Is she trying to manipulate me or is she genuinly hurt?

[plainoldjared]

Im so confused, she lied to me and she is telling me that she is tired of my behaviour. I really havent done anything wrong, she lied and Ive just been asking why she lied. My friends say that she is trying to manipulate me but that doesnt make any sense. Manipulate me into doing what? Thinking what? Why would she tell me that she loves me but is tired of me? That just makes me think that she still wants to be with me, but the way she is treating me makes me feel like I am a burden and shes over it. What does she want me to do? Ive talked to her and told her that I havent done anything wrong...

[SouthernT]

ummm...you're gonna have to give a lot more information than that. She lied about what? And she is tired of what?

[plainoldjared]

She lied about where she was on sunday last week (we were supposed to go out) she made me wait till saturday of the following week to talk to her about why she lied and she ended up cancelling on me because she had gone out late the night before and was too tired to talk.

 

She said she was tired of me working all the time, which doesnt make any sense because she knew that I had just completed my 7day a week 14 hours a day project and just started my new project. Thats what Ive been arguing, how does the fact that I was working too much make any difference if Ive already completed that project?

 

So thats what Im confused about, I love her and my friends say that Im not seeing that shes playing with me because of that. I dont understand

[norajane]

Emotional manipulation: You say you're upset that she lied, and she turns it around on you to make it seem as though YOU are at fault because she's been under such great stress and trauma because you've been working a lot and she's tired of that.

 

And it's working - you're all confused and wish you could fix things and you're worried about your relationship and you're wondering if she still loves you...

 

...and in the meantime, she still LIED to you, and she's neither accepting responsibility, nor offering an explanation, nor apologizing. Nor is she telling you what she actually did that day and with whom.

 

See? Manipulating your emotions so you feel defensive about your behavior even though she's the one who lied to you. It works because you love her and don't want to let her go. Otherwise, you'd tell her to sing her sad song to someone else and you'd walk away unless she explains her lie and apologizes. Instead, you stay and hope she still loves you.

[plainoldjared]

Emotional manipulation: You say you're upset that she lied, and she turns it around on you to make it seem as though YOU are at fault because she's been under such great stress and trauma because you've been working a lot and she's tired of that.

 

And it's working - you're all confused and wish you could fix things and you're worried about your relationship and you're wondering if she still loves you...

 

...and in the meantime, she still LIED to you, and she's neither accepting responsibility, nor offering an explanation, nor apologizing. Nor is she telling you what she actually did that day and with whom.

 

See? Manipulating your emotions so you feel defensive about your behavior even though she's the one who lied to you. It works because you love her and don't want to let her go. Otherwise, you'd tell her to sing her sad song to someone else and you'd walk away unless she explains her lie and apologizes. Instead, you stay and hope she still loves you.

 

She sent me a stupid message saying Hi last night, I wasnt going to respond but I couldnt help it so I wrote a very long message and deleted it and rewrote it and finally all I said was Hi back and she didnt respond to me at all, so I said Hi again this morning (NOW I FEEL LIKE A DUMB***) and again no response. As much as this is depressing me and hurting I know that I just need to cut contact but its so hard because we were together for so long and we were friends before that and Ive never and I mean NEVER taken anyone serious before. I just dont understand why she would do this. Are all women in their 20's like this? Im not serious but it did cross my mind, Im having a really hard time with this...

[mattea]

so she's never explained to you why she lied? you two haven't talked about it?

 

i think she owes you and explanation about that. what do you think about telling her you want to talk about what happened and what's going wrong?

 

maybe she's having a hard time being understanding about how busy you were/are and maybe "retaliating" by blowing you off? if so, that is a bit lame and manipulative. but that's just a guess! you two need to talk.

[plainoldjared]

so she's never explained to you why she lied? you two haven't talked about it?

 

i think she owes you and explanation about that. what do you think about telling her you want to talk about what happened and what's going wrong?

 

maybe she's having a hard time being understanding about how busy you were/are and maybe "retaliating" by blowing you off? if so, that is a bit lame and manipulative. but that's just a guess! you two need to talk.

 

Well, thats the thing. After she lied to me I told her that I wanted to talk and have her explain why she lied. She told me she couldnt talk until Saturday then she called me on Saturday to tell me she was too tired from the night before to see me so I said "thats a stupid excuse, I just want to know why you lied to me" all she said was that she had no reason to lie it was just a stupid decision. So then I thought, maybe shes just trying to break up with me but shes afraid of hurting me so shes trying to get me to break up with her. I told her if shes tired of me thats fine but dont use excuses that dont even apply anymore. Thats when she tells me that she loves me but is tired of me.. WHAT IS GOING ON?

 

Whatever is really going on I dont think I will ever know, I cant just accept an excuse like "I made a bad decision" because I cant trust her now and the worst thing is that I love her and I cant stop thinking about her... Everyone keeps saying that I just need to have sex with another girl, but I dont want to I just want to know what I did that was so terrible and I dont think that Im ever going to know.

[mattea]

hey again p.o.j.,

 

it sounds like either she doesn't know what they hell is going on with her or she's unwilling to admit it to you. either way, it sucks for you because you're in the dark! so she sent you a message just saying "hi"? does she just want to pretend that what happened with her lying didn't happen and avoid talking about it?

 

can you give us more background? how long have you been together? is this the first time she did something like this? what issues have you before this one? has your being busy been a big source of contention/fights before? have you two had good communication in the past when something is bothering one of you?

[plainoldjared]

hey again p.o.j.,

 

it sounds like either she doesn't know what they hell is going on with her or she's unwilling to admit it to you. either way, it sucks for you because you're in the dark! so she sent you a message just saying "hi"? does she just want to pretend that what happened with her lying didn't happen and avoid talking about it?

 

can you give us more background? how long have you been together? is this the first time she did something like this? what issues have you before this one? has your being busy been a big source of contention/fights before? have you two had good communication in the past when something is bothering one of you?

 

thats how I feel, like shes avoiding telling me why she lied so shes bringing up this issues that dont even matter.

 

we've known eachother for 8 yrs and dated for the last 3. Ive always liked her from the beginning but at 18 she thought I was too young (shes 3 years older). we stopped talking for 2 yrs and i ended up running into her 3 years ago, when i was 21, at a salsa club (we both love to dance) and we hit it off and started dating. when we started dating she told me she had a sugar daddy (i know i know) and I told her that if she was interested in me then the daddy would be absolutely cut out of the picture. he was.

 

14 months ago i got a great job with a great company (im an engineer) and my first assigned project required that i work 7 days a week 14hrs a day for the last 6 months of its schedule. that job is over and i am now on a regular 5 days a week 8 hours a day project. so for a month ive been working WAY WAY less. she goes to school tue-sat so the best time for us is the weekend, which is fine by me because when she graduates we will both have a lot more time. sometimes a weekend would go by and we wouldnt see each other and so she went out with her girls all the time to night clubs because dancing is our thing. during all of this we talk on the phone regularly and text eachother every day and so on. she would complain every now and then about only seeing each other on the weekends but i would remind her that my project was almost over and that would be the end of that.

 

well a month ago i started having a lot more free time, like i said before, and i would always want to hang out but she would have school work or she had already made plans with her friends. that was all fine, i understand that she got used to going out with them all the time. then a week ago we planned to hang out and thats when this all started. she lied to me about where she was (could be the first time could be the hundreth) and she made me wait a week to talk and then she cancelled.

[paddypencil]

i was with my boyfriend for 4 years,he was the only ever guy i slept with,i contracted an std, he admitted evrything.he had been using internet dating sites,cheating on me with the town s***,slagging me off to my sisters fiance,i didn't hate him, i felt bad for him so i tried calling him&he blamed everything on me an said he was sick of it,i was the one that didn't trust him etc,my advice to you is DONT LISTEN,

[paddypencil]

i was with my boyfriend for 4 years,he was the only ever guy i slept with,i contracted an std, he admitted evrything.he had been using internet dating sites,cheating on me with the town s***,slagging me off to my sisters fiance,i didn't hate him, i felt bad for him so i tried calling him&he blamed everything on me an said he was sick of it,i was the one that didn't trust him etc,my advice to you is DONT LISTEN, ou'll make yourself worse in the long run..chin up,keep happy&your friends are only lookin out for you,they know what she's like&they only want the best for you..pity i didn't listen to my friends

[Enema]

Do you know the guy she slept with that weekend?

[mattea]

congrats on the job! sounds like quite a long 6 (or more?) months of working an insane schedule, but you made it through!

 

i didn't jump to the conclusion that she slept with someone that other weekend. i mean, *something* is up and who knows what because she won't do you the courtesy of telling you!?!

 

were you fighting all along this time when you were working 7 days a week? i mean, was it a constant issue that was coming up and causing distance or resentment because you couldn't see each other? did you/she feel like you were really growing apart during that time? it doesn't really sound like it, but i'm just wondering.

 

i'm sure it would be a strain on a relationship if a partner was working 7 days a week for 14 hours a day, but i'd think it would be tolerable if you knew it was coming to an end after a certain amount of time and you just had to make it through for that long. especially since you were in daily contact and still did mostly see each other on the weekends. were you pretty happy and spending a lot more time together before then? and communicating when there were issues?

 

i think it's pretty mature of you to understand that she might be used to a different lifestyle after that time of you being so busy.

 

i'm pretty confused! i doesn't sound like you are having a relationship anymore if she just stopped talking to you (when you used to talk daily) and now won't tell you why. aren't you going a little nuts wondering if you're even still together? have you not talked since saturday when she called to say she was "too tired", except for saying "hi"? sheez, you deserve to know what is going on! do you want to push her on it - like call or email and tell her you need to know what's going on and need to know the "status" of your relationship?

[norajane]

I think she found someone else to hang out with while you were working - another guy. And that's why she won't tell you why she lied. She doesn't want to tell you she lied to hide her date with the other guy.

 

I could be wrong, of course. But it does seem to fit as an explanation, and even works with the 'I made a bad decision' comment. Only her bad decision was to cheat on you, not just her lie about where she was that weekend.

[plainoldjared]

congrats on the job! sounds like quite a long 6 (or more?) months of working an insane schedule, but you made it through!

 

i didn't jump to the conclusion that she slept with someone that other weekend. i mean, *something* is up and who knows what because she won't do you the courtesy of telling you!?!

 

were you fighting all along this time when you were working 7 days a week? i mean, was it a constant issue that was coming up and causing distance or resentment because you couldn't see each other? did you/she feel like you were really growing apart during that time? it doesn't really sound like it, but i'm just wondering.

 

i'm sure it would be a strain on a relationship if a partner was working 7 days a week for 14 hours a day, but i'd think it would be tolerable if you knew it was coming to an end after a certain amount of time and you just had to make it through for that long. especially since you were in daily contact and still did mostly see each other on the weekends. were you pretty happy and spending a lot more time together before then? and communicating when there were issues?

 

i think it's pretty mature of you to understand that she might be used to a different lifestyle after that time of you being so busy.

 

i'm pretty confused! i doesn't sound like you are having a relationship anymore if she just stopped talking to you (when you used to talk daily) and now won't tell you why. aren't you going a little nuts wondering if you're even still together? have you not talked since saturday when she called to say she was "too tired", except for saying "hi"? sheez, you deserve to know what is going on! do you want to push her on it - like call or email and tell her you need to know what's going on and need to know the "status" of your relationship?

 

THANKS! it was tough but well worth it. we werent fighting about my work schedule, i mean she would pout and be extra sensitive at times but i made sure to always, and i mean ALWAYS, let her know that i was thinking of her and that i was so anxious for the project to be over so that we could start having our weekends back. before this project she was still in school (she goes nights) so either way the weekend was always best. we had a great relationship going out dancing or spending weekends in bed watching movies everything was going great. i never got the feeling that we were drifting. i knew she hated that i would be too tired to go out sometimes but i was conscious of her needs so i would only ask to stay in if i was absolutely too exhausted. i figured that this would be ok because she goes dancing at least 2 times a week with her girls anyway. i wanted to propose when she graduated (november 10th this year) i dont want to even imagine that she slept with someone else or has been

i love her so much i never wanted to be that type of person that dismissed her feelings just because it made me feel guilty. i was very open with her and made it clear that i understood that she and her girls need their friend time but i also wanted her to make me feel important, and to bring me along if it wasnt a special girls night out. im glad that she has her friends to turn to when shes bored

i'm pretty frickin confused too! besides the "hi" she called me yesterday and i waited about an hour before i called her because i didnt want her to think i was waiting around pathetically. i should have put my pride aside but oh well, too late. she asked if i still wanted to go to a halloween party we had planned on about a month ago. she acted as if nothing was wrong, i said sure i do but i still want to talk to you about sunday. she said she did something she was embarrassed to tell me about, a drug. i was shocked but i dont know why i think shes lying, then she changed the subject to the party again. i told her that i wasnt ok with talking about this over the phone and that i still wanted to talk so we should do it saturday before the halloween party. she sent me a text saying sorry she lied lets try again and i promise not to lie again, i told her again, i dont want to talk about this over phone or text i want to talk in person and then she said that she doesnt like having to give the same explanation more than once and that if i was going to act like this then we should just be friends. i said ok if its that easy for you to decided to just be my friend obviously youve been thinking it. she responded "stop jared"

so my chest hurts and i have a sick feeling in my stomach and i cant talk to her because shes tired of hearing it! WTF

[norajane]

She doesn't want you questioning her, because there's more she doesn't want to tell you. She wants to hide something more.

 

She did a drug...with who? what did they do together?

 

If she won't tell you the complete truth without dragging it out of her after she lied, maybe she's not the person you would like to have a relationship with. People who lie tend to make it a habit, especially if they're hiding something to protect themselves from consequences.

[Ali4134]

Communication is one of the absolute biggest parts of a relationship. Once communication disappears, love goes with it. Distance happens and then it becomes a relationship of conveinience and obligation. You're right I'm betting she's been thinking about not being together for a while. I'm certain she loves you and cares about you, but she probably isn't IN love with you. People don't act that way when they are in love. And I don't know how you feel, only you can know that, but be open to the fact that because you've been together so long you might not be in love. You love her yes, but you are young(so am i) and at the very least be apart and see what else there is and if you two find you miss each other and get back together, then it was meant to be. If not, you just have to know that she's not IT. But you will find someone remarkable, whether it be her or not. You sound like a really great guy, you'll have no problem finding someone who's heart will beat for you and only you. Just don't give up and read the hints she's giving you.

[plainoldjared]

She doesn't want you questioning her, because there's more she doesn't want to tell you. She wants to hide something more.

 

She did a drug...with who? what did they do together?

 

If she won't tell you the complete truth without dragging it out of her after she lied, maybe she's not the person you would like to have a relationship with. People who lie tend to make it a habit, especially if they're hiding something to protect themselves from consequences.

 

this has all gotten so dramatic and confusing. she said that one of her friends brought some guy and he gave them the disco eyes (drug) shes totally ignoring my needs and shes refusing to own up to what shes done because in her head she already said sorry, well damn you! thats not good enough, i want details. which is why im so hurt, shes always included me in everything. she'd even tell me what she wore or how she danced and how she had to puke, you get it. i cant pretend it never happened because ive never felt this kind of awkwardness and unsettledness.

 

sheesh, i feel like an emotional sap. i guess our relationship wasnt as great to her as it was for me...

[Ali4134]

Having a relationship with uneven feelings sucks. I know. I would go to the end of the world and back for this one guy and sometimes I don't think he'd go to the end of the block for me.

[plainoldjared]

Communication is one of the absolute biggest parts of a relationship. Once communication disappears, love goes with it. Distance happens and then it becomes a relationship of conveinience and obligation. You're right I'm betting she's been thinking about not being together for a while. I'm certain she loves you and cares about you, but she probably isn't IN love with you. People don't act that way when they are in love. And I don't know how you feel, only you can know that, but be open to the fact that because you've been together so long you might not be in love. You love her yes, but you are young(so am i) and at the very least be apart and see what else there is and if you two find you miss each other and get back together, then it was meant to be. If not, you just have to know that she's not IT. But you will find someone remarkable, whether it be her or not. You sound like a really great guy, you'll have no problem finding someone who's heart will beat for you and only you. Just don't give up and read the hints she's giving you.

 

Ali, thanks for this response, I was sort of thinking this but you put it out so clear. I do need time apart from her, Im paranoid and unhappy and hurt and PO'd that shes treating me like Im a complainer. I am so in love that I bent over backwards to please her and maybe thats how it went from love to comfort for her. I am a good guy though, I care about my health my success and people, I really felt like she was in love with me...

 

Having a relationship with uneven feelings sucks. I know. I would go to the end of the world and back for this one guy and sometimes I don't think he'd go to the end of the block for me.

 

Again, same here, Ive listened to her cry about anything from getting a bad hair cut to being so stressed that she wants to just lock herself up in her room. In part I messed up, I made it easy for her to get what she wanted all she had to do was make a baby face, which I just cant resist because its so damn adorable, and I put her on a pedestal and she knows that I am completely in love and maybe it was easy for her because I was so busy all the time that when I started working less and having more time my wanting to be with her made her realize that she liked her weekend bf better.

 

I feel like she doesnt get why Im so hurt, or she's pretending to not understand... it feels like everything around me is sad, even the radio is playing sad songs... Feist, Intuition good song...

[Ali4134]

Yeah, I hear ya. My situation isn't exactally the same, but the feelings seem the same. He tells me he loves me, but I don't know if I can trust that. I feel so invisible, except when he wants something of course. And what sucks is he knows i'll do anything he asks. I try to act like i won't, but i'm sure he sees through it.

[plainoldjared]

Yeah, I hear ya. My situation isn't exactally the same, but the feelings seem the same. He tells me he loves me, but I don't know if I can trust that. I feel so invisible, except when he wants something of course. And what sucks is he knows i'll do anything he asks. I try to act like i won't, but i'm sure he sees through it.

 

Exactly, she knows I'll do anything for her. Im going to leave her alone, I think I've done everything I can to fix this and she hasnt done anything at all so its in her hands now.

[Ali4134]

good, it's what you need to do. Unfortunately, I'm pretty hopeless and still have no idea what to do. If you want most of the story you'll have to see my thread, that well, I don't really think anyone has read it or cares...lol.

[mattea]

i'm sorry she's acting that way and won't even communicate with you and own up to whatever it is she's done that's no way for you to be treated!

 

i'm a bit pissed on your behalf. how would she feel if you just cancelled plans on her one day, lied about what you were doing that day, and then wouldn't fill her in on the details? "sorry" isn't enough. you deserve to know the truth!

 

i think it makes total sense to let her know that you don't want to go forward with the relationship if she won't talk about this and come clean with what happened, if that is the way you feel. how can you just go running off to a halloween party and pretend none of this ever happened?

[plainoldjared]

i'm sorry she's acting that way and won't even communicate with you and own up to whatever it is she's done that's no way for you to be treated!

 

i'm a bit pissed on your behalf. how would she feel if you just cancelled plans on her one day, lied about what you were doing that day, and then wouldn't fill her in on the details? "sorry" isn't enough. you deserve to know the truth!

 

i think it makes total sense to let her know that you don't want to go forward with the relationship if she won't talk about this and come clean with what happened, if that is the way you feel. how can you just go running off to a halloween party and pretend none of this ever happened?

 

EXACTLY!!! Im so angry, I went from heartbroken and confused to PO'd and confused. Shes acting so crazy! And shes treating me like Im the crazy one, which is making me feel crazy. Im going to stop talking to her and if she contacts me I dont care how much it annoys her and I dont care that it'll be the 8th time I asked, I want to know what happened SUNDAY.

 

I love her but I dont need to be played with I let my guard down with her, I, for the first time, opened my eyes and mind to the idea of marriage and a family. I was going to propose Nov 10th on her graduation and this couldnt have happened at a better time. Are women afraid of commitment too? Ive never heard of this I always thought it was men, but maybe she got scared that I wanted to spend more time with her now that I was working less and she'd been living it up while I was working that she got used to it.