Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 I understand what you're saying ISeeEm, but ever since we met 10 years ago, we have been slightly attracted to each other (we were both in separate Rs) but throughout the years we became really good friends, and he came by my workplace to hang out and we had dinner, we called each other, texted each other etc. When we first became involved, it felt reallllly weird even though I knew I cared about him. But even when we both were saying it wasnt going to go anywhere, it continued. And now it's caught up to me. You know that fluttery feeling you get when you see someone you like and are attracted to? I still get that and it's sooo hard to feel like that with anyone else. He used to tell me he was confused about us, and he was confused about his R with his wife, he admits he loves her, but he loves me too. But all of a sudden he realizes this could get bad (he knows I want more, one night I cried when we were together, another night I wrote an email to him wondering whether he was thinking of me at the moment or was he making love to his wife), and thats probably what scared him off. He realized it could get bad and things at the workplace (me, him and W work same field, but I work in a different office) people have been talking (or did he make that one up to pre-signal me that its time to stop?). I know he cares about me in his own way, but I would like to know exactly what it is he thinks of me. I think he is trying his best to let me down, wean me, however you want to call it, with the least amount of hurt. And in realization, that makes it hurt. Sometimes I think he is such an @$$hole for telling me he loves me, and sometimes I get mad that he doesn't. I'm trying to accept the fact that its over but sometimes my innerself doesn't want to accept or believe it. He used to call me like 10 times a day, and we would spend literally hours on the phone or IM, before we would meet up, how could it just come to a halt so abruptly? Was he playing me? Is this as hard for him as it is for me??
frannie Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Heartbroken, after reading your thread, I'm thinking... you are trying to do almost the impossible... to 'be friends' with him, which is his stated desire (I think?). The thing is, I don't think he's being terribly honest here. What in his words is 'being friends' is actually by any other name an emotional affair. You actually talk about your fears that he 'only wants you for sex' but it seems to me that this is something he doesn't have a great desire for from you (sorry that sounds ridiculous... what I mean is..)... his overwhelming need from you is that you be there, loving him and needing him at the same time as he has his W and his homelife too. Thus he can say, 'let's just be friends'... and take you to dinner, have you look at him with desire and need... and then go home satisfied to his other life. He will continue to do that for as long as you can manage it. But where does that leave you..? 'Being friends' with him is, I would say, impossible for you at the moment. Because you desire so much more... you have no other life besides him (in the sense of family, spouse, children)... your life is in essence on hold, for him, in exactly the same way it would be if you were in a passionate affair. 'Being friends' (fulfilling his extra-marital needs) in fact is a worst-case scenario for you, an eternity of longing and lack of fulfilment. Yes, you do need to move away from this. Perhaps think of it this way... you can return to your 'friendship' with him when you have a life of your own, which does not rely on him. In that way you will be on an equal footing, you can call some of the shots... and it may actually be enjoyable rather than a meal filled with longing and tears behind the eyes. How do you move away..? You might start by breaking all dates with him, no more dinners for the time being but perhaps next year... perhaps... never... but don't fear it just know that when you don't see him it will be because you're busy and in love. Don't fear that, just know that it is entirely possible. Ask him to respect your privacy regarding who you will be dating and when. That way you won't feel guilty and he won't feel jealous and you won't feel you're levering him and everyone will be doing everything for the right reasons. I know its painful. But it's the only way. Otherwise you're just going to be torturing yourself month after month after month... and you'll still have to do it down the line because he's said, he loves her and he's not leaving - even as he throws out the picture of you 'dating a divorced Dad'... just ignore those words which are meant to hook you back in... they're essentially meaningless and spring from his desperation. He does not want to lose what he has in you. But he cannot offer you what you need from him. So... you have to move on...
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 frannie, your words are so true. thank you. i will try to be strong..
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