mattea Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 is this an intractible problem? my boyfriend is extremely sexual and "needs" sex every night that we are together. he gets really turned on and has all this sexual energy and doesn't know what to do with it if it isn't satisfied. masturbation does not satisfy it because he says he wants *me* and still wants me even after masturbating. he says he's attracted to me all day long and that builds and he wants me really badly and wants to have nightly sex and connect in that way. i like sex and i think we have great sex but i don't have the same drive and sexual make-up, i guess. we have sex very frequently (every other day or sometimes every day), but i don't want it every night and sometimes i need to just be able to relax and get some sleep or i'm just not feeling sexual or whatever. i try to "get myself in the mood" sometimes when i am not naturally because i know he wants (needs?) really frequent sex. but sometimes it feels impossible, and sometimes it feels like a lot of pressure. he only seems ok not having sex if we aren't spending the night together, but if we are and we don't have sex, he can't sleep and is totally frustrated and has to go sleep on the couch but then doesn't even really get any sleep. i don't know how to resolve this because i don't feel i can be sexually available to him each and every night and he doesn't seem to be able to live without nightly sex. what makes it worse is that now often when he reaches for me i am totally uninterested because i feel this pressure that i *have* to be sexual or else it's going to be a BIG deal for him/us. that pressure seems like certain death to my libido.
jcster Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 i don't know how to resolve this because i don't feel i can be sexually available to him each and every night and he doesn't seem to be able to live without nightly sex. what makes it worse is that now often when he reaches for me i am totally uninterested because i feel this pressure that i *have* to be sexual or else it's going to be a BIG deal for him/us. that pressure seems like certain death to my libido. I've been in this situation - and it sucks. He won't die if he doesn't get sex every day, and it sounds like he's laying it on pretty thick to try and get what he wants. In my opinion, this has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with control. If you want this to stop, you are going to have to draw some very firm boundaries with this guy. Refuse to let it be a big deal - don't give into his tantrums. If he wants to act like a 2 year old who's been refused candy, then treat him like one and give him a time out. Seriously - if you can't get a handle on this soon, you guys are not going to be able to stay together much longer. Sex is supposed to be fun - not an obligation.
Trialbyfire Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 mattea, have you gone back to the b/f who can't take any rejection, regardless of whether or not you have a UTI or a bad headache or is this the newer guy? If this is the newer guy, are you pairing up with men who have high drives, where your drive is a little less?
Mustang Sally Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Question: Sexual incompatibility - is it an intractible problem? My Opinion: Yes, quite possibly.
Author mattea Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 Same guy. I haven't ever had this problem with a guy having so much higher of a drive than me before. I mean, ususally when I'm with a boyfriend they don't need or expect or even want sex every single night. Sure, I guess there is always someone who wants it more often in a relationship but the world doesn't fall apart if it's not happening every night. When I was with this guy before he was being a jerk and he came back and told me he realized what an a*s he was being. after about 3 weeks or a month of him telling me he wanted a chance to change his approach and be loving and supportive, I gave it a try. This time around he doesn't push me to do things I am uncomfortable with sexually and I've been a lot more comfortable with his approach during sex. He doesn't just tell me what to do but we still do fun and kinky things and i really enjoy the sex. He says he does too. And some nights he is ok with not having sex, if I am feeling sick or cramping or exhausted or whatever. So even that got better. But there are still problems. Thurs night we had great sex. Fri night we were not together. Sat. night I went to his house and we had great sex. Sunday night he came over and I was really tired and not in the mood. This time he had a really hard time with it. He said he knew I needed to sleep but he wasn't sleepy and didn't want to keep me up. He was loving and kissed me on the forehead and went in the other room. He tried masturbating but this did not satisfy his need for *me*. He considered going home because I guess it would have been easier for him to deal with his sexual frustration if I wasn't in the other room while he was there awake and having this intense desire. Then he decided to stay but he was in an out of the bed with me and mostly "slept" on the couch (said he didn't sleep much). In the morning I went out to the couch before getting ready for work and we had sex. It was nice. And then last night (same day we just had sex in the morning) - I had a LONG day... worked all day and then had 2.5 hours of class. I was tired and also feeling pressured by his intense reaction the night before - it was clearly going to be a problem if we didn't have sex and i felt pressured by that. he got in bed and lit a candle and was there when i finished brushing my teeth. i got in bed with him but just didn't feel turned on and knew that would be a problem. he tried to go slow and just be affectionate - things i have told him lead to my being turned on, but that wasn't "working". i think it wasn't "working" because i felt like i *had* to be sexual or else we'd have a repeat of the night before. he was so upset - saying he couldn't reach for me or ever get it right. he tries to do all the things i say i need and still i'm not into it or wanting him and it's so frustrating to him. he doesn't understand why i don't want him more when he's so attracted to me and wants me all the time. he said he doesn't know why it always has to be on my terms and me initiating, but when he tries to initiate i never seem to want him. sigh. i am attracted to him and i like the sex we have but i don't want it all the time and it's true that when he initiates i freeze up and can't get turned on because i feel like it's an obligation. I think feeling like it is an obligation or he is coming to me with these really intense needs sometimes makes me totally uninterested because it's too much presure.
Trialbyfire Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I think you need to find someone with a similar drive.
shadowplay Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Having sex every night or every other night doesn't seem like too much to me, but perhaps you have a lower drive than I do. My bf likes to have sex about three times a day/night on the days when we see each other (usually about 3 times a week). Sometimes I get tired after the second round, but I usually keep going until he's satisfied because I feel bad turning him down. Also he tends to come pretty fast the first two rounds so it doesn't take that long.
Author mattea Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 yeah. sucks. we are good together in all other areas. loving, caring supportive, do sweet things for each other, have a very similar pace in life and similar socially and like to do a lot of the same things. but i don't know how to get past this one. it seems insane to me that we'd break up because we're *only* having sex 3-5 times a week and not every single night. but i guess that's what he needs.
Kamille Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Repeat after me: He can live without nightly sex. You are not responsible for his sexual well-being. The situation is not so dire for him after all. I mean, look at the alternatives: sex with you once in awhile VS no nookie at all. I have been BTDT twice: Guy number 1: took it to mean I wasn't attracted to him, made a big fuss about our sex-drive differences, I forced myself 'for us', I eventually never wanted to have sex, which made me wonder what was wrong with us and what was wrong with me. Guy number 2: after guy number one I was quite freaked out when I noticed, again, that guy number 2's sex drive was way higher then mine (three times a day versus three times a week...). His reaction? He said it was no big deal, that he never wanted me to force myself to have sex with him, that he took me as I was and then actually turned it into a joke about his manliness and his high level of testosterone. And, like magic, my sex drive actually increased after that conversation because he took responsibility for his sexuality and made me feel like he was more concerned about my general wellbeing then his libido. My suggestion is this... see the humor in this ASAP. So he has to sleep on the couch every other day? So what? I mean, how else are you going to catch up on your beauty sleep -the one that makes you absolutely irresistible. Side note: one thing that definitely helps me improve my sex-drive: taking an hour to get ready before a romantic date: you know, bath, grooming, outfit, perfume, etc etc etc.
Kamille Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 oh and ah yeah, 3-5 times a week? sounds pretty healthy to me! Lucky guy!
Trialbyfire Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 You are not responsible for his sexual well-being. I agree with this but neither is he responsible for her lower sexual drive. That he's trying, says a lot. That she's already feeling pressured and having obligatory sex isn't going to get any better for the two of them. I can't imagine what marriage would be like with these two, if it's allowed to progress further. I'm a high-drive person when I'm in a committed relationship. I couldn't live with anyone who wasn't.
plainoldjared Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 is this an intractible problem? my boyfriend is extremely sexual and "needs" sex every night that we are together. he gets really turned on and has all this sexual energy and doesn't know what to do with it if it isn't satisfied. masturbation does not satisfy it because he says he wants *me* and still wants me even after masturbating. he says he's attracted to me all day long and that builds and he wants me really badly and wants to have nightly sex and connect in that way. i like sex and i think we have great sex but i don't have the same drive and sexual make-up, i guess. we have sex very frequently (every other day or sometimes every day), but i don't want it every night and sometimes i need to just be able to relax and get some sleep or i'm just not feeling sexual or whatever. i try to "get myself in the mood" sometimes when i am not naturally because i know he wants (needs?) really frequent sex. but sometimes it feels impossible, and sometimes it feels like a lot of pressure. he only seems ok not having sex if we aren't spending the night together, but if we are and we don't have sex, he can't sleep and is totally frustrated and has to go sleep on the couch but then doesn't even really get any sleep. i don't know how to resolve this because i don't feel i can be sexually available to him each and every night and he doesn't seem to be able to live without nightly sex. what makes it worse is that now often when he reaches for me i am totally uninterested because i feel this pressure that i *have* to be sexual or else it's going to be a BIG deal for him/us. that pressure seems like certain death to my libido. First off, his whining is completely childish and sneaky, he wont die without sex. You love him so you want to keep him happy, he knows this and is selfish enough to put your satisfaction and your needs aside because he cant go without sex for one day. His arguement that he needs you and that only you can satisfy him is a compliment and sweet but also manipulative. I dont think he is doing this maliciously but he is being insensitive to the fact that you dont want to have sex as often as he does. Another thing, theres been times when I want to have sex and my gf doesnt, this is the time when I need to bring in my special talents and get her in the mood. Shes not the one that needs to get herself in the mood... I experienced this with my gf in the beginning of our relationship (btw thanks for your response). She had been with someone that treated sex as if it was the #1 factor to whether or not the relationship was good. While I loved feeling like I was so incredible that she needed me all the time after sex became routine (in the sense that I knew we would have to have sex before anything else) thats when I had to tell her that I was concerned that she was having sex with me because she thought she needed too. It turned into a 2 week fight but ultimately changed things for the better... Sex became hotter and much more satisfying when it was that spontaneous "I cant hold it any longer" instead of the "ok we met up so lets do it and then we can move on with our plans"
Kamille Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I agree with this but neither is he responsible for her lower sexual drive. That he's trying, says a lot. That she's already feeling pressured and having obligatory sex isn't going to get any better for the two of them. I can't imagine what marriage would be like with these two, if it's allowed to progress further. I'm a high-drive person when I'm in a committed relationship. I couldn't live with anyone who wasn't. You're right, sexual well-being is a shares responsiblity amongst both partners. Yet, I'm not sure just how much he is trying to sort himself out, and take responsibility for it, when : he was so upset - saying he couldn't reach for me or ever get it right. he tries to do all the things i say i need and still i'm not into it or wanting him and it's so frustrating to him. he doesn't understand why i don't want him more when he's so attracted to me and wants me all the time. he said he doesn't know why it always has to be on my terms and me initiating, but when he tries to initiate i never seem to want him. In fact, this sounds to me like he is making it her problem and her responsibility. My ex, guy number 1, would pull this kind of drama on me all the time. I now see is as him putting the responsibility of our sexuality on me. It made me feel guilty, made me wonder what was wrong with me, forced me to be the one to constantly try to resolve the situation. I wish he could have stepped back a little and taken more responsiblity for his (and therefore my) sexual well-being. In spite of all this, I do believe that couples never quite have the same sex-drive and that what is most important is how they respect and manage the differences, how they communicate about it. My ex and I considered counselling on this issue but never made it that far.
Author mattea Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 I agree with this but neither is he responsible for her lower sexual drive. That he's trying, says a lot. That she's already feeling pressured and having obligatory sex isn't going to get any better for the two of them. I can't imagine what marriage would be like with these two, if it's allowed to progress further. I'm a high-drive person when I'm in a committed relationship. I couldn't live with anyone who wasn't. I guess I just have to accept this. I don't want either of us to keep going through this. We both think we have great sex when we have it and and since we have sex more days than not, it's hard for me to understand the problem. But it's clearly not enough for him and you're right - he's tried I can't deal with arguing for 2 hours because I didn't want sex two nights in a row (even though we had sex that morning). he's clearly miserable when i don't want it and he's feeling the intensity and he's so frustrated.
Author mattea Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 Another thing, theres been times when I want to have sex and my gf doesnt, this is the time when I need to bring in my special talents and get her in the mood. Shes not the one that needs to get herself in the mood... " he does try to get me in the mood by doing the things that i've told him turn me on. but he's frustrated because even when he does all those things and tries to initiate it doesn't "work". when we do have sex i usually initiate it - he just "waits" for me to reach for him. i think it's hard for me to get into it when he initiates because i feel like all hell is going to break loose if i don't want to. i don't know how i can get turned on in those circumstances? i need to get turned on and have sex or else he's going to be *miserable* and we're going to be talking about why he can't reach for me or why i don't want him for hours. either that or he's going to be on the couch awake all night.
shadowplay Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Perhaps trying new positions would get you more excited? I'm personally a fan of standing up sex or on a chair...those positions always get me excited even when I'm not initially in the mood.
Author mattea Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 Guy number 1: took it to mean I wasn't attracted to him, made a big fuss about our sex-drive differences, I forced myself 'for us', I eventually never wanted to have sex, which made me wonder what was wrong with us and what was wrong with me. Guy number 2: after guy number one I was quite freaked out when I noticed, again, that guy number 2's sex drive was way higher then mine (three times a day versus three times a week...). His reaction? He said it was no big deal, that he never wanted me to force myself to have sex with him, that he took me as I was and then actually turned it into a joke about his manliness and his high level of testosterone. And, like magic, my sex drive actually increased after that conversation because he took responsibility for his sexuality and made me feel like he was more concerned about my general wellbeing then his libido. My suggestion is this... see the humor in this ASAP. So he has to sleep on the couch every other day? So what? I mean, how else are you going to catch up on your beauty sleep -the one that makes you absolutely irresistible. QUOTE] Kamille, thanks for your responses! I can totally relate to what you say. I know that if it truly was ok for him that I didn't want to once in awhile, then my sex drive would actually increase because the *i have to do this or else* feeling would go away. I wish I/we could see the humor in this but last night we were up for hours talking about how he can't understand why I don't want him and why it is always on my timeframe and he can't ever reach for me. It's just awful going through that. It seems he can't live without nightly sex and maybe there is someone who has the same drive and wants it as much or more and then they won't have this problem? I just don't feel I can offer what he needs/wants.
Author mattea Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 Perhaps trying new positions would get you more excited? I'm personally a fan of standing up sex or on a chair...those positions always get me excited even when I'm not initially in the mood. I love the sex we have and we do lots of fun, kinky things and it's great. He says he loves the things we do too. I think I want him a lot and when we're not together sometimes I get turned on just thinking about things we've done or things I want to do together. It's just that I don't want it every night. Sometimes I'm able to get turned on when I didn't think I would, but it's really hard under this pressure that it's going to be a huge problem if I don't.
jcster Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 i think it's hard for me to get into it when he initiates because i feel like all hell is going to break loose if i don't want to. i don't know how i can get turned on in those circumstances? You should never have to feel that "all hell is going to break loose" if you don't have sex with someone. This is why I feel like this is not a case of differing libidos but an actual anxiety/power issue that your boyfriend has. i need to get turned on and have sex or else he's going to be *miserable* and we're going to be talking about why he can't reach for me or why i don't want him for hours. either that or he's going to be on the couch awake all night. You don't need to do anything! His misery is not your problem! You don't need to discuss it for hours, you don't have to discuss it at all! And...do you actually have proof that he's "awake all night" on the couch? Really? Sleepless with helpless desire? Please! This guy has issues. I remember your previous post about this, and how he broke up with you because you turned down sex in the middle of the night when you were ill. This is not normal sexual behavior, and it sounds like you are taking far too much responsibility for the situation. I have to say that if I were in your shoes I would say "no" for good.
milx Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Sex is no good!!!! Wait.. what kinda sex are we talking about here??
tanbark813 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Granted the guy shouldn't be throwing tantrums and the whole sleeping-on-the-couch thing is lame but this: You don't need to do anything! His misery is not your problem! ...is too extreme. If she's going to take that stance then it's only fair to say that he's not responsible for her being upset by feeling pressured for sex. And, obviously, that shouldn't be the case. One partner shouldn't be 100% responsible for the other's happiness or satisfaction but adopting the attitude of "Well if that's how you feel, then f**k you, I don't care..." is just as immature and unhealthy. They need to come to some sort of common ground, or, as TBF said, find another partner who's more compatible.
Kamille Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I wish I/we could see the humor in this but last night we were up for hours talking about how he can't understand why I don't want him and why it is always on my timeframe and he can't ever reach for me. It's just awful going through that. It seems he can't live without nightly sex and maybe there is someone who has the same drive and wants it as much or more and then they won't have this problem? I just don't feel I can offer what he needs/wants. I'm not sure sexual compatibility is quite as simple as finding someone who wants is as much as one does. I mean, that would be ideal, but life makes it practically impossible for two people to want sex at the same time all the time. We have jobs, kids, preoccupations, etc. Has anyone on this forum ever had a partner with whom they were in complete sexual sinc? That is why I think that this kind of issue is a communication challenge rather then the simple arithmetics of finding someone who wants sex evernight at precisely 9:17 pm. Yet because of my experiences with guy number 1 - who also was looking for a set of rules and regulations which would make me want to have sex whenever he wanted it - I know how frustrating and unsettling differences in libido can be for some. After we broke up I ended up having a lenghty conversation with him about this issue. The fact of the matter is that your bf, like my ex, is taking something perfectly natural (two people having different sex schedules) personnally. There is likely a deeper issue that he needs to adress. My ex never truly believed that I loved him and needed me to prove that I loved him constantly. He had a mental checklist of things that proved that I didn't love him as much as he loved me. The fact that I wasn't into sex all the time when he wanted it felt like proof, to him, that I didn't love him. I was outraged when he finally spelled it out so plainly. I was aware, during the relationship, that nothing I ever did could manage to convince him that I loved him. Only with hindsight do I realize that this was his issue and not mine. At the time, I felt responsible for it all (proving my love and improving our sex-life). It eventually choked me. I think - and this is hard - that it would help if you could take the focus off of you and try to figure out why you refusing sex once in awhile makes him paint the picture black and assume, against all proof to the contrary, that you are not attracted to him. Perhaps you two could also decide to focus on what is going right about your sex life, because it does sound like a lot of things are working out on that level for the two of you. You qualify sex with him as great, you are both adventurous.
Author mattea Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 They need to come to some sort of common ground, or, as TBF said, find another partner who's more compatible. I would like to come to some common ground and both have more sense of peace together. His main complaint last night was that when we have sex it's always on my timeframe and on my terms. While I don't entirely agree with that, I do see what he means about me not responding when he initiates sex with me. He says he can never reach for me when he desires sex with me and have me respond to him with my own desire for him. "Never" might be a little extreme but it's true that when he initiates sex I often feel this pressure that I *have* to respond the way he wants and then I can't get turned on and in fact it's a turn off to feel under obligation (or else...) So, is there some way to "fix" that? Some way to find common ground?
Trialbyfire Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 In spite of all this, I do believe that couples never quite have the same sex-drive and that what is most important is how they respect and manage the differences, how they communicate about it. My ex and I considered counselling on this issue but never made it that far. Sex is one of the four basic food groups for a successful relationship. There's nothing wrong with having either a high or a low sex drive. I also agree that drives are rarely exactly the same but they have to be very similar. I just can't imagine being in a relationship, where something so pleasurable and so important to bonding between individuals, becomes a point of contention so soon into a relationship, as in the situation of the OP.
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