What is WRONG With Me??

[sakeeta]

My BF & I broke up nearly a month ago. It is the 3rd breakup for us. We were together just short of a year this time. The last time we got back together he called me back from 365 miles away, promised me what had happened before would not happen again, which was he put me behind his ex in laws in priority and doubted my word for their lies. Well, it happened again. I left.

I am SEVERELY depressed. I loved this man more than I have EVER loved anyone...why? I don't know. I know my life is not over..but at the same time I feel like dying. I tried so hard to make this work, and I feel cheated.

I hear he is doing just fine...this makes me feel even worse. People tell me I am better off..and on an intellectual level I know this. But emotionally? No way. I cry every day..it is usually the first thing I do. I have no energy, and I am overwhelmed with sadness that I don't feel will ever go away. I also can't imagine falling in love like that again..it took me 39 years to fall like that the first time and I have been hopelessly in love with him every since. One friend of mine told me they felt sorry for him, because he likely will never find that kind of love again. Another told me that she thought someday he would realize what he had and lost, but she hoped I was far away on a wonderful adventure and that it wouldn't matter to me anymore.

All I know is I am devastated, and I don't know why or what to do. Whatever fool said "love conquers all" was an idiot. I swear, if a doctor told me I only had days to live I would be RELIEVED. I know this is crazy..but it is the way it is. Why am I like this..why can't I just move on?

[brothermartin]

It sounds like you have'nt given yourself enough time to move on. Im still coping with my ex leaving me, and that was actually almost 2 months ago.

Im sure youll get lots of advice on what to do about this. But heres what NOT to do:

1.Dont contact him when your angry or really upset.

2.If he contacts you and hes angry or upset, dont respond.

3.Dont do anything to bring any drama into his life, that only brings drama into your life and you dont need that.

 

I hope you find positive ways to help you cope with this loss. Im really sorry for your pain, but dont give up.

[sakeeta]

Thank You..I really need all the advice I can get.

[Curious139]

I understand your pain and it doesn't just go away in a day or a month or even a year. What does happen is your psyche adjusts to the loss and in time you start to feel normal. It took me about 3 months and I'm far from over her but the loss is muted.

 

Be kind to yourself. Feeling that life isn't worth living is normal - certainly I felt that way for nearly two months - but what is happening is our brains have experienced a shock and the levels of neurotransmitters are askew. In other words, we aren't hinking normally.

 

That rational explanation is all very well but it won't take away the devastating pain. Keep busy, NC, be kind to yourself.

[Crestfallen_KH]

NOTHING is wrong with you.

 

You've experienced a huge emotional wound. If you just had heart surgery, you wouldn't be expecting to run a marathon tomorrow, would you? It's going to take time to heal emotionally.

 

Feeling like dying is normal. I know exactly what you are talking about. While I would never kill myself, I have definitely had days where I wished I was just dead. But, I realize I have those days because the pain feels so unbearable - not because I don't want to live.

 

Expect to be feeling really bad for awhile. It's normal. I strongly recommend seeing a therapist to help you through this. Mine has been such a source of comfort (and rolls her eyes when I use words like "still" and "should/should not", which helps assure me that it is normal to be feeling as I am). You may also want to read self-help books to help you understand the stages of grief. This has helped me tremendously as well.

 

I am so sorry for your loss, but settle in. It's going to be a long, painful, and bumpy ride. Stay in no contact, take care of yourself and focus on yourself.

[sakeeta]

I want to thank all for responding to me. Yes..it is a huge emotional loss. I not only lost my life that I worked so hard for, but I also lost my job at the same time. I left the home, so I have lost EVERYTHING at once! Over the course of 4 days beginning on what I will call Black Friday and starting with losing my job, and concluding with losing the love of my life..who doesn't seem to care at all, and everything else in between. I have nothing left. I have been staying with my daughter and living out of bags..again. I have decided that living out of bags is going to be my life. I am going to wander and take pictures and work temporary jobs until I end up in Alaska. I am in Texas, so I have a long way to go. I feel what is seriously bothering me the most is that he just doesn't seem to care and is apparently quite happy. And the fact that he betrayed me to those horrid "EX" in-laws again. They are pretty much the scum of the earth and he will bend over and kiss their a** if they ask. It's a SICK relationship that I don't understand and never will! NO ONE understands it...not even his own family. But I also feel like a fool..because I believed him when he said this wouldn't ever happen again. The saying goes.."fool me once, shame on you..fool me twice, shame on me"...WHAT ABOUT THE THIRD TIME? I think sometimes I have got to be the stupidest person on earth. I will tell you one thing though..he will never had love like he had with me, ever again. I have been told that by everyone. I just wish it would make me feel better!

[Jmina]

I sympathise with you.

 

I lost my partner who thought she wanted me forever, turns out she wanted to try a different life first without me in it. we were soul mates, called each other 'the one' said things like 'my darling i will never leave you, so never fret"

 

WELL...that went down the drain

 

Words that i have described this breakup for me have been

 

horrible, devastating, crushing, heartbreaking, heartrenching, nightmare, gripping sadness, rollercoaster...

 

i too went through a stage of "of course she left me, im not good enough"

 

"stupid me", "shes off having a great time forgotten about me, left me alone with this horrible grief and loss to deal with"

 

called her a few names in my head every now and then! but all that did was keep me in one place. a bitter place. the words i described my life as, became my world.

 

that was in between bouts of "i love her so dearly" "she is so precious" "i WILL always lover her" "my soul will rest right next to hers forever"

 

5 months on now i'm saying to myself

 

"we both did our best" "a person has to do what they have to do" "anyone does there best at any given time"

 

"i love her so much i want her to be happy" ...and that brought me some happiness too..

 

Instead of staying bitter and resentful i chose to keep my heart open as much as it was to start with, accept her choice of leaving me by thinking the thing as above, and then instead of focusing on how great she is, how great her life will be, how happy she is, ive focused on how great i am, how much i love my work, how much love i gave her... i know now what my heart is capable of.. and howwonderful that i chose to keep it open..there are few people who come through heart renching breakups who would rather die than loose their soul mate and then come out on the other side with an open heart loving yourself.

 

i have always been loving, but now i have brought down a few walls and i am much more comfortable with showing my affection with family and friends. it is great.

 

when i was with my partner i became despearte to gain inner strength. i was much to reliant on her emotionally and i was ill at the time and she had to care for her dying nanna, so it took its toll on both of us emotionally, we desperatly clung to each other. but after an overseas trip for her that was a pivotal moment in her life and it opened her eyes. during her time away i asked god to make me stronger...i didnt realise that what would make me the strongest person in a caring loving way for myself was to take away what was holding me up the most.

 

 

so i got my prayer/wish answered.

 

he gave me the opportunity to be stronger which i realise now. and i am a whole lot better than what i was before. it just came at a price. =( she must have found some strength when she was away, and a week later she left me. both of us sobbing in the rain, with our puppies watching, i told her she will always be my baby girl and she told me she loved me and we embraced. she drove off with a toot on her car horn and i was left stripped of everything she ever gave me, everything i ever thought that kept me alive and i cried for months.

 

Now your ex, He doesnt love you enough, so remember the good times but leave it at that and focus on what you love to do, what makes you laugh, and do that. remember to cry if your sad even 5 months down the track.

 

I know you dont believe me.. because i didnt belive this when it was offered but... truly, in months to come. You will feel better..

 

take comfort in that.

your human spirit is amazing and eventually it will show its strength and pick you up. youl find a way..

 

today is my birthday and im stupidly hoping she will send me a text. of course she wont.. it makes me sad, and i keeping thinking of my last birthday when she came home from looking after her nanna with gifts and so much love and care for me...but i have to leave the memories at that because i dont want to focus on it too much because then i will miss out on all the love that the rest of my friends and family are givingGoodluck.

keep posting.

 

Right beside you.

Jasmina/Jmina

[sedgwick]

Jmina, that was beautiful, and really helpful. Thank you.

 

She was a lucky woman to have you.

[Jmina]

thankyou sedgwick, that means alot.

 

i think she knows it deep down. at least one day she will. and thats okay with me.

[sakeeta]

Thank you..that was wonderful and I will try to remember what you said! Today, at least so far..is the first day I don't feel like crying and I actually feel as if I have a little energy. I can't wait until I wake up like this EVERYDAY!

[sakeeta]

Yeah..woke up better but it all came crashing down on me again this afternoon with renewed VENGEANCE. I have spent all evening in more pain and sadness and tears than ever. I don't know how I'm going to survive this. I try to think positive...and it just seems to make the pain and bitterness and sadness come through more. I am so angry on top of everything else! I feel like I'm going crazy in a whirlwind of emotions!

[Jmina]

thats the rollercoaster.

 

It eases in time. we have all been through that same thing.

 

you will be suprised in what it at actually achieves for you and your inner strength when you come out of it.

 

make this totally intimate and personal for yourself. its nothing to do with nooone else, and you are the one experiencing it and learning from it and then growing from it.

 

accept that you feel so horrible, and sit through your feelings without fueling them with words just breath through it. it can help.

 

if your feeling hopless get out a pen and paper and write untill you feel stronger.

 

Jmina

[sakeeta]

I don't feel like I will have inner strength..I feel like I will always have this sadness with me. I have doubts that love means anything at all. I always used to think it was so important..I don't think that way anymore. I loved this man with everything I had and it didn't matter in the end. His ex and her family..who btw don't give a rats a** about him, still came in first. I hate those people with a purple passion! She is the most awful woman, and her family is just a bunch of low life's..and they still won. And he had PROMISED me this wouldn't happen again! I had moved away and started my life over the last time..and I was actually very successful at it..and he called me back and PROMISED. I actually fell for it and came back and now I have less than NOTHING...and I have to feel this way AGAIN. I woke up crying this morning..I surely wish that God would just take me out of this! I am so tired of getting hurt...so tired of hurting. They say there is a reason for everything..but I can't figure this one out. It seems like a cruel joke!

[sakeeta]

OMG...I spoke with a mutual friend who spoke with my BF last night and he thinks all of this has to do with my being fired! He said that my BF really doesn't understand what happened. Now what am I supposed to do or think?? This is the LAST thing I expected.

[Lee725]

Be careful how far you let your mind think into the phone call.

 

A long time ago i broke up with my EX of 3.5 years, i would hear tid bits from time to time through mutual friends and sometimes it gave me the illusion/hope/dream (whatever you want to call it) that all would work itself out and we would be together again.

It didnt work out and i ended up getting crushed time and time again.

 

He might be thinking about the way things worked out and questioning the reasons why you broke up.

He has done this to you before, (broke up / back together / broke up).

 

You may also try to find out how this information came to be... did someone ask him straight out what happened and he just responded ? or did he bring the conversation up on his own? this may help to work out the foundation of the statement, whether he is thinking about it on his own or whether he is just responding.

 

As previous posts have stated, it does get better with time even tho it is hard to believe that now. You may never forget what has happened, but you somehow will cover it over in your mind, and the days will become less intense and the nights more restfull.

[sakeeta]

Yes..I am careful. I have heard this from more than one person now...the exact same thing. And as much as I would like to think that he couldn't possibly be that obtuse..I do believe that he is. No offense intended..and I know it's not just men, although more often than with women and I think it has something to do with the fact that men more than women see things in black and white and women see things in gray.

Yesterday I went through an incredible amount of anger. It hit me hard and I just got madder than h*ll. Then something hit me that made me see things in a whole new way.

We can't live together. That is the whole problem with our relationship. At this point, though I love him like I do, I have no thoughts of marrying him. Not because I don't want to, per se, but because at least at the moment he has too much baggage. It isn't that important to me. I don't think at this time it would work.

But when I thought of all the issues that we have..not living together would take care of all of it in ONE FELL SWOOP. Blew my mind. It had honestly never occurred to me before...so I guess you could say I was obtuse!

I spoke with another mutual friend who was unaware of all that had transpired. She used to date my BF's nephew who is very much like his uncle. Their relationship failed, and when I told her what I was thinking she agreed with me that what I was thinking could be right. She also told me that we (he and I) had come through too much to give it up for the reasons that I had told her.

I am the one who left. I am the one who can't deal with some of his philosophies..but at the same time I don't want to lose this man. He is a good man..just had a few quirks that I can't live with, but I could still have a relationship with him. If I don't live with him then the issues I have with him won't be any of my business. Fact of the matter is, I have been more a mother than a girlfriend. I don't want to be his mother, I WANT TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND!

I do genuinely think that he is boggled and really doesn't understand what happened. If I get the opportunity to talk to him I intend to let him know all this, and see what his reaction is.