Question: why are OM/OW cheaters here?

October 21, 2007

I posted this on another persons thread but thought maybe it would be a great topic and spark some discussion. Maybe it can provide the gap between the one who cheats vs the ones who don't!

Maybe this will sound like I am picking on someone but I'm really not. I was just wondering after reading these threads and the different posts that a couple of people on here are (choose my words carefully) somewhat arrogant about them being the "cheater" and ending up with MM/OM. This is my question...why are you here in Infidelity thread? If you are as HAPPY as you say why be in this thread with others who are devasted by the betrayal of their SO? I'm confused, or is anyone else wondering this? Not saying you cannot be in here I am just wondering. A bigger question when we (including me) are pouring our hearts out are you secretly laughing because you were "a part" of an affair and YOU get something sick out of it? Just a thought that keeps haunting me so why not get it out in the open and get a "discussion" going?

abeliever

October 21, 2007

I wanted to say before I get blasted by at least two of you that I know will go off the deep end over this topic. This is a question not judging you. I like others come here for comfort and sometimes I see that a few are very uncaring at times then to learn that those same persons were former cheaters is disappointing. I came here with the impression I was meeting others like me. So I thougth this would be a great discussion and maybe we can all learn from each other?

That is my hope.

abeliever

October 21, 2007

Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Hi there ABeliever.....I don't know if you are referring to someone in particular or if you feel in general that the OW/OM should stay in their 'own' forum but I, for one, come on to both sites and post in both sites depending on the thread. I am always respectful of the topics being discussed and never want anyone to think I am either judging or needing to be judged. The heading (above) says "if you are in an affair...." so obviously that includes the OW/OM (as it takes 2).

I think if you read the posts from both forums you will see that many OW have, at some point, also been the BS, so they have insight to share in the topics being discussed and, in some cases, can understand what each side is going through....also, I truly don't believe the BS and the OW are really as far apart as we want to believe we are. Both the BS and the OW are in love (and trying to please) a man that is probably not deserving of either woman! The differences, well, I guess those are obvious.

I think a large part of WHY OW/OM participate in the Infidelity section also includes trying to understand their MM/MW on some level that they know they are not getting from that person and also to answer the questions we all ask...."Why does he/she stay?", "Is the marriage really the way he/she says?", etc. Although there may be a few who actually get a thrill at knowing their actions are causing pain, I know that many just need to understand (again, the BS and the OM/OW are not that different here!)

Many BS go onto the OW/OM forum and, in all truth, those threads can become VERY nasty and judgmental. I must say, I don't see that when the OW/OM come onto the Infidelity threat (at least not in the posts I've read). At the end of the day, everyone is here for the same reason...to have a place to vent, to find people who can understand what we are going through, to find people who can offer support and guidance as we make our way down a well beaten path!

October 21, 2007

Consider this. Those that come to this site are the people in relationships who suffer from turmoil and pain.

It's kinda rare to see a cheating MM on the site. Dont get me wrong... there are a few, but rare in comparison!

October 21, 2007

It's kinda rare to see a cheating MM on the site.

Even more rare to see an OM on the site. I wonder what that says....

October 21, 2007

I post in both forums because I feel I have something to gain from both viewpoints and something to contribute to both.

I come to both forums to understand how such heartbreak can bring out the worst or best in human nature.

I know for a fact that there are 'happy endings' on both sides of this fence, but that, more often than not, at least one human heart is broken.

I am concerned about the potential for rudeness and "holier than thou" sermons.

In my Creator's eyes, we are all equal and worthy of grace.

Everybody is different and that's what contributes to life's richness.

If our Creator wanted us all to be the same, s/he would have granted us all loving, caring, supportive families and relationships.

Perhaps we all have something to learn about ourselves in every unpleasant experience.

October 21, 2007

Ok, maybe I didn't choose the right words, jeez! I hit a nerve already and that was not my intention. I personally saw some rude things being said to someone who was asking for help. And to me I saw some in a round about way presented that maybe the spouse who was cheated on that it was their fault for one reason or another. And then things being said by others that they are not sorry about their decisions. It was hard for me personally to see this being said to a person in need. At that point I felt it was shocking and rude. Guess I was the only one. That's all. I wanted to make others aware. It was probably the last thing they wanted to hear. But that is just me.

I was unaware there was "former cheaters" on here and I was simply shocked. I do not think I am better than a cheater but I am different and choose to do things differently, that is all. I could never do what my H did to me then lie to my face while he saw I was devasted and still continued to do it. It haunts me to this day. Its just a different type of person who can and will do it as oppose to a person who wouldn't ever consider doing it? Its my opinion not the gospel.

I have respected each and every opinion here and will continue to keep an open mind. I was wondering if I was the only one who thought people with situations like mine was on here? Then to find out that people like my H are giving us advice? Like I said I am shocked that "former cheaters" would want to "try" to help people like us? Which makes me wonder if I am in the right place?

abeliever

October 21, 2007

I have respected each and every opinion here and will continue to keep an open mind. I was wondering if I was the only one who thought people with situations like mine was on here? Then to find out that people like my H are giving us advice? Like I said I am shocked that "former cheaters" would want to "try" to help people like us? Which makes me wonder if I am in the right place?

abeliever

I don't know what is so shocking about 'former cheaters' and such would try and help BS or vice versa. I see it as a good thing.

You should continue to keep an open mind.. maybe open up wider...

I am concerned about the potential for rudeness and "holier than thou" sermons.
In my Creator's eyes, we are all equal and worthy of grace.
Everybody is different and that's what contributes to life's richness.
If our Creator wanted us all to be the same, s/he would have granted us all loving, caring, supportive families and relationships.
Perhaps we all have something to learn about ourselves in every unpleasant experience.

Well said!

October 21, 2007

Maybe some of the OW's have been on both side of the fence, OW and the BS too......I have

October 21, 2007

Ok, maybe I didn't choose the right words, jeez! I hit a nerve already and that was not my intention. I personally saw some rude things being said to someone who was asking for help. And to me I saw some in a round about way presented that maybe the spouse who was cheated on that it was their fault for one reason or another. And then things being said by others that they are not sorry about their decisions. It was hard for me personally to see this being said to a person in need. At that point I felt it was shocking and rude. Guess I was the only one. That's all. I wanted to make others aware. It was probably the last thing they wanted to hear. But that is just me.

That and worse occurs on the OW/OM forum.

I was unaware there was "former cheaters" on here and I was simply shocked. I do not think I am better than a cheater but I am different and choose to do things differently, that is all. I could never do what my H did to me then lie to my face while he saw I was devasted and still continued to do it. It haunts me to this day. Its just a different type of person who can and will do it as oppose to a person who wouldn't ever consider doing it? Its my opinion not the gospel.

I do not see a judgement in your statement, and it gives me the impression that you are different than the people who post rude things on a support thread.

Every situation here is unique and I believe it's best to have many perspectives, in order to apply them appropriately. To assume that one's own situation and conclusions fit the definition of support for all similar scenarios seems arrogant.

I have respected each and every opinion here and will continue to keep an open mind. I was wondering if I was the only one who thought people with situations like mine was on here? Then to find out that people like my H are giving us advice? Like I said I am shocked that "former cheaters" would want to "try" to help people like us? Which makes me wonder if I am in the right place?

abeliever

I'm at at loss to see what, other than that one peculiarity distinguishes "people like" that from "people like us" ?

October 21, 2007

On the one hand you ask why there are cheaters and OW/Om giving advice here in this forum, on the other you post a thread with the following question "why do cheaters keep lying after they get caught?"

Exactly who did you expect to answer your thread topic if not cheaters themselves? Or were you only looking for answers from other betrayed spouses?

October 21, 2007

Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Hi there ABeliever.....I don't know if you are referring to someone in particular or if you feel in general that the OW/OM should stay in their 'own' forum but I, for one, come on to both sites and post in both sites depending on the thread. I am always respectful of the topics being discussed and never want anyone to think I am either judging or needing to be judged. The heading (above) says "if you are in an affair...." so obviously that includes the OW/OM (as it takes 2).

I think if you read the posts from both forums you will see that many OW have, at some point, also been the BS, so they have insight to share in the topics being discussed and, in some cases, can understand what each side is going through....also, I truly don't believe the BS and the OW are really as far apart as we want to believe we are. Both the BS and the OW are in love (and trying to please) a man that is probably not deserving of either woman! The differences, well, I guess those are obvious.

I think a large part of WHY OW/OM participate in the Infidelity section also includes trying to understand their MM/MW on some level that they know they are not getting from that person and also to answer the questions we all ask...."Why does he/she stay?", "Is the marriage really the way he/she says?", etc. Although there may be a few who actually get a thrill at knowing their actions are causing pain, I know that many just need to understand (again, the BS and the OM/OW are not that different here!)

Many BS go onto the OW/OM forum and, in all truth, those threads can become VERY nasty and judgmental. I must say, I don't see that when the OW/OM come onto the Infidelity threat (at least not in the posts I've read). At the end of the day, everyone is here for the same reason...to have a place to vent, to find people who can understand what we are going through, to find people who can offer support and guidance as we make our way down a well beaten path!

Extremely well said, Katanya!

October 21, 2007

I was wondering if I was the only one who thought people with situations like mine was on here? Then to find out that people like my H are giving us advice? Like I said I am shocked that "former cheaters" would want to "try" to help people like us? Which makes me wonder if I am in the right place?

abeliever

It may be exactly that people like your H are giving you the advice and information that you need. OW can help you as well. And there is no way in H*** I would ever enjoy causing pain for the W. We did not want to end up in the sitch we are in and take every precaution to keep it a secret so that no one gets hurt. However, I do wonder if knowing about me would help her improve her marriage.

October 21, 2007

Maybe one simple answer is that, withour cheaters and OM/OW, there wouldn't be any Infidelity. So an Infidelity Forum seems like it should have input from all the people involved. Are you proposing that there sould be a separate "Betrayed Spouse" forum?

Mr. Lucky

October 21, 2007

Some cheat because they can't help it- they always were flirts and never will change.

Some make mistakes. You can see that from various stories you read U guess.

In both cases, they are as unhappy as those that are been cheated upon.

It is a miserable place to be that gets both parties nowhere.

I posted this on another persons thread but thought maybe it would be a great topic and spark some discussion. Maybe it can provide the gap between the one who cheats vs the ones who don't!

Maybe this will sound like I am picking on someone but I'm really not. I was just wondering after reading these threads and the different posts that a couple of people on here are (choose my words carefully) somewhat arrogant about them being the "cheater" and ending up with MM/OM. This is my question...why are you here in Infidelity thread? If you are as HAPPY as you say why be in this thread with others who are devasted by the betrayal of their SO? I'm confused, or is anyone else wondering this? Not saying you cannot be in here I am just wondering. A bigger question when we (including me) are pouring our hearts out are you secretly laughing because you were "a part" of an affair and YOU get something sick out of it? Just a thought that keeps haunting me so why not get it out in the open and get a "discussion" going?

abeliever

October 22, 2007

Hi abeliever, I was thinking the same exact thing. I too have noticed what you are referring to.

I am glad you posted. I peruse all the forums and have noticed quite a few threads lately where, for example, a betrayed wife is pouring her heart out about her pain, then another member here will try to comfort her and say "don't worry-I doubt the affair will last" . Then a former other woman will come in and explain how her affair turned into a real relationshp, and how much better looking she is then the wife and how it was just upgrading for the husband.

It just seems very heartless and pointless to make that point in a thread started by a hurt spouse.

I'm thinking..."ummm and how is this helping the original poster? What is the point? Why rub salt in the wound?"

Then other posters try to move back to the original topic and the former other woman will still be fighting about how her and former married man are for real, how it is true love and they worked out and left the bitter spouse in the dust.

Another time-Same topic (sad bitter spouse shocked and sad)and an OW was posting about how the wife of her MM really deserved to be cheated on, she was such a nag, etc, etc, brought it on herself, etc etc.

Does a sad betrayed spouse really need to hear how you now have this super great relationship and how you know for a fact you are so much better looking? What is the point of doing that?

Certainly not to help the original poster...that is for sure.

October 22, 2007

Hi abeliever, I was thinking the same exact thing. I too have noticed what you are referring to.

I am glad you posted. I peruse all the forums and have noticed quite a few threads lately where, for example, a betrayed wife is pouring her heart out about her pain, then another member here will try to comfort her and say "don't worry-I doubt the affair will last" . Then a former other woman will come in and explain how her affair turned into a real relationshp, and how much better looking she is then the wife and how it was just upgrading for the husband.

It just seems very heartless and pointless to make that point in a thread started by a hurt spouse.

I'm thinking..."ummm and how is this helping the original poster? What is the point? Why rub salt in the wound?"

Then other posters try to move back to the original topic and the former other woman will still be fighting about how her and former married man are for real, how it is true love and they worked out and left the bitter spouse in the dust.

Another time-Same topic (sad bitter spouse shocked and sad)and an OW was posting about how the wife of her MM really deserved to be cheated on, she was such a nag, etc, etc, brought it on herself, etc etc.

Does a sad betrayed spouse really need to hear how you now have this super great relationship and how you know for a fact you are so much better looking? What is the point of doing that?

Certainly not to help the original poster...that is for sure.

I agree with some of the things you said... but what about when

an OW posts that she is hurt because MM did this or that... then the BS says she's a tramp and she deserves everything that is happening to her... blablabla... same thing... different sides...

October 22, 2007

Ya that is true Lizzie , that is why I personally don't contribute to any topics where I don't have anything really helpful/constructive to say to the OP, recently I even flagged my own post because I felt I was too harsh and therefore gross and hurtful, not my intention. I learned from the LS board people listen more when it is obvious your(generally speaking) intentions are not to diffuse a personal anger-the hardest thing to accomplish.

October 22, 2007

Hi abeliever, I was thinking the same exact thing. I too have noticed what you are referring to.

I am glad you posted. I peruse all the forums and have noticed quite a few threads lately where, for example, a betrayed wife is pouring her heart out about her pain, then another member here will try to comfort her and say "don't worry-I doubt the affair will last" . Then a former other woman will come in and explain how her affair turned into a real relationshp, and how much better looking she is then the wife and how it was just upgrading for the husband.

It just seems very heartless and pointless to make that point in a thread started by a hurt spouse.

I'm thinking..."ummm and how is this helping the original poster? What is the point? Why rub salt in the wound?"

Then other posters try to move back to the original topic and the former other woman will still be fighting about how her and former married man are for real, how it is true love and they worked out and left the bitter spouse in the dust.

Another time-Same topic (sad bitter spouse shocked and sad)and an OW was posting about how the wife of her MM really deserved to be cheated on, she was such a nag, etc, etc, brought it on herself, etc etc.

Does a sad betrayed spouse really need to hear how you now have this super great relationship and how you know for a fact you are so much better looking? What is the point of doing that?

Certainly not to help the original poster...that is for sure.

But isn't that like real life in those difficult times? Messy, chaotic, arguementative, agenda-prone? What good does it do someone if everyone posts Hallmark card cliches - "this too will pass" or "time heals all wounds", etc. ? As a betrayed spouse, I think it helped me to understand how the "other side" felt and acted. But I may be different ...

Mr. Lucky

October 22, 2007

Ya that is true Lizzie , that is why I personally don't contribute to any topics where I don't have anything really helpful/constructive to say to the OP, recently I even flagged my own post because I felt I was too harsh and therefore gross and hurtful, not my intention. I learned from the LS board people listen more when it is obvious your(generally speaking) intentions are not to diffuse a personal anger-the hardest thing to accomplish.

You flagged your own post...

I agree ... well said.

October 23, 2007

I think all points of view are important to have a good discussion, so I'm glad that OW come and post on the Infidelity board just as I believe the posts that BS and former-BS make on the OW/OM board often have value.

What I find funny though (funny odd, not funny humorous) is the fact that some OW who post on the infidelity board seem to believe that they understand the mind of a betrayed spouse better than the betrayed spouse does. The problem as I see it is that they are still believing the lies the MM told them about HIS wife - the one he chose to stay with!!

You know those lies, she's stupid, she's selfish, she inconsiderate, she's a bad mother, she doesn't treat me right, she can't do anything, I have to do it all, followed with (if he decides to stay married and leave the OW) she can't get along without me, she begged me to stay, what could I do? it's for the children, our marriage is a sham, I'll just stay until the kids are gone, etc. They want to believe the lies, and though they know the man is capable of deception (it's rather a key factor of an affair) but they can't (or won't) accept that they were lied to just as much as the wife was lied to.

Then - and this is the REALLY confusing part - they take all the bs the MM told them about his wife, and lay it on every wife of every man who ever cheated. Talk about weird.

October 23, 2007

Then - and this is the REALLY confusing part - they take all the bs the MM told them about his wife, and lay it on every wife of every man who ever cheated. Talk about weird.

So true! It's also weird that BW here do the same thing on OW!

October 23, 2007

So true! It's also weird that BW here do the same thing on OW!

That's right, both ways are just as bad. I was speaking only of the OW, as that was what related to this thread, but either is simply nuts.

October 23, 2007

So true! It's also weird that BW here do the same thing on OW!

Not to nitpick, but I think its important to say "some BW" just as Silk said "some OW". Because in both occasions its not all, just some.

October 23, 2007

Thanks to ones who saw the pattern I was referring to. It helps when you are being attacked against a bunch of others, to have someone come to your rescue. Which from seeing what was posted these last two weeks, I expected it.

Please read this with an open heart......because this is where I am coming from...if I had known that "cheater and former cheaters" was on this thread of infidelity and was giving me advice, I don't think I would have wanted to communicate with them. When you are being deceived and lied to from your SO the last thing you want is to speak to, mingle with people who are just like your SO. That is not being mean, its just a reality, you want to distance yourself from that until you can come to grips with what just happened. Isn't the process hard enough without adding this to the mix?

I'm saying we should have been warned and given the choice of if we wanted your input or not? We are not better, just think and feel differently about the subject of cheating.

Information is key. That is all I am saying.

abeliever

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