plainoldjared Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I love the sex we have and we do lots of fun, kinky things and it's great. He says he loves the things we do too. I think I want him a lot and when we're not together sometimes I get turned on just thinking about things we've done or things I want to do together. It's just that I don't want it every night. Sometimes I'm able to get turned on when I didn't think I would, but it's really hard under this pressure that it's going to be a huge problem if I don't. I think the fact that hes pressured you so many times and made your relationship and love conditional to the quantity of sex you are having such a huge deal that he has caused you to become defensive and stressed out during those intimate moments when all you really wanted to do was make out or when you were so tired that you just needed someone to stroke your hair until you fell asleep... sex should be satisfying not stressful... you love him and are willing to have sex when you dont want to just to make him happy, he should be willing to say "ok baby, lets go watch a movie" or "ok baby, I'll let you sleep and I will go start that thing I've been putting off" there are millions of things he could do instead of making you (the woman he loves) feel inadequate and guilty
Author mattea Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 life makes it practically impossible for two people to want sex at the same time all the time. I wish he knew what it felt like to sometimes just not want sex, because then maybe he could understand it when I don't want to. But I have *never* come across a time when he doesn't want it. It feels out of balance. My ex never truly believed that I loved him and needed me to prove that I loved him constantly. He had a mental checklist of things that proved that I didn't love him as much as he loved me. The fact that I wasn't into sex all the time when he wanted it felt like proof, to him, that I didn't love him. Yes, this sounds familiar. Thing is, he says he is in love with me and crazy about me and this explains his constant strong desire for me and the intense attraction. Our relationship is still quite new and for me love takes longer to develop, so he feels at a huge disadvantage and vulnerable because, although I like him a lot and put a lot of energy into our relationship and being good to him, I don't feel I've fallen in love yet. I think he feels that if I loved him back or had deeper or stronger feelings for him, I'd be wanting him l the time too, and times when I don't want sex or respond to him wanting me are evidence of my lack of feeling. But I desire him often and I find him sexy and I'm attracted to him and love the sex we have and I've told him so! I feel that it's hard for me to invest and really fall for him because I don't feel stable and at ease with him due to these regular issues around sex. He says his feelings for me are consistent and constant and doesn't understand how these things affect my feelings.
Author mattea Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 There's nothing wrong with having either a high or a low sex drive. I also agree that drives are rarely exactly the same but they have to be very similar. I just can't imagine being in a relationship, where something so pleasurable and so important to bonding between individuals, becomes a point of contention so soon into a relationship, as in the situation of the OP. It doesn't seem like our drives are that different. He wants it every day, I want it almost every day. I think my drive would be even stronger if I didn't feel under obligation. It does seem like it's not about the quantity being too low but about it not being ok if/when I occassionly don't want sex.
Kamille Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I wish he knew what it felt like to sometimes just not want sex, because then maybe he could understand it when I don't want to. But I have *never* come across a time when he doesn't want it. It feels out of balance. Yes, this sounds familiar. Thing is, he says he is in love with me and crazy about me and this explains his constant strong desire for me and the intense attraction. Our relationship is still quite new and for me love takes longer to develop, so he feels at a huge disadvantage and vulnerable because, although I like him a lot and put a lot of energy into our relationship and being good to him, I don't feel I've fallen in love yet. I think he feels that if I loved him back or had deeper or stronger feelings for him, I'd be wanting him l the time too, and times when I don't want sex or respond to him wanting me are evidence of my lack of feeling. But I desire him often and I find him sexy and I'm attracted to him and love the sex we have and I've told him so! I feel that it's hard for me to invest and really fall for him because I don't feel stable and at ease with him due to these regular issues around sex. He says his feelings for me are consistent and constant and doesn't understand how these things affect my feelings. ah honey I don't know what else to say but I really want to give you a big hug. I can totally relate and it is something really difficult and really hard to go through. Do you ever wonder if, if he could somehow understand and accept how you feel, if perhaps you'd then finally be totally in love with him?
jcster Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 ...is too extreme. If she's going to take that stance then it's only fair to say that he's not responsible for her being upset by feeling pressured for sex. And, obviously, that shouldn't be the case. In a way, that is what I meant. I really feel that this is a control issue in the relationship. It might have started out as a sexual issue, but not any longer. When control issues arise, it truly "takes 2 to tango." He responds with anger and a guilt trip...but she accepts that guilt and works to defuse the anger by complying. It's a double edged sword, and he is no more responsible for her acceptance of the pressure than she is for his misery over not getting his way. The only way to not end up in these games is to not play.
Author mattea Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 ah honey I don't know what else to say but I really want to give you a big hug. I can totally relate and it is something really difficult and really hard to go through. Do you ever wonder if, if he could somehow understand and accept how you feel, if perhaps you'd then finally be totally in love with him? thanks kamille, that's so sweet - i'll take a cyber hug yes, i could see myself really investing with this guy if i didn't have this unease around sex and it wasn't so awful for him (and then for us both) when i sometimes don't want to have sex.
Recommended Posts