MattyTee Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Hey Bos, Yeah it's a good read even if it doesn't apply to you. You might find that you recognise some parts of yourself but disagree with others. It's not too expensive either so why not. Honestly speaking I never realised what I was doing before the break up. I'm really glad that I've been given this opportunity to grow - sometimes you have to look at it as a gift. The problem with meeting other peoples needs is that we all have different needs in life and tend to give what we think someone wants. The only real answer lies in communication. There are lots of times in my past relationship where I just didn't know what my partner wanted. She wouldn't open up and talk to me honestly and openly about it. Ironically, she told me if we were to try again then I would have to learn to communicate openly and honestly Anyway, instead I would guess and do things I thought she would like. From the outside it looked like I gave an enormous amount in the relationship but from her point of view she felt her needs were not met. This is all coming out in a bit of a ramble - had counseling this morning and boy does it wipe me out! Oh yeah, that pic could be of anyone!
niceguy27 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 I read that book twice and it has good pointers for both men and women (its geared towards men but priniciples are same). Some of the things related to me, others not so much. Bottom line is to not focus so much on other people in lieu of what YOU want and FEEL. I consider myself a good genuine person but I noticed after reading the book that I do seek approval too much from others. As far as the r/s advice went...not too sure about it...For the first time I never felt ashamed or like I had to hide myself when I was with my ex. The biggeset realization was understanding why I do some of the things I do. Bos its a good book to read. Any type of self help book is good during times like this because it helps us discover ourselves by taking away old, unhealthy patterns that have allowed us to become so hurt. Not that we have to be like robots. My mother summed it up last night..."Niceguy...You had your heart broken. Its that simple. Its painful and devastating. Your not losing your mind. You just lost something very very close to YOU and your hurt." Bos you always have to follow your heart BUT only when you are able to step back and see the situation from an outside view. When its still fresh and emotions are high, your heart will cause you make snap decisions that may end up hurting even more in the long run. A friend last night told me this which Ive heard on here a thousand times but still ironic she said it..."You have to learn to love yourself first before you can love someone else." Amazing words...So step back, take a breath, and re connect with your inner self. Things will get clearer. Promise.
Author Bosiell Posted October 25, 2007 Author Posted October 25, 2007 Matt and Niceguy Cheers for the posts. Some sound advice as ever. Like you have stated Matty. I am trying or will take this oppurtunity to learn something about myself, to grow into well simply a stronger and wiser person. It is important for all of us we at take something from the situation, as hard as it is see at times. Its good you are getting counselling, hope it is helping and goes well for you. Niceguy, yeah it is very true, and I have learned that the hard way now, that above all else, you have to learn to love yourself first. That I will try my best to achieve, wont be easy tho, I have never had much confidence in myself, more the way I "feel" I look as opposed to what I have inside. But its the whole package that counts. Sure that book will hit some notes with me, make me think alot about past experiences and past actions. And dont mothers just know exactly what to say in good old straight talk! My Mother has pretty much said it like it is to. Thanks guys. Will keep posting n all that, take it easy..
Spinderella Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Hello , I wasnt saying thats how she would have felt Bos. I was only describing the "nice guy" from a female perspective, because so few guys actually understand it, and only because we were discussing "nice guy syndrome". But whether you do or dont, I'm sure reading the book wouldnt hurt. But I like to read anything I can get my hands on. I think I used to be a bit of a female version of the nice guy, but now I have swapped that for other problems LOL. I agree that it is good to try to learn as much as you can about yourself from these kind of things. I am feeling quite a lot better today thankyou.
Author Bosiell Posted October 26, 2007 Author Posted October 26, 2007 Hey Spind Yeah I understand what you mean. I have ordered the book today. This guy nice guy image I have of myself is gonna take some shifting, but I feel I have no choice now, sink or swim. Had rubbish day today, cried a bit at work again /sigh. Poss coz its a weekend and cant help but think of what I used to do at weekend with her. Very mixed emotions at mo, yesterday was probably my best day yet, felt really strong and positive. Starting to think I need some FINAL closure, not so much from her, but from myself to myself. Think I am going to write a letter, just spilling stuff out from my head and heart about the relationship, about me and her. Because the break was so sudden and unexepcted to me, I simply have not had chance to say certain things. And I now feel it may be holding my recovery back. Of course I am not fooling myself, I do want her back still but I am so desparate now to put her to the back of my mind and try living again.
Spinderella Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I dont know if it would help you, but it always helps me, if I dont try to fight it, and dont expect to feel better, but dont think about it too much either, if that makes sense. Just feel how you feel, but dont analyse it too much.
MattyTee Posted October 26, 2007 Posted October 26, 2007 I actually found a weird exercise to be helpful. When you feel a certain way try and work out where in your body you feel it. So for example when I think about how I'm being treated now I feel angry - so I try and find out where I feel it. Then imagine looking at it, how does it look, what sort of physical feeling is it. It has an odd effect of occupying your mind and giving you some new insight into the physical and psychological aspects of an emotion....
Author Bosiell Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 thanks spind/matt Yeah may be I am trying to fight it too much, instead of just letting slowly wash through me. I am starting to get fight with myself now to. Half of me is saying she just isnt worth all this mess, looking at the reasons why it wouldnt have worked anyway, her negative points, its her loss, you will find someone better etc. Then a few minutes later my other half kicks without warning telling me all the great things we had in the relationship, all her good points, the memories, then the hurt starts again as to why it had to end and miss her again. Its driving me insane at times, I so want put this **** behind me now, but finding really hard I have recently writting two contrasting notes. One listing all the reasons against her and the relationship and the other is the one l want to send to her, with all the great things I thought we had together, the reasons I miss her, things I didnt get chance to say at the break. One minute I am reading one, the next the other. I hate this. My simple but ok life I had only a few months ago now has been completely been turned on its head by one chance meeting with one person. Someone I cannot get out ot my head. One person surely cannot be worth this.
MattyTee Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Hey Bos, I know exactly how you feel. It's not easy at all. The past few days I've been going through the same emotional flip-flopping. Part of me sees the good we had and wants to rebuild on that and part of me sees the negative aspects and wants to move on from that. I'm also wrestling with some anger I have around the fact that she had joined a dating site only a few weeks after our break up (8 years together) and as far as I'm aware has met up with a guy from it. It's so far from the kind of person she was that I find myself gobsmacked. It also makes me angry that she's so ready to move on so quickly... I try and remind myself to be forgiving and that this time is for me, it takes a lot of work
Author Bosiell Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 Matt Yeah, only two days ago I had a real positive day with myself, felt really energised, felt I was looking good, feeling strong and really looking forward to future, nothing was going to stop me!! But the very next day and on to today also I am just completely messed up. I cant take this much more, was crying again earlier, concerned I am going to break. I am so trying aswell to break from this, reading books, working out more, talking with friends, making plans for the future. But right now I feel sunk again. Every normal everyday thing I do is such an effort, cannot concentrate, heads in bits. Just trying now to keep going best I can, its all I can do really, and keep hoping the days will pass quick and can at least start getting back some normality in life, not sure my life will ever be the same again tho now. There are some serious issues and decisions I now need to clear in my head, this is without doubt the most challenging and most pivotal time of my life. Going to have to be very strong. Sorry for ranting, needed some release. Sorry to hear about the situation with you ex Matt, that must be very hard to take. It does seem really hard to understand that she be can looking to dating again already after the long relationship you had together. Although you say you are gobsmacked by it from what you knew of her, there are people who find moving on from relationships easier than others. I have no doubt my ex has also and found it easy so wish I was that thick skinned to, maybe something to work on for the future. Well deep breaths, time will heal, gotta be strong n all that. laters Matt
Spinderella Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 Matt Yeah, only two days ago I had a real positive day with myself, felt really energised, felt I was looking good, feeling strong and really looking forward to future, nothing was going to stop me!! But the very next day and on to today also I am just completely messed up. I cant take this much more, was crying again earlier, concerned I am going to break. I dont know if you remember an old thread I had, when I said the same thing. I was feeling so good and out of nowhere I was hit with a whole heap of emotions, some stemming from a while back. Well somebody on that thread gave me some good advice, and suggested that our minds will release things in bits so that we do not become overwhelmed. That is why when you begin feeling strong then you are ready to deal with some more of it, until eventually you have got through it altogether.
Author Bosiell Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 Yes Spind, its not just the latest event that is still cutting me, like you have said, its triggered alot of memories and emotions from past situations for me also, its overwhelming me today I have to say. I want to become stronger and be able to cope with all this. Suppose I am also concerned that this goin to take a long time to get over, if I ever will. Maybe I am tying to rush things too much, I need to just accept this is hitting me harder than I was exepcting it would. But god I am at bursting point today. Well I am off out for 21st meal now with family, will help to take my mind off things. But again its yet another event where I will be on my own, its draining. Chin up..
MattyTee Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 I dont know if you remember an old thread I had, when I said the same thing. I was feeling so good and out of nowhere I was hit with a whole heap of emotions, some stemming from a while back. Well somebody on that thread gave me some good advice, and suggested that our minds will release things in bits so that we do not become overwhelmed. That is why when you begin feeling strong then you are ready to deal with some more of it, until eventually you have got through it altogether. I like that idea and it does fit, a sort of survival mechanism. There were times actually when suddenly I would find myself unable to cry, sort of feeling numb and I was surprised - I thought logically I should still be upset, I should still care about what's going on. Then I start to feel stronger and then wham - some more to deal with. I'm off to a Halloween party tonight and am acutely aware she's not with me. It's a family thing and they loved her so much - it's going to be weird. Ah well. Bos, the thing about her moving on is that it's both of our first relationship and I really thought I knew her. I am surprised I guess that I didn't ... The thing is at the end of the day I can't know what's going on. It might well all be in my mind. I have to try and shift the focus off!
Author Bosiell Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 Yeah I can see the logic behind that, sort of a natural way for the body to try and cope with it all. Hope the halloween party went ok Matt. The 21st I went was ok but I was hardly much company, just listend in on conversations and smiled politely, didnt say much. Found myself looking at other couples in the restaurant, and being yeah jealous amongst other things. Not a good way to be feeling. I try and not to think about what my ex is up to either if I can help it all, like you say we are best not knowing. Although part of me hopes she is seeing someone and getting treated like sh_t!
MattyTee Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Hey Bos, hope you at least got some decent food out of it! The Halloween party was fun - it was also my lil' sister's 22nd (don't they grow up fast!). She was really fond of my ex as well - so she was even feeling a bit down. It's hard when my whole family loved her - and someone will always come out with something like "Oh didn't Anisa really like to do that" or "That curry is too hot for you, Anisa loved hot curries!!". *sigh* She's off to a fancy dress party soon and I didn't do so well, I ended up wondering if she was taking someone else now ... *ouch* I'm going to go and slap some sense into myself before bed
Spinderella Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 Well at least you two went out, I was working last night. After awhile I was glad for it though. After all, going out can just be an escape sometimes, and I wanted to focus on the direction I want my life to go in from now on. Also, its easy to get jealous if you look at other people. You can get jealous of anything if you look hard enough. Like I was jealous of everyone who wasnt working last night . Return your focus to yourself though, and where you want to be, and how you want to get there, whatever the rest of the world is doing. Its much more beneficial.
Author Bosiell Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 Hey Bos, hope you at least got some decent food out of it! The Halloween party was fun - it was also my lil' sister's 22nd (don't they grow up fast!). She was really fond of my ex as well - so she was even feeling a bit down. It's hard when my whole family loved her - and someone will always come out with something like "Oh didn't Anisa really like to do that" or "That curry is too hot for you, Anisa loved hot curries!!". *sigh* She's off to a fancy dress party soon and I didn't do so well, I ended up wondering if she was taking someone else now ... *ouch* I'm going to go and slap some sense into myself before bed CHeers Matt, yeah the nosh was ok, all cheese and garlic tho to be honest! Yeah you dont really want to her you exs name mentioned like that, Must have been hard mate, feel for you. My brother in law said hethought he saw me near my exs house the other night and winked. Erm no!!! Give me a break /sigh You seem to have a good attitude and sense of humour (if thats apt!) to what you are going through mate, I applaud you, keep it up. Your posts are cool
Author Bosiell Posted October 28, 2007 Author Posted October 28, 2007 Well at least you two went out, I was working last night. After awhile I was glad for it though. After all, going out can just be an escape sometimes, and I wanted to focus on the direction I want my life to go in from now on. Also, its easy to get jealous if you look at other people. You can get jealous of anything if you look hard enough. Like I was jealous of everyone who wasnt working last night . Return your focus to yourself though, and where you want to be, and how you want to get there, whatever the rest of the world is doing. Its much more beneficial. You are right Spind (as ever!), must try and focus as much as poss on self as opposed to letting thoughts and emotions drift. Its all about me now, I must stop grasping for so much and just concentrate on the now and recovery. I really need to TRY now, must stop wallowing, get a grip, nothing else matters now but ME.
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