i told my bestfriend to stay with her bf for the money until she can leave him...

[gerrygirl]

My best friend confided in me that she is disgusted with her boyfriend, she can't stand being around him, but she doesn't have the money to leave. They have been together for 4 years, he's rich, so she isn't working. I know how she feels because I was in a similar situation a year ago. Fortunately, i had a trust-fund that i could access for emergencies, otherwise i have no idea what i would have done. sadly, she is FLAT-BROKE, he is her provider. I basically told her that she needed to stay with him until she had enough money to leave him and be financially comfortable, and also, I told her not to mention ANYTHING to him. Now i feel bad because she is a christian, and her morals are more about honesty, but in order to survive she needs to live a lie until she has enough money to leave him. He's a real hot head and would without a doubt cut her off if she left him, so their is no room for compromise btwn them. I can't imagine my poor friend living in a woman's shelter or worse, (btw--she has nobody that can help her, and i live in another state). I'm so worried about her now. She calls me everyday crying, but I keep telling her that she has to make some money and pile it up, otherwise, she'll be f**d. Is their any other alternative? Or will this emotionally ruin her? It's going to be a good year until she'll be able to leave and be ok on her own. Ug. Help, advice??

[sb129]

If she isn't working, then she has no commitments in HER state, so tell her to pack up her stuff and move to yours for a while.

 

Living a lie is obviously bad for her, and it will DEVASTATE her BF if he finds out. How will she get enough money to leave him? Take it from him?

 

know how she feels because I was in a similar situation a year ago. Fortunately, i had a trust-fund that i could access for emergencies, otherwise i have no idea what i would have done

 

 

Get a job perhaps? Maybe your friend could do the same?

[bish]

Does she have a job? Or is she one of those people who don't want to work?

[sb129]

Does she have a job? Or is she one of those people who don't want to work?

 

 

No she doesn't have a job. I don't think the OP does either.

 

I am not sure why, perhaps the OP will enlighten us.

[Mustang Sally]

Well, personally, I don't cotton to people who would prefer to sit around, mooching off of others instead of carrying their own weight.

 

So I can't condone that kind of behaviour, or the advice that you gave.

 

I would, instead, advise her to put on her big-girl panties and WOMAN UP to the situation - get out if she doesn't like him, and take CARE of HERSELF.

[gerrygirl]

She isn't lazy or anything, but she has been with him for 4 or 5 years and it was one of those fairy tale, "i'll take care of you forever" things, plus they are supposed to get married. anyway, they traveled a lot and he just wanted her around and didn't want her working. well now she's 5 years out of college and only worked a little since then, meanwhile he's turned into a complete jerk that controls her and isn't abusive, but just wants things his way constantly. she's all the way in ny and i'm in california, she has family there, but she can't move in with them (long story). so really she doesn't want to move near me, she wants to stay in ny where she has a social circle. the rent there is insane and she just doesn't have anywhere to go. to top it off she will have trouble finding a job since she is so long out of work and ny is such a competitive market.

[Mustang Sally]

She isn't lazy or anything, but she has been with him for 4 or 5 years and it was one of those fairy tale, "i'll take care of you forever" things, plus they are supposed to get married. anyway, they traveled a lot and he just wanted her around and didn't want her working. well now she's 5 years out of college and only worked a little since then, meanwhile he's turned into a complete jerk that controls her and isn't abusive, but just wants things his way constantly. she's all the way in ny and i'm in california, she has family there, but she can't move in with them (long story). so really she doesn't want to move near me, she wants to stay in ny where she has a social circle. the rent there is insane and she just doesn't have anywhere to go. to top it off she will have trouble finding a job since she is so long out of work and ny is such a competitive market.

Yeah.

Well, that's the kind of trouble one can get into when they let someone else "take care of them." Someone sooner or later starts expecting things...oh the nerve!

 

Newsflash: There is no such thing as a free lunch.

 

My advice still stands.

[sb129]

Well for heavens sake, this is the REAL world ladies. You didn't say whether you have a job, or do you live off the trustfund?

 

She IS lazy if she happily let him "take care of her forever", and now has no means to get herself out of this situation.

What a waste of a college place.

 

Its not like she was bringing up their children in that time. No wonder he wants his way if he is PAYING for it all.

 

Boo f-ing hoo re: wanting to stay in NY where she has a social circle- how come none of them can help her out?

 

Why doesn't she just guts it out and marry him, then divorce him for 50%? Then she could stay around her social circle and STILL wouldn't have to get a job.

 

Really. How pathetic. Some people bust their asses to get somewhere, and others expect everything handed to them on a plate.

 

You make your bed, you lie in it. In this situation, definitely.

[sb129]

Yeah.

Well, that's the kind of trouble one can get into when they let someone else "take care of them." Someone sooner or later starts expecting things...oh the nerve!

 

Newsflash: There is no such thing as a free lunch.

 

My advice still stands.

 

Bingo.

 

I would have more sympathy if she at least TRIED to get a job. She has a college degree, she isn't completely unemployable.

Competitive or not, you don't get anywhere without trying.

Probably cant bear the thought of starting at the bottom of the ladder getting paid less than the "social circle" would approve of.

 

This reminds me of that Craigslist poster, remember, the gold digger?.

[blind_otter]

Well I'm not going to be jealous and come down hard on you, or your friend. I was in that position once, married with a husband who didn't want me to work. When it came time to get out of the marriage, I had to rely on others like friends and family to help me out. It was a very depressing time in my life.

 

I'd say, get a job. Start saving. It won't take long with all expenses paid by the boyfriend. THen get out.

[sedgwick]

Straight up: if she's not disabled, she needs to get out and get a job. I feel sorry for her boyfriend. It would absolutely devastate me if someone stayed with me just for my money.

 

If you want out, you can get out. Simple as that. If she wants it enough she'll do what everybody else does and get a job.

[sb129]

Well I'm not going to be jealous and come down hard on you, or your friend. I was in that position once, married with a husband who didn't want me to work. When it came time to get out of the marriage, I had to rely on others like friends and family to help me out. It was a very depressing time in my life.

 

I'd say, get a job. Start saving. It won't take long with all expenses paid by the boyfriend. THen get out.

 

 

I agree she needs to get a job.

 

I hope you don't think I am jealous!! I can't fathom being in a R where the male wouldn't want you to work- I would simply not find that attractive in a man.

 

I am not the kind of person who could not work for no reason, I value my education and skills too much, and they cost me too much money to not use them!

 

Working teaches you so many things, and being self sufficient is THE biggest favour I have done myself ever.

 

I know I will never have to rely on anyone else for money, and that has been very very important to me since I was a teenager.

 

Each to their own, but women have so much more opportunity available to them than ever before, and a woman who is college educated but wasting her education by living off a man goes against everything that women have fought so hard to achieve over the last 150years.

 

BlindOtter, do you mind me asking why your H didn't want you to work?

[sb129]

And also- if I was in that situation, the deception would stress me out way way too much. I couldn't pretend like everything was normal, while secretly ferreting away HIS money so I could escape him.

 

I wouldn't be able to maintain that kind of charade. I am not a very good liar.

[Mustang Sally]

Well I'm not going to be jealous and come down hard on you, or your friend.

Just for the record...

 

It's not jealousy on my part.

 

Just a personal work-ethic I have.

 

Similarly to SB, I have worked had to acquire my training and skills, so I wouldn't quit work, even if I could. Plus, as I have stated, I have always felt that I should be able to provide for myself, not depend on a BF or H to do it...who knows what will happen tomorrow? I have to keep the bacon on the table for myself and my kids.

 

Now, if she was a SAHM, that'd be another story...that's more than a full-time job, even if not recognized by the labor laws...

[blind_otter]

BlindOtter, do you mind me asking why your H didn't want you to work?

 

He was controlling. Also, very traditional. I became ill halfway through our short marriage and he insisted I stay at home.

[gerrygirl]

Well I'm not going to be jealous and come down hard on you, or your friend. I was in that position once, married with a husband who didn't want me to work. When it came time to get out of the marriage, I had to rely on others like friends and family to help me out. It was a very depressing time in my life.

 

I'd say, get a job. Start saving. It won't take long with all expenses paid by the boyfriend. THen get out.

 

 

Thanks, i knew i wasn't insane, i don't understand these answers! I'm NOT rich, i had a trust-fund that was intended for a wedding/a house, blah blah, and instead i needed it in an emergency, and now a chunk is blown. I have a job, but it's impossible to live on your own in california. Anyway, She has nothing!.. She didn't want to not work, but he's in politics and they traveled constantly, and it was nearly impossible for her to hold a job. It was his lifestyle, he said he loved her, and god, she was young... it was a dream she had with him that she believed him. who knew he'd become a prick, i didn't.

[Lizzie60]

She isn't lazy or anything, but she has been with him for 4 or 5 years and it was one of those fairy tale, "i'll take care of you forever" things, plus they are supposed to get married. anyway, they traveled a lot and he just wanted her around and didn't want her working. well now she's 5 years out of college and only worked a little since then, meanwhile he's turned into a complete jerk that controls her and isn't abusive, but just wants things his way constantly. she's all the way in ny and i'm in california, she has family there, but she can't move in with them (long story). so really she doesn't want to move near me, she wants to stay in ny where she has a social circle. the rent there is insane and she just doesn't have anywhere to go. to top it off she will have trouble finding a job since she is so long out of work and ny is such a competitive market.

 

He's always been controlling...from day 1.. so no surprise there..right? Now what is the difference, 5 years later? My advice... she needs to get a job and leave him if he's so abusive.

 

I was 5 years with my last ex.. with who I had numerous arguments and some fights about me working... He wanted me to stay home and take care of him.. be at his side all the time... He was a successful businessman... very controlling, I could understand, he had a big crew... but I wasn't one of them... I was his SO... and I was independant.. I never (except for one year) been out of work.

 

Women need to stop relying on men to 'take care of them'... we have our own identity... we do not belong to anyone... therefore we have to take care of ourselves...

 

No relationships are guaranteed and last forever.. we have to put that in our head...

 

OK.. I sound like I'm giving you a lecture.. LOL.. it's not your fault.. I understand you want to help her... but she got to help herself first and get a job and get back on her feet as an independant, strong woman... If she needs to work as a cashier or flipping burger then so be it... she can always live 'room and board' for a while.

[sb129]

Great post Lizzie, thank you.

 

 

Now, if she was a SAHM, that'd be another story...that's more than a full-time job, even if not recognized by the labor laws...

 

Absolutely agree with that.

 

He was controlling. Also, very traditional. I became ill halfway through our short marriage and he insisted I stay at home.

 

Sorry to hear about that. Your situation is a little different from the OPs one though, you must admit.

[LakesideDream]

Hmmm.... let's review. Moved in with a rich man, wanted a "great lifestyle", does not have a "regular" job, does not even "like" her sugar daddy,

 

Now is continuing to live, and have sex with him until she can steal enough money to move away (locally) and maintain her social network.

 

LS'ers, this sounds a lot like prostitution to me, yes, no? In life we need to balance the F***in were getting with the F***in were getting.

[Enema]

He's a real hot head and would without a doubt cut her off if she left him.

 

OMG HE'S SO UNREASONABLE!

[norajane]

Anyway, She has nothing!.. She didn't want to not work, but he's in politics and they traveled constantly, and it was nearly impossible for her to hold a job.

 

She must have met a lot of people in the five years she's been with him. Perhaps she could contact some of them and ask if they have any starting positions in their political offices.

 

She needs a job. She needs to get herself out of the 'taken care of' lifestyle to which she's become accustomed and learn how to be the adult she needs to be. She needs to learn how to make a budget, how to save money, how to pay bills and rent every month, and how to be responsible for herself.

 

He's not married to her, and he's been footing the bill this whole time, so he owes her nothing when she leaves. She could have left him at any point if she didn't like how she was being treated. She could have gotten a job at any point in time if she'd really wanted one. It was her choice to stay, and now she needs to deal with the consequences in a mature way. Continuing to sponge off him, hiding her distaste for him in order to get more money out of him before she leaves him...is that the kind of adult woman she wants to be...helpless and deceptive?

 

NY is just as expensive as California - tell her to find a roommate, or someone who is looking for a roommate for their apartment. There are plenty of universities in NY, which means there are apartments near those universities where grad students her age might be looking to share a place with someone. She can find postings on craigslist.com or posted near the universities.

 

I'm sure over the 5 years she's been with him, he's given her plenty of gifts and clothes and whatnot, and expensive ones at that. Tell her to sell those designer handbags on eBay and use that for a security deposit on an apartment after she finds a job and has a steady income to pay her rent.

[Citizen Erased]

Tell her to marry him, divorce him a year later and take all his money. Isn't that what weak silly women do?

[amaysngrace]

I have a feeling that if she were to get a job everything would change. She'd probably be cut off from his generosity. And she'd have very little to save by the time the paycheck came.

 

Call it a hunch.

 

She'd have to make serious money. Can she bartend? NY bartenders do well.

[Enema]

Well she's already having sex with a man she hates for his money...

 

take it one step sideways and bingo, she's found a job!

[hopeforlove243]

Somehow I don't have much sympathies for your girlfriend. I myself came to this country when I was in my 20s with very little cash, I worked hard to get my degree, to get a job, I might not have the man I love in my life, but at least I am independent and doing well financially. Never exchange your love and body for money.

I feel sorry for her man, because that is one of the reason my ex-bf said that he doesn't want to get married again, cause his ex-wife took half of the money they have, and he thinks most of women are gold diggers.