meetme26 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 MM and I ended things earlier this year. On friendly terms. We ran into each other at a party this summer and even though we spoke for only a few minutes, my best friend said you could feel major tension (longing, aching feelings). We've talked on the phone twice since then. Nothing major just basic pleasantries! BACKTRACK, For his birthday in February, I purchased him a really nice gift (spent hundreds! engraved, etc. the whole deal!) So, I run into him 2 days ago and this has always been on my mind. I asked him if he still has the gift. He says, "Heck yeah, I have every thing you've ever given me. I'm not going to tell her everything." So if he was forced to completely have NC (which I'm positive she made him agree to!) and to wanted to work things out with her, wouldn't he have come clean about the ENTIRE situation with me? By this I mean, tell her about all gifts, conversations since the breakup, cards sent to me, etc.? I'm so confused because if I was the BW in this deal, I would go ballistic if I knew my FWH had kept mementos and was still talking to the FOW. Help!
OWoman Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 So if he was forced to completely have NC (which I'm positive she made him agree to!) and to wanted to work things out with her, wouldn't he have come clean about the ENTIRE situation with me? If he was forced, no - he'd withhold, resist, only seem to comply. If he wanted to work things out - he'd be judicious about how much he told. Enough to be authentic, to seem sincere, without being hurtful.
norajane Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 He was lying to her while he was cheating on her. What makes you think he'd start being honest just because his wife learned about the cheating? He didn't want his marriage to end back then while he was cheating, and he still doesn't now, so the only thing that has changed is his wife knows about the cheating. Apparently, that's not enough to make a liar stop lying.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 So if he was forced to completely have NC (which I'm positive she made him agree to!) and to wanted to work things out with her, wouldn't he have come clean about the ENTIRE situation with me? By this I mean, tell her about all gifts, conversations since the breakup, cards sent to me, etc.? Not necessarily. He may have wanted to keep his memories/mementos with you separate from his reconciliation with her. It takes a long time sometimes for a WS to 'come clean' and give up all parts of the affair. He may end up giving them all up eventually, or he may not.
IWALH Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 If he wanted to work things out - he'd be judicious about how much he told. Enough to be authentic, to seem sincere, without being hurtful. Exactly. My xMM lied to his wife about so many things there is no way he could possibly come clean about everything. If he truly did, I don't think she would have stayed with him. He tells/admits to some things (enough to appease her and make her feel like he is being truthful) and lies about most. It's all about making the wife feel comfortable again. So while they do admit to some truths to make them seem as if they are being honest, I highly doubt there are many FWH who will admit to everything they lied to their wives about.
imstunned Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I havent the fainest idea what is going on with the guy I was seeing and his wife now she has found out - but I would bet money that he wont be honest with her about the things we did, the things I gave him and the time we had together. Surely they say the minimum needed to get away with it? Is it possible that what has confused you is that he has kept things that you gave him, which would suggest they mean something to him, and you are now thinking that you still mean something to him, and perhaps you could therefore resume your affair? Thats what I would be thinking. (just a thought, I'm new here and am in deep confusion myselfxx)
GreenEyedLady Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Help! What exactly is your question? Whether he kept momentos are not, really aren't the point here... Are you wanting to resume the A? Because if not, I don't think it matters whether he kept items or not...
bunset Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 It think it's a valid question, but if you are going to maintain NC, you should not be thinking about it. Do you want it to mean something?
OpenBook Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Honesty is irrelevant when reconciling a M to a WS. Otherwise -- if the REAL truth came out -- it would be impossible to continue the M. The continuation of the M is based on lies. The BS just doesn't want to hear the truth. This has been made abundantly clear to me by various BS's here on LS who have attacked my position in various threads. I've just had to throw up my hands. I do not understand their unwillingness to face the truth, or their refusal to take any responsibility for driving their H's to cheat. It's a complete mystery to me how people can live their lives like that. It just gives me another great reason to be so, so glad I'm single.
Author meetme26 Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 I know that I, for my own sanity, NEED to stay in NC with him. But a small part of me would feel so much better if I knew that he thought of me just a little bit, or missed me just a little bit. 'Cause I guess that's the way I feel about him. It hurt so bad when we ended things. The last 2 times we've run into each other, it's like someone has reached deep inside my chest, squeezing my heart until it's hard to breathe. He wanted to give his marriage one last effort for 1 year, and if it didn't work he would be mentally, emotionally and physically free to be in a relationship with me. I told him I wouldn't wait for him and if by chance I was free and available when he was available, then maybe we were meant to be. PS-For the last 2 years of their marriage, they had separated off and on. I just have so many thoughts running through my head.....
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 But a small part of me would feel so much better if I knew that he thought of me just a little bit, or missed me just a little bit Assume that he does because he kept the gifts. PS-For the last 2 years of their marriage, they had separated off and on. I just have so many thoughts running through my head..... Drama!! If they do divorce, THEN date him, but until that happens, stay in NC for your own sanity.
White Flower Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 He says, "Heck yeah, I have every thing you've ever given me. I'm not going to tell her everything." So if he was forced to completely have NC (which I'm positive she made him agree to!) and to wanted to work things out with her, wouldn't he have come clean about the ENTIRE situation with me? By this I mean, tell her about all gifts, conversations since the breakup, cards sent to me, etc.? I'm so confused because if I was the BW in this deal, I would go ballistic if I knew my FWH had kept mementos and was still talking to the FOW. Help! Even if he means to truly work things out with her, he still won't forget you. These sentimental items are reminders of what you both had. What she doesn't know won't hurt her; in fact, she may hurt even more if she knew about all those things so telling her would be cruel. And by keeping all those momentos, he gets to feel closer to you. This helps him cope with the loss of you. His thought may be that he didn't get to keep you, so at least he will keep these things as a reminder of you.
SoxPrincess Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Exactly. My xMM lied to his wife about so many things there is no way he could possibly come clean about everything. If he truly did, I don't think she would have stayed with him. He tells/admits to some things (enough to appease her and make her feel like he is being truthful) and lies about most. It's all about making the wife feel comfortable again. So while they do admit to some truths to make them seem as if they are being honest, I highly doubt there are many FWH who will admit to everything they lied to their wives about. Same with my xMM, exactly the same. He told mutual friends of ours & posted on a different infidelity support board that he didn't and never will tell his W everything about our A. He told her he "liked" me & enjoyed the sex; but never told her he bought me a diamond ring for Christmas, that we looked at apartments, that we vacationed together many times, that he loved me, etc (This isn't word of mouth, I have seen him write these things on previously mentioned support board). He said the reason for this was because he didn't want to hurt her more than he already did and that nothing good could come from being 100% honest. I, however, beg to differ. I told my BH EVERYTHING on the advice from our marriage counselor, my individual therapist and because I felt it was the only way we could attempt full reconciliation. Yes it hurt my BH, hurt him beyond belief, but through our counseling and talks, he admits he is glad I let it all out now because if he found out more stuff down the road, he would leave in an instant. Our reconciliation is tough...hardest thing I've ever done, but my honesty has helped us move along and I feel good about it. At any rate, most MM (and MW) will lie to their BS' about the extent of the affair in order to "save" their marriage; I just don't think it's a step in the right direction. IMHO, there is a HUGE difference between regret & remorse; most MM/MW regret getting caught, regret hurting their BS and regret their shame for their part in the A. Regret is fleeting...it passes and can be pushed down. Remorse is FEELING the compassion for your BS, remorse is selfless and remorse usually never goes away. I think those that choose not to tell the complete truth regret things as opposed to feel remorse for them.
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