Post tips for getting them back here

[MattyTee]

You do realise you don't HAVE to read them don't you Sally? I mean, you are in the Second Chances forum, what exactly do you expect to see?

[niceguy27]

Not everyone has had things end with bad blood. I know that there are some people out there who really do need "time" or whatever to sort through their feelings. People like that operate on different time scales than others. Using some of these things posted on here in a SMART way are nothing more than tools to help with that process. Not manipulate or have false hope.

 

Yes there are many on here that SHOULDNT be with their ex but there are some who just CANT be with them due to outside circumstances...ie...not right timing, family issues, committment issues, etc. They;re just general tips to facilitate a reaction from the ex because the ex (dumper) is unable to express themselves properly in order to reconcile or make a decision.

[storm]

Sometimes people just think they can do better and have to break up in order to go out and search. Other times they can have commitment issues due to family problems growing up. Or many times they just need to grow up. Maybe they find better or maybe they settle for something less. It isn't always about bad blood between the two. Some people get the "grass is greener" complex and have to go and see for themselvse. A lot of guys tend to slack off in relationships like myself also. So many reasons.

 

It is kind of like how I am with cars. One day I decide I don't like my car anymore and go car shopping again. I buy the new car and a few years down the road I sometimes miss the old car. I've never been like this with girls but some have done it with me.

[Newtotheblogthing]

I am learning the hard way.. have made ALL the mistakes of LC. Now I am throwing my arms up in the air and today is day one of NC. He knows where I am at and if he wants to see me he can call me. I am done being pathetic.. again! I realize now the only way he MIGHT miss me is if I am not offering myself up on a silver platter. Why would he make the effort when I continually do all the work. Sure, I am here.. all the time, willing and available. Sad, sad, sad.

 

So, don't contact. My ex does the same thing.. I didn't pick up one day and he called my work line, "oh you're not talking to me now?" then when I press things and ask when we are getting together, he's vague.. I really don't know what's going to happen but I am playing it cool now. The other way wasn't working..

[MattyTee]

In the end I think there is nothing wrong with people seeming desperate. They have after all just been broken up with and want to see if things can work. They come somewhere like here looking for ways to 'win back' their ex. After a little while and some reading they'll realise that there is no way to 'win back' anyone - they'll only come back if they want to. However, in the meantime threads like these will help these people improve the parts of their lives that they can improve.

 

How do I know? I was one of those 'desperate' people only 2 / 3 months ago. After some time reading on here, some therapy and a damned lot of reading I realise the same thing that a lot of people say here - that you can only control your actions in life. If someone wants to come back (and you've let them know you would like that) then they will. If they don't, you can't make them!

 

If we spend our entire life living by the statistics of a situation what kind of people would we be? Love and life are about risk, sure there is a lot of pain out there just waiting to jump on you ... but you have to go with your heart and take a leap now and then. There is no rule that says people who break up never get back together.

[reboot]

In the end I think there is nothing wrong with people seeming desperate. They have after all just been broken up with and want to see if things can work. They come somewhere like here looking for ways to 'win back' their ex. After a little while and some reading they'll realise that there is no way to 'win back' anyone - they'll only come back if they want to. However, in the meantime threads like these will help these people improve the parts of their lives that they can improve.

 

How do I know? I was one of those 'desperate' people only 2 / 3 months ago. After some time reading on here, some therapy and a damned lot of reading I realise the same thing that a lot of people say here - that you can only control your actions in life. If someone wants to come back (and you've let them know you would like that) then they will. If they don't, you can't make them!

 

If we spend our entire life living by the statistics of a situation what kind of people would we be? Love and life are about risk, sure there is a lot of pain out there just waiting to jump on you ... but you have to go with your heart and take a leap now and then. There is no rule that says people who break up never get back together.

MattyTee,

 

You have made some very intelligent and insightful posts in this thread. I applaud you. You have come far.

 

I also agree that there's nothing wrong is offering hope to someone like this that is hurting. But.... I sense a little irritation from you with some of the things other people have said.

 

Surely you would agree that there's nothing wrong with preparing the OP for what the outcome is most likely going to be in these situations? Would you want to go the doctor, and him diagnose you with a terminal illness, and not tell you about it to spare your feelings?

[yippkiyay]

Maybe it would be better if the doctor gave the odds instead of just telling you you are going to die. I read someone post on this website that you have a .0001 chance of getting your ex back. Frankly I just don't agree with those odds. I've seen people get exes back before and so have I. it is just a grueling process, the odds are against you, you have to make all the right moves and keep you as priority one through it all and face the fact it may not happen. I do feel that allot of peole on this website give up or have a negative attitude because they are depressed or it didn't work out. It is my feeling that allot of people do not return here tell about the exes they got back. Do you report back to the hospital to tell all the patients about what ever you were cured of? You never want to go back there. I've come here for support because I'm paying $40,000 dollars for tuition and don't have the time or the money for counceling or support groups. Books have been helping too.

[MattyTee]

Hello Reboot,

 

Well I'm not sure how far I've come but it's certainly helped being here. You are right, I probably did come across as slightly irritated - been a long day at work...

 

I agree that in principal there is nothing wrong with preparing someone for the likely outcome, however, neither you nor I can tell what the outcome is going to be and although you can bandy around statistics I personally don't feel that is helpful. The most important message here is that the focus needs to change. People are in a desperate state and they, like me, at some point will realise what they can and can't do in relation to 'getting someone back' - i.e. they actually can't do anything. In the meantime I honestly don't think it helps posting a comment like Sally's (no offence Sally) - which had no real insight, other than to see it's not going to happen. In fact breaking up doesn't mean there is bad blood there at all and it doesn't mean people won't get back together. There are plenty of people here who will say that you will never get back together. I'm not saying they definitely will but isn't it a bit refreshing to think of it a little differently?

 

I think your analogy is a bit forced and besides, I'm not sparing anyone's feelings here. I'm simply telling the truth. People DO get back together, no matter how rare it is. My point was simply that you can't do anything to make it happen, right

[yippkiyay]

I like what you say Matty. and to add on to what I was saying before you have to change whatever negative things it is about yourself thouroughly inside and out. You hjave to understand why you are making these changes and why they will be beneficial to you with or without her or him. If you just change your actions for there sajke and don't have a genuine change of heart if you do get back with them you will revert back to your old ways. If not you can walk away with a clear consience you did all you can do

[reboot]

My point was simply that you can't do anything to make it happen, right

I wasn't arguing with your advice at all.

[MattyTee]

No Reboot, I appreciate that

Your compliment did make me smile, so thanks for that.

 

Sorry as I said long day - 15 hours at work tends to mess with your mind!

 

And Yipp - that's it! It's hard to keep it up though I just found out that my ex has met someone new. I thought I was strong enough to deal with that now but I'm feeling heartbroken all over again - stupid bloody internet Ah well, I guess another night of tears!

[Mustang Sally]

You do realise you don't HAVE to read them don't you Sally? I mean, you are in the Second Chances forum, what exactly do you expect to see?

Of course I do, Matty Tee.

And your point is well taken (and deserved, I admit ).

 

I guess my point was that I'm an old gal.

I've been around the block a few times by now.

And I've worn the shoes of trying desperately to get a "second chance" several times, as well.

 

Now (in my older, wiser years ) I realize that I was pushing it too hard with that, when I did it.

I should have just let it flow more, know what I mean?

 

One BF came back (NOT due to much of anything I foolishly said or did) and it was good again, for awhile...but the others (of the 3 that I tried to get back) didn't. And after a few months of what I thought was deep depression and a lot of ice cream consumed, I finally put my chin up, WOKE up, and got on with life. And am a better person for it, in the long run.

 

I guess I was just trying to give some old-lady perspective on things. That's all.

 

Peace and Carry on.

[MattyTee]

Well Sally, there was no offence meant and I hope none taken You could always let us know which flavour of ice cream

 

The thing is, I'm still 'young' in relationship terms and perhaps with a little time I'll be feeling exactly the same as you. I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong, in fact from reading what you've said now I think we're probably saying the same thing overall. Your comment about it flowing is a good one - I think that the key is being able to focus all that energy on yourself with the understanding it might go either way in the end. Just flow with it (as you say). I think I was just a bit ancy today after a long day at work and seeing a lot of posts saying "Move on, you deserve better" etc. There has to be a little optimism in the world

 

So, *hugs* and keep that perspective coming

 

 

Ironically my ex has just found a new partner I think - so perhaps I'll be joining the embittered crowd rather sooner than I hoped

[Newtotheblogthing]

I agree with the go with the flow. I have been trying to force it and it's getting me nowhere. He keeps telling me to relax, we'll see where it goes..I keep panicking when he doesn't act the way I want him to act. Why doesn't he want to get back together NOW!!! If I can relax about it, well I guess we will see.

 

I am also learning a little bit about what games I play, what problems I can work on and well.. like you said it might go either way and in the meantime I am going to focus my energy on me. Not what he's doing, not what he said.

 

He knows where I am at and if he wants to see me he can call. I think space is good right now. At least with some distance I can't do anything to hurt the chances..

[Trialbyfire]

Well Sally, there was no offence meant and I hope none taken You could always let us know which flavour of ice cream

 

The thing is, I'm still 'young' in relationship terms and perhaps with a little time I'll be feeling exactly the same as you. I'm not saying I'm right and you're wrong, in fact from reading what you've said now I think we're probably saying the same thing overall. Your comment about it flowing is a good one - I think that the key is being able to focus all that energy on yourself with the understanding it might go either way in the end. Just flow with it (as you say). I think I was just a bit ancy today after a long day at work and seeing a lot of posts saying "Move on, you deserve better" etc. There has to be a little optimism in the world

 

So, *hugs* and keep that perspective coming

 

 

Ironically my ex has just found a new partner I think - so perhaps I'll be joining the embittered crowd rather sooner than I hoped

I don't think you understand what people are trying to tell you when they say "Move on". It's actually far more positive a message, than holding on for dear life to something that's already gone. In moving on, you're not wasting time obsessing over something that might or might not be worthwhile. The sooner you move on, the sooner you find someone who is worthwhile and the less likely you will become embittered.

[yippkiyay]

Yeah go with the flow and Matty she probably found a rebound tough to live with but down the road may work to your advantage;)

[NorCalDave]

I am learning the hard way.. have made ALL the mistakes of LC. Now I am throwing my arms up in the air and today is day one of NC. He knows where I am at and if he wants to see me he can call me. I am done being pathetic.. again! I realize now the only way he MIGHT miss me is if I am not offering myself up on a silver platter. Why would he make the effort when I continually do all the work. Sure, I am here.. all the time, willing and available. Sad, sad, sad.

 

So, don't contact. My ex does the same thing.. I didn't pick up one day and he called my work line, "oh you're not talking to me now?" then when I press things and ask when we are getting together, he's vague.. I really don't know what's going to happen but I am playing it cool now. The other way wasn't working..

 

 

I went through the same thing. If the ex you want back is not responding to your LC and availability, you have to go into NC mode. This past week my ex and I reconnected after 2 months of NC. Because I still love the woman, I let her know that I'd like to be friends again and am here for her.

She told me in a nice way not to expect much.

So now I am back in NC mode.

It's the only way to go, the only way to make them miss you enough to want to re-appear in your life.

My ex and I have already been on this merry go round before, so I should probably just be giving up at this point, but I unfortunately still love her and want it to work somehow.

I know the only way she will want to re-appear in my life is if I am aloof and distant.

The fact that she saw me talking to an attractive older woman at the gym also helps my cause, because there was my ex, not 15 minutes later, tapping me on the arm with a big smile on her face, apologizing for being a bitch.

I highly doubt she would have come up to me if I was there by myself.

The fact that I was having a great flirty conversation with another woman definitely helped my cause and I recommend that for anyone looking to get their ex back.

Be aloof, don't be available, don't always return calls, and if you can, appear happy when you see them and if you can, engage in conversations with the opposite sex in front of them.

[yippkiyay]

See guys I ytold you talking to other girls in front of them works! It makes the ex remember the qualitysa that attracted them to you. Makes them take there mind off all the negatives they've been focusing on. Sucky part of human nayure but we have to work with the primitive parts of our human brains in these relationships as well.

[devastatedagain]

Don't even bother with the exes. Here is the problem I see. I watch these boards, add input when I feel like I have something to offer, and genuinely feel bad for those of us that sit on these boards night after night, looking for a friendly ear and for someone out there that understands. I love my ex-wife more than I love myself, there is no doubt about that, but here is what I am starting to realize.....

 

I see many individuals, male and female, working very hard to bring their lover back into their life, myself included. What I have begun to ponder is simply this........what the **** have any of our exes done? Those of us on these boards go to couseling, we seek God, we turn to others for information and support, if you are like me, you have browsed the internet for every "get my ex back" site there is out there, may have even purchased a couple online books that insist they will give you these "magic words" to say to your ex to bring them back....all of which are utter bull****. I will tell you what they have done - they have hurt good people, people that truly care about them. They go out with other people, screw other individuals, they go out and have a blast while we all sit here and mope. About a month ago, my ex wife and I started having contact again. Even after 6 months, she still completely blames me for our downfall and has justified all of her actions by virtue of the "fact" that it is "my fault." She has done nothing but point a finger at me, even after all of this time and personally, I am getting tired of it. I have a wish....that everyone of us on these boards finds happiness and comes to the conclusion that our exes do not deserve to be with us, myself included. I am sorry for the rant everyone, but I am starting to get sick of seeing good people get hurt that don't deserve it......we all deserve someone that truly cares about us.

[underpants]

*palms to face*

 

Why do you want to chase after someone who only shows attraction when you treat them badly or act distant?

 

Think about who you are investing your heart and emotions in, not just the high of winning. How much of yourself are you willing to sell out to win the temporary affections of someone who you ...confuse.

 

Good luck with the drama go' round fellows.

 

Your carnival prize awaits. I hope it does not give you a tummy ache.

[yippkiyay]

OK underpants interesting input. although I'm not looking to grab someone who takes me for granted or will treat me badly. There is an ebb and flow in all rrelationships. MOst of the time we were equally into each other. And at one point she was more into me then I was, at another point I was more into her, extenuating circumstancers complicated things for me and I didn't know how to handle the relationship so I made a mistake. Then I spent weeks smothering her to try and fix it and it drove her away. I just want to find common ground with her thats all.

[MattyTee]

I don't think you understand what people are trying to tell you when they say "Move on". It's actually far more positive a message, than holding on for dear life to something that's already gone. In moving on, you're not wasting time obsessing over something that might or might not be worthwhile. The sooner you move on, the sooner you find someone who is worthwhile and the less likely you will become embittered.

 

Well you are entitled to your opinion as much as anyone. I completely understand what people say when they say to me 'move on' - I'm just not interested in doing it that way. I'm probably one of the least bitter people here That last line was a little joke.

 

Just because I don't agree with your method of doing things doesn't mean I'm wrong. I'm doing much better now than I was 2 weeks ago and in 2 weeks I'll be doing much better again. I'm not obsessing over anything, I'm spending most of my time working hard on myself Trial and it's going very well thank you Just because I still want to be with her doesn't mean I'm not able to be pro-active in my life. I'm learning to be happy with myself and I don't need 'someone who is worthwhile' to fill any gaps thank you very much.

[MattyTee]

Le Sigh.

 

All I've been saying is that the important thing after the break-up is to realise that you have no control over the situation. There are games you can play and sometimes maybe that will confuse someone into being with you again ... but if you look back at my post you'll see that I disagree with that process. There's no point, once they realise what is going on they'll leave again.

 

The only thing you have control over after a break-up is how you act. You can't (and shouldn't) control your emotions - if you are angry thump a pillow, if you are sad, cry. You can't control someone else or make them want to be with you. So, as I said the focus needs to change from the relationship back onto yourself. Now, that can take many forms depending on who you are. Using myself as an example I looked back at my relationship and noticed that there were aspects of my own part in it that I didn't like. I signed up for counseling, I bought some self-help books, I came on here and I talked to friends and family. I felt every emotion that came to me, I never bottled anything up. Probably 90% of my focus is now on me. Not in 'moving on' in the sense that everyone else seems to be talking about but instead in growing up and bettering myself ... for me!

 

In regards to relationships - no one here can categorically say that A and B will never be together. I agree that obsessing over something is unhealthy which is why I talk about the focus a person has. I don't think it hurts to have hope that things reconcile and if it does, so what? At some point in growing and changing that feeling may change. You can't force it, it will come when it comes.

 

What I learnt from this site above anything else was that I had to look after myself. In doing so I have found my life a lot easier. Do I still want to be with my ex? Absolutely. Why? Because I love her and believe we had a deep connection. Will it take work? Absolutely. I'm not afraid of having to work a little. Before we broke up I thought that it was enough to be in love. Now I know that's not the case. Could I move on and find someone else? Sure ... but that relationship would take work as well. I'm not looking for someone to fill some sort of role as a partner in life, someone who will take me as I am, faults and all. I realise now that some of my behaviours are unacceptable and need to change. So I'm changing them. The 'realistic' side of me knows very well that I may never be with my ex again. I've accepted that. Right now I don't need or want someone else in my life. That may change in the future, it may not. It doesn't really matter - in the end all that matters is that I act in a responsible, honest and caring manner and start giving myself some love (no, not the physical kind).

 

I just want people to remember that the exes are people too. They have feelings, they make mistakes, they get angry etc. We all do ... we're human!! Also, remember that you can't 'know' what they are doing. They may well have taken up counseling, they might be praying, they might be reading. Who knows. It doesn't matter in the end, you can only control your own actions.

 

Rant off ...

[Trialbyfire]

Well you are entitled to your opinion as much as anyone. I completely understand what people say when they say to me 'move on' - I'm just not interested in doing it that way. I'm probably one of the least bitter people here That last line was a little joke.

 

Just because I don't agree with your method of doing things doesn't mean I'm wrong. I'm doing much better now than I was 2 weeks ago and in 2 weeks I'll be doing much better again. I'm not obsessing over anything, I'm spending most of my time working hard on myself Trial and it's going very well thank you Just because I still want to be with her doesn't mean I'm not able to be pro-active in my life. I'm learning to be happy with myself and I don't need 'someone who is worthwhile' to fill any gaps thank you very much.

I would hope that finding someone who's worthwhile, isn't a rebound situation. Someone worthwhile would be wasted on someone who can't move on.

[MattyTee]

*grin* I think we're just not going to agree, but that's okay.