lexi29 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 its only been 3 weeks since he left but he has someone new already. Not sure if she is a rebound or the real thing (he cheated on her already, know this for a fact) We were together for 3 yrs, friends for six. I've gone thru all the motions- got rid of his stuff, been in no contact (except for him calling me once) I thought I was getting better but then I just start the grieving process all over again. I tried making a list of the bad things about him, came up with a whole page! I know I"m better off. Tried hanging out with friends- but going to my friend's housewarming party- he just moved in with his girlfriend- or my best friend's "showing off her wedding pictures and telling us about her honeymoon in Hawaii" party did nothing to cheer me up. In fact, now I feel more hopeless than ever. No one that I am friends with is single and the only support they can offer is "you're better off without him" while they are happily in secure relationships. I know they mean well, but being around my friends actually makes me miss my ex even more! I'm afraid because I've never been thru a break up that hurts this badly. This was my third serious relationship and I left a longer relationship (5 yrs and we were engaged) and it didn't hurt this much. Yet, I was the one to leave him. The last time I was left by someone was when I was 16 (29 now) and he was one of my first loves. He was the sweetest, most romantic, kind guy I've ever dated (to this day) and he made me feel like a princess. We only dated for six months (and never slept together, only kissed) but that was the longest relationship I'd ever had at that time) When he left me it was similiar to this most recent ex- he left and hinted several times that he wanted me back, but then a month after he left me, he started dating someone new. Three months after he left me he was engaged (he was 19). I wanted him back in the worst way. Thought I couldn't live without him. Was devastated. (kind of how I feel now) I couldn't wait for him to get married so I would know he was off limits and there was no chance he'd ever come back to me. Well two days before he was supposed to get married he was killed in a car accident. Now for sure, I knew he was never coming back. I was only 17 years old. I grieved for him for YEARS. Compared every guy I dated for the next five years to him. Now I'm not saying I want my current ex to die or anything. but its just hard getting thru each day wondering if I'm going to get over him. I mean I don't want to pine away for him for years but he was a HUGE part of my life. I was very attached to him and his son and for me, the last 3 months or so of our relationship- everything was great. Was like it was in the beginning when you always want to see the other person, you have great sex, you talk all the time, you grow closer. I thought we were in that stage- I was so happy, he was encouraging me to become even closer to his son (his son always told me he loved me even though he never said that to anyone else except his dad) It was damn near perfect or so he led me to believe. And then he just pulled the rug out from under me. Decided in the course of a week that 1) his son hated me, 2) I wasn't around enough (was at his house every day) 3)that he wanted someone new He had ME- who adored his son, loved him, did all kinds of nice things for them, was the best sex he'd ever had (his words, not mine), all his friends thought I was hot/nice, we could talk about anything, he even talked about getting engaged two weeks before he left me. Then all of a sudden he just changed his mind. Left me for this girl we both knew (one of his exes from years ago) who is in a custody battle for her daughter with an ex that wants to hurt her, she has depression (she called me up twice last month because she was suicidal), she looks nothing like me- my ex doesn't really have a type but he is rude in that he makes fun on heavyset women (his mom and sister are heavy) the woman he's with now used to be really skinny when he dated her but now she is big. when he first saw her after years (recently) he couldnt' believe it was her because she'd put on so much weight (and he actually TOLD her this!) she and I are the same height but she weighs at least 50 lbs more than me (and we're 5'1 so 50 lbs is a huge difference!) I just don't understand why he would leave me for someone like her (and then immediately cheat on her). I'm just afraid I won't get over him.
sedgwick Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 All I can say is that I know what you're going through with the "everything was great and then he dumped me" part. It happened to me too. As far as I know, he's not with anyone else, but then it's been total NC for two months (blocked his number, blocked his emails.) I just don't want to know ANYTHING about him. It's easier for me to get over him if I pretend he doesn't exist. He doesn't want me, fine, I'm gone. No begging, even though I want to. I know it won't do any good. I know I will never truly understand all the reasons he left. As for this other woman, you'll drive yourself nuts comparing. I have no idea what's in his head, and what he's doing makes no sense. I know you've posted in here quite a few times about the fact that he cheated on her with you. Obviously he's confused and he doesn't know how to treat a woman when it comes right down to it. I, like you, had an ex I pined for for years. My first love, from when I was 23 (36 now.) For years and years it was like, oh, if he ever walked back through the door again, I'd go with him immediately. Well, it took 12 years, but he DID walk back through the door, in the form of coming to visit my city and emailing totally out of the blue to see if he could stay with me. I agreed but as soon as he got there I asked him what he wanted out of this visit and out of me. I told him that I was messed up over him for a long time, and that I needed him to be very specific about what was in his head. Well, suffice it to say he really did just want a place to stay. Wanted to come back into my life 12 years later and use me as a hotel. He was rude and boring and unattractive. I ended up kicking him out. And let me tell you, it felt great. It feels right now like I will love my most recent ex forever, but I have to tell myself that if I could get over the first one, I can get over this one too. And hey, what's worse than 29 and single? 36 and single!!! My friends are having kids and buying houses, and I just got dumped AGAIN. But hey, I'm off traveling alone and writing a book. Their lives may be more secure, but mine is way more exciting.
Author lexi29 Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Sorry to hear that you too were a victim of the "everything was great, he just left one day" break up. I admire your strength in that you are able to block your exes calls and emails and get on with life!! Wish I could be in your shoes right now. For me, it was actually "easier" to know that my ex found someone else. He didn't tell me, he kept saying he just didnt want to be with me, that he wanted to be single. And the pathetic mess that I was, I offered everything to keep him from leaving, told him to spend more time with his friends, that if he wanted to go out with the guys, I'd even watch his son so he could go out. He refused it all. Made me feel like there was something HORRIBLE about me that he couldn't stand. I mean the way he went from one day everything was great to a few days later he couldn't wait to get my stuff out of his house. He wanted to get rid of everything of mine so badly one would have thought my belongings were infested with cockroaches. then I found out he wanted every trace of me gone so he could start his new life with HER. then it all made sense. I should have known, I always knew he hated being alone, that he was one to jump from one relationship to another pretty quickly. In fact he was still with his ex girlfriend when he started trying to convince me to date him (found this out years later) and I'm not sure of the time frame but he started seeing me shortly after he left her. The story he told me is that he'd wanted to date me for a long time (true, he'd been asking me out for 3 years) and now that I was interested he didn't want to lose the chance plus he didn't get along that well with his ex) I believed this at the time, stupidly believed I was so special that he had to break up with her immediately so he could start seeing me (someone he claimed he was infatuated with for the three years we were friends) So I should have seen it coming. the new girl is an ex of his- they dated when they were 13 and yes they slept together back then. they met several months ago after not seeing eachohter for about 12 years. My ex was very excited about meeting her again (took me with him) he showed me pictures of her (from when she was 18 or so) and she was a knockout back then. Was thin and had long blonde hair and big blue eyes and was just quite stunning. Well the woman we met (she's 27) looked nothing like those pictures!! My ex even said he couldn't believe it was the same person and that age really took a toll on her. She is 3 years younger than me but looks about 5 years older. She just looked very run down and not in good shape at all. The reason I bring up that he cheated on her so quickly (and with me) is because it makes me feel better. when I found out he left me for her I couldn't understand why. Not to sound stuck on myself because in real life I"m not at all- but I"m far more attractive physically then she is, I have a great job (she works 2 minimum wage jobs), I have a great relationship with his son, my ex and I had good sex (he always said so anyway and he wanted it all the time and I was happy to do it that often), we had some common interests, we always had a lot to talk about, I helped him with his new apartment when he moved (recently) helped him furnish and decorate it, bought his son school clothes when my bf couldn't afford to, I was close with his parents, I helped him out a lot with his son,I cooked him dinner when he'd get home late from work, his friends liked me. All these positive things and yet he wanted to be with her. So my first thought was that he must have some wonderful, intense emotional connection with her, or there must be something about her personality that he just couldnt' pass up. That he must have really fallen hard for her and that is why he left me so quickly. Well when he cheated on her within days of starting to date her I realized he really doesn't give a sh*t about her because she's been thru a lot and is very fragile emotionally and if he loved her he wouldn't take any chance of huirting her. yet he's slept with me and even though she told him never to talk to me again (because she found out he cheated) he's called me and told me he's been thinking about me a lot lately and that I can see his son (defying her orders) So thats the only reason I bring up that he cheated on her (and probably has done it again since then) because it proves he's an as* to everyone and not just to me. Proves that she isn't special. That he will probably leave her the same way he left me.
MartianChronicles Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 when my ex dumped me, i believed i would die... unfortunately enough, i survived, though i spent a couple of days crying every time a song, a place, a movie or whatever would remind me of him. now i'm afraid that all of those tears might have dried me inside. lexi, i read almost all of your posts, thought i hardly ever replied, and i can tell exactly how you feel and what you're going through. you'll be over your ex. no doubt. it will only take some time, and no one can tell how long it will need. it took 3 months actually for me to see what a jerk my ex bf is, and still i can't say i'm completely over him. i still miss some of the things we used to do together, i still miss the love we had, the intimacy... the sex! but i'm much more disapponted by him and his attitude and his bs**t now than hurt. would i want him back? absolutely not. i don't need someone like him in my life. i deserve better. from what i read, you seem to be on te right way though. you will miss him less and less as days go by. you said your ex is an a**.. do you think you deserve such an a** in your life?
Author lexi29 Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 I know he is an as* now and that helps me try to move on. I didn't know he was that way when I was with him. I mean this was a guy who was practically obsessed with me. Would call every day, wanted to see me every day, would call me at work just to say he missed me. Was my best friend. We could talk about anything. We had amazing chemistry. I guess I am so hurt because I feel like it was all a lie, a scam. I mean how can someone act like they feel so strongly about you and then one day just decide to replace you and act like everything is fine? And they dont' even replace you with someone better, just someone different. Still yes, I miss him. but I don't miss the guy he actually is, I miss the guy I thought he was. Last night was the first night I haven't dreamed of him so I actually feel calm today, feel like I will be ok. I hope this feeling lasts.
MartianChronicles Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 it's the same for most of us. you come to realise that the person your ex has become (or has shown himself to be) has nothing to do with the person you fell for. i must have dreamed of my ex last night, though. my head aches today
ninjaturtles Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 You could have taken the words right out of my mouth...lexis. I am much younger than you, but i was in a relationship at age 17...we were together for 2 years or so..i loved him with all my heart......when moved to UK, he stopped contacting me...and vanished..I was devastated and i thought I would never move on....I could not eat well, sleep well, study well, I was depressed...I honestly did not want to go on......I got over it...and I know now that there is NOTHING we cant get over...It seemed like I would not back then..but I did. He came back, about 8 months later.... Now, I just got out of a relationship..probably my most loving relationship..he was very sweet and warm and thats what makes me regret and wonder...Thats what makes me blame myself even when I know the truth. I was not perfect and I guess I could have handled things better, but he was not willing to work on anything. You will get over him, you have to believe that.It will take some time, but you have to believe you will..plus also feel the pain...live through it. I am sorry to hear about your ex who passed away..neverthless, do you realise that if you had been together, he may have died? You would have felt so much worse than you had then..my point being that sometimes things happen but you dont know why. I need to rush out now. wil be back
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