compassion42 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I met my friend/pseudo boyfriend about 4 months ago online. He initiated the first contact. He lives about an hour and a half away and is a divorced father of two. Currently he is trying to get custody of his daughter and is working hard to make this happen. This coupled with his work and other obligations makes a relationship virtually impossible according to him. He says that although he wants a relationship with me, he can't right now because he knows he won't be able to devote enough time and energy to the relationship while doing everything else. I respect this but can't help but wonder if I were doing something differently perhaps he could be motivated to make room for a relationship with me? He said he hopes that I can wait until the timing is right but life is sooooo short and I wonder if I will end up wasting too much time waiting? We talk on the phone,email and text several times a day. Pretty much we have only seen eachother once or twice a month...I wish it were more. This man is wonderful in so many ways....I see a great deal of potential in our future and feel that I can't just let him go.(oh and we are intimate when we get together) Are there any suggestions on how I can woo him into wanting more now rather than later?
OpenBook Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Yes. Men try to draw you in closer when you move AWAY FROM, not toward, the relationship. I suggest seeing other people, and do not revolve your life around this man. For one thing (and the most important reason), it's not healthy for you. For another, it would make him feel pressured. Men do not like feeling pressured. I would not mention this approach to him either, unless HE specifically brings it up in conversation and pressures you to answer. Even then, I would give him a very brief, light answer. Like, "Hey we just started seeing each other..." and let your voice trail off. Less is more.
Author compassion42 Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Thanks OpenBook. I agree that pressuring him is not the answer. Do I tell him that I'm dating other people or do I just do it since we are not exclusive? I had actually made the mistake of letting him know that I stopped dating other people because it felt wrong to me because we were seeing eachother. I bet that was a big mistake,right?
Krytie TV Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Why do so many people try to force square pegs into round holes? This is absolutely the most fascinating thing that I witness over and over again on LS. Apparently I would have women seek me out more if I was more unavailable. Interesting. Is the key to attracting women telling them that you're unavailable. Help me understand what makes people try to force a relationship where there isn't one when there are plenty of other people actually looking to spend time with someone? This is a completely masochistic personality trait.
Author compassion42 Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Krytie-I'm not really trying to "force" a relationship where there isn't one. I feel like we do already have a relationship-just not the exclusive kind that I am wanting. If I didn't see the potential for an incredible relationship I wouldn't be feeling this way. I just want to do this thing right and am not quite sure how to go about that. I do feel like there are certain things that women can do to attract a man as well as things that can make him run for the hills-I'm trying to figure out what some of those things are.
Krytie TV Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 But from what you say, the issue is not about you but more about his lifestyle and his kids. If this is true, what makes you think anything you do would affect that? Why do you put the responsibility on you to "win" him? Is that really worth it? It almost always is just delaying the inevitable.
Author compassion42 Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 I know, you're right Krytie. But I want him to see what he may be missing out on. It's an LDR so I think it complicates things a bit in that respect too. I don't think it's delaying the inevitable-it's called TRYING. Krytie,You made the comment about whether it would attract women if a man were to say he was unavailable and honestly in some ways I think it does! It's human nature to desire what seems to be unattainable.
OpenBook Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Thanks OpenBook. I agree that pressuring him is not the answer. Do I tell him that I'm dating other people or do I just do it since we are not exclusive? I had actually made the mistake of letting him know that I stopped dating other people because it felt wrong to me because we were seeing eachother. I bet that was a big mistake,right? Nope, no biggie. And no, I don't think you owe him any explanation. He has already told you... He says that although he wants a relationship with me, he can't right now because he knows he won't be able to devote enough time and energy to the relationship while doing everything else. So my advice would be, don't say anything about it at all. If he brings it up, be light and evasive. Whatever you do, don't act like it's a big, heavy, important newsflash that you just HAVE to tell him. Just do it!! And in fact, don't be big/heavy/important about anything with him. He has already communicated that he can't get serious. Take him at his word. Believe me, he will pick up on the changes in your attitude. And his reaction to it will tell you everything you need to know about him, and whether it's worth it for you to keep seeing him.
Author compassion42 Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Thanks again OpenBook. I am going to try your suggestions. I like how you said that I should "take him at his word" in regard to him not having time for a relationship. I know you're right.
Kamille Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Your reply on my thread made me curious as to what is happening with you. It's now been awhile since you posted this and I hope you won't mind my chipping in three weeks late but I have a few questions. I guess the first question would be, how are things now? My second question is: why force things? Can you not just enjoy the relationship as it is now? Why do you feel the impetus to make it move in a certain direction?
Author compassion42 Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Kamille, Thanks for checking on my thread:). I am still struggling with the issue of wanting more from my relationship. I try very hard to take the advice given because I do believe that it is good advice. But then after awhile I cave and will do something like call him if I haven't heard from him instead of waiting for him to seek me out. I have started to date other people again and that is a good step. I'm trying to accept our relationship for what it is now but I really have a hard time not being exclusive-especially if I am intimate with someone. I still think he's a great guy and am trying to just go with the flow and not push for more.
troutie jr Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Why do so many people try to force square pegs into round holes? This is absolutely the most fascinating thing that I witness over and over again on LS. Apparently I would have women seek me out more if I was more unavailable. Interesting. Is the key to attracting women telling them that you're unavailable. Help me understand what makes people try to force a relationship where there isn't one when there are plenty of other people actually looking to spend time with someone? This is a completely masochistic personality trait. Right on Bro! This post should stand alone on this Forum It says it all!
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