Raiatea Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I guess I have reached the end of what I can deal with in this relationship. I posted on here last year when me and him got together, and although the issues from then don't apply, there is a shadow hanging over us. He is oblivious to how I feel about us. I try to tell him if I am upset or angry (not just because of him, but work, money etc) and he gets angry at me or lectures me when all I want is someone to sympathise. Yesterday he got angry at me for leaving 2 nail polish bottles on the kitchen counter, he threw them on the floor and said that he sometimes considers being single as he can't tolerate my laziness and dirtiness. He said he would rather be single than live with me. (and I thoroughly clean the house every week!) So I ignored him and went to bed - I was feeling sick anyway. 10 minutes later he came and apologised to me and said that he didn't mean it. Ok, I thought, everyone says stuff they don't mean in fights, and we hardly ever fight now. Once every three months we sometimes have a fight. But it is not just this fight, it is everything. If I am upset with him, he gets angry with me to make me feel guilty, so I apologise to him If I call him on my lunch break from work and he doesn't answer, then when he calls back he says that I am "annoying" He stares at other women when he is driving, in the mall, when he is with me, when he is at work, when he is holding my hand He tells me that the food I cook is nothing special (he of course doesn't cook), even though I trained as a chef! He tells me that if I don't have sex with him, he will get it from someone else He pressures me for sex even when I am sick or tired and if I say no, well then he ignores me for days He says that he want me to have a child in 2009 (I am not yet ready to have a child and the way he phrases it, it sounds like he wants me for my fertility rather than a future. And of course, my opinion doesn't matter) This is just a short list of the things he does, and there is so much more that I can't put into words. Am I being over sensitive? I am with him still because I want to make it work for us. 90% of the time he is caring, considerate and a genuinely nice person. He helps me to pay my considerable debts, he has bought me a car, is paying for so much for me and I feel ungrateful thinking these things. But I am so miserable! Can anyone offer any advice for dealing with this? I have suggested counselling for us but he insists that I am the one with the problem.
jcster Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 He helps me to pay my considerable debts, he has bought me a car, is paying for so much for me and I feel ungrateful thinking these things. But I am so miserable! Can anyone offer any advice for dealing with this? I have suggested counselling for us but he insists that I am the one with the problem. He sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative. The demands for sex are a big red flag to me - it shows that he doesn't really care about your comfort. He's paying for things to keep you with him, since his behavior likely wouldn't. You have to ask yourself if it's worth it. 90% of the time he is caring, considerate and a genuinely nice person. I've read this in so many posts - usually after an appalling list of mistreatment. So, he only mistreats you 10% of the time (that's about 1 1/2 hours per day if you want to get technical), are you trying to say that there's an acceptable amount of abuse? You know he's not going to change. Are you willing to put up with this for the rest of your life?
Star Gazer Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I am with him still because I want to make it work for us. 90% of the time he is caring, considerate and a genuinely nice person. He helps me to pay my considerable debts, he has bought me a car, is paying for so much for me and I feel ungrateful thinking these things. But I am so miserable! Can anyone offer any advice for dealing with this? I have suggested counselling for us but he insists that I am the one with the problem. You can't be serious. He tells you how horrible you are, and yet pays for all of your sh*t? That's just...odd. Putting your feelings of obligation aside, why do you WANT to be with him?
melodymatters Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I've read this in so many posts - usually after an appalling list of mistreatment. So, he only mistreats you 10% of the time (that's about 1 1/2 hours per day if you want to get technical), are you trying to say that there's an acceptable amount of abuse? Jcster, this is probably one of the wisest things i have ever heard said here ! I will certainly remember it, and OP : you would be wise to do the same !
smalltownsingle Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Definitely DUMP HIM ASAP!!! He is abusive and no woman on earth deserves this. You can`t fix an abusive partner. Just leave. Do you really want to be the abused woman who stays with a horrible man just for his money??? Really??? Money is just Money... you'll find a way to deal with your debt. You are only putting yourself down by accepting this situation. You need to get out, and build your own life and get your self confidence back. Scary I know... but it is the right thing to do or else you're only going to lose yourself. There are plenty of other men out there who will treat you a lot better.
Enema Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 He's buying you at the moment. Paying your debts, bought you a car. Does he pay all the bills and rent too? Because he's buying you, he probably has a misguided sense of ownership or control. I agree with the others that you should get out of the relationship, but if you're hell-bent on staying in it, the first thing you should do to try and make things more equal is to stop taking his money. Be your own person, and maybe he'll start treating you like one.
My_Other_I Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I guess I have reached the end of what I can deal with in this relationship. I posted on here last year when me and him got together, and although the issues from then don't apply, there is a shadow hanging over us. He is oblivious to how I feel about us. I try to tell him if I am upset or angry (not just because of him, but work, money etc) and he gets angry at me or lectures me when all I want is someone to sympathise. Yesterday he got angry at me for leaving 2 nail polish bottles on the kitchen counter, he threw them on the floor and said that he sometimes considers being single as he can't tolerate my laziness and dirtiness. He said he would rather be single than live with me. (and I thoroughly clean the house every week!) So I ignored him and went to bed - I was feeling sick anyway. 10 minutes later he came and apologised to me and said that he didn't mean it. Ok, I thought, everyone says stuff they don't mean in fights, and we hardly ever fight now. Once every three months we sometimes have a fight. But it is not just this fight, it is everything. If I am upset with him, he gets angry with me to make me feel guilty, so I apologise to him If I call him on my lunch break from work and he doesn't answer, then when he calls back he says that I am "annoying" He stares at other women when he is driving, in the mall, when he is with me, when he is at work, when he is holding my hand He tells me that the food I cook is nothing special (he of course doesn't cook), even though I trained as a chef! He tells me that if I don't have sex with him, he will get it from someone else He pressures me for sex even when I am sick or tired and if I say no, well then he ignores me for days He says that he want me to have a child in 2009 (I am not yet ready to have a child and the way he phrases it, it sounds like he wants me for my fertility rather than a future. And of course, my opinion doesn't matter) This is just a short list of the things he does, and there is so much more that I can't put into words. Am I being over sensitive? I am with him still because I want to make it work for us. 90% of the time he is caring, considerate and a genuinely nice person. He helps me to pay my considerable debts, he has bought me a car, is paying for so much for me and I feel ungrateful thinking these things. But I am so miserable! Can anyone offer any advice for dealing with this? I have suggested counselling for us but he insists that I am the one with the problem. All of the signs you have described are the signs of an abuser. You see it yourself, which is good, but it's time to do something about it. Your best bet is to pack your stuff and never look back. Don't let him talk you back into a relationship with sweet talking (and he will be the nicest guy in the whole world for a while). These things tend to get worse with time....not better.
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