Separated, but with some weird twists.

[Nightwolf_58]

So I’m in the same situation a lot of you are I’m sure in that me and my wife for the time being are on a trial separation. We have been together for almost 5 years and married about a year and a half. I’m looking for advice on the twists that I have going on.

 

A little over a month ago I got the dreaded “I love you, but I’m in love with you anymore.” A little background, my wife has cheated on me twice and I took her back both times. She has a problem with alcohol in my opinion, which has cost her a job and almost her marriage with me. Her family just kind of laughs about her drinking, so they are of no help. Because of the cheating I had trust issues for the last year, and her going out and getting drunk just made things worse. I still love her though and want more then anything to take things slow and reconcile, even though I know the situation is grim and I don’t know if anything will strike a chord with her.

 

So we “separate “, but still live under the same roof because her parents don’t have her room ready yet. I try the buy flowers, get her cards, buy her stuff routine, but basically she asks me why I’m doing these things and that it’s not going to help the marriage and not change her mind. Well now she starts to go out almost ever night drinking. She also starts to not come home for 3 days sometimes saying that she is staying with a friend and that she is just too drunk to drive and doesn’t want to really come home anyway. Of course this upsets me, because I don’t know what she is doing and I also know that one of the guys she cheated on me with is going to theses places with her because they have mutual friends. So I thought that I would start counseling and try to get her to go by telling her that they counselor wants to talk to her about my problems, and not hers. So she goes, and basically the counselor just talks about her, and brings out that she has probably already left the marriage, moved on, and she just wants to be single. She cried during the meeting though because she knows that she is hurting me.

 

So I ask her what is going on and if she wants a divorce or separate or what? She says she isn’t doing anything and is not dating anyone. She needs to be separated from me to decide how she feels about me. So I tell her if she really cares about me like she says she does, that she won’t at least date anyone while we are separated. She says that she wishes that I would date someone to make sure that I really want to be with her, and that she isn’t looking for anyone, but if she happens to meet someone, that she will ask for a divorce from me, and not to wait around for her.

 

So for advice I go and talk to a lawyer about how long everything takes and my options. She just started a new job, but she would call me at lunch sometimes and she has asked for my help driving her to the job because parking is really bad and plus she wasn’t sure where to go. I try bringing up the options we have, but she said she doesn’t want to talk about it. She called my crying this weekend (drunk of course) and was afraid that I was going to be mad at her because she thought she lost the face plate to her CD player. I tell her I’m not and don’t worry about it.

 

I can’t figure out how to read my wife. She still “needs” me for things, and still cares if I get mad at her, and got mad when I recently went out with a girl who is just a friend. Are these signs that she still has feelings, or is she off in her own world, doing her own thing with not a care if she hurts me anymore? I don’t know if I should just get the divorce going or since she has only been moved out for a week, that I just give it time and see what happens since absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder. I’m so lost, and don’t know how to handle all this.

 

I apologize, I didn’t know that my story was going to be this long, but it feels good to get some of this out and to have such a great group of people here for 3rd party advice. I promise to try and give as many other people as I can advice as we all try and find ourselves. Thanks for listening.

[Ladyjane14]

Why is your WW (wayward wife) making all the decisions about YOUR life and YOUR future? You've apparently got an inebriated philanderer at the wheel, driving you off into a ditch.

 

Take control of your situation, man. You can't reason with unreasonable people.... and party girls aren't in any ways reasonable.

 

This business about how 'she wishes you would date' is all about making her feel better for her choices. Because if she can encourage YOU to roll in the mud with her, she's not rolling in it alone.

 

Seriously, if I were you, I'd go ahead and make things REAL for her. I'd put her bags out on the porch (figuratively speaking), and then I'd file for divorce. If she pulls her head out of her ass and cleans herself up before you've moved on... great. And if not, man have you EVER dodged the bullet.

You surely don't want to be doing this sh*t 10 and 20 years from now, and not with a bunch of kids involved.

[marlena]

I hardly ever tell anyone to walk away from a marriage or a relationship because I do not want to be responsible for another person's happiness/ unhappiness! Besides, it is not for me to say what works or doesn't work in a realtionship. Couples have their own personal codes and I simply don't believe anyone should interfere in affairs of such a personal nature.

 

However, I will make an exception here. I agree 100% with LJ. You should seriously consider divorce....really and truly sorry to say.

[Nightwolf_58]

Yeah, I've pretty much been told be everyone to divorce her and move on. I did take the first grim step and I'm going to the courthouse tomorrow (same courthouse we were married) and get together with a facilitater to help me get the right forms together and make sure I fill them out correctly. I really don't want to because deep in my heart I feel we could work this out. However, I need her to open her heart just a little, and I don't know if that will ever happen. What do people do when separated to get through each day not knowing what the other person is doing? I mean this is just tearing me up. I hate not having my wife next to me when I come home from work in the morning. Oh well, just have to wait and see. Thanks everyone.

[sumdude]

You have to start thinking about yourself first... Do things for yourself. Take extra good care of yourself, get good excercise, sleep etc.

 

It's a rough ride but you'll make it through .. why? ... You don't have a choice. She has already ended the marriage all that's left is the finanacial and legal part. So she's trying to keep the little parts of the marriage that are convenient for her while she does whatever she wants. So she leaves the dirty work up to you.

 

My freind, find your man sack... only thing to say. She's walking all over you and has lost respect for you. Find that righteous indignation you know you should be feeling. All that gifting, begging, hoping while she does what she does just makes you seem too wanting and needy .. hence not attractive to a woman. She's lost IT for you... usually once that happens there's almost no way to get IT back. Plus she sounds like the short term type ... hate to say..

 

Been there ... done that... really..

 

End it as soon as you can. The sooner you end it the quicker you can move on to the better part of your life wihout a person who has completely disrespected you and your marriage.

[Trimmer]

...deep in my heart I feel we could work this out.

Well, that's always true, but it requires intention and significant work on the part of both partners. And I think you probably see where I'm going with this...

 

However, I need her to open her heart just a little, and I don't know if that will ever happen.

If she really had a desire to work on the marriage, really intended to keep it alive, it seems like she would show some signs, beyond crying because she hurt you.... She doesn't really care too much that she is discarding your marriage: what does that tell you?

 

I agree with the others. It's "man up" time. She wants her freedom, I think you should oblige her. And to be really cheesy and paraphrase the widely respected contemporary philosopher Spiderman: "With freedom comes responsibility." (Sorry, that was bad, but just maybe we can put a grin on your face while we're here...) For your wife, life without you needs to be.... well... life without you.

 

And I agree, the whole "you should date" thing is almost certainly because then she could think of you as being complicit in the downfall of the marriage.

 

and that she isn’t looking for anyone, but if she happens to meet someone, that she will ask for a divorce from me, and not to wait around for her.

And do you feel as insulted by this as I would? So you are her condom - her protection that she can discard once she finds the right one to settle in with? (Or more likely, the "next" one...) That's like the kind of thing a woman says to a gay male friend: "If we're not both partnered up by 35 then we'll have a kid together, OK?"

 

I can’t figure out how to read my wife. She still “needs” me for things, and still cares if I get mad at her, and got mad when I recently went out with a girl who is just a friend.

Here's how you read that: she takes what she needs, and wants things her way without contributing any emotional effort or commitment from her end. Don't take my word; you tell me: does that sound about right?

 

Are these signs that she still has feelings, or is she off in her own world, doing her own thing with not a care if she hurts me anymore?

Oh, she probably cares, but it's probably all about the guilt she knows she should feel. Again, that's why she suggested you go date: then she could both be mad at you, and it would relieve her guilt over what she is doing, without her having to change her own behavior.

 

I don’t know if I should just get the divorce going or since she has only been moved out for a week, that I just give it time and see what happens since absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder.

I always think these two thought go together and pretty much cancel each other out: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder", or "out of sight, out of mind?" You won't find your peace in a bumper sticker. You need to start taking good care of yourself, physically and emotionally, take full responsibility for your life, and insist that she take full responsibility for hers. If she doesn't need you, then she can't need you, period. She's asked for her own life, it seems clear that you should give it to her.

 

Filing for divorce is the start of a complex process which can be stopped along the way. However, it may be a powerful help in getting yourself straightened up and pointed toward the future.

 

And if she does happen to come back - make sure it's not just out of fear of losing the safety blanket that allows her to be the party girl. She needs to admit she's got a problem, commit to alcohol treatment, commit to marriage counseling, and then, after she makes those commitments, then you decide whether you want to go forward.

 

I know it's hard not being the nice guy here - gifts, flowers, protecting her and providing for her, softening the sharp edges of the world for her. I know this from experience. But the sense of personal power you will feel once you turn forward, toward your future as an individual, and say: "This needs to be about ME..." well help you through it...

[Nightwolf_58]

Thank you Trimmer for disecting everything I said and really reading into it. It is exactly the advice I was looking for to open my eyes a lot more then they have been lately.

 

I think that I know that everything is pretty much over, and it's just a matter of getting the divorce, selling our house and going in different directions. I will still sit just for a while longer until I can actually talk to her and find out what is going on and what she is thinking. Then I will know what move to make. Thank you for all your advice again.