loveratud Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110219/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115096/ Those are my backstory threads. We've been back together for about 3 months now. She seems very happy and content, more so than ever before. But the irony is that now I'm feeling suffocated. She lives in my building, so she's always 20 seconds away. She sleeps over every night. She insists that I go to bed when she does (I snuck out of bed to write this.) She picks me up from classes and basically accounts for my whereabouts at all times, every day. She gets very defensive when I talk to or text girls that I know, whether she's around or not. I mean, she's the one that left me. She wanted space. She felt suffocated. She wanted to give her old ex another shot. What happened? On the advice of people here I kept a journal post-breakup. And it's clear that I wanted her back more than anything. But now that I got her, it seems so much less grand than I imagined. She constantly tells me she loves me, and I feel obligated to reciprocate, but I almost feel like I'm lying to say so. It's not that I don't care about her or love her, it's just that I don't feel like I love her as much as I did before. And I feel bad about that every day. I used to have this massive romantic drive to do all these really sweet things all the time, and now I feel so un-romantic. I can't help but feel that this is just remnants from me being hurt, but if that's the case, how do I get over it and move on with my life with her?
Travis L Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Didn't read your backstory but I had something similar happen with my current ex. Last year we got back together after 5 months of being broken up (she left me). Anyway, we really want what we can't have and it loses some value when it's readily available to us. I don't know how you will feel about this but fake it until you make it If this is someone you want to marry, don't let it get to you that you are being suffocated. Whatever you do, I wouldn't risk pushing her away. I once read that you have to treat a relationship like a rubber band. You want her to back off? Then try to suffocate her for a little while...short period so she doesn't back all the way off. What is her suffocating you make you want to do...back off. What did you suffocating her make her want to do...back off and left you. When she left you (backing off big time) you were pulled towards her (wanted her hardcore). Do what she is doing to you (for a short period of time). Mirror her actions temporarily and she may just back off. When she starts to back off, you back off...this will make her closer to you. It's a vicious cycle but it works...
Tormented Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 But now that I got her, it seems so much less grand than I imagined. I completely understand where you're coming from, Tud. My story with the ex is a very loooong and bizarre one - a real ping-pong of 'hit and miss" breakups, reconciliations...and so on. A real toxic situation for us both. Like you, I found myself missing him horribly when we were apart - imagining how "wonderful" our lives could be if we could just fix this or that...only to find that it wasn't so "wonderful" upon reconciliation. Didn't take long before I'd find myself thinking..."oh yeah, now I remember why it didn't work out." In fact, things seemed forced the second, and yes - THIRD time around. The magic we once had...that comfortable and natural feeling we shared just wasn't there - not like it was before. I don't know, I think when somebody breaks your heart and damages the trust, the dynamics change and it's just not the same. That's why second chances rarely work. Not to say they can't work, but it takes a lot of patience and time. And it also depends upon how deeply your partner hurt you. Personally, I found it impossible to forgive him or trust him and as a result, I lost a lot of feeling for him. She constantly tells me she loves me, and I feel obligated to reciprocate, but I almost feel like I'm lying to say so. It's not that I don't care about her or love her, it's just that I don't feel like I love her as much as I did before. Yep...that's exactly what I went through. And I feel bad about that every day. I used to have this massive romantic drive to do all these really sweet things all the time, and now I feel so un-romantic. Sometimes the love lessens or even disappears when your heart has been broken. I can't help but feel that this is just remnants from me being hurt, but if that's the case, how do I get over it and move on with my life with her? Truth is, you may never get over it...and your life will go on but it may not be with her. At this point, just take things slow and see where it leads. Don't allow her to push you into something you're not quite ready for. If, after enough time has passed and you find that the love you once had for her is gone, then you need to be upfront about it. Love isn't something you can force. Hang in there, Tud. I know what you're going through. ~T~
wowIlose Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Out of curiosity.. How did you end up getting her back? How long where you two apart?
niceguy27 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Are you just over analyzing everything she does? Step back a minute and look at it from an outside point of view. She may have realized what she did and has seen the light. Cool down and try to see where shes coming from. A while back (when my ex and I were still together) I had feelings that she was always annoying me. WHen I stepped back and saw how much she really cared for me I felt like a jerk for being so picky and selfish. Then things picked right back up and I was fine. Hang in there and enjoy it.
heartoutside Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Why don't you sit down and talk to her about it...? Communication is key, I know for a fact that 3/4's of the reason my ex broke up with me was because we didn't communicate properly. Tell her that you feel a little suffocated, (maybe not those exact words) but tell her that it's important that you don't rush things. Basically what's important is that you don't let this whole thing sit inside of you, because the longer you let it sit inside of you the longer it will slowly start to eat away at the relationship. You'll starting acting differently around her, kind of in a subconscience way or in a passive aggressive manor. Trust me, it will happen if you just let it be.
ninjaturtles Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 sorry to divert but is that your picture??? cute cute cute.lol. how old are you if you dont mind my asking and where are you? what country. Back to the thread, well.....give it some time...im sure you will get back to being romantic.xxx
wowIlose Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 lol hijacked! 21 Vancouver BC. No PM feature in this forum? I cant find it..
Krytie TV Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 She sleeps over every night. She insists that I go to bed when she does (I snuck out of bed to write this.) She picks me up from classes and basically accounts for my whereabouts at all times, every day. She gets very defensive when I talk to or text girls that I know, whether she's around or not. This is the biggest problem and one you have control over. You accept these behaviors... of course they're suffocating. You cannot accept things like this, it's not right. You need to keep autonomy or you face a very difficult battle.
Spinderella Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 It sounds as though she is just trying to reassure you. If you are feeling a bit claustrophobic then just talk about it, in a nice way, and make sure you reassure her at the same time.
Author loveratud Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 Good advice so far. I like "fake it till you make it." Another issue I'm having is that my physical attraction to her has lessened substantially during the breakup period. I attribute that to my hurt feelings, but it's causing troubling sexual problems that I've never experienced before.
birdie Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 they will go away once you are feeling a bit better about yourself and the situation.
Author loveratud Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 Well, I'm still feeling this way. It makes me uncomfortable when she says "I love you." I'm not interested in sex with her. I snuck out of bed and I'm sitting on the couch writing this and killing some time. I feel like she knows something up, and there's this uncomfortable gap between us, but I don't know how to fix it. This sucks. I'm coming up on my one year anniversary here though, which is when she dumped me after christmas a year ago. I kinda find myself wishing she would do it again.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Well, I'm still feeling this way. It makes me uncomfortable when she says "I love you." I'm not interested in sex with her. I snuck out of bed and I'm sitting on the couch writing this and killing some time. I feel like she knows something up, and there's this uncomfortable gap between us, but I don't know how to fix it. This sucks. I'm coming up on my one year anniversary here though, which is when she dumped me after christmas a year ago. I kinda find myself wishing she would do it again. You know what it is, all that shine you thought she had in the begining has rubbed off on her and now she aint no new anymore. It hurt when she left you and messed around with another dude like it was nothing, then she wants you back like nothing happened? like your sloppy seconds. What your feeling right now is huge resentment. Or the plain of lethal flatness. If anything why dont you just tell her the truth?
kitkat289 Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 yeah you're so right...that's the feeling of resentment.Reading your situation,I feel lucky that my ex didnt consider getting back seriously because I also have a lot of hurt feelings inside me...loss of self-esteem and stuff.Great site...I keep learning things:love:
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