OH GOD what have i done..

[Incognito09]

Hello everyone. I really need help let me start from the begining of everything. First start at this party i liked this girl very much. Well i didnt give 2 ****s though at the time but the guy she was with was very abusive. Physically. So i basically got pissed one day cause i saw it and i became her knight in shinning armor. I took her away and for about a week straight i protected her. Once the guy finally gave up i just kinda told her to be on her way.

So i have problems in my life then i wasnt in college i was a drifter just about really. I lived on the streets a few times being a bum all in all. I went back to parents now and then but barely. Then one day she came over early in the god damn morning i was kinda thinking WTF!? She brought me breakfast... so i took it she came in and spoke to me. Now at that time i really didnt care and alone was horny at the time. So i kissed her and basically... we had sex then and there. She was kinda shy and blah blah. that happend for 1 week straight. One day she went down on me and i went she is a tiny VERY tiny girl. 5"3 98 pounds. She couldnt take my load so she threw up all over me. I was crackin up in my head just laughing i opened my eyes to see her run into a corner shaking and freaking out. I got up and walked over i looked at her and asked her whats wrong?? She was scared i was going to beat her... i picked her up with a smile and hugged her. Pet her hair and calmed her down. I told her " Dear i will never lay a hand on you dont you ever worry about that ever!". That was the day i fell for her....

 

After that we started hangin out i met her parents they loved me! Even the father just was impressed with me! " i was only telling him things that would impress not of my situation at the time though". After about two months of pure hell though.. she wasnt opening up she still had her gaurd. One day she called me over and broke up with me...she was cold about it. She laughed in my face. I looked at her best friend and it was her best friend who i KNOW had something to do with it. So later that night i called and screamed at her and her friend making them both cry. i was satisfied and i hung up and never called for about 2 weeks. Then one day she calls me crying and drunk. She misses me and wants a second chance so bad. So i said ok " but i was going to get back with her and cheat on her in front of her with her most hated enemy that i knew has a friend. When i was gettin things going.. i noticed.. she changed. She is open... she shows me everything now. So i changed my mind and stayed with her. From there on out we had a AWSOME relationship for about a year and a half. Then something came up.

 

Btw she isnt really a sexual girl she thought that if she didnt have sex with me i wouldnt have gotten her that first day. So anyways .. being with this girl she changed my life. She and her parents got be back in school. They got me working with my parents again and my life is like.. i have a 2nd chance again! She got me to stop smoking and i mean she helped me BIG time. My parents bought me a car and we got along again cause of her.

Then the day came.... she found out she was moving to vegas. Her and her family. They had to. She begged and pleaded for me to come. Tears rolled down her eyes everyday. I wouldnt budge. She cried and during sex at times she would cry and while i was inside of her she would hold me and just tell me she loved me and begged and cried. Finally after about another 4 months of that. I broke. I transfered schools down there and was gettin ready. During that stage i was going through hell. I would watch tv and see cheating, deception, break ups, just not good stuff. My instincts told me.. she is young. She is going to want to explore the world and other people and stuff. Let her go! She might seem like the honest girl but you dont need this let her go! You dont have a garuntee dont go! My mind was tellin me all this stuff and scenarios that could happen.

 

So for the next 2 months i talked to her and spoke to her about all this. She stood firm and bold dead into my eyes. Told me she will never leave me! Promised she would never **** me over! She said your doing this for me! I cant do that to a person if they did this all for me! I AM young but i want to experience everything with you! I see men like i view women right now cause your are here and i love you!

 

So i gotta slim this down for you guys.. soo all in all lets just say this. She begged once again and garunteed me she will always be there and wants us to be married! ALSO during our relationship she has lost all her friends cause she was always iwth me 24/7. Also when we fought she told me to never call her a bitch! I did to get a rile when we are fighting. She has hit me twice... funny how things change.. i changed her into a stronger person really. There is still alot of stuff i left out but all in all she showed her love everyday. But the one mistake i did was i barely supported her after the whole finding out vegas thing. It was all about me going down there and how things would play out. It was all relationship about me. Thats when i noticed a change in her. She was gettin... distant. She still loved me and showed it. But i saw sadness. Something was up. But it was too late. If i didnt leave now i wouldnt ever be able to go to vegas for a while.

 

So the day i was about to leave she washes all my cloths and does so much for me to get ready. She cried and hugged me and told me she will be there soon! (i moved down there 2 months before she is coming officially so i can get settled into the school and wat not).

 

I make it down here and well i been here for 3 weeks now and its been hell. I met awsome people but it seems nothing is going right. Me and her are fighting alot on the phone. I was freaking out cause of hte move and everythig i was missin her and gettin insecure. My instincts were rising against me. She went to NY to visit her sister. She rarely gets to see her sister. But when she was there i gave her hell. Which was wrong. Then basically afterthe 3 weeks i have been here.. 3 days ago... she calls me and tells me. We need to take a break. I am confused. I dont kno what i want now. She tells me i was being controlling in the relationship. Her mom and dad and sister all saw it. We were always together. She lost all of her close friends and she is gettin them back now. She said she didnt realize it when i was there. She says i need time to think. I ask her... do you still love me? She says yes but i want to experience things on my own. I dont wanna go to vegas. I dont kno what to do now. I dont kno what to go to college for. I might stay in chicago to become a nurse. Or i might go to NY to live with my sister and go to school there. But i am scared to do those things. So i might even come to vegas with my parents. I dont kno i need time to think.

Then i ask her.. are you still physically attracted to me? She says hunny you are gorgeous and always will be. I say " no i am askin do you find me that was still" she said.. she lost that tingly feeling in the stomach she had when she first saw me during the first year now she feels that she is use to me. I start to cry... cause it feels like everything is gettin back to me. Btw me and her kno when someone says they want to take a break that means there is some one else. So that made me cry more. She says "NO i dont want to date anyone i am not lookin for anyone! i am just confused on what i want to do give me time!" I told her what about all those promises and garuntees? I feel betrayed! She says "i take full responsibility i will get you back to chicago.

I tell her what is that going to do for me? I want you i love you. Remember? Your dad wants me to come here and get a college education so i can marry you! REMEMBER?! She says yes but she has this attitude like she doesnt care. She has no emotions right now. I am crying and heart broken and she is showing nothing.

 

So i say ok take your time. She says she only needs a day to think. I say no i dont want to hear from you for a week. I want you to really think what you are doing. So living through this i been breaking down alot and really feeling like crap. My roomates are kool has hell and helping me. I have met alot of girls down here and i have only been here 3 weeks! But that matter not to me. This girl is who i want... i want no one else! So she calls the next day and i tell her i apologize for calling her bitch when we fight and i am sorry i havent been much supportive lately. I also helped her alittle on deciding about college. I am just supporting her now. She stops and says

i thought i would never hear that from you... thank you.

So i tell her i gotta go i dont want to talk to you for long i want you to think. She says ok .. good bye <My name>. i say i love you kara good bye and she says you kno i feel the same too and then hangs up.

 

I am now in distraught. I am freaking out REALLY bad now i am thinking she is seeing another man or something i am FREAKING the hell out. I go so nuts to the point. I hacked her myspace, face book, hot mail and yahoo accounts. I go through everything. And to my dismay.. i find her friend basically comin back out of the shadows. They were the one to cause all of this. I understand now. I see no guys flirting with her or anything like that. So it put me at ease. I checked EVERYTHING on each account.

 

So lately i been givin her time and the girls i kno and roomates have been comforting me. Especially the girls. Some post on my myspace. On of the girls REALLY likes me. Dont get me wrong she is a BEAUTIFUL korean girl. But like i said.. i only want one girl. The one who changed my life. The korean girl puts a comment on my myspace basically telling me she is always there for me to lean on. Some other stuff then at the end she says go get some sleep silly so you can be ready for me tommorow hehe! <3 <3 <3. So i guess my girl sees it and calls me today. She calls and says i have a question. i say " ok shoot".

 

PAUSE! lol wow i been writing a while lol. Well before i continue let me tell you during this time i spoke to many friends and family. Just about everyone is telling me ist the friends and the long distance. Give it time she will come back. If she comes to vegas then you have nothing to worry about. SCHOOL FIRST! Also my mom told me to call her mom asking for some key she accidentally gave to my girl. But her and my roomate both tell me dont act depressed with the mom dont spill your guts to her. The mom cares about you but she cares more about her daughter. So just call ask for the key and hang up. So i did... and the mom kept asking me am i ok am i going to be ok. Do i wanna talk. I just say " i am taking this day by day doing my best. Look my mom needs that key so just have her drop it off. She says ok but are you sure you dont wanna talk or anything? i say i have to do this on my own. Give her time to think. I tell the mom good bye.

i try to call back later that nite to tell the mom my PO box address but she didnt pick up.. ODD. So i left a message and went on about my day. SO ANYWAYS BACK TO THE STORY!

 

i say ok shoot" My girl says.. "are you doing anything with those girls out there?" I tell her look hun i am too distraught over you. I love you and only you. They are only tryin to cheer me up like friends should do. I love you dont ever think of that. She says ok. Then she proceeds with her day and i am tryinto be positive of course and supportive. Then she talks about her slutty manager that sleeps with the guys at her job. On how that manager chick picks on her every day making it ****ty to the point she wants to cry.

I ask.. why does she hate you?? She says " Some guy there she really likes.. likes me instead and thinks i am cute so the manager hates me for that".

 

OK I WAS FEELING GOOD TO KNO THAT SHE CARES STILL! SHE got jealous over some girl tryin to help me! she cares! THEN after hearing that guy liking her everything went down hill for me. I hold my ground and tell her.. dont tell me that hun plz dont i cant handle that right now.

 

 

PAUSE! something i didnt mention. i told her once she is in college, working blah blah she is going to meet guys taht like her and blah blah. She told me she doesnt care she wants me and me alone! She also told me about her job alot on how all the guys and girls there she talks to are ******* but some are kool. She talks to some of the guys but they all have g/fs....?

 

So anyways i am freaking out once again! i tell her look we need to stop talkin you need to think. She says yea your right .. but if you ever need to call me or need me at all call ok ? i say " no.. you need your time." She stops me and goes NO NO i was only sayin if you need me! I tell her again.. no think first. At the end of the week will be the time we will sit on the phone and get everything out in the open. She says ok. I say i love you. She just says good bye. It hurt.. but then i asked if she could just make me feel confident. She gets confused i say forget it and good bye. At that time i was at a girl from school's house at the time. Studying. That girl and her mom have been takin care of me basically since i moved down here. I dont kno what it is but i have become part of their family now.. weird. Anyways they kno whats going on and the mom drags me to the room and talks to me. She tells me thats sounded like a good conversation. She says she probably only mentioned that guy liking her so she could get a rile out of you cause you did her. But dont look passed it she might actually have a guy there that likes her.

 

PAUSE clue you in about something this girl is very religious.. i mean she belive highly in god and well to give you a good thing about her she is very caring person. Doesnt seem like it right now but she is trust me. She just has a problem with who she gives attention to. Right now just looks like her friends are winning cause i am not there.

 

 

SO ANYWAYS. I get done talking to the mom she made me feel better about this. Tells me i still have that hope that i will still get her back just calm yourself and embrace for the worse though. I hop in my car and head home. i get home and it hits me again. What if she is with a guy. I cant imagin her with another guy i just cant. It hurts too much. But then again i cant IMAGIN LIVING WITH OUT HER! WE WANTED TO GET MARRIED! we are going to college so we CAN get married! WHAT HAPPEND! GOD HELP ME! I WANT TO DIE! NOW! So i just couldnt take it anymore. So i calmed myself and now looking for answers.

 

Sorry for the long ass story i left somethings out i bet but this is mainly it. I found this place and i just need some one to give me some advice. Look i know i should move on in all honesty. But i love this girl to death. I have been in puppy love before and all that but this was REAL love. I changed EVERYTHING about me to become a better person to marry her and a better person for myself. Look i dont knw what to do. I am concentrating on school right now but i DONT want to lose her. I love her so much.

I WILL NEVER find a girl like her again. The person she is. The tinyness! The share beauty i get from her every time i see her. I dont kno.

 

I sent her flowers from Flowers.com and like a nice card apologizing for somethings i did in the past. I sent them today they will be there tommorow lets see what happends with that but either way i dont kno what to do. OH GOD i dont want to lose her but i am making my body ready to lose her. I am making my mind think that i have already lost her. I am tryin to move on right now. But we are still kinda together. But i dont kno. I did all this uprooting and EVERYTHING just so i can be with her. I dont kno what to do. I met people out here that are kool has hell. So i will probably stay but i really want her and love her. If i had money right now i would be flyin down on the weekend to see her if i could but i dont have cash monies so i have to live with what i have. I will see her thanks givings and on my birthday +christmas. After those days is the day her parents are moving. Thats when i will find out i guess if she is comin or not.

 

Anyways like i said i left alot of things out but i want to hear your guys feed back on what you read so far.. PLZ help me and PLEASE pray for me. i am not really religious but i do belive there is a god.

[yippkiyay]

ok brother you need to chill out. You sent flowers fine. not sure if thats a good idea but it couldn't hurt. Take a step back put things in perspective. If you were someone else would you think you were thinking rationaly right now? Can this rekationship realy work? is it realy worth all this?

[Lyssa]

Wow - that was a LOOONNGG one!

 

Incognito09, I'm sorry you're put through all this. It must be painful for you. Especially after all the changes that have been made.

 

You have done all you can. You need to chill, yes. Nothing you do right now is going to change anything. She needs to figure out on herself what she wants. The flowers you sent, sweet but that should be it for now.

 

Hang in there, buddy...

[Incognito09]

God i am really tryin to chill. Its 3 am in the morning and i cant sleep. Every time i close my eyes she pops in my head. And i start to dream of the times we had. The times she was just cute. I just wake up screaming. Short of breath and my heart beating fast. I try taking my mind off it but i cant. I am trying so hard to just forget about her for now. I got class in a few hours and i cant sleep. I am trying to hang in there. Trying my hardest. I just feel better when people talk to me. Comfort me but everyone is sleeping lol.

 

God i hacked her accounts. I feel like a f ing dick. Like i said back in the day when i was 17-20 i was a huge *******. Didnt care about women's feelings too much. I didnt care about anyone's feelings really. A girl would do this to me i would just blow it off like nothing. But here i am trying to bring back the old me so i can just forget this **** and its not working. I just want to be like i was ... well emotionally i mean. I just wanna be able to close myself off from the pain as best as i can right now so i can just concentrate on school.

 

Ya know if we do work this out yes i really think our relationship is worth it. We barely fought and when we did it didnt last long at all. There was more fun than anything. Sigh:: i dont kno what to do. I am about to down some night time medicine and knock myself out i need to get sleep.

 

Yea i sent flowers. She doesnt get it much from me only when she is sick back when i was there. She loves flowers and teddy bears. So i am hoping that it has some effect. Otherwise than those flowers i am doing my best to try to avoid her calls. Till friday were we will talk everything out.

 

One of the girls i met down here knows a guy that can get free plane tickets found this out like 1 hour ago on myspace message from her. She is going to try to get me a ticket for this friday. Either way if she ends it or not i want to be face to face with her by Friday or Saturday.