moonbeam684 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I have been married for over 20 years. My husband has a rare eye disease and has been legally blind for the past 10 years. Our relationship before was OK, but since then has been in a steady decline which has really accelerated over the past year. The pressure on me has been incredible to be the family's breadwinner, doing all the driving (2 children, many activities) plus still doing most of the housework. You may ask why hubby does not do the housework -- and he tries to do some, but only will do what I refuse to do. Given 10 years to accept and adjust to his situation, my hubby has turned into an angry and bitter "victim" who is unable or unwilling to seek out or accept help that could allow him more independence. Our marriage has been completely shattered, and I have tortured myself with guilt about my feelings of wanting to end the marriage. I threatened to leave, and actually did leave (for one day) a few months ago. It scared him alot, and he started going to counseling, but quits when he thinks I have changed me mind about leaving. For me it is too little to late. Now we co-exist in this house without talking, and I am miserable. I know I need to leave or I will never be happy. But the guilt is incredible because I firmly believed in the marriage vows of "better or worse" and "sickness and health". The only thought that consoles me is that they work both ways, and if the one with the "sickness" refuses to make themselves the best they can be; then they have violated the vows every bit as much as the one that pursues ending the marriage. OK -- bring it on -- I would love to hear what you all think.
Curmudgeon Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 What I think is this. Such loyalty is only workable if the spouse cooperates and participates in treatment, where feasible, counseling, rehabilitation, etc. My wife is bipolar and cooperation with treatment, to include medications, is essential to preserve our relationship. It is not unusual for anger to accompany a disability. However, there's help for that if he'll seek it. if he wo't I don't think you're bound to spend the rest of your life with an angry person who wants to simply wallow in their own misery.
amaysngrace Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I think it takes time to adjust to losing something as valuable as eyesight. It's only been one year since it's rapidly deteriorated. That's got to be tough on him. Going from independent to dependent has to be hard too. I couldn't imagine doing it with someone I gave 19 good years to who now resents me for something beyond my control. He has major limitations now. And how exactly do you expect him to deal with what he's been dealt and what exactly is the time frame you're giving him to "get over it"?
Author moonbeam684 Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Thanks for responses - I don't believe I resent him for something that is beyond his control. I totally accept the blindness, and feel that I have done everything I can to encourage and support him over the past 10 years. What has really hit home for me recently is that I have been doing it all. He does not take initiative to learn how to function as a blind person and expected me to always "take care" of him. I feel very used. He does have control over how he deals with his blindness. And yes, it is a huge adjustment and takes time; but it has been 10+ years!!! I have made sure he has been exposed to agencies that can help him and to a support group of others with the same condition, so he has seen what is possible with some training. The real wake up call came when I discovered that not only was he not taking initiative to make things better, but he was making things worse by drinking, heavily, EVERY day. The drinking has curtailed (but not stopped -- now just hides it from me). I just can't deal with it anymore!!!
Curmudgeon Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 We all have our own, individual tolerance levels. If you're reached yours then so be it. That's a "no harm, no foul" scenario!
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