MattN Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 You can read my old thread by clicking on my name but to make a long story short my stbexw walked out on me last august. I filed for divorce last november and got 50/50 shared custody of our 6yr old son. Things have been going pretty good I guess. I basicly just let her go and have been doing all the steps to move on with my life. I'm finally to the point where I would like to actually start talking to someone and maybe date. I'm not out rushing for it or anything but if it happens then thats great. Obviously most of the women I would be interested in do not want to date someone who is just seperated and I completely understand which brings me to my current problem. My wife keeps dragging her feet on signing the papers. The papers have been ready to be signed since March 14th. We agree on everything so its been a pretty easy split. She got her own apartment in May and things seem to be going well for her but I really don't pay much attention. Well she still hasnt signed the papers and I'm becoming fustrated because I would like to put this behind me and start rebuilding my life. I decided 2 weeks ago to ask her if we could sit down and have a peaceful 1 on 1 talk. So we did and we basicly just discussed our son and how well the 50/50 is going and that it is working etc etc. Some of the same old stuff got brought up and she mentioned women don't leave for sex but because something emotional is missing blah blah yeah whatever makes you sleep at night hon I'm past all that. How shes never getting married again blah blah.. So have you signed the papers yet? She tells me she was waiting on deciding what to dow ith our son. Excuse me? We're doing a 50/50 shared because thats whats best. Shes like yes it is working. Then shes like well I tried to go down to the court house to sign the papers but they told me I had to sign them at my lawyers office. WTF??? I'm like well of course you would have to go to your lawyers office and sign them. So she says she'll call him and get them signed. That was 2 weeks ago so last night she calls and after she says goodnight to our son she asks to talk to me and mentions her dad says we should sit our son down and talk to him about how all this wasn't his fault etc. We have already done all that he doesn't blame himself etc etc. So again I asked her if she signed the papers and again I get the same damn excuse that she tried to go to the court house to sign them. Um yeah you already told me that and you need to get with your lawyer and sign them. So she asked me if I signed them. I told her no that they are at her lawyers office and when she signs them they will be sent back to my lawyer and I will sign them and its a done deal.. So she says okay she'll call her lawyer this week and go down there at lunch or something and sign them. I was just like ok cool then I'll sign them and it will be a done deal.. What the freakin hell is the deal? I mean I could not of made this any easier on her I have done all the leg work all she needs to do is take 15min and sign a piece of paper. I realize its just a piece of paper but to me not being divorced and having it finalized prevents both of us from moving on completly. At least for me it does. Its like I still have this string attached to me. It really makes no sense to me. Am I wrong for wanting this finalized? We agree on everything and have since March. We co-parent fine and never really agrue..
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Obviously your stbxw regrets or is having second thoughts about her decision and is hoping or waiting to see if you will take some interest and try to reconcile with her but she is not able to tell you that straight away. Or maybe she is just a little afraid to let it go finally and is dragging her feet because of that. If you have decided to do what you're doing, and there's no turning back, then pushing her a little will do the deal for you. If however you want a little step backwards, maybe this is your chance to delay the divorce and try to reconcile. Think about it carefully, this may be the last chance before it's done finally. Just my two bits .. Bobby
Author MattN Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Thats what most people I know say also but like I said she hasn't mentioned anything to me and didn't say or hint about it 2 weeks ago. Its not like I'm sitting around waiting for her or anything my life will go on thats for sure but I look at it like this. She walked out and at that time I'm sure there was somebody else but I never tried to find out. If she doesn't have the guts to face the music and come forward to me then she doesn't have the guts to make it through a marriage so she leaves me no choice but to continue with the divorce.
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Sometimes if it's important enough it's not bad to take the first step. Though you don't want to make it look like you're groveling, if you still feel like you would care to get together, then consider bringing it up to her. Ask her why she is hesitating so much, whether she is hoping you would want her back ? That gives her an opening if she wants to talk about something to you. There's a lot of ways in which you can bring it up without you being the one who bowed his back and went to her again. But it should be important enough for you to do that Don't mistake curiosity for feelings, but if you have those feelings don't let it go because of pride. Take a chance, you never know where it might take you. Just my two bits .. Bobby
amaysngrace Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Most definitely she's re-thinking it all now. And if she cheated she's not going to open the door to talk about it. Especially if she thinks that will close the door for you and make you want the divorce even more. But I think your lack of interest if she cheated or not kind of makes her feel you don't care enough about her. And that you're not fighting for your marriage tells her pretty much the same thing. Like she said...it's emotional. I think you have to be firm in what you want to her. Let her know exactly how it is. If you love her, let her know it. And if you wanted the divorce yesterday then let her know that too. Be bold and direct.
Gunny376 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I'd set up a "lunch date" under the pretense of "we really need to talk" and then when I picked her up, I drive her happy azz to her lawyer's office (with an appointment previously set up!) She screwed up ~ playing with fire, and now she's scrared of getting burned. She didn't think it would come to this? She didn't think things through! I'd divorce her! (You can always get re-married if you so inclinded?) She needs to go out on a date or two with Mr. Reality! (:lmao: Ha! And she thought you could be a jerk!)
Ladyjane14 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I'd set up a "lunch date" under the pretense of "we really need to talk" and then when I picked her up, I drive her happy azz to her lawyer's office (with an appointment previously set up!) She screwed up ~ playing with fire, and now she's scrared of getting burned. She didn't think it would come to this? She didn't think things through! I'd divorce her! (You can always get re-married if you so inclinded?) She needs to go out on a date or two with Mr. Reality! (:lmao: Ha! And she thought you could be a jerk!) I'm with Gunny... I'd just drive her ass right on over to the attorney's office. Seriously, half the fun of being a walkaway wife would seem to be in knowing that your spouse is pining away for you. I just don't think these girls 'get it' that once they've burned the bridge, the bridge is burnt. All it takes is for a man to notice that there are other women in the world... and it's GAME OVER.
Woggle Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 It is screwing with her ego that you are not groveling and begging for her to come back. Women expect a man to be broken and down and depressed when they leave him and when he bounces back rather quickly it throws her for a loop and makes him look more attractive. I agree with Gunny about driving her to the lawyer's office.
Author MattN Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 I still love her and probably always will but I don't think its pride that holds me back. I just don't feel like she actually gets it and if she loved me half as much as I loved her then her decision should be easy. I mean she woke up one day and had the guts to walk out and continue to watch our son literally kick and scream at her when I would try and drop him off because he didn't want to leave me but she doesn't have the guts to come forward and admit she made a mistake? I have done a lot of thinking the past few days and when we talked a few weeks ago she said many things that make me feel as if she really doesn't care and has no second thoughts. I can't remember everything word for word but I know she made some type of reference that we would NEVER happen again. She says she has been seeing a councelor for awhile and shes TRYING to get off the paxel but I think shes full of it. That drug changes someone too much IMHO.. Frankly I think shes at the very least a year out from really understanding what she has done and the true consequences. Shes only been living by herself for about 6months and is just now starting to understand what I've been going through pressure wise to pay bills etc etc and actually having to show up for work everyday. I wasn't perfect in the marriage by any means but there was nothing going on that we couldn't have worked on through some help. I have spent a lot of time working on myself and making changes etc. I don't think she knows what she wants yet but is probably a little afraid of divorcing me for whatever reason. I mean if I delayed the divorce for another year I doubt she would say anything. One of the things that really stuck out that she said a few weeks ago was about one of the reason she left was because I slapped her on the cheek 4 yrs ago. Now let me explain we had a really stupid arguement that escalted into way more than what it should have and she threw a large brush to my face and I slapped her on the cheek. Not that hard but she says I hit her. I'm not trying to make an excuse for it because it was unacceptable and regret it but I don't think by any means it makes me abusive. I don't think one slap in 11 yrs makes me abusive and nothing happened the 4 yrs after that. Now what really bothered me about what she said was that I could have thrown her down to the ground or even snatched her up and threw her against the wall and that would have been okay.. WTF?? That just makes no sense and it not something a rational person would say.. A few years from now I just don't think I will be the one looking back with regrets.
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Well, it sounds to me that you're in a good place. And you don't need to regret anything about that. Perhaps she was not mature enough (age has nothing to do with maturity, trust me) at that time and perhaps she's not even ready yet. But it's sinking in. At the end of the day what do you want to do ? As different from what you should do or what needs to be done. If you want to get back with her someday, then let the status quo continue with reminders of the papers getting signed. That gives both of you time and also gives her openings to start dialogue about getting back together if she wants. If you're sure you want nothing more to do with her, then just push her to the attorney's office and get it over with. Remember, once you're both divorced it's final. No one says that you can't get back together. But once it's done, you're free, and so is she, to date others and to move on with your life and it may happen that you may not get back together. So be sure that is what you want. About the "abuse" I agree that it's unacceptable, but if it's not your natural behaviour don't beat yourself up too much about it. If your spouse abused you physically by throwing a brush at you, you should have walked away, but sometimes in the heat of the moment you tend to react in a way that's not the best. As long as it's not a regular thing it means it was a one off, nothing the two of you can't get over. Though what she meant was that pushing her in return or throwing her on the bed would have been okay, but hitting her was like breaking a barrier and she panicked. I personally believe that people grow differently and at different speeds. My wife and I have been having problems but I've decided to take it slowly and we have separated without divorcing to give each other time to grow to the stage needed to continue this marriage. Though I'm the one who initiated it, I still have second thoughts. Which is probably what your wife is going through. Maybe she would like to get together but her ego is not letting her do the talking required for it. If that is what you want also, then give her an opening or few to get the ball rolling. Otherwise, let it go. Just my two bits .. Bobby
Gunny376 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Newsflash for you there SLICK! For the rest of your life? Your gong to love her! And its one Hell of a bitch ~ loving a someone that your azz don't even LIKE! Such is Life! Not only do I love my XW and the Mother of my children? I'm still in love with her? But you know what that is? A personal problem! Something that I've got to deal with each and everyday! Its not her problem ~ its mine! YES! I love my XW! Still in love with her! But, you know what? I don't like her! NOW! Spend 17 years trying to get your head wrapped around that "concept" and you and I can talk! Its a bitch loving and being "in-love" with someone ~ your ass dosen't even"like"!
Author MattN Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 I wouldn't consider 1 slap in 11 yrs any type of abusive pattern thats for sure but it just kinda hurt me that she threw it in my face when she was being abusive also but I don't let it affect me. I realize I will always love her and thats fine I can live with that. I have left the door open for her to talk to me and she knows how I feel but has said nothing to me. Which is fine but at least now I can move on knowing that I did my best and didn't let something slip away because of pride. We have a court date Oct 30 so she has to sign this week..Thanks again for all the advise it has really helped..
Gunny376 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Anyone who can walk away from a marriage ~ relationship with the knowledge that they gave their best, tried their best ~ the best that they had at the time ~ IMHO has done all that they could do. Sometimes? In the end? Your best just wasn't good enough!
Author MattN Posted October 29, 2007 Author Posted October 29, 2007 Well I found out today after no response from her that she wants to add to the divorce that if its my day and i have to work and she doesn't then I have to take him over to her. This got brought up after a weekend I took Gage to the pool and a movie with a female friend and her 5 yr old daughter. She didn't directly mention anything about the woman but thats when all this got brought up. I don't have a problem with my son spending time with her but I won't agree to this on paper because she works much less than me and I don't want her to be able to use it against me later on and go into court and say she has him more than me etc. The bottom line is she doesn't want him around another woman because if I got married instead of my son staying home or whatever I would have to take him to her even on my days. I'm not stupid I know the sole purpose of this is to eliminate him being involved with any other woman I happen to be with.
Gunny376 Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I agree with you Matt ~ that's getting petty is you ask me? Seems to me? That the way it should work is that you pick him up and drop him back off on your day, and vice versa?
Recommended Posts