michael7878 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I have to decide in three days... hopefully you guys can give some advice. Sorry about rather long post... My dream girl I met my "dream girl" about a year ago just some months after my divorce. The way we got together was almost like from a movie because we both had been interested in each other for a while through mutual hobbies and everything just clicked beatifully. I was so into her that I wanted her to move in with me right away which she did. In many ways she was everything that I had hoped my ideal girlfriend to be so I was really happy. The good stuff We started to share beatiful relationship and bonded together really well having same hobbies and likes. It would be rare for us to be separate at anypoint. She had few character issues in the beginning that I was irritated about but all of them weened out and she has been really comfortable to be with all this year. Her family has taken to me well and I like them as well. She wants to get married eventually if I only want to and she wants to have kids. However I was shocked when my family met her and they didn't really accept her. That was because they all thought she was slightly unintelligent. I had acknowledged that but I didn't care about that because everything else was fine, my opinion still is that she is more unique and submissive than unintelligent as she doesn't really express her deepest thoughts as more forceful and dominant characters do. She has no emotinal baggage and is really low-maintenance (or actually no-maintenance) especially compared to the moody train-wreck my ex-wife used to be. In other words, she has great positive energy and is easy to be with. The bad stuff It was really small thing at beginning... I noticed that we didn't click that well sexually. It wasn't that good for me as it was for her... in my marriage sex was good, at times even awesome, right from the beginning to the end even when other things were not so good. I think I tried real hard to compensate for this lack of compatibility because she was my ideal type otherwise so I didn't think much about it until recently. It is not about techniques, inhibitations etc. that people would normally think about but just about mismatching sexual energies. So I was feeling glass half-full all the time which was really starting to get my nerves and started to even contemplate to look for satisfaction elsewhere. At the end I wasn't the type of guy to do that. I have always seen sex as hugely important part of succesful relationship. Even with my ex-wife we would have our quarrels but I'd just give it to her well and all would be fine afterwards. Anyways I've come to the point to realize that either I ignore my sex-drive and try to muffle it for rest of my life for sake of otherwise comfortable loving relationship or I accept the fact that this relationship won't work sexually and walk away. Right now, after huge mental fight with myself, I am leaning towards the latter. I just can't see myself struggling for the next 20-30 years with platonic love type relationship. Also it is hard for me to imagine her to be mother of my children as I am worried about if she would be intelligent enough to raise them. I've thought this over and over again for every day for the last week or so and I still cannot come with 100% clear decision. What is holding me back is that she is very loving towards me and easy to come along with and I really hate to throw that away like this. Also I fear about the loss. I know that if I walk away from this relationship I probably won't find anyone else who would be so comfy to be with and share things with. What a waste... I have already found a apartment to move to and I have to give final go-ahead in three days time so I am spending these three days to mull this over. I hate to do this, I really do, but it seems I need to for long-term. I don't wanna waste any time in relationship that has no long-term future. I already wasted enough years in my marriage. Any thoughts?
Poboy Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 if things are not good in the bed , it can be worked on. she can learn from experience and guidance from you. comparing to the ex's is not a good idea as you might have higher standards & expectations now and no two people are same. if you think she cant mother your children, its a deal breaker right there irrespective of other things. the only thing is how you arrived at this conclusion that she wont be able to. how old are you. why you think you cant have a relationship in the future with someone else.
Spinderella Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 There are many forms of intelligence, and I wouldnt say that intelligence was a neccessary requirement for raising kids well. Perhaps more a kind of relaxed wisdom, which is what she sounds as though she may possess. As for the sex component, it could be worked on, as Poboy says, but perhaps it is more of a personality thing. Perhaps its the wilder types that do it for you. Maybe she is too calm for you. You have to weigh up whats most important to you in a relationship, because as you probably discovered with your first wife, youre unlikely to get everything perfect. Having said all of that, I think you should let her go and find someone who adores her, rather than just puts up with her for fear of not getting anyone better.
Italiana Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 What would make you think she is unintelligent? thats not a very nice thing to say. Have you always felt this way about her and had these doubts about her or has it just been since your family has disapproved..
Author michael7878 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 Thanks for the replies, they are much appreciated. if things are not good in the bed , it can be worked on. she can learn from experience and guidance from you. comparing to the ex's is not a good idea as you might have higher standards & expectations now and no two people are same. Unfortunately what is wrong in bed is not something that can be coached. if you think she cant mother your children, its a deal breaker right there irrespective of other things. the only thing is how you arrived at this conclusion that she wont be able to. She is somewhat passive and doesn't make lot of effort to learn new things. I can see intelligence difference, although not that bad, in various things like how she often loses complex movie plots or keeps forgetting things that I teach her about our hobbies. Things like that keeps worrying me how she would be able to raise kids especially if something would happen to me. how old are you. why you think you cant have a relationship in the future with someone else. I'm 30. Of course I can have relationship in the future with someone else but I'm really fond of my girlfriend and hate to leave her just because I have rationalized in my mind that I can't stay with her longterm. Brain over heart so to speak. There are many forms of intelligence, and I wouldnt say that intelligence was a neccessary requirement for raising kids well. Perhaps more a kind of relaxed wisdom, which is what she sounds as though she may possess. Could be but I am leaning towards thinking that I just have to go with my observations and instinct rather than risk having a kid and then finding out for the worse. What would make you think she is unintelligent? thats not a very nice thing to say. Have you always felt this way about her and had these doubts about her or has it just been since your family has disapproved.. I noted it by myself beforehand. It was just shock to hear and see it from them so bluntly.
Jmina Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 are you just really fond of her or are you in love with her? if you were in love with her, these lame excuses wouldnt even be more than a passing thought... i couldnt bare to leave my partner over these things. i would want her to be the mother of my children even if she ended up in a crash and was paralysied. you dont marry someone so they can look after your children you marry someone because you love them with all your heart and soul and would accept no other to have your children whether she is an air head or not! there are solutions to the sex thing, if you really wanted to, you could find out other options to make yourself happier (nothing unloyal ofcourse) have you spoken to her about you not being happy in bed? it all starts there. if you come across problems in relationships its better to work it out than go to the next relationship and leave them when you come across a problem also. i do understand what it is liek to be sexualy frustrated in a relationship, but i kept my mouth shut, i couldve opened up and gently worked it out. i wish i did. is it her or you that the problem starts with? i would be so angry if you were my ex and you left me over these things. for goodness sake dont tell her why. in the end just tell her you love her but not enough and so it is not fair for either of you. which is what it comes down to. maybe you do love her enough, we are all different and have different views on relationships and choices, and your just coming to a confusing time because its so different to what your used to but that is my two cents to offer any direction or guidance. Jmina
Author michael7878 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 Jmina those are all good questions. To be honest I don't really know if it is real love for her or am I just really fond of her. I do know that I love what we have together and she is definetely my best friend. If I would just follow my emotions I would stay with her for now but my logical mind and instinct are telling me to move on to pursue other things in life and not to settle for less. That might sound selfish but it is just how I am and probably guys out there can identify with that. I've been talking to her about my feelings and I even told her that I want to leave. She just wants to stay with me and she even stopped mentioning marriage etc. cause she is afraid to spook me off. This is really frying up my mind. I have never been in situation where I haven't been able to make up my mind so it is tough.
Spinderella Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 No. You are making the mistake of talking to your best friend (her), about problems you have WITH her. She cannot do anything about these things, and it is unfair to draw this out and make her feel inadequate before you dump her, or worse, before you stay with her, and then all her time with you is spent feeling bad about herself. You may not be specifically mentioning why you feel this way, but, dont worry, she is human and will find something to pin it on. Not saying it is wrong to have criteria, but, make a decision and stick to it. If its wrong, at least you learn something.
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