Msblueyes Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 ...and I got a note on a napkin....we were together since 2000! But he's been on drugs forever, got out of rehab, with me for the past three months, tried to hit on two of my girlfriends, who live in the apartment house where I live & I hit the roof over that last month. We've had no sex, he slept in the same bed & then the cheating moves with my friends. Ok, so I was talking to my girlfriend on Fri afternoon, right before 5 p.m. and thinking about the fact that it was his payday & he owed me some money. My friend said wouldn't it be nice (she doesn't feel he's good for me & is pretty right on) if he was gone...as it turns out, I got home to my apt. clean & devoid of his things & a note. I started to shake. I knew he was going to move but in his note, he said, this is the way I had to do it. I think it's the coward's way but maybe there's more to it? Is this what guys do when they have a hard time leaving? He thought I would make it hard for him to go by getting liquored up...which is one thing that I truely do not like that he does...he will act like a predictor and tell me what I'm going to do & then, of course, I have so much frustration over him telling me what I shoudn't do that I might do it. In this case, he said to call him & he'd bring over the $ that he owed. So, I immediately absorbed myself in sweeping out the apartment, shaking out the rugs & putting a box together that he had left with pictures that he obviously didn't take. He must have moved out fast. He has no car (yeah, lame for a 40 year old that's done drugs & sold every car for drugs)and so had to have his friend drive him over. He looked at the box, looked at me, handed me some money & said I'm still one of his best friends. I told him it was about being his girlfriend as well, not just his best friend. I'm beginning to think he's got a problem with his sexuality. Now, I know this is a bit freaky, but when he was on drugs, one of my friends who's gay & used to party with him told me I needed to get rid of him but wouldn't tell me why. After he went to rehab, my friend told me that my bf asked him numerous time to do him. But my friend, loyal to me was repulsed and told him to back off. I always wondered years ago if my bf was either bi or closet gay because we never really had enough sex for my liking and he'd rather have oral than make love to me. Also, he never wanted to be held in bed & not into kissing me. My gay friend told me yesterday to just close the door on him and my friend has no reason to lie. And you thought your break up is bad?!:confused: What do I do now? He's still calling me. Haven't had a chance to discuss anything at this time as he's always got his friend, from work around...his new best friend, they were in the program together but this one just got kicked out for a binge...can things get any stranger? You know I'm wondering if the fact that they both work for two gay interior designers makes it any easier to figure out...my xbf2b does lawn maintenance and his friend is a carpenter...... HELP!!!!
amaysngrace Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I don't know why you're asking. I think you already know the truth. Especially if he asked your gay friend to be with him. How much more clearer do you need it to be for you? Know wonder you two are good friends...you both practice denial.
Author Msblueyes Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 I don't know why you're asking. I think you already know the truth. Especially if he asked your gay friend to be with him. How much more clearer do you need it to be for you? Know wonder you two are good friends...you both practice denial. I guess therapy is what I need. I didn't learn this until a few weeks ago, okay, so go a bit easy.... I would like my Xbf to be honest with me about sex...I mean after seven years, why not? I am just feeling really confused about the whole thing. I attributed a lot of the weird behavior to his drug problem as I've read it's not uncommon for men to be like that, on drugs, but now, there's no reason for that...I don't know, just pretty stunned to say the least.
amaysngrace Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I wasn't trying to be mean, just helping you to get your head straight I guess. I'm sorry. Maybe you will need therapy. I can't imagine finding out someone I was with was like that. I guess the most important thing for you to do is realize this is his thing. Not yours or any reflection on you whatsoever. He'd have been this way no matter who he was with. If anything you should be proud of the effort you gave it. And be proud that you have such a good heart. That's what drew him to you in the first place. Your open mind and your good-hearted nature.
Author Msblueyes Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Thanks Amays! What you say is true...sometimes I read these posts myself & not being in their position, the picture is so clear while mine is fuzzy. Yeah, it just really hurts bad because I feel deserving of honesty. Mom said that the first thing a man can do to end a relationship is take away sex. And he did. That hurt. And, having let him back in for a short while after the rehab, I do believe that he used me as a stepping stone to freedom; which I shouldn't have allowed, but being the nice person, I gave him a roof this time, but no money. Looking back, shouldn't have put myself out as my home now has that memory of him in it (romanticized, of course), that I will now need to blow out of my mind. Actually, it's probably better that we didn't have sex in my bed becuase then I'd have to deal with that memory. Okay, thank goodness for small blessings. Thank god for being able to get this out here. The evenings are the worst. I've decided to get back to the gym at night, after work, instead of early in the morning. That way, I won't be just sitting there feeling lonely, I'll be doing at least one thing positive for me. I think seeing someone, covered under my insurance would also be positive. I'm not depressed at the moment. I was more freaked out not knowing when he was going; now that he's gone, I don't have that worry. But I need to find out why I allowed this weirdness to continue without kicking him to the curb earlier; a couple of sessions might be well needed.
amaysngrace Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Yeah therapy can only help. So you make a better choice for next time. It's tough when you find out who you loved wasn't who you thought they were at all. But hopefully with a good therapist you can see it for what it is before you're smack dab in the middle of it all. If anything, like I said before, you should remember how kind you were to him. Know the good that's in your heart should be appreciated and not exploited. In time you will find a special someone to appreciate your love. I know this because you won't settle for anyone less than worthy of the gifts you have to offer. Don't think of this as lonely time...look at it as free time. Time for you. Time to heal and time to grow. It's okay to be angry. Just don't let it become bitter. You're too good for that. So stay sweet. And the love you were giving him...well give that to yourself now.
joekurtz Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Blue eyes, It sounds to me like you just need a couple of weeks to get your head straight. Because, like you said, I'm not getting the sense that you're depressed over this, just confused. That's not to say that you might not get a little depressed a bit further down the line. I mean, no matter what, seven years is a long time & even though the relationship wasn't one that really satisfied your emotional or physical needs, it's still going to take a while to get over it. I mean, for the better part of a decade this individual was a daily part of your life. So, of course, you're going to be left a bit lost with what to do with yourself in his sudden absense. Just think positively & think about the adventure & excitement of eventually finding a new romance down the line. One that'll be good for you & not one sided like the one you're now free of. Try to think of his leaving as a favor to you, not a rejection. He obviously has MANY issues to work out & was just dragging you down while he was there. With his history of drug abuse, his obvious confusion over his sexuality & his apparent lack of fidelity, be glad he's out the door. And, now that he's gone, make damn sure that he sticks to his decision by NOT allowing him back in ( to live ) if he comes knocking. OK? Take care & peace.
Author Msblueyes Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Blue eyes, It sounds to me like you just need a couple of weeks to get your head straight. Because, like you said, I'm not getting the sense that you're depressed over this, just confused. That's not to say that you might not get a little depressed a bit further down the line. I mean, no matter what, seven years is a long time & even though the relationship wasn't one that really satisfied your emotional or physical needs, it's still going to take a while to get over it. I mean, for the better part of a decade this individual was a daily part of your life. So, of course, you're going to be left a bit lost with what to do with yourself in his sudden absense. Just think positively & think about the adventure & excitement of eventually finding a new romance down the line. One that'll be good for you & not one sided like the one you're now free of. Try to think of his leaving as a favor to you, not a rejection. He obviously has MANY issues to work out & was just dragging you down while he was there. With his history of drug abuse, his obvious confusion over his sexuality & his apparent lack of fidelity, be glad he's out the door. And, now that he's gone, make damn sure that he sticks to his decision by NOT allowing him back in ( to live ) if he comes knocking. OK? Take care & peace. I've already made that promise (he can't come back to live with me...no matter what, let him foot drag on his own). I'm trying to look at it as a favor; I fluctuate between periods of elation & downright burst out into tears action. Time will tell how his decision goes, but, yeah, I know it's going to be very weird. I've already signed up to work with the film industry doing some volunteer work next month, that will be a positive experience. My friends totally support me. Lots of needs weren't. Heading to the gym in an hour & get some dopamine flowing naturally & then I'm kicking back with some wine & writing my pro/con list & see which side is longer (you can already guess), as I've not ever done it having kept too much in my head. He hasn't called so far today & that's a good thing. I'd really like to go NC for a while. We've got tickets to a concert in Nov and I do want to go, don't know if he'll remember so I'll let him be the one to bring it up...otherwise, I can always sell the ticket...
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