niceandslow Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I love my boyfriend very much, in fact, I have never felt this way about anybody before. He is amazing in so many ways, and I adore him. I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. However, he thinks otherwise of me. Basically, he told me he doesn't trust me. I never game him any reason not to trust me. The issue is that I have a lot more guy friends than girl friends. He thinks I have sex or want to have sex with any guy I hang out with. I have a guy roommate, and he thinks I am going to have sex with him. I don't know why he thinks this or why he would ever assume that. I can understand to a point why he might be upset because I would be a little jealous if he was hanging around girls all the time. I would never accuse him of having sex with anybody though. How can I make him understand? I want him to trust me. It is so frustrating because I want him to see he is the only guy I want and need...
bish Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I love my boyfriend very much, in fact, I have never felt this way about anybody before. He is amazing in so many ways, and I adore him. I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. However, he thinks otherwise of me. Basically, he told me he doesn't trust me. I never game him any reason not to trust me. The issue is that I have a lot more guy friends than girl friends. He thinks I have sex or want to have sex with any guy I hang out with. I have a guy roommate, and he thinks I am going to have sex with him. Well there you go right there. You have a guy roommate. I wouldn't have a gf with a guy roommate. Really, what good can come of it? You share the shower, are in the same place...are you going to tell me the guy roommate has never been around you in your evening wear? Whether you would or wouldn't do your guy roommate isn't the issue...the issue is you have a guy roommate and any guy would not feel good about that. Why do you have a guy roommate in the first place? If you really respect your bf and love him, you'll move out.
Mezzi Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I agree with Bish. No way in hell if I were a guy would I be comfortable nor would I tolerate my girlfriend living with another man (apart from a relative) under any circumstances. The best way to solve this problem is to move out or better yet move in with your boyfriend. If its a case where you definitely need a roommate to split the rent and you only have guy friends and you cant move in with your boyfriend....I dont know what to tell you. Your boyfriend is understandably pissed so I guess you have some serious decisions to make if you indeed love him a lot and believes that he also loves you greatly.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 While I agree with Bish, and Mezzi about the guy roomate... and having tons of guy friends, I'm also kinda wierded out by how your BF reacts to the situation. He seems like he might be the crazy jealous type. What is his dating past like? Also, the fact that you have lots of guy friends is bad too. Girls who dont get along well with other girls are nearly always bad news!
jcster Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 If you really respect your bf and love him, you'll move out. What?! NO!! Never change your housing situation, your friends, your job or your "look" for your boyfriend. Who the hell are they to ask that of you? Would you accept friends that were that critical of your lifestyle? (I'm really hoping the answer is no) Then don't take it from your boyfriends either. It's far better to find a guy that's not threatened by your lifestyle than to change your life to suit some insecure guy. Be yourself - it's all you can do.
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 What?! NO!! Never change your housing situation, your friends, your job or your "look" for your boyfriend. Who the hell are they to ask that of you? Would you accept friends that were that critical of your lifestyle? (I'm really hoping the answer is no) Then don't take it from your boyfriends either. It's far better to find a guy that's not threatened by your lifestyle than to change your life to suit some insecure guy. Be yourself - it's all you can do. I agree with you, Jcster. I don't think you should move out just because your bf can't deal with it. I have friends who have male roomies and they are not sleeping with each other. That's just too crazy. Never change for a guy. If he can't deal with you being around men - tough! Does not mean when you have more guy friends than girls, you wanna sleep with each and every one of them!
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 It's far better to find a guy that's not threatened by your lifestyle than to change your life to suit some insecure guy. Be yourself - it's all you can do. Umm... yeah. Look, if you have issues, fix them. My gut says this guy has issues! I'm also going to say... too many guy friends throws off a bad vibe, capiche?
Krytie TV Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I put the impetus on the bf to change his deal. You were always living with a male roomate and had male friends right? Tell him he chose to date you and that you're not giving up your life for him. Giving up your friends is the first thing controlling men try to get you to do. His behavior sounds very much like he may be that kind of guy. If he is, he will act very methodically until he succeeds in isolating you. Be careful, niceandslow. Keep an eye out for warning signs.
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I'm also going to say... too many guy friends throws off a bad vibe, capiche? Yes it does throw a guy off but does that mean she is easy? I know it totally blew my BF off the amount of guy friends I have but they are just that, friends. Then again, there are women out there who have a lot of guy friends and flirt with each and every one of them on top of having a BF of her own... that is obviously totally wrong. In other way, I see OP's BF being this way... could be because he is having the same thoughts of himself? You know how it is that when one is lying, they always think everyone else is lying as well... I don't know how to explain it but I was in sort of the same situation with my BF and he was questioning me a lot back then because he was lying to me about his situation....
bish Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 While I agree with Bish, and Mezzi about the guy roomate... and having tons of guy friends, I'm also kinda wierded out by how your BF reacts to the situation. He seems like he might be the crazy jealous type By saying he doesn't trust her? By saying he thinks she has sex with him? Look at the facts...they share the same living space. Are you saying that anyone that doesn't trust that situation is a crazy jealous type? This guy's feelings about the situation are not out of line.
bish Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 What?! NO!! Never change your housing situation, your friends, your job or your "look" for your boyfriend. Who the hell are they to ask that of you? Would you accept friends that were that critical of your lifestyle? (I'm really hoping the answer is no) Then don't take it from your boyfriends either. It's far better to find a guy that's not threatened by your lifestyle than to change your life to suit some insecure guy. Be yourself - it's all you can do. We are not talking about changing friends or lifestyles for gods sake...we are talking about a girl with a guy roommate. Its her choice to do so....but she shouldn't be surprised if she can't keep a guy if she has a guy roommate. There weren't plenty of girl's who needed a roommate? why is she shacking up with a guy?
bish Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I agree with you, Jcster. I don't think you should move out just because your bf can't deal with it. I have friends who have male roomies and they are not sleeping with each other. So they say. Or are their male roomies gay?
bish Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Yes it does throw a guy off but does that mean she is easy? I know it totally blew my BF off the amount of guy friends I have but they are just that, friends. Uh...its more than that...she is living with another guy. Her bf has a right not to like it. But then again, maybe this bf can seize an opportunity here. She has alot of guy friends and lives with a guy....now he can get a female roommate and start hanging out with girl's pretty much exclusively. Hmmmmm.....I might be on to something here. I think this bf has a green light to do the same.
lino Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I think your bf is taking it overboard in assuming that YOU wanna have sex with all your guy friends or room mate. IMO he has reason to worry though. I say so because your guy friends and/or room mate may wanna have sex with you This is something neither him or you can be sure of because neither one of you are those guys. I used to have no problem with a girlfriend of mine having ALOT more guy friends than she does girlfriends but through experience I now know that such a girl has alot of these guy friends for a reason and for that reason I will never have a relationship with such a girl again Girls who dont get along well with other girls are nearly always bad news! My view isn't as extreme as yours but I generally agree. If a girl has no female friends and only male ones there's usually a good reason for it. I also wouldn't feel comfortable with a gf of mine having a male room mate. Only exception being if she was living with him before she met me.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Yes it does throw a guy off but does that mean she is easy? I know it totally blew my BF off the amount of guy friends I have but they are just that, friends. Then again, there are women out there who have a lot of guy friends and flirt with each and every one of them on top of having a BF of her own... that is obviously totally wrong. In other way, I see OP's BF being this way... could be because he is having the same thoughts of himself? You know how it is that when one is lying, they always think everyone else is lying as well... I don't know how to explain it but I was in sort of the same situation with my BF and he was questioning me a lot back then because he was lying to me about his situation.... It's a really simple test. Girls who have tons of guy friends usually say things like "I dont like the drama of other girls". Which usually means... I'm borderline crazy and other girls dont like me, because I always try to steal thier boyfriends... ect. Also, it is important to watch how they interact. The ones that flirt with every guy in the room. That reeks of low self esteem. LOL... I'm on an ice queen kick the last year or so! Can you tell?
Kamille Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I had a male roomie and a boyfriend and neither had any problems with it. This doesn't change the fact that you have to recognize that your boyfriend's insecurities are legitimate. I'm wondering if there are any extreneous factors which might explain his behavior? Someone asked what his relationship past was like. Was he ever cheated on? Did one of his parents cheat on the other? Is there anything specific that makes him think that you want to have sex with your guy friends? Do you make him feel special when they are around, or do you treat him like any of your friends? I feel like this is my new preaching point, but the most important thing to focus on right now is communication. If you can manage to open ways to communicate in positive terms about this, then half the battle is won. Try to understand where his insecurity comes from by talking with him about it. Ask him to offer solutions, you offer some too and try to find a compromise that you can both live with.
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Uh...its more than that...she is living with another guy. Her bf has a right not to like it. But then again, maybe this bf can seize an opportunity here. She has alot of guy friends and lives with a guy....now he can get a female roommate and start hanging out with girl's pretty much exclusively. Hmmmmm.....I might be on to something here. I think this bf has a green light to do the same. By all means, if I was in OP's situation - my BF can have a girl as a roomie. We can even be friends. I am not going to control my BF on who he can have or cannot have as a roomie or friends. Some people actually do respect and trust their BF/GF so it's no problem for some.
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 It's a really simple test. Girls who have tons of guy friends usually say things like "I dont like the drama of other girls". Which usually means... I'm borderline crazy and other girls dont like me, because I always try to steal thier boyfriends... ect. Also, it is important to watch how they interact. The ones that flirt with every guy in the room. That reeks of low self esteem. LOL... I'm on an ice queen kick the last year or so! Can you tell? Errgghh... I know that type of girls. I do have girl friends and the ones I have are cool and I do not flirt with their men! That would be crazy plus their men aren't my type.. Flirting with every man in the room - reeks low self esteem - you got that right, Cobra!
jcster Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 There's a difference between having a lot of male friends and not having any female friends. There are also a lot of reasons besides general craziness to have a lot of male friends. In my case, I was raised with brothers (no sisters) and didn't have a lot of girl neighbors - I'm used to guys and I enjoy hanging out with them. I also have female friends. I've had male roommates - and trust me - after living with a guy, you certainly do NOT want to sleep with them! I'm curious...do you have set ratios as to what is an acceptable level of male vs. female friends? I know some posters on this board don't have ANY friends of the opposite sex. Is this more normal? Truly? I find all of these rules and generalizations pretty amusing. I know it's a general human tendency to pigeonhole people, there's a tremendous urge to define everyone so that we're not surprised - but I've found that there is a broad range of human behavior that defies easy definition. If you want to break up with someone because they fit some sort of profile that you've created from one person's (your) personal experience, then that says more about you than them.
plainoldjared Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I put the impetus on the bf to change his deal. You were always living with a male roomate and had male friends right? Tell him he chose to date you and that you're not giving up your life for him. Giving up your friends is the first thing controlling men try to get you to do. His behavior sounds very much like he may be that kind of guy. If he is, he will act very methodically until he succeeds in isolating you. Be careful, niceandslow. Keep an eye out for warning signs. TRUE AND TRUE. This is signs of a controlling guy, and just like Kyrtie said "he will act very methodically until he succeeds in isolating you" I would never consider changing for someone that Im with just because they are untrusting of me. If Ive decided I want you to be my gf then thats who you are and thats how I treat you and only you. If they cant trust you they shouldnt be with you, and if you didnt do anything wrong and he still accuses you then he is most definitely trying to break you mentally and you should definitely question why he even thinks you would do something like this or he's got issues that he hasnt resolved and is not mentally stable enough to treat you like you deserve to be treated. I think I just answered my own question...
bish Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 By all means, if I was in OP's situation - my BF can have a girl as a roomie. We can even be friends. I am not going to control my BF on who he can have or cannot have as a roomie or friends. Some people actually do respect and trust their BF/GF so it's no problem for some. So by having concerns that your gf is living with another man, that means he doesn't respect her? Some would see it the other way around, its major disrespect to live with someone of the opposite sex and not care how your SO feels about it.
bish Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I've had male roommates - and trust me - after living with a guy, you certainly do NOT want to sleep with them! I hope you are not married then...unless you plan on living in separate residences.
bish Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 TRUE AND TRUE. This is signs of a controlling guy, and just like Kyrtie said "he will act very methodically until he succeeds in isolating you" Oh puuuhhhlease. If this was a man on here saying his gf was controlling because he had a female roommate, you'd be saying he doesn't respect his gf. Ya I know...you'd say I was wrong, but I don't believe it. I don't think there would be one woman out there that would be fine with their man living with another woman.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Errgghh... I know that type of girls. I do have girl friends and the ones I have are cool and I do not flirt with their men! That would be crazy plus their men aren't my type.. Flirting with every man in the room - reeks low self esteem - you got that right, Cobra! Exactly, I'm not sure what type OP is, but when a guy seems to randomly accuse his girl of cheating, or wanting to cheat. That usually tells me that he has massive control issues. That can be kind of scary really!
Lyssa Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 So by having concerns that your gf is living with another man, that means he doesn't respect her? Some would see it the other way around, its major disrespect to live with someone of the opposite sex and not care how your SO feels about it. Yeah yeah, bish. It's disrespectful. We get it. You live in your world, let me live in mine.
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