lexi29 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I've been in no contact with my ex (dated 3 yrs, friends for six) for almost a week. Left me 3 weeks ago. were supposed to never speak again (his idea not mine) but he called me last wed. and told me he'd been thinking about me a lot lately and said I can see his son if I want to) His son is 8 yrs old, I've been in his life since he was 2yrs old. My ex has full custody, he only sees his mom one weekend a month (court ordered). I was very close to his son. He's always liked me and for the last two years he's adored me (he tells me he loves me when I leave and he doesn't say this to anyone else except for his dad). I was like a favorite aunt to him. My ex told me that no woman he'd been with had ever treated his son so well. I always made sure to include him in everything and took him on special trips- just the two of us so he'd feel special. I helped him with homework every night, took him to the park, bought him school clothes, would bring over his favorite movies to watch, I would get down on the floor and play games with him or hide and seek all the time. I'd make him his favorite foods (weirdly enough most were my favorite foods too). My ex said no woman he'd ever dated had accepted his son the way that I had and that was one of the reasons he loved me so much. his son has had a difficult life- his mother hates my ex (they were never married or even together after their son was born). She abandoned him when he was a year old (brought him to my ex's house and asked if he'd watch him and never came back) For two years she stayed out of his life and then one day came back and took him away. My ex went to court to get custody since he was used to having his son around all the time and the judge gave him joint custody and he could only see him on weekends. Well after a year of that (when I started dating him) the boy's mother got a new boyfriend, decided she didn't want to raise a kid anymore and 'gave" him back to my ex. She refused to have anything to do with her son for the next year. Maybe saw him twice that year. My ex got tired of this so he went to court and got full custody. His son's mom refused to show up to court and admitted over the phone to the judge that she wasn't even sure how old their son was and that she'd only seen him twice in the past year. When the judge asked why she said she just didn't have time to take care of him (she doesn't even work) So my ex got full custody. Anyway I love the little guy, he always wanted me to spend the night with them, help him with his homework, take him to the park etc. He would lay on the bed and watch movies with me and he'd always put his arm around me and I'd put my arm around him and if we were sitting on the couch he'd always sit on my lap. Not even two weeks before my ex left me, I picked his son up from his grandmas and took him to the park to suprise him. he loved it!! He spent the next week telling anyone who would listen that Lexi took him to the park. I've been there for every birthday, every christmas, for the last six years. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him. I"ve never dated anyone with kids before, never really been around young kids before him. The last time I saw him we were sitting on the floor (I was still with my bf then) playing with these magnetic lego toys trying to build things. At the end of the night my bf walked me to my car and his son said "ok group hug" cause we'd all three hug good bye in a big pile. That was the ritual. My bf would kiss me and then his son. One time when I took him to a carnival by myself we spent the whole day together and at the end when I brought him home he clung to me and cried because he didn't want me to leave him. He wanted me to take him home with me. That was odd because he is VERY attached to his dad. My dilema is this- I have the opportunity to be in his son's life again. My ex said I can see him. The rules I set up are that we meet in neutral place (like the store down the road from his apartment) and that he just drops his son off to me (he and I don't really talk) and when we are done for the day I will drop him off the same way. I would still take him to his favorite places like we used to go or let him come over to my house. I should point out he has an "aunt" who isn't related to him but is a friend of his mother's that knew him since he was a baby. My ex never dated her (she is only 22) but he's let her take his son for weekends once in awhile and a week every summer. so I would sort of be like his "aunt". I miss him dearly and I don't want to be just another woman who abandoned him (like his mom). I know this is his dad's fault and his dad is probably hurting him by ripping me out of the picture and immediately replacing me with someone else (and she has a 2 yr old daughter he'll have to compete for attention with) and that its not my fault. But I wish I could still have a relationship with him (the 8 yr old) and I would in no way use him to get closer to his dad again. That is just wrong and wouldn't put the little guy through that. I want what is best for HIM though. Would it be a bad idea to take him somewhere he likes to go maybe once a month? Or to tell him if he wants to see me he can call me and we'll go to one of his favorite spots? I don't want to confuse him and I'll make it clear that even though I"m not in his dad's life (he wanted us to get married so I"d be his 2nd mom is what he'd say) that he and I are still friends. Up until 3 weeks ago (when my ex left me) I was in his life EVERY single day. I would pick him up from school, make him dinner, help with homework, play games every day etc. It went from seeing him every day to NOTHING. Is seeing the little guy again a bad idea? Will it make him more confused? will it help him? I wouldn't see him every week or anything, more like once a month, at holidays etc.
sedgwick Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 You are way too close to the breakup right now. Take some time off. Give yourself a month or two of strict NC and then reevaluate. If you would like to send a card to his son saying hello, letting him know you're thinking of him, I think that would be fine. It's his dad's job to explain to him what's going on. Email is too immediate a form of communication, but a card would allow you to let him know you're thinking of him and still maintain the distance you need to heal. One more thing...I feel bad saying this, because I know how much you're hurting, but could you consolidate your threads a bit? I know the tendency to say the same thing over and over after a breakup is intense, but it helps me keep people's stories straight if they condense threads.
sb129 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Hey... I broke up with someone last year who had a son. I was with his dad when he was born (work that one out!!) and he was 14months when we split up. That was the worst worst part of the breakup. I still think about him sometimes, he was starting to say my name, which was so cute, and he would come to me for cuddles, and I was an important adult in his life. But- he was so young, he won't remember me anymore, which is good for him I guess, he still has two loving parents, and I don't want anything to do with his dad. Sad, but I have no rights to him, he isn't my child, he is part of a chapter that is best kept closed. I know how you feel though.
Author lexi29 Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 I know no contact is probably best. And I know its up to my ex to explain why I left. But don't you think it would be confusing to an 8yr old (don't have kids so I don't know) that someone (female) is a part of his life for six years and around every day for the last 3 years and then one day with no warning that person is just gone and immediately another (female) is there taking her place and spending every day with him? I mean my ex didn't even slowly introduce the new woman to him. His son met her the same day I did (about 3 months ago) and never saw her again until she started coming over every single day (once my ex broke up with me) I mean it was like one day I was there and three days later the new girl is there in my place. She has a 2 yr old daughter and I honestly don't know if she brings her daughter with her (i'm assuming) or if she leaves her at her grandmother's house when she spends the night with my ex. I mean is it tacky of her (as a parent- should she know better?) to immediately start spending the night with my ex and his son? I mean I know its what my ex wants but is it bad for his son? Does it make it even harder on the little guy if I still try to be part of his life? (as in seeing him maybe once a month or so like his aunt does?) or would it be easier for him to just let go and forget me and be able to be close with his dad's new woman? As much as I hate my ex that he's hurt me I don't want to do anything to hurt his son. I love him and want what's best for him.
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