natash24 Posted May 6, 2003 Posted May 6, 2003 Hi all, My boyfriend and I broke up about two weeks ago because we got into a huge argument over how things should be and this was the last straw . it was a pretty big blow up and I guess he was just fed up and wanted to quit but i asked him to keep on trying and he said he couldn't. Well we met over dinner to finally break it off officially and he said he still has strong feelings for me and I am important to him and he wants to keep the friendship and will try even though this will be his first time trying to be friends with an ex. I cried a lot begging him to give it another go but he said no and it's hard but it's something we must do ........ A week passes by and calls me saying we should try to be friends because I mean so much to him and asked me to the movies. We went to the movies as friends and things were great but it was so hard on me as I love him so much. I want him back together with me and I am not sure what to do but I needed to let my heart heal so I called him the next day saying I can't do the friendship thing because I have strong loving feelings for him and it won't go away if we see each other. he told me it was hard for him to not kiss or hold me as well . I ended the conversation saying i can't be freinds with him and to that he said he understood I have to do what is best for me and he hopes we can try to be friends again in the future because I am so important to him. It has been 5 days since I ended our trial friendship and I want to call him so bad or e-mail him. I am afraid if I do contact him it will make me look weak and I should wait for him to come to me but I don't think he will out of respect for my healing process. He knows I love him dearly so if he felt the same he would contact me right? Is this the best way to do things? To let it go and see if he comes back or to e-mail him with short things so he wont forget about me altogether and open the lines of communication? thanks all.
loca Posted May 6, 2003 Posted May 6, 2003 I think what you are doing is right. I am friends w/ some of my ex's but it took time for us both to heal and forgive. There are a few, however that I have not talked to in years. I think it all depends on how you ended it and how long you were together as to if you can be friends afterwards or not. If you hurt when you are with him then I suggest stay away and find someone who wants to be more than "just friends". How can you look at him just as a friend when you have so many emotions for him?
NEONINK Posted May 7, 2003 Posted May 7, 2003 I've always heard that it takes half the time of the relationship to heal from the relationship. I personally don't think you can be friends until that time passes.
Author natash24 Posted May 7, 2003 Author Posted May 7, 2003 Hi all thanks for your responses, my question isn't one of can he and I be friends. it's more of can I win him over by being friends or by playing hard to get and remaining out of sight so he misses me. Any input anyone could give would be great.
loca Posted May 7, 2003 Posted May 7, 2003 I would say be friends, but not covienent. I think you know what I mean. Be friends w/ him, but don't go out of your way. Keep some distance between the two of you.
loca Posted May 7, 2003 Posted May 7, 2003 I would say be friends, but not too covienent. I think you know what I mean. Be friends w/ him, but don't go out of your way. Keep some distance between the two of you.
circle Posted May 10, 2003 Posted May 10, 2003 Hmm, My story has some parallels here (not many but with respect to "friends with intent"). I broke up with a lover, because to cut a long story short, I am .... unavailable. When this happened I deperately wanted this person back, but had to come to terms that it was very unlikely. As I see it, acceptance is the biggest monster to slay here. I actually did that very early on, in that I soon realised a re-union was not likely, but there remained (and still does to some extent), the hope that something will click and circumstances will change. This hope can consume you if you are not careful, thoughts about playing hard to get, being aloof etc etc, perhaps that magic letter explaining your inner thoughts will do the trick - please try to avoid this route. There is a sensible path out of the maze though, I am on it, but its not always easy to stay on track .... Accept that it is over, believe it, walk away from it. By doing so, you will start to protect yourself, eventually become open to other opportunities, and the quirky thing is ... its that behaviour that is most likely to be attractive to the ex providing you burn no bridges - but do not expect that to happen! At the ripe old age of 33 I have learned that long letters of deep emotions serve little purpose. Better to let them know you love them, but that you accept things and that you will move forward at your pace. A pining love sick puppy never re-kindles love as far as I can tell. I know right now you want advice about how to win them back, but thats the hope monster for you, better take the road as soon as you can. By doing so, dont feel you are loosing chances - you are not, you are simply helping yourself in every way. Believe me one day along this road, it starts to roll downhill, and the thoughts of reconcilliation become more distant. I choose not to make any contact, because I find that I will be hurt by it (anything short of a re-union is pain), why subject myself to that? - I want to get better!, thoughts of "maybe if", "perhaps if I just" keep kicking me, but whenever I get the urge to contact I usually just say "ok, but I want to think about it first", by the time I do, my senses have returned, I have ascertained that there will be no benefit from it, and I dont do it. The only downside I have found by not contacting her, is that the effect of seeing her by chance is still quite powerful. The other day I happened to pass her in her car, it hit me for at least the next 48 hours. Sometimes I guess you need repeated pain to form a scar. Good luck
Author natash24 Posted May 12, 2003 Author Posted May 12, 2003 The advice you gave me was great and I do realize I have to move on with my life but i can't help but think if I write him a long email about how wonderful we were together , he would give us another chance. We have broken up before where I apologize in a long email and I write really good ones and he always comes back to me and I want to try one last time. I mean what have I got to lose right? I love him more and more everyday i am without him and want him bad so bad. I have a picture of him up and look at it everyday and can't seem to forget. I panic when I wake up knowing he doesn't love me anymore. What can I do to get over this or win him back? Please help .
loca Posted May 12, 2003 Posted May 12, 2003 natash- You should not have to sell yourself to someone. If he they love you they know how great you are together, they shouldn't have to be reminded. I say let him go and move on w/ your life. Put his picture away (it only does more damage). Why do you panic when you think about him not loving you? You must learn to love yourself. If you two have broken up before and he just keeps coming back, why do you let him? How do you know he will not do this again? Don't beg him to love you. Love yourself and stay busy. Go out w/ friends and family, put that time that you once spent w/ him into yourself. It hurts when we lose someone we love, but it will get better. Good luck to you.
circle Posted May 13, 2003 Posted May 13, 2003 Hi again I re-read your original post, I tend to give advice based on my recent experiences, where I definately need to move on. In your case this guy seems to give mixed signals. I say this because I am confused as to why HE would call you to say he wanted to be friends. Forget all the "I still have feelings for you" stuff because to readers of your post (ie people who do not know either of you) these could be things he says to lessen the blow - but the fact HE called is indicitive of him being uncertain, and not someone who just wants to finish this as quick as possible. I may easily be off the mark here, maybe his call was prompted by some action of yours - you will know. Therefore the best advice I can offer is to make a rational judgment based on what you REALLY believe to be true, not what you HOPE to be true. a) If you two got back together, would it really work once the drama of this break-up/reconcilliation subsided? b) Do you really believe he wants to be back in this relationship given his actions and the signals he has been giving? Bear in mind, if he loved you like I love my problemess, nothing would stand in the way of him letting you know. Plus If he is worrying about your "healing process", then he does not want a reconcilliation - if he did, you would not want you to be healed, in fact you would have nothing to be healed!!! If after you are honest with yourself you decide that moving on is the best thing, then start to DO IT. Time really will heal, but you need to start the clock ticking. Every day that photo stares at you is a day lost. After many months of this, I can testify that I am so much better than I was at the start, the only thing that sets me back is if I accidentally bump into her. The acute pain and panic goes relitively quickly providing you kill the hope monster (sorry but thats my term ) If you cut your arm, why keep pulling at the skin?, simplify your life, give yourself a break and heal. All the very best
Author natash24 Posted May 16, 2003 Author Posted May 16, 2003 Hi all. thanks for all of your replies. It has been almost a week since I called him and to recap the call was so very ackward. I caught him when he came out of a nap and was groggy and so the conversation wasn't flowing very well and in the end we both decided it was ackward and should end it even though we tried. Since then no more contact. I keep on thinking I should email him and tell him that we are special that despite our differences (him being so independent and me being young and a bit demanding and not having my life settled yet,) our efforts to try and make it work in the past and how we cared for each other so much should not be given up on and we should giveit another shot. But I guess I can't make him commit if he doesn't want to. I am just afraid his pride will get in the way and he won't take any inititative to see how he truly feels about me because I have been playing it cool never mentioning I want him back. I just play the role of a friend. I have heard it is better to leave men alone after they have broken up with you and they will come to terms with whether they want to come back or not and pushing the issue scares them but everytime he and I fought in the past and we broke up ( happened 2 times but we got back together in a few days), I always wrote him an email of what I thouht the situation was, telling him we love each other and should not let it go and what we need to work on. I do beleive we were getting better and making improvements and that is what i want to say, that our bond was so unique we shouldn't throw it away. I think he thinks I hate him because I haven't made any attempts to win him back , just be a friend to him. Please let me know what you think. Should I email him or should I just let it go and wait for him to come to me. I am afraid in he will force himself to think the worst of me in order to not get back together. Men do that don't they in order to forget and move on asap. Any help would be much appreciated thanks.
circle Posted May 16, 2003 Posted May 16, 2003 I have been in the same cycle as I mentioned before, for me now, no contact is definately the answer, for you I suspect one email maybe in order. I found that if you dont, you find yourself internally talking to them all day (in the shower, in the car) saying things you hope might change the situation. If you send a carefully constructed message with just the important points, you can at least be sure you have done all you can, and get on with everything else in life! I would try to ensure your message : a) has no pressure whatsoever. Avoid "I cant cope without you" kind of comments. b) has no persuasive element to it. He will make up his own mind, opinions cannot be transplanted. c) Plays no games. This depends on your level of pride, but if you play it too cool, you will continue to wonder if that was the cause of you not getting back together. I took a line where my core message was "I love you deeply, but I am prepared to let go", I guess yours is "I love you deeply, would like to make the changes necessary, but am prepared to let go if thats what you want." d) is reasonably lengthed, in a bound and indexed tome of 150 pages, your core message is likely to become lost, and you have probably also failed at "a" and "b". Then bask in the relief you have done the best you can, and stop being tortured by "what if I just" thoughts. Thats my opinion, but I think a mature message that you wont regret later down the line might be worthwhile, if only for peace of mind. After that, I stand by what I said, you should pretty much move on - AND PUT THE PICTURE AWAY!!!!! If you want to talk about the stages (8 months later) i went through then drop me a line, but we are all different and my case wont win me any friends.
teardrop Posted May 21, 2003 Posted May 21, 2003 Hi-- I am dealing with a very painful situation- similar to yours and I don't really know how to hande it either.The man I love has stopped caling me after 4.5 years because he's not free to be with me.We have just been friends-- very special friends all through the years. No meetings alone, no kisses-- no sex-- just phone calls. Now he's having a guilt complex apparently because even though he hasn't told me he isn't going to call me anymore I haven't heard from him. I've gone from 8 calls a day to nothing.If he would just call and discuss everything with me-- I would try to be understanding and I would willingly give him the space he needs while trying to decide what to do .But I hear only silence.I ask myself---Do I call him or do I allow him this time that he apparently must be needing away from me-- with no contact?So I certainly can understand your pain and your confusion. I hope your situation eases for you--this heartache is terrible- beyond words.I can't be;ieve that he hasn't called to tell me he isn't going to call me anymore after all we have been through.We have been such great friends though the years - so close.Platonic but so bonded-- and yes we are in love with each ohter but he now feels even our friendship is out of line considering he is married.Hope you find some comfort and answers to your problem.
Author natash24 Posted May 22, 2003 Author Posted May 22, 2003 It was his Birthday 3 days ago and I sent him an ecard saying I wish him a happy birthday trying to be funny about our 8 year age difference saying that even though he is old he is still great and I have to catch up with him. Well he sends back a thank-you email saying thanks it was sweet and he thinks I am great too , just some nice brush me off note I suppose. I feel horrible and know he probably has moved on and he doesn't care about me anymore. We haven't spoken since that one ackward conversation like a week and a half ago. I have finally taken his picutre down erased him from my MSN messenger and have given up hope. I guess it is for the best and I can move on now. There is not a day I don't think about him and when I do it all seems like a dream and I wish that I could relive everything all over again. But I can't, I just have to remember that it wasn't perfect. I once wondered why I loved him and I thought to myself he is lacking in so many things that I need, it was the idea of him that I loved. The actual person was really selfish and uncaring and I should not love someone who does not love me back like that . I haev to let go and stop obsessing. It's so hard to do but I think I am handdling it better it's just sometimes I get down about things and it makes me want to cry. Anyways I am young right 25 and he is much older 33 . The age difference might have been too big, wrong timing whatever but I hope I will find someone more wonderful than he who gives me everything I need not just parts of what I need and I need to remember that. Thanks for the advice all and I would love to hear from you all again and see how things are going so write back.
AK Posted May 22, 2003 Posted May 22, 2003 if you have to chase him down to get him to love you---move on. He needs to chase you and you need to be told how much he needs you. If not him...NEXT. You are too good and wonderful to have to go and hunt a man down.
circle Posted May 22, 2003 Posted May 22, 2003 Although, I know that when someone says well done, you probably recoil a little thinking "yea but I feel so bad". I can totally relate to the dream thing. If you are not careful you can make them a fantasy. My feelings for her went through the roof when I lost her in this way. Now I am beginning to apply some reality to the situation. You sound like a really together person, I am not sure I can offer any further advice, I am 33 and am only just begging to learn the same lessons as you! If you want to share experiences though feel free to drop me a line. Circle
NEONINK Posted May 22, 2003 Posted May 22, 2003 Congratulations for determining that your path doesn't include him. You will heal in time. But as another post pointed out, you can't start healing until you start the clock ticking. Personally, I would rather be out or in the relationship, instead of in the 'nowhere limbo land'. That's the most nerve racking. Heck, losing a relationship or someone you love... You get to cry, then feel better and eat Ben and Jerry's and sit on the sofa watching 'Bridgett Jones Diary' and calling old friends and talking to your Mom. You'll probably lose weight because you won't be hungry, you'll go shopping to make yourself feel better, and eventually you'll look great and feel great. You'll amaze yourself. You get to eventually smile again, and when you do, next thing you know, somebody notices that you didn't see before. However, in limbo land, God I hate that, which btw is where I'm at, it totally sucks. I don't know whether to sit or stand. Whether to go out or stay home. I hope for a phone call, but it doesn't happen. I'm wasting my time. Good for you! You'll do great. And very soon, I will too.
Author natash24 Posted May 23, 2003 Author Posted May 23, 2003 Hi all, thanks for all of your responses. It is nice to know I am not alone. I must say that this new revelation I have is not because I am strong but because I have to be. I was drugged by some people I knew and ODed and woke up not knowing much except I went to the ER and have been trying to put the pieces together. This experience is more traumatic than I can say. I have no choice but to move on and in the grand scheme of things everyone be thankful to have your health and be safe. Broken hearts come and go but being safe taking care of oneself and protecting oneself from the really bad things in life should be your main concern. I know that I can overcome anything if I can survive this incident. For all of those with a broken heart take comfort that you have not experienced this traumatizing expereince and you will survive if I can and I know I will. I pray everyday and have decided to take control of my life and not allow things, people to dictate me to be a good person live a good life and keep the faith . Take care all.
tintinnyho Posted June 21, 2003 Posted June 21, 2003 Hi Natash24, after reading all the posts and replies of your story, i feel very very happy and touched for how you feel in the end. Because I am just walking through what you have been through right now, and very very repect your courage... Do you mind if i ask you how you are right now?? I really want to hear that you are a happy girl who has finally walk out of the blue and found herself! Please drop me a line if you don't mind sharing it.
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