I am feeling so sad ...

[amythan]

I am feeling difficult to handle all this. We broke up early september and we continue talking by email every day. I found this very hard but i wanted to keep him in my life as a friend. Now i realized i just wanted to be around hopping he will change his mind. Big mistake.

 

He does not want a relationship with someone living abroad and even if I can move easily he said that he does not want to try because in his life it is not room for a commitment now. He should fix his personal goals an he thinks it is unfair to make me go. There are additional problems as he is much younger than me. I always tried to convince him but now I think that perhaps reality is that he does not love me enough.

 

We spoke for two hours this morning. This is why i am feeling so bad. He was so sweet but he was clear. He cannot be with me now. I asked him if this is over forever because i need to forget him and he said you know i have feelings for you and i cannot tell you this except if you want me to lie.

i told him that this situation is very difficult for me and i need to move on, which means he is going to lose me. Both were crying but he is not changing his mind.

 

I do not know what this means but i cannot hold on someone who does not love me enough to try and who knows i deeply care about him. I decided to do not contact him anymore because it would mean keep holding on something that perhaps never happen. He also find this situation difficult to handle. But i do not know how can i resist without sharing with him all good and bad things in my life. Stupid things we used to talk about. I think of him every second and now I feel so empty that i can not stop crying.

 

I do not think he will be back so it is no point to waste my life caring about someone who does not want this love but my heart is fighting with my head .. and i just want to beg him to be back again and again.

 

i do not understand his words. He says i care, he cannot say it is over forever .. why he does not make things easier and says just move on ..

 

i need your advise, i do not know if i am doing right or if i am just pushing him away .. i would like so much be with him. He is all what i want. I just want to be happy as i used to be. We are always laughing and even this morning we talked about lots of things and we were so good together ..

 

I find your comments very supportive and they make feel less lonely. Thank you.

[Jmina]

and yet he is still not with you.

 

actions do speak louder than words.

i wouldnt be listening to anything except for the words" i love you i want you back" and then wait for the actions to follow.

 

if its not that then see you later.

 

reminicing of good times is nice for them, and makes them feel better about themselves, but all it does for you is hold on to something that isnt there.

 

he will be back if your meant to be together.

 

work on yourself so you either move on and dont need him

or move on and then if he comes back your a new and improved version of yourself with no baggage.

 

he would have to do the same.

 

you couldnt start again if one or both of you had bad feelings about the old relationship, you wouldnt feel secure that it would be lasting. you both need to come together as whole people to make it work.

 

so for yourself stay in NC and get better. that should be your mission.

 

not to get back together with him, but to move on and be happy. and if he does come back on the plus side you would have worked yourself out already for a good relationship. just like with anybody.

 

if you have something to say, i would say it so you dont have to live your life wondering. at least then if it is something you dont want to hear you can heal from it and move on. you can never move on from wondering though. (keep anything nasty to yourself though. this will not make you feel better!)

 

Jmina

[amythan]

Jmina,

Thank you for your message.

You are right, actions speak louder than words and he visibly does not have enough feelings to work on this relationship. He has good excuses to think there is no future here but at the end of the day, they are just excuses. I love him so much that i was blind but reality is he does not love me enough.

 

I do not have any hard feelings and nothing nasty to say. We always discuss as friends who care about each other and i appreciate that. He will always be important in my life and i do not have regrets. I am just feeling sad, lonely and left but i cannot blame him for do not love me.

 

Actually he does but not enough. And this is the reason why this is so difficult for both of us. We like to talk and he told me this morning, if i did not have feelings i would not talk to you during hours. I trust him, i do not have any good reason to don't.

 

I just want him back because i miss him, because i think of him every morning and every evening, because he makes me laugh and feel beutiful. I am in love with him and it is very difficult to accept that he is not here anymore.

 

I know i should stay NC but i am not sure I can. I am already want to text him.

[amythan]

I texted him .. i can not help it .. i am making a fool of myself .. i am feeling without any self-respect. Why am i becoming this pathetic person ? I was not like that, i was a very funny girl, smart and confident and now .. I am a shadow of that.

 

He is not coming back, right? He told me it is not you, i could not be possible with anyone right now .. Why is this so hurtful? I lost him for good but i am still wondering if he will be back.

 

How can i deal with all these feelings ? How can i go tomorrow to work if we exchanged twenty emails per day ? We were not together but we still do .. i do not feel the NC thing possible because i want him in my life. But i know it is the correct thing to do ..

[Jmina]

heck girl!

 

you need to get a grip on yourself.

this boy is HAVING HIS CAKE AND EATING IT TOO...

 

It is totally not fair on you. i know you are in love with him. i know just what it is like. (the whole reason i am on this board) but he is not in love with you.

 

what are you going to do when someone new comes along to him...he will drop you like you never meant anything to him at all.

 

then you will feel even MORE pathetic, and even more hopeless.

 

why would you want anyone that you had to beg for? or someone that you constantly had to have within your reach just so they know you love them in case they change their mind.

 

If he wants to be with you, he will make it clear.

 

get a hold of yourself and the next time you want to msg him sit through it. cry through it. punch a pillow, scream, roll around on the floor it absolute gripping emotinal pain but dont send it. soon your tears will come to halt and the feeling will pass in an hour or so. then you know that you have beat it for the first time. and you can do it again and again then in a few weeks instead of the intensity of NEEDING to talk to him that will be gone and then you deal with what is left on your plate. you just would have gained piece of inner strength! the more you do it, the stronger you get. if you mess it up then you just start all over again.

 

if you pray to be stronger your not suddenly given strength...your given opportunities to gain strength.

 

if your being offered a chance to become a stronger person then take it.

 

its what i did and it has helped me more than i ever would have imagined.

 

i hate being needy and pathetic, and so does my ex.

 

you hate it, and its not that fun for your ex either.

 

stay strong!!

 

 

keep posting

hope i have helped or given some direction.

 

Jmina

[amythan]

Jmina,

 

It is good to have someone who remind me what I already know but i did not want to accept. I hate to beg him and i know it is nothing I can do if he does not love me. It took me a while to realize that he has not the feelings I have. I gave it so much thought because he is confusing me.

 

I know this could seem an excuse but it is true. He is always saying i have feelings for you, I care if you go out with other people, i am looking forward to speaking to you ... and so on. He said he can not push me away because he has many feelings for me but now i think he is feeling guilty and perhaps he miss our talks. Or perhaps he wants me to be around until he finds someone else. And then I will feel even worse.

 

He is not helping me even though he is supposed to do it. I did wrong and i txt him but right after i felt so bad that i decided to stop this nightmare right now and focus on my life. I explained him yesterday how it is very difficult for me to talk with him all day long. We chat, we have small talk, we flirt .. and if i want to move on this should stop. Result: he txt me yesterday very late saying Gd nite sweety, many many special kisses. Why is he messing with me ??

 

I saw the txt this morning and i felt my tears start again but I did not reply. No need to lose even more self-respect. Today will be very difficult, working days are the worst - ten hours in front of my computer sawing him on line .. I hope it would be fine, i do not want to be this person anymore but i still miss him terribly.

[Jmina]

i agree with how hard it can be.

 

ohhh do i know the pain you are in.

 

 

but you need to take steps to make him disaper.

 

if he isnt going to do it for you then you need to do it.

delete him off your list on your computer email so you cant see his name

 

this is for your own sake.

 

it will help.

 

if you know what are the hardest times then you need to manage those times to your benefit

 

 

he needs to decide whether he is with you or not with you.

he cant say hes not with you and then text you sweetheart messags.

what an ass! how cruel! he thinks he is being nice, but really it is pulling on your heart strings.

 

"many many special kisses"

this sounds like he wants to make you feel special so he feels better about leaving you.

 

he is defenetely feeling guilty, and your probably making him feel guilty by not leaving him alone.

 

do yourselves a favour and delete him out your phone email and take steps to find who you are again.

 

write

cry

be with friends

do what you love to do

stay busy in the day

cry at night

treat yourself very kindly

dont become bitter

keep your heart open

you both did your best at any given time so there is no need to place blame on anyone whether it is him or yourself so just remember the good times and leave it at that and think about what you need to do next.

 

the sadness will start to disolve over time if you keep up the things that make you laugh

 

dont rush your healing all the advice i have offered you are things to do and rememeber over the next 6 months at least.

 

 

 

Jmina

[sedgwick]

His confusing texts won't make you feel any better, and he's being cruel by saying things like "many many special kisses." You don't break up with someone and then tell them that. Who knows what's up with this guy, but you don't need it. I know how much it hurts -- believe me, I do -- but the only way I've been able to get my life and any sort of self-esteem back since mine broke up with me is to block his number, block his emails, and just simply NOT CONTACT HIM. I don't even want to know if he's trying to contact me -- he broke up with me, he lost me. That's that. The only way I would speak with him again is if he made a huge effort to win me back, and I'm talking showing up on my doorstep with flowers, on his knees.

 

It hurts not to contact them, but the longer you go without doing so, the better you feel about yourself. I promise.

[amythan]

Thanks a lot for all your support. It is a very difficult day, but I am proud of myself. I got very good news at work and I would like to share it with him but I understood that it is no reason to do it. He will be happy but i will feel sad, so keeping in NC.

 

During last weeks I spent so much time thinking about why and trying to understand his behavior. Also trying to understand mine. I think that my big mistake was that i never wanted to lose him and i did everything to keep him with me despite my happiness. I learnt something.

 

I cannot blocked him because we work together but I am trying to keep enough self-control to continue with my life. I am still wondering if he will be back and if he loves me. And I think he does but he is not ready to try because it would mean I move and it means to have a commitment which he is not ready to accept. He is scared if things go wrong in four months, he will feel responsible. Perhaps just excuses. Perhaps it is not important anymore. I am missing him, he made me laugh so much ! Today is weird without our teasing emails ..

 

But we cannot be friends right now. I think he wants me around just in case .. He told me yesterday I cannot tell you it is over forever except if you want me to lie .. If I didn't care it would be easier and i would not spend hours with you at the phone .. Maybe or perhaps just feeling guilty. I do not know what it means but I am tired and I cannot hold on on these words. I am tired of feeling stupid and making a fool of myself.

 

One day will be easier, I hope.

[amythan]

Such a horrible day .. I am so ridiculous here crying on my desk .. and why ? Because I had the bad idea to read the email i sent him two weeks ago explaining how I feel. It was beautiful, not hurtful, not demanding and very fair. He replied saying that I did not deserve an answer by email, he wanted to talk to me during the weekend. And during the week after he send me emails like 'I thought of u this morning', 'U know i am looking forward to speak to u .. i didn't want to say it' .. And I thought he will come back !! Yes, I thought that, so now all the work already done from our real break up is over .. I was convinced without any reason ..

 

I also wonder if I did something to push him away, if it is my fault .. I know, this is pointless and I am just torturing myself .. At least I am not contacting him, and you can believe me it is the thing I want more now .. But i will not do .. No want to be shamed.

[amythan]

I am wondering about the NC situation. I know contact him could be messy but stop all contact, is it not rude ? I mean, he is important to me and i would like him in my life as a friend - perhaps this is not possible right now but i do not want to push him away of my life forever .. I do not want to do something which ruin even a friendly relationship in the long term ..

 

It is up to me, I explained him how this is hard for me and he said for him too .. so he will not contact me except i do ..

 

I red some posts saying than NC is the only way to have him back .. I am not holding on this but, do you think if we stay LC i am burning all my chances ?

 

Little bit confused, perhaps just not being honest with myself ... Missing him. He goes on holiday next week, me too .. Too much say 'enjoy and have a great time' ?