21 years old, first time in love, it's over

[badnewsbeers]

I met this girl about a year and a month ago. I met her through one of my best friends at university, who happened to recently have begun dating her roommate. Upon first sight it was nothing special, but we met at a BBQ and after talking we hit it off. At this point in time she was in the final stages of a 6 year relationship with her first serious boyfriend, as well as seeing another fellow on the side (I know, I know, my friend who introduced us warned me not to get involved). She was 22, now 23, and I was 20, now 21.

 

I came on very strong in the first month (this was the first girl that I've ever felt like this before) and then one day that crazy new feeling was sort of gone. At this point it took a bit of effort to keep it together, but I managed to get back on track and things were great. She had broken up with both of these guys, and we were officially together, and as time went on she got more and more into me.

 

This all happened between Sept-Dec of 2006. We both went home for Christmas vacation, a 2 week break, and couldn't see each other during that time. However, this forced us to talk on the phone and we would talk for hours and hours, and I feel that it made us that much closer. When I came back, things were better than ever.

 

Unfortunately, in January, I fell under the spell of depression. For anyone that's ever had that experience, it can be one of the worst - nothing is interesting, you feel sad and miserable all the time (even when enjoying yourself), and you lose any and all motivation. I tried to deal with this problem myself for a couple of months, and then as it began to get worse I included my girlfriend and family in it. All the while this was going on, I felt myself drifting away from my girl; I started to notice things that previously hadn't bothered me. She was a couple years older than me, and looking to settle down with a serious relationship. Consequently, she was looking to spend more and more time with me. It became critical that I see her every single day, and the amount of crying steadily increased on her part. The more she cried and tried to pull me tighter, the more I wanted to pull away.

 

This all came to a head when term ended in April 07. My friends all moved home, and I was stuck in the city with ONLY my girlfriend, and another roommate who was rarely there. For most people this would likely be a time of great excitement, but for me I was filled with dread. My depression took a significant turn for the worse, and every day was filled with misery. I had no luck finding a summer job and spent my days virtually alone, while she worked, or with her and feeling just as alone as without. I endured this brutal pain for 6 weeks before finally making the decision to move home for the summer once again (I had initially stayed only because she wanted me to stay with her, and I stuck it out for so long because I felt bad about leaving - also, she cried and carried on if I even suggested it).

 

I moved home and began seeing a therapist for my depression, at long last. However, my therapist became convinced that the cause was most likely my girlfriend, and so over the course of 6 or 7 sessions essentially convinced me of the need to end the relationship. By this point I was feeling more annoyed with my girlfriend than love, and combined with my desire to find ANY way out of my miserable depression, I took the advice of my therapist. I ended things at the very end of July 07, and for the next month I was good to go. My depression didn't solve itself immediately, but I was able to beat it down and figure out OTHER reasons for it to be there as well, and correct those. My ex texted and called, and at first I took them but then I began to ignore them. After a while, she gave up.

 

When I returned to the city in the fall and began attending school again, I learned that my ex had met somebody else and was finally moving on. Apparently, this awakened feelings in me that had been dead for quite some time, and so I decided to selfishly meet with her. We talked, and it was quite obvious that neither of us were over one another - I seemed to think that after beating my depression, all of the reasons we broke up had faded away (in other words, the depression was the reason we broke up). We got together several times over the next couple of days and talked about giving it another shot.

 

Quick aside: this girl has emotional issues as well. She has not been single since grade 10 (aged 15, and is now 23), and thusly hasn't had any amount of time to discover who she is - also she has a fear of being alone. When I broke up with her, it was her first time being dumped. She was a mess for weeks (anxiety and anti depressant drugs, OD'd on sleeping pills, couldn't sleep for more than half an hour at a time, etc etc). However, within 2 weeks of it ending she had called up her ex bf of 6 years, and they spent some time together (him consoling her, and they fooled around a bit - she feels that if a guy does stuff to her, it means everything, but if she does stuff to a guy, it means nothing and so she's able to do anything to a guy that she wants). Anyway, when she learned I was back in the city, that same night she hooked up with another random guy, and then she had also just begun seeing a third fellow before we started talking again.

 

Another thing I need to mention: in the dying months of our relationship, I felt virtually no compassion or love towards her, apart from the occasional spurt. More and more, I found her annoying, clingy, depressing, and worst of all, I felt completely and utterly trapped. I got the impression that this relationship was going to go the distance, and that scared me. I don't think I was old enough to deal with that, and I definitely wasn't ready. Consequently, I began to treat her poorly. I never hit her, or insulted her, or any of that, but I would be cold toward her. For example, in the first half of the relationship if she ever cried, I'd be there in a flash to make her feel better and I felt truly upset. In the last few months the crying became so often that my first reaction started to be "Oh great, this again?". I started to withdraw more and more, and I started to pick little fights and be VERY selfish.

 

All of this changed when we started talking again though. I began to remember only the good times, and I decided I wanted to try things again. She seemed very open to the idea, we had sex, things were great again. Unfortunately, her best friend and mother felt that after the misery and heartbreak she had endured the first time around, that I wasn't worth the effort of trying it again. She decided to end it before it really started again, because she believed that I never really changed (I don't blame her, I was a complete jerk to her towards the end).

 

Anyway, it's been about a month since she broke it off for good. I'm utterly miserable - I truly believed that I managed to fall in love with her again. She was my first love and first REAL girlfriend, and I've never been broken up with before (obviously). Seeing that she's moved on with this other guy (who probably treats her better than I did, and likely deserves her a lot more) absolutely kills me inside. I've always been the kind of person to have a hard time letting go, and for me this month has been worse than any time when I was depressed.

 

I like to think that I learned a lot from this relationship - I learned how to be more of an equal partner and put a girl's needs before my own. I learned how to properly love someone, and also how to not come on so strong. I learned how to communicate far better. I have a lot of fears and self doubts right now, but one of the biggest is that I'll meet someone else, and repeat all of the same mistakes because that's the 'easy' way out. All I want is to love someone, and have them love me even 90% as much as my ex did, and for me to treat them right and not screw it up.

 

I guess my question about all of this is simple: when I broke up with her, was it the right thing to do? Is this overall the right outcome? I remember having such strong feelings before that I wanted it over with, that I didn't love her, that I felt trapped and desolate. But now that I've been rejected, I feel none of that. I just remember her cute smile, her sexy body, her amazingly sweet and geniunely nice personality. If I could write a list of all the things I want in a girl, she'd hit most of them dead on. I'm just so miserable and lonely right now, and I think I know deep down inside of me that this is for the best, but I feel like I'll never meet someone like her again. I'm terribly at meeting girls, and the program that I'm in (engineering) doesn't have a lot of females around. I look at other girls now, and have brought the occasional girl home from the bar since the break up, and nothing compares. I just don't know what to do anymore...