feel like crushed again

[hopeforlove243]

I have posted here before, so I will not repeat my story. Basically, my 2 years relationship ended when my ex-bf asked for spaces in July, since then, I have tried several NC, none of them last long. Every time we talked, it ended with me yelling at him cause I want to know why(there was no warning sign for me before this happened, I was shocked, and crushed), and whatever reason he came up all doesn't make sense to me. He insists that we could be friends, I am special to him, he wants to have me as his friend, he panics when I say I don't want to be his friend (that is his own words). We were then talking about couple counseling, he agreed with that, but wanted to date others while doing counseling. The counselor said it is useless if he didn't want to commit to make the relationship work, so, he said he would let me know today about if he wants to do counseling. Even though I knew his decision would be no, yet, when I heard it, I was still crushed. I hanged up the phone, then deleted all his phone numbers from all my phones, and deleted all his emails, and sent him a short email, after that, deleted his email address also. It is like he is out of my life, and this time there is not turning back, but I couldn't stop crying, even while I am tying this post. My heart is so broken now. Am I doing the right thing to erase him out of my life? he was my best friend, my best travel companion, and my world :(

[magda]

Yes, you have to stop the cycle. He keeps hurting you over and over again. You're doing the right thing. You have to separate yourself from him even though it still hurts... but as time passes you will not feel the hurt so strongly. I hope that he respects your wishes but he made his decision to break up and it is unfair for him to expect you to transition seamlessly from lover to friend.

[hopeforlove243]

Thank you Magda, but I feel so terrible, It has been 2 hours, and I am still crying. In my email to him, I told him that I deleted all his phone number, and I am going to remove his email address too, I wanted to tell him that I don't want to be his friend, maybe deep down, I want to hurt him a little cause he hurts me so much? Do you think that someday we could be friend again?

[magda]

Try not to even think about that now. You will see how you feel as time goes by. Saying that you don't want to be his friend probably is something said only out of hurt and spite. It means nothing anyway because you are not in a position to be a friend. That can come only when it's been so long you don't care about this whole situation and forget the pain. It is best to approach the situation as if he has died and you will never talk to him again. that sounds a bit too macabre but I believe it is true. I believe the grieving is very much the same.

[hopeforlove243]

In a way I wish he is dead, then I might be able to tell me that there is no turning back, he is gone, forever. But, he is out there, happy, and I am here feel miserable, I had to quit work today and come home, cause I couldn't do anything at work. I want to call him so bad today, I want to know what things that he thinks we are not compatible, even though he said that we are compatible in million other things, this is so hard... I can erase his phone number from my phone, but I can't erase his phone number from my memory

[brothermartin]

There is probably no amount of apologises that anyone can say to you right now that will make THIS kind of pain go away. So I'll follow-up my apology with more. Im sorry your're going through this. I know how you feel. We're here for you.

 

Now the good news: YOUR'RE BEAUTIFUL! YOU KNOW YOU ARE! AND NOW YOUR'RE FREE! FREE TO LOVE ALL THE THINGS IN LIFE THAT YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE! SHOW THE WORLD HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE! SHOW YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND CAPTIVATING! LIVE YOUR LIFE AS THE FREE, BEAUTIFUL, LOVEABLE PERSON THAT YOU ARE!