Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Could you please elaborate how he doesn't take your shyt? what shyt?
Cobra_X30 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Took a long time. THere are still little flashes sometimes, but the wonderful wonderboy has helped alot. However, i have said this before, and sorry for repeating myself, but WB and I wouldn't be as happy as we are if i hadn't been totally Ok with being single, and happy with myself. Exactly. You need to be ok with yourself first!
Cobra_X30 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 She always claimed she was indeoendent. Shes lived on her own since she was 18. So is she an independant women? or an abused child with commitment issues? Anymore insights from anybody? What was the longest period she had ever been single?
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Hmmmm. thats a good question I know she had her first boyfriend from highschool that was three years I think two of them were after graduation. I'm not sure what she did in between then and the abusive guy but its been two years since that
lindya Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Being nice to her and chasing her doesn’t necessarily cause her concern but the attempt at controlling her, checking up on her is sure to give her the idea that you are clingy and insecure. Not a good thing. From the entirety of the post I’d say that she really likes you, would like to continue on. It’s just that things didn’t work out. If, for whatever reason, you ever do get back together with her, don’t expect her to be different. And you’d also have to be more forgiving, more tolerant of her behavior. It’s your choice, if she’s worth it or not. I agree with this. I'd also say that if she is insecure, and if she's aware of how insecure she is, then it's very likely that when she gets involved with guys she'll either accuse them of being clingy - or she'll be over clingy herself. It's really hard to get a happy medium with people like that, because they're so used to bad relationships that they almost can't seem to help recreating those troublesome dynamics in every relationship they have. I had a relationship with someone like that, who had serious issues. It lasted on and off for a long time, but it took huge efforts, tolerance and analysis on my part. Lots of tears in private and a cheerful face for him. I was rewarded for this by being treated very well by him during the "on" phases of the relationship (most of the off phases would be caused by him either going AWOL or me reaching my tolerance limit - but I'd always go back, like an addict). He'd continually congratulate me on how "well balanced" I was, how good for him I was etc etc, and I'd feel very pleased with myself about all this. It totally fed into my need to be some sort of rescuer. Until he finally got bored and started looking for a more exciting (read Drama Queen) partner. I won't bore you with how it ended, but suffice to say it made me realise how pointless it is to waste time and effort on someone who doesn't want to be healthy. Who might pay lip service to the notion of getting their sh*t together - but basically takes great pride in, and constantly nurtures, their screwed up aspects as being the things that make them glamorous and interesting. There are less painful ways of aqcuiring wisdom than getting involved with someone who's f*cked up - and it's for a therapist to sort someone like that out, not a partner. I'd add that someone like that might congratulate you on being their "rock"...but there's a strong chance that the only kind of person they'll truly regard as being a true soul mate will be someone who has similar issues to them. Stay involved with this girl and you might find yourself acting in dysfunctional ways because on some level that's what she seems to need from you. Look at the way, for instance, that you've been acting in a way that sounds uncharacteristically controlling. On some level are you feeling that that's what she wants from you? It probably is, but is that who you want to be?
sb129 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Could you please elaborate how he doesn't take your shyt? what shyt? Oh, I can be demanding sometimes, and I can be selfish (years of self preservation I guess). and our current living situation drives me nuts (living in shared house for cheap rent so we can afford to buy somewhere) And every now and then when my little insecurity issues threatened to come back (mostly when we were in LDR, we live together now). When these things happen, he tells me to "pull my head in" and not forget the bigger picture, which is that he loves me, and we have got it pretty good. I don't think I was ready to meet him till I did though. Too soon, and I wouldn't have appreciated him and his down to earth, no BS attitude. I think your ex- girl IS independent to a point, however, she has commitment AND security issues that you can't fix. She has to do that all by herself.
sb129 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 how pointless it is to waste time and effort on someone who doesn't want to be healthy. Who might pay lip service to the notion of getting their sh*t together - but basically takes great pride in, and constantly nurtures, their screwed up aspects as being the things that make them glamorous and interesting.Oh this is so true. My ex spent so long pointing the finger at me for being screwed up, he didn't ever look at himself. He HATED it when I started to get better, because he couldn't get away with all his controlling possessive "I will fix you" BS anymore. I called him on it, it ended... thank goodness.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 She didn't want me to be controlling. As amatter a fact any small hint of me being controlling and she would freak. Lets remember though where this all started. I was unsure about dating her because of the friendship i thought i had on the line. This is why I became so demanding and had expectations to soon and felt i needed to know everything now wheres it going? whats she doig? Is she a good person?. She thinks its cause I became obsessded. Then i tryed to fix things after that by smothering her for weeks then i cracked. Well she thinks I was being needy. i can't talk logically about this stuff with her because she only acts with her feelings. Sometimes I feel like shes letting me put the problems we had entirely on my shoulders. Is that fair? do I deserve that?
lindya Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 She didn't want me to be controlling. As amatter a fact any small hint of me being controlling and she would freak. Maybe she enjoys freaking? In which case, she'd "need" you to give her some excuse to freak out. It boils down to whether or not you want a relationship that has a lot of drama in it - because with this girl, who has a habit of freaking out, drama is what you'll get. On some level that can be addictive, and it's a challenge...but ultimately how is it likely to leave you feeling? Is it going to make you happy?
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 In a way maybe i did think she wanted me to be controlling. because her ex was. after that i did think she wanted me to smother. because her ex didn't. I think she left because she didn't want anymore drama in her life. I never wanted to create drama. I just wanted things to go smooth. did i create the drama or her?
Curious139 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 There is a lot of very good advice in this thread. It is bewildering how one person can touch us even in a short time and I understand your wish not to give up too easily. I honestly do not think she is ready for a stable committed relationship even if you are. There is a sense that she is using you, relying on you for emotional support. That's fine if it works both ways and you function as a couple. However I don't get the impression that you became a couple - at least not from her point of view. You are entitled to be treated with respect - and she has not done that. Lies, half-truths, manipulation of your feelings for her, none of that is good. A sucessful relationship is based upon trust and honesty. My advice is to take care of yourself. Build up your self-esteem and self-respect and you will feel much better. NC also helps you to heal hard as it is. I think you already know this and have learned a lot through this experience. Best wishes.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 do you think maybe I'm being to hard on myself and she is not taking any responsibilty for what she did to contribute to this? Is she just loving having all the blame on me so she can sleep at night and put me out of her head?
amaysngrace Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I think her head isn't thinking at all to tell you the truth. I don't think she even understands that everything she's been through makes her who she is now...a big mess. But I don't think she sees inward. Probably because it's too painful to deal with. So she adapts a blas`e attitude about it all. Acts like she doesn't care. It'd be hard to get close to her. It'd be hard to understand her. Because she hasn't even figured out who she is yet. No I don't think she thinks. For now all she does is feel and goes with things depending on how they make her feel. Has she ever been to counseling for the abuse? And does she do anything else that's self-destructive besides sleeping around?
Gunny376 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 You asked me to check out your thread? I did, but mostly just the first page and your initial post! This little gal's got more "red-flags" than the Soviet's did on May Day in Red Square back when they were running Russia. She's got issues! She's got "Mommy and Daddy" issues! She's got self-esteem issues! She's got confidence issues (Yes~ She's "frontin' you! Wearing a mask ~ for all the world to see, but underneath that mask is a another person ~ a person your azz doesn't want to invest years and years of time, effort, and energy with) She's got "ex-boyfriend" issues She's got trust issues. To top all that off? She''s in her late twenties ~ which means as a woman she's starting to "peak" sexually. Which along with all of her insecurties issues, means she's a prime canidate for cheating on you ~ and then blaming it all on you. You've obviously have been around the dating and mating game ~ and you've got a game ~ although there is much more to learn ~ so don't go resting on your laurels just yet. The amount of time, effort, energy ~ and yes money that you would invest into this "one" would net you ten or more others that truly appreciate what you've got to offer. My question here is? What is she "bringing to the party" besides a body and a pretty face? "Odddles" ~ WTF? She makes you feel good about yourself? There's no shortage of women that can do that job! True Love? Give me a break! The ONE! Please! True! There are people that are "special" to certain people ~ once in a lifetime type deal! This isn't the one! Too much drama! Too many issues! She's got too many problems, too much history. Take your happy azz down to the nursing home ~ stoll through the mall, WalMart ~ check out all the old women. THAT my friend is what your eventually destined to end up with! IF your lucky to live so long! God willing! So you best be looking for someone that in your old age is your best friend. Who'll help you through the hard times, the bad times, to help you and who will hold your hand on your death-bed and help you get through the last days of your life. And not abandon you. Its quality not quantinty! Its like I told my son! When he graduated from HS? Back in the day? Before a man could even think about finding a wife? He had to get through school (or as much shooling as he could afford) and then go out and learn a trade. He had to become good at it ~ master it! To master something ~ generally takes about ten good years! Even then? He had to prove and earn his reputation. As being a dependable ~ reliable hand. Puntucal, dependable, reliable! Someone that had his act together AND knew what he was talking about! Even that wasn't enough? He had to demonstrate that he could support a wife and a family! Because if he didn't? She was going to move back in with Mama and Daddy ~ and bring more mouths to feed and clothe with them! You need to become established in you job ~ your career! You need to find yourself a "lot" of land, and build a house like you want and need it ~ and then furnish it the way you want and need it! Buy all your "toys" the sport's car, the motorcycle, the ATV's the Skeedoo's etc. You got all of that? You want have any problem finding yourself a wife! But? Still that's not enough. You've got to "Date Your Mate!" What it took to get her? Is what it takes to keep her! Guys get sloopy about this once they get married! The wife is like? "You use to take me out on romantic evenings, wine and dine me, and say sweet nothing's into my ear!" Guy's are like: "Yea that's why I did all that! So I wouldn't have to do it anymore!" This gal doesn't need you? She needs a pyschologist! "Run Forrest! Run!"
DH27 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 For the future, you need to be more cool in these situations. Its hard not to let yourself get the best of you with anxieties, but you can't smother her. Its the worst thing you can do to make yourself unattractive. I know its so hard not to though, because you want to always be with them, always see them, always talk to them. And you can't be nosy at all. Stop worrying about texts, stop worrying about what she is doing with another. You need to be cool, and relax. As far as what to do now? I'm not sure really. How strong is your foundation with her? Like, if you go NC for a while, do you think she will contact you?
Author yippkiyay Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 To answer armay- No I don't think is very self destructive, can be a bit of a drinker on the weekends i guess. The counceling she did recieve was for depression. Her ex sent her to the counselor and had her put on antidepressants. So now I think she is anti help because it reminds her of him. She sees it as another form he used to control her. to answer gunny- I guess it was her personality yes shes hot but she was fun and quirky and differnt, never met someone like this one. i thought it was interesting you mentioned her sexual prime as a candidate to cheat on me. is that how i should think of all women her age? what if i marry a girl at 23 and then she turns 28? I guess maybe she didn't want anything serious? when we first started dating i thought maybe she did. I thought she wanted somebody to treat her good. the opposite of her ex. to answer DH- I'm not sure if she would call. thats one of the main reasons i'm here. From reading the story what do you think. I held back nothing.
DH27 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Well...what I would do then is wait for the weekend, and then give her a call asking if she wants to go get a bite to eat, or some coffee. Something simple and innocent like that. There you can get a good idea of how things are going by how well it goes. While on this don't bring up this situation you guys are having at all. Just have fun with her, show her a good time. The more you bring up this situation the more it will drive her away. Remember, the more you push, the more she will pull away. Don't smother, be easy going, laid back.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 OK I'lll give it a shot have u tried this?
DH27 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Yeah, something short and innocent like this is good for reestablishing contact. After this though, don't make contact for another 3 or 4 days and then see if she wants to do something else. Like I said though. NEVER bring up the situation unless she does. You want to make it seem like you aren't worrying about it. Always play it cool, be fun, exciting, someone she wants to be with. There is always the chance that she will say that she is busy, but this is bull. If she wanted to see you she would make time for an hours worth of food or coffee. Its not that hard. How long has it been since you have seen her? Or since she has made contact with you?
Author yippkiyay Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 She says that her ex was nice to her buut just cheated on her all the time. so maybe his abuse isn't as severe as I made it out to be. But he could be pretty rotten to her. i've seen it. some days she says he was a jerk and some she wouldn't. I guess you could say he was abusive in the way that henry hill was to his wife in goodfellas. They would have these crazy fights were he would kick her out or she ould leave allot. She said she never wants to date a controlling person with fighting again. She saw me as potential for that. Thats so frustratiing. But these other guys shes dated recently don't care what she does when shes not around them. Seems convenient for her but is that a good thing? Was I supposed to just not give a crap?
Ladyjane14 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I don't think you're going to especially like what I've got to say about this... but remember, you did ask. This girl has problems. But apparently... so do you. Your love for her seems to be a bit obsessive. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say there's some "knight-in-shining-armor-itis" at work here, a need to be needed. And even though you don't see yourself as being "controlling" per se, you ARE trying to control the outcome of this relationship, looking for methods to "get her back" and all that. It's VERY obvious that this girl isn't interested in tying herself down right now. She's single. She can do that. But it's equally obvious that you're trying to lock her into an exclusive relationship where she's accountable to you. The two of you are at cross-purposes it would seem. Further, I just don't think she's as 'into' you as you are into her. All that said, I think your best bet for continuing the relationship in ANY capacity... is to go back to square one and start from the beginning. Go back to being her FRIEND. Have you ever seen that movie When Harry Met Sally? Harry is Sally's friend first and foremost. She can talk to him about anything without judgment and pressure... then they sleep together before they're both on the same page romantically and after that confusion and chaos ensues. In order for the romantic relationship to blossom into something that's long-lasting, you BOTH have to be "on the same page". And I just don't think you are. My advice... go back to the beginning. No games. No agenda. No jealousy. Just be her "Harry", her best friend. Be happy for her when life is going her way. Be a shoulder for her when it isn't. Let her do the same for you. If it eventually leads to more... great. And if not, then you can still enjoy the friendship as you each explore other options. Sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear. But based on your posts, I don't think you two have enough to really build on yet. It could be that there will NEVER be more between you. She seems to have responded to you best before your relationship became intense, and it could be that that's all she wants from you. The future reveals itself in time and none of us know what it will bring. A good foundation for burgeoning romance is nothing to sneeze at though, so if you back off, go back to the basics, and just enjoy your time together without pushing for more... maybe love will grow. Stranger things have happened.
DH27 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I read your story man, sorry if I can't remember every detail. That was a lot to take in in just one night.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 ok cool i sent the email on friday she responded on friday. i was just on AIM. her away message today is "sigh" i don't think she has found bliss without me as she has left similar away messages a few times over the past few weeks.
Gunny376 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I don't think you're going to especially like what I've got to say about this... but remember, you did ask. This girl has problems. But apparently... so do you. Your love for her seems to be a bit obsessive. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say there's some "knight-in-shining-armor-itis" at work here, a need to be needed. And even though you don't see yourself as being "controlling" per se, you ARE trying to control the outcome of this relationship, looking for methods to "get her back" and all that. It's VERY obvious that this girl isn't interested in tying herself down right now. She's single. She can do that. But it's equally obvious that you're trying to lock her into an exclusive relationship where she's accountable to you. The two of you are at cross-purposes it would seem. Further, I just don't think she's as 'into' you as you are into her. All that said, I think your best bet for continuing the relationship in ANY capacity... is to go back to square one and start from the beginning. Go back to being her FRIEND. Have you ever seen that movie When Harry Met Sally? Harry is Sally's friend first and foremost. She can talk to him about anything without judgment and pressure... then they sleep together before they're both on the same page romantically and after that confusion and chaos ensues. In order for the romantic relationship to blossom into something that's long-lasting, you BOTH have to be "on the same page". And I just don't think you are. My advice... go back to the beginning. No games. No agenda. No jealousy. Just be her "Harry", her best friend. Be happy for her when life is going her way. Be a shoulder for her when it isn't. Let her do the same for you. If it eventually leads to more... great. And if not, then you can still enjoy the friendship as you each explore other options. Sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear. But based on your posts, I don't think you two have enough to really build on yet. It could be that there will NEVER be more between you. She seems to have responded to you best before your relationship became intense, and it could be that that's all she wants from you. The future reveals itself in time and none of us know what it will bring. A good foundation for burgeoning romance is nothing to sneeze at though, so if you back off, go back to the basics, and just enjoy your time together without pushing for more... maybe love will grow. Stranger things have happened. I agree with LJ ~ but I still think she needs to get into IC and deal with her "issues". And no! Just because most women "peak" in their late twenties to early thirties sexually ~ doesn't make them all "cheaters" nor promiscuious to the extreme. There are other factors that come in to play ~ such as morals, ethics, belief systems, the way they were raised, faithfullness, fidelity, self-control, self-discipline. Interesting observation? She only seems interested when she has to chase after you and you're not chasing after her? Men "score" when they become physically intimate with a woman, women "score" when they've got some guys heart in thier hand!
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