Closure I guess

[fabulousgal]

Well,

 

I had stayed in LC with my ex bc we broke up while he was travelling the ends of the earth. We broke up because I would tell him when I thought he could be doing more to keep in touch while he was gone. It turned into fighting. I do think the breakup was rather rash, he never even told me he was at that point.

 

We were planning a weekend when he got back anyway, so we didn't change the plans or anything. I know this is a big no no for moving on, but honestly its hard to break things off with someone over email and not wonder if things might be different when they are in the same country with a phone finally.

 

I won't lie and say I didn't want a reconciliation eventually. But he would have had to work for it. So, being the nice host I am, I got things prepared for his arrival. From the minute he arrived, it was like nothing changed. He was holding my hand within an hour. Kinda ticked me off though, he made plans with his friends (and I was going of course) the 2 nights he was here. Turns out the only full day he was here, he ended up hanging out with them as well. I was pissed. I told him though, in a nice way.

 

I made him breakfast. Then I told him it was pretty crappy of him to break up with me and not talk to me about it first. He did apologize. I asked him whats next, not looking for an immediate reconciliation, but I just needed to hear some fire in his voice that he would like to see things work. Because honestly, I can't invest anymore into this without knowing its what he wants too when he gets settled in from his trip, provided things are going good between us.

 

Well, I didn't get the answer I wanted, it wasn't a no but wasn't a yes. I just didn't hear the drive from him I needed. And I am pretty hot and sweet and I deserve it. I just feel like I was willing to wait on him to travel the earth blah blah, and it was time to recieve some appreciation.

 

So to try to sum up this long post, I basically told him I have to draw the line. I'm a great girl, I've given enough, I'd try to see if we could have something, but not if he is half ass about it. Screw that. Feels like sh*t you know but in the end dragging this out and pining over someone who doesn't have the drive to see if things could work is a waste of my freakin time. He asked if he could call and we could still talk and see how things go. I started crying and said let me think about it. Shortly after he walked out the door, I wrote him an email saying Good bye, that I didn't feel appreciated and I deserved better.

 

Sigh, sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. I'll probably be back mid week crying, but I still feel glad I stood up for myself and didn't drag my feet in the mud. I didn't want this weekend to turn dramatic, but once I saw he wasn't making the time to spend with me during his short trip to my city after sooo long of not seeing eachother, and me being faithful to him while gone, I just wanted to know if it was a waste of my energy.

[fabulousgal]

thoughts anyone, i think maybe i just need some ls support

 

oh and i didn't mention it before but i am going nc as of now.

[Scorpio13c]

You know what Fabulousgal, you tried & there's nothing wrong with that.

At least you know where you stand right?

Have you tried just casual dating at all? It's boosted my ego & really helped me through the tough times. Although i didn't initially want to, i forced myself to talk to other women.

3 months now since my 4-1/2 year relationship ended & NC & dating have really helped me heal.

You'll heal too!

Scorp

[sedgwick]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

 

I, for one, am really proud of you. Way to go.

[sao2]

To be completely honest your post hits very close to home to me. Top to bottom. Problems started . . . and ended pretty much the same way.

 

Basically I would have done the exact same thing. When your partner travels and has life changing experiences it is great for them, at the same time.

 

If they are going to be unable to work on the relationship in even a minimal way while they are gone and once they get back they should do the honorable thing and end it.

[fabulousgal]

Thanks Sedgewick, it was hard to do but I just stood in awe this weekend at how I wasn't being appreciated.

 

Scorpio, I have actually started dating. I give a lot, and when I knew he was returning, I figured it was fair to give it a shot bc of the circumstances (him travelling). I didn't need think we needed a final answer today, but good lord I needed some passion about the situation. Didn't hear it, he was rude by not spending time with me after everything, I had enough. I have a date this week, which is just fine. I wish though that things had not turned out this way with my ex. I guess its happened for a reason so I gotta tell myself that to get through the pain.

 

Sao, I am not even sure why he came to see me in all honesty. I really thought from the way he was acting before and once he got here, we would at least discuss how to give it a shot in time. Hurts that he couldn't even do that.

 

Thanks for posting guys.

[Scorpio13c]

Fab,

I know exactly how you feel, i felt/still sometimes feel the same thing. But you have to realize the reality of it, it's over. I share your pain & i wish you my best wishes to be strong!

You'll see, the dating thing will help you tremendously!

Scorp

[fabulousgal]

I know its over and it hurts. It makes me never want to open up again.

 

I'm tired of being the one who tries. I'm tired of meeting people that are along for the fun but when sh*gets tough they are no where to be found. I am tired of my feelings not being regarded.

 

Just tired overall.

[hopeforlove243]

You did good. I am proud of you. I know how you feel, tired of trying, tired of everything, I feel the same But hanging there, we will get through this tough time.

[sao2]

I totally understand. I mean now that he is back and has a phone you could at least give it an honest shot right? But in reality it would just be harder on you.

 

If you were tried again, now that he is "far, but not that far" the bar is raised, the expectations will be higher. He has proven unwilling or unable to realize the modest expectations you had of him while he was traveling. Do you think he would be able to meet the higher expectations once he gets back?

 

 

Anyways, you will meet someone and open up again, we live and we learn. Each time we have a better idea of who we are looking for and who we should avoid. One day, maybe you will meet someone who will try just as hard as you will .

[Darkzen]

You have to be leaving out a lot. Why does he have to try harder to initiate contact?

 

I'd say that he's just tired of the double standards and wanted out. You may have been tired of somethings too. Using the excuse of him not showing you "something", when you saw him, as justification. Although, based on your story, I'd say something is "fishy" on both sides. Sorry but I don't offer support to people just because... especially if I feel that they are due a portion of the blame. I'm still confused as to why you need support... did you do something special? You walked out of a break-up, one in which your ex didn't want to be with you anymore (the verdict is still out on whether he left you unreasonably). Continue to move on and try to prevent the mistakes you made in the past (like the double standards and vast ego).

 

These are my opinions and you probably won't like them (or me), but life isn't fair or perfect. I won't give people support if I feel they're wrong. I'm not saying your ex is perfect, but from what you've described... I don't think you're much better.

[ninjaturtles]

I am trying to understand ....what faboilousgirl is saying is that, from his actions, it was obvious he was not showing much passion/enthausiasm about them.

 

Something like that happened to me, everything was fine with my ex when he trvalled home for 3 weeks to be with his family. When he got there, he was the one calling for the 1st few days, and suddenly he changed drastically..would not contact me unless i contacted him, would not talk to me the way he would normally etc. When he got back, we were suppsed to see before he went to uni (which is about 3 hours from where i stay)..this guys said he was not coming to see me anymore..and went to uni.

 

Sometimes, its better not to postpone the unievitable..plus a lot of females lower thier value. If someone is unsure that he/she wants to be with you, why should you be pinning and begging! It should be mutual or mabe 55%/45%...?

So darkzen could you plsss expantiate on what you mean?

Cos i like what faboulous girl did......if he wants you he will call you and talk to you....i am tired of being dissapoitned...relationships need effort from both sides. ...why do people run when the reality of relationships start to show? Everything cant be perfect? can it? and if you really want to be with the person....whats stopping each party from working things out....(except one party is a psycho).

 

Anyway, faboulousgirl, keep doing your thing, you wil find someone who will be willing to give in as much as you are wiling to give in...xxxx

 

stay strong.im goin thru a breakup so similar to yours..i am not saying i was perfect..maybe i could have been more patient..but is it wrong to tell your boyfriend that 'you dont like to feel alone when you're not alone'?..is it worng to tell your boyfriend that 'he should treat you like his better half, instead of ignoring you'? sigh.......xxx (sorry to hijack your thread sweeties.lol)

 

 

stay strong....it will be fine and NEVER lower your standards for any man. You're worth it!!!!

[fabulousgal]

You have to be leaving out a lot. Why does he have to try harder to initiate contact?

 

I'd say that he's just tired of the double standards and wanted out. You may have been tired of somethings too. Using the excuse of him not showing you "something", when you saw him, as justification. Although, based on your story, I'd say something is "fishy" on both sides. Sorry but I don't offer support to people just because... especially if I feel that they are due a portion of the blame. I'm still confused as to why you need support... did you do something special? You walked out of a break-up, one in which your ex didn't want to be with you anymore (the verdict is still out on whether he left you unreasonably). Continue to move on and try to prevent the mistakes you made in the past (like the double standards and vast ego).

 

These are my opinions and you probably won't like them (or me), but life isn't fair or perfect. I won't give people support if I feel they're wrong. I'm not saying your ex is perfect, but from what you've described... I don't think you're much better.

 

Actually no I am not leaving out much at all. I don't really understand your post, no I'm not perfect never said I was, but I am damn genuine and have a huge heart. I would have done a lot to work on my relationship, but can one person do all the work of two? No its not fair. If you wanted out of a situation, would you make plans to be a houseguest for several days and be affectionate? There is no doubt in my mind that the problem of this relationship is I took working on it much more to heart than him. Is it his fault? Maybe not 100%, but given the circumstances of our relationship it seems silly not to try again.

 

Anyway, thanks for your insight, and I'm not begging for your support. Your post however is a little ridiculous, this is a forum where you can ask me more questions about my story and give your opinons one way or the other....but you never asked you just assumed.

[ninjaturtles]

I understand what you are going through.

I dont mean to sound conceited, but i am a pretty girl, decent and foused career wise...and in the past i put in too much into the relationship..actually i wont say too much, i would say i put in more than he was putting in!

It hurts when people dont realise that it so so unselfish not to try to work on things, relationships etc.

 

my last relationship for eg...God knows i have a huge heart, i may argue sometimes but he knew how much i cared for himmand how much i was willing to put in.....iv been reading a book called...'why men love bitches'.....but on 2nd thoughts, do i really want to change from being a cargin warm person..to being a bitch? I dont know..

 

I guess someone will appreciate you and give in as much as you give in in the future..i am just taking my time now cos i am honestly fed up of having my heart toiled with!!

 

stay strong..the truth is..if one party is not willing to work on the relationship...then there is only a limit to how far it can go.

 

No one is perfect , it has to do with him not wanting to work things out....whatever reasons he has...but time will heal wounds and you never know he may re appear after somtime...

 

either way just stay strong and keep us informed of daily stuff.xxxx

[Darkzen]

The point I'm making is that wanting him to make the effort to contact you is childish and a double standard. Relationships aren't competitions about who does what more. Maybe he was busy or didn't feel the need to constantly call you... just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have your own life. In-fact, when this isn't the case, problems like this ensue.

 

My ex tried to pull the same crap, "You don't call me enough". Except it's all selective to suit her. Because the minute I listed off the times I did call her or contact her, she suddenly remembered and had no argument... so she started to bring up some other aspect that she didn't like. I'm willing to bet Fabgal's situation is very similar. You probably started bitching at him for not contacting you "enough" and he said to himself "screw this". Then you expect him to show you something, why should he? I bet he doesn't want to deal with your craziness anymore. Stop creating all this strife in your head, enjoy what you do have... not complain that you don't have it all. You can easily spend your entire life seeking perfection and never find it.

 

Silly not to try again, you say? It's silly to try again if nothing has changed. Did you tell him that you would work on your unrealistic expectations? A relationship is a two way street, until you're willing to consider things from your SO's perspective... don't bother getting into a relationship expecting anything other than failure. Relationships are give and take, hardly ever equal and have enough problems without creating ones unnecessarily.

 

As for the supportive thing... you're right, I confused something said in another thread about you asking for support. Either way, my points still stands.

 

In summary. You're wasting your time, unless you're also willing to make changes. No relationship is easy and all require give, take, compromise and effort.

[sao2]

It seemed to me like she was willing to make changes he just had enough. Sometimes expectations are unrealistic, and sometimes they are not. Maybe her's weren't unrealistic, maybe they were. That is not really for us to decide now is it.

 

Sounds to me like she was trying to compromise and he wasn't. She has a right to be upset and sad about that.

 

Sounds like you are taking a bit of your anger towards your ex out on her. You can be as upset as you want about that but even if you convinced her that she was wrong that is not going to change your situation. Just let her be upset here. When it's over it's over and the time for lessons has passed.

[fabulousgal]

The point I'm making is that wanting him to make the effort to contact you is childish and a double standard. Relationships aren't competitions about who does what more. Maybe he was busy or didn't feel the need to constantly call you... just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to have your own life. In-fact, when this isn't the case, problems like this ensue.

 

My ex tried to pull the same crap, "You don't call me enough". Except it's all selective to suit her. Because the minute I listed off the times I did call her or contact her, she suddenly remembered and had no argument... so she started to bring up some other aspect that she didn't like. I'm willing to bet Fabgal's situation is very similar. You probably started bitching at him for not contacting you "enough" and he said to himself "screw this". Then you expect him to show you something, why should he? I bet he doesn't want to deal with your craziness anymore. Stop creating all this strife in your head, enjoy what you do have... not complain that you don't have it all. You can easily spend your entire life seeking perfection and never find it.

 

Silly not to try again, you say? It's silly to try again if nothing has changed. Did you tell him that you would work on your unrealistic expectations? A relationship is a two way street, until you're willing to consider things from your SO's perspective... don't bother getting into a relationship expecting anything other than failure. Relationships are give and take, hardly ever equal and have enough problems without creating ones unnecessarily.

 

As for the supportive thing... you're right, I confused something said in another thread about you asking for support. Either way, my points still stands.

 

In summary. You're wasting your time, unless you're also willing to make changes. No relationship is easy and all require give, take, compromise and effort.

 

Um my dear, you know nothing about my story and you can ask before you make judgments. We went weeks without talking at times. For one month we didn't even hear eachothers voice. This would be diffcult for anyone. Honey, I ain't crazy. Please don't take your anger out on your ex on me. I was very willing to go the extra mile and then some for him. I offered to just make a communication plan so it would be easier on the two of us. I even apologized profusley and detailed where I could make improvements in some of the things I did wrong. I admit I could have done a few things differently. Why don't you ask me first before assuming I was some nag. I am extremely reasonable and level headed, and frankly for it to be a relationship there wasn't enough communcation (literally, like I said weeks, without speaking or contact), there was hardly ANY.

 

Off my thread please unless you want to ASK before attacking me, no hard feelings.

 

I came back and edited this post bc I know your story and don't think you have room to be so judgemental, but I don't want to resort to mudslinging. At the end of this, my above statement stands. Get the facts then give opinon.

 

Thanks to everyone who has posted on my thread. I do feel good that I stood up for myself.

[ninjaturtles]

You sound bitter about your ex.......all women need and want attention....its a fact.....

 

She said she went weeks without talking to him...!!! I went just a few days and i complained..talkless about weeks.......

 

Thats something to be very upset about.

 

Anyway, please lets not turn this into a fighting ring..any bitter feelings about the ex should not be vented in LS....

 

stay stron fabgirl.xx

[Darkzen]

Um my dear, you know nothing about my story and you can ask before you make judgments. We went weeks without talking at times. For one month we didn't even hear eachothers voice. This would be diffcult for anyone. Honey, I ain't crazy. Please don't take your anger out on your ex on me. I was very willing to go the extra mile and then some for him. I offered to just make a communication plan so it would be easier on the two of us. I even apologized profusley and detailed where I could make improvements in some of the things I did wrong. I admit I could have done a few things differently. Why don't you ask me first before assuming I was some nag. I am extremely reasonable and level headed, and frankly for it to be a relationship there wasn't enough communcation (literally, like I said weeks, without speaking or contact), there was hardly ANY.

 

Off my thread please unless you want to ASK before attacking me, no hard feelings.

 

I came back and edited this post bc I know your story and don't think you have room to be so judgemental, but I don't want to resort to mudslinging. At the end of this, my above statement stands. Get the facts then give opinon.

 

Thanks to everyone who has posted on my thread. I do feel good that I stood up for myself.

 

It's called the communication process. You made a statement, I interpreted it and now you're clarifying. My opinion still hasn't changed though. Based on your reaction, it's only become more concrete.

 

As for not hearing one another's voice for a month... is it really that big of a deal? I'm sure there were other communication methods that you did use, during that span. Is it really that vital to talk to your SO? I'd have to wonder why personally... time flies, especially if you're busy. If you have a life of your own, I don't see the big deal. Besides, my point still stands, what prevented you from making the contact. Maybe, just maybe... he didn't have much to talk to you about at the time. Relationships need good communication to do well IMHO... this doesn't necessarily mean frequent communication though.

 

Extremely reasonable and level-headed, you say. I'd have to strongly disagree with that observation. If you had used reason, you'd have realized that opinions are based on your actions and words. If you were level-headed, you'd have realized that it's an opinion and that if it's not accurate... it shouldn't bother you... aka letting both aspects of your mind weigh-in on the subject before responding (emotions and logic). You explained your situation and I responded based on what you said, then when you didn't like my words, you got defensive.

 

Just because you started a thread, doesn't give you the right to control how people choose to respond. Merely another piece of evidence that supports my observations (you have an ego problem).

 

My story obviously jades my opinion... but so does yours... don't be a hypocrite because you don't like what I have to say. As for being judgmental, pot meet kettle. I'm sorry, but I'm blunt and have no time for games in a conversation... if you don't want to hear things that differ from your PoV, then don't post in a public forum.

 

Overall, every reaction you've shown, only further cements my opinion of you. The funny part is that my opinion really shouldn't matter to you... when I feel that I'm in the right, I could care less what people think of me. I do thoroughly enjoy conversation though, especially when it evokes raw emotion... then I really get to see who and what that person is all about, without the games.

 

Lastly I'm not taking my anger, due to my ex, out on you. Maybe I just don't like people such as yourself and the fallacy that you spread. I'm not the type of person that will pat a person on the back, for doing something that I feel is wrong. I will however tell you that you're wrong, in the faint hope that you might realize it and act accordingly... it sucks being an idealist sometimes.

[Darkzen]

You sound bitter about your ex.......all women need and want attention....its a fact.....

 

She said she went weeks without talking to him...!!! I went just a few days and i complained..talkless about weeks.......

 

Thats something to be very upset about.

 

Anyway, please lets not turn this into a fighting ring..any bitter feelings about the ex should not be vented in LS....

 

stay stron fabgirl.xx

 

I'm bitter because I don't think women should flip out, when they don't get adequate attention?

 

I've gone weeks without talking to my SO, didn't really have anything to talk about... that's part of a LDR at times. It's different if you see the person everyday or live close by. If you have a life outside of the relationship, it's not a big deal.

 

No it's not something to be very upset about... it's trivial in the grand scheme of life.

 

A difference of opinion and an argument, do not equal a fighting ring. As for venting bitter feelings regarding an ex... look around, there's an entire forum dedicated to it on LS (Break-ups). Regardless though, I'm not venting about my ex... I'm venting my difference of opinion. Bringing up my ex, was used as an example... nothing more.

[funkybassplayer]

i think you make a fair point, and this whole thing is about seeking answers and help, but ultimatly its about writting whats in your mind, and looking for ways to become a better person. Ecry1 is entitleld to an outside life, i had my music gigs and my ex had her freinds, but if you use that outside life to provoke a reaction ie my ex went clubbing alot, and made it clear that she would get and be chatted up, with i felt hurt about, and if i never called her sometimes, or changed plans even by a few hours, it was a major crises. People like this are very inscure and i guess as we are not, it becomes hard to deal with the projection of anger towards us for what we think is no big a deal what so ever. If you post here, expect to ear things you may not like, as well as support, but at the end, its you and you alone who knows the real truth, and its for you to act on it. No point in getting angry over different opinions, just suck them up, and if you find that you have to argue cos you dont like that opinion, maybe this is a sighn that you have to work on this aspect of yourself. We cant always be right, and sometimes you have to agree to differ.

[sao2]

For some people not talking to their SO for a month is a big deal, even if they do have a life of their own.

 

Part of being in a relationship is compromise, if something is a big deal to one person then the other should at least consider it. On the other hand sometimes one person is asking too much of the other.

 

Whether that is what happened is ultimately up to the people involved and normally because they can't agree on an answer is why breakups like these happen.

 

Sometimes we break up because someone is asking too much of us, sometimes we break up because someone is not providing what we ask. Same story, different viewpoints.

[Diplok]

Fabulous gal, don't pay attention to the negative comments posted by people taking out their frustrations on you. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!!

 

I don't care what you did wrong in the relationship, the bottom line is you felt unappreciated and your partner did nothing about it. Someone that loves you would not treat you that way.

[marlena]

Fabgal,

 

A relationship is indeed a two way street where mutual needs are met and understood. I do not think you were being irrational or over demanding by simply expecting to hear from your boyfriend more often. I would do the same. A relationship is not viable when one of the two parties is constantly emotionally absent or unavailable. I think you gave it your best shot but unfortunately your attempt to communicate in words fell on deaf ears. This is not a good foundation for any kind of relationship, let alone a romantic one.

 

Personally, I think that for you age (I'm much older than you) you have a good head on your shoulders in so far as that you were able to detect the shortcomings of this relationship and walk away in dignity. I think you gave it a fair amount of time and tried the best you could. But indeed it does take two to tango!

 

If there's is one thing I tell my daughter it is to get out of a relationship early on if she discerns problems or overwhelming obstacles from the start. In my experience, people tell you who they are right from the beginning. We just choose to overlook the obvious because it is convenient for us in some way.

 

Perpetuating problems is never a good idea in a relationship. Things should be resolved as they appear and if they can't then it's time to call it quits.

 

Once again, cudos to you for trying to get through to your boyfriend and asserting yourself and cudos to you for getting out when you realized you were hitting your head against a brick wall.

 

You'll be fine!

[fabulousgal]

You guys rock!!!!!! That means a lot to me, when I wake up and see that I can talk to people about this (you know how it gets, don't want to talk to your friends over and over about it).

 

That's really cool. Thank You.

 

Darkzen, I don't know who you think your talking to but as far as having a life, hahaha.....I'm like the socialite of the year (TP/Aria wanna weigh in here???), trust I have plenty of friends, actvities, etc etc .... and no this isn't DEFENDING myself, this is telling someone who jumps the gun to calm down and ask first. Anyway, thanks for your opinons though.

 

You were in the military correct? Thats my guess as to why you didn't talk to someone very often. That is a very reasonable thing then! But, what if there wasn't this noble thing going on that is incredibly demanding. What if there were no demands at all, and the person was pretty much "lollygagging" from place to place....I think the amount of time that SO can be fit in increases, bc responsibilities are exponentially decreased from what you are probably referring to. Anyway, thanks for serving our country, it means a lot.

 

Have a happy day everyone! The reasons we are all here are the same, but our opinons can be different. At the end of the day though, its a place where we can all come and you know SOMEONE (we may not like who all the time haha) will hear you out. I've made some dope friends on here, and look forward to making more! Thanks for the love in my time of needin it!