Update vent

[Bosiell]

Hello again all

 

Unbelievable, how the hell is it only six weeks since that shattering nite. Seems like six months. Easily the most messed up emotional, gut wrenching, confused (well we all know the rest) time of my life.

 

I will not go over the story again but just to say it was one of those short, passionate and oh so sweet relationships, simply the most amazing time of my life, and Im no spring chicken.

 

I have read from previous posts and other sites that these relationships can be the hardest to recover from. It was over way to soon, so much of a waste imo. and yes I was devasted.

 

Anyway, so six long weeks later, how am I doing? Well better, of course, I could not have been any worse. Time has healed for the most. A good attitude always helps to, but I am only human, I wake up somedays in the wrong frame of mind and wham the hurts, fears ,doubts and memories are to the front, self esteem shattered. I still think of her all the time and yeah I want that phone to ring, but for the most the thoughts no longer bring the pining in my heart, well no where near as painfull anyway. There is still a dull ache, but I am starting to live with that more and more, think that is sadness aspect.

 

I try as much as possibly to keep looking forward, to focus on learning from this. Working on myself, mind body and soul. Knowing that someday, I will meet someone again, and this time it she will feel the same way. But I still have some mending to do first.

 

Went out the other nite and as ever I ended up having one too many. Was chatting to a lass and left my number with her, she got in touch yesterday so will probably go on a date with her soon. Problem is I can hardly remember what she looks like . I am concernd however that I will only end up comparing her to my ex or that it may go the same way as my last, which I doubt I could cope with. Dating someone else at the moment I am not sure is a good idea. However I am firm believer that you have to take chances in this life, and you never know, something may come of it.

 

Well think I have vented enough for now.. As ever good wishes to all.. x

[Jmina]

Im sure on the first date with your ex you werent looking at it as a long term relationship. you were just in the moment.

 

dont get ahead of yourself with this date either.

 

there is no harm in going out for dinner with someone new.

 

just stay honest with yourself and them.

 

have some fun. fun is what gets us through some hard times.

[Spinderella]

Agree with Jmina, have fun! Be honest, and dont compare!

I remember a guy I went out with on the rebound, and I compared him at first, I actually ended up falling for him big time, yes, it does happen!

[Bosiell]

Hey again Spind n Jmina, as ever thanks for your replies. Hope you both are doing ok?

 

Yes its important I dont get ahead of myself for this date, needless to say I would love it to go really well, fall head over heals, or prob safer if she for me , but I wont get carried away with that thought at all.

 

Still too many emotions re my ex for that anyway. I hope I can at least find a good friend, which at the moment is probably more important.

 

Yes Jmina I must be honest with myself and her also.

 

Spind, you have got my hopes up now But something tells me I well just end up being disapointed. That may be because I feel a bit that way out today, crappy work and that damn horrible dull ache all day.

 

Will keep you posted.. /hugs

[Spinderella]

I feel horrible today too, and I hope you dont mind me jumping on your thread, but, I really cant start my own thread on such a nothing of a subject.

You are lucky to have a date. I think I may have a date coming up soon, just waiting for friends to ask the question . I just dont know if I can be bothered, do you know what I mean?

[Bosiell]

I feel horrible today too, and I hope you dont mind me jumping on your thread, but, I really cant start my own thread on such a nothing of a subject.

You are lucky to have a date. I think I may have a date coming up soon, just waiting for friends to ask the question . I just dont know if I can be bothered, do you know what I mean?

 

 

Of course I dont mind Spind my friend.

 

Sorry that you feeling horrible today /hug. I havent been too bad recently really, as long as I keep myself busy. Work tho can be very stressfull and I am finding it hard to cope at times with all the other stuff kicking relentlessly around my mind and that still aching heart.

 

Suppose I am lucky but I am nervous to I will be dissapointed or her to of course. I just need to play it very cool and just be friends if poss, its hard to see at this time anything coming of it. I know I will compare her to my ex, just know it! Defo cannot handle any let downs at the moment. So I know what you mean about being bothered, but I am going to give it a shot, but MUST not get carried away.

 

Go for your date Spind, pluck up some enthusiasm, nothing ventured, you may really enjoy it

[Spinderella]

Well Bos,

If you must compare her to the ex, at least do so favourably

But perhaps you are wiser to take things slowly, AND, it makes it much more fun. I know that I could go on a date, and have fun, and probably even fall for the guy, but then what? I dont know if I can even have successful relationships. I would probably be worried that after the first exciting part, I would see reasons why it was not good. Maybe I have just never met the right person, but maybe I never attract the right person either. This is why I feel, I just dont know if I can be bothered.

[Bosiell]

I can see your point of view Spind honest. How long have you felt this way iro being worried that you will fall for someone again only to be disapointed again? You do not come accross as someone with low confidence or rather negative outlook, so I am little surprised that you have these thoughts concerning dating and relationships. I am no way of course making light of what has happend to you in the past.

 

Saying that, of course my trust and believe the whole "love" thing has taken a major thump. But I look to a future where I can and try to believe where I can. x

 

ps

A long hot summer just passed me by...

Sorry, Im just playing that cd at mo, very much what it was for me

[Spinderella]

I dont usually feel this way, and I usually start each relationship fresh and with optimism.

I am confident in alot of ways, and optimistic in a lot of ways, but I think like most people I have an inner voice of doubt. When I feel strong, I conquer it, and when I feel weak, it conquers me, same as most people.

Today happens to be a weak one, thats all

 

Well, its good that you are being optimistic!

 

The summer wasnt that long or hot, and thats probably why it passed you by

[Bosiell]

I understand Spind yeah. Strong days and weak ones, we all get them. And unless someone is supremely confident or naive (which isnt many) it is only human to have inner doubts like you say.

 

Well I am trying to be optimistic. It is generally not in my nature, but thats something amongst many others I am trying to change due to recent events .

 

Believe me parts of my summer were very hot!!

 

On a side note. I am feeling mighty lonely tonite, christ this is hard at times.. I so want one of those "goodnite sweety" texts. Just to know someone out there is thinking of me.

 

Ah well, must stop being such a wuss and get some sleep.. x

[Spinderella]

I know what you mean about the texts, or night time phonecalls, but thinkin like that'll jus' make ya feel bad. It makes me go to sleep later too, not good.

[Bosiell]

Rubbish day.. so many damn thoughts/emotions, I damn cried a little at work, what gives!! Sometimes think im not gonna drag myself out of this. Not just of my ex but all my past failed relationships flooded back today. Got to get better than this.

 

just wanna hold someone again, is that so much to ask????????? maybe Im living a delusion.

[sedgwick]

Oh, Bosiell, I understand, I really do! And sometimes crying is what it takes to get through it. Believe me, I ask myself all the time what it is that made THREE guys dump me in the space of six years! I think I know with the first two; I was very depressed and not the best partner, and they had issues of their own. But even though I don't still love them, and I see now that it was for the best we broke up, I still feel kind of bad when I think about it. With the last one, though, I had gone to therapy, was taking antidepressants, had gotten my sh*t together considerably, and made a huge effort to be a good partner to him. I think I was successful at that. But it still wasn't enough to keep him around, and so of course I'm wondering what it is that's so fundamentally wrong with me. I think all these thoughts are normal. I know "hang in there" is a huge obnoxious cliche, but...do it, okay?

[Bosiell]

Thanks Sedge, appreciated.

I was pretty much astonished I cried today, but yes I did feel better for it, just couldnt keep it bottled it up inside any longer.

 

I am sorry for your situation also. I see alot of other posts inc yours and I tell myself I havent really got it that bad, however I cant hide this. I feel this latest upset was (or if I let it) the final push of that cliff Ive been teetering on for a few years now. I tried so damn hard like yourself and for it not too good enough again for someone is at the moment shattering. I am getting too old for this sh_t now, Im in my late 30s now, and all I have ever wanted was to fall and love and settle down, just be normal! Again maybe Iam delusioned.

 

I have to change my ways, my outlook on myself, my life, on other people and on relationships. It is going to be damn hard, im gonna go cold turkey and it does scare me, but I have no choice now. I must as you say "hang in there" x

[niceguy27]

Sorry to jump in here too but its nice to vent a little bit. plus some of you know my story too

 

Since we last talked talked a couple weeks ago and she finally told me why she had to leave, I have been doing ok. Then just recently as I was packing thing up (getting ready to move) I came across some more of her things. Small stuff like Christmas decorations, old things from when she was a kid and what not.

 

So I call her and tell her about it. She was actually nice and cordial on the phone with me. First time she hasnt been cold and stand offish. She thanked me for mailing a b day card to her which she just got (bday was last week and I didnt contact her at all). Told me how she appreciated it and thought it was thoughtful and what not. Small chit chat. Tenatively set a time for this week to come get it. Then today we figure out a good time tomorrow. Same thing happened...Conversation was good and light. She told me how it went at her dads last night (bday dinner for her) and other small things shes been doing. Same with me. She accidentally slipped...ie..."we have such and such..." then corrected herself. Anyway, we then agree on tomorrow at 4:30 for her to come over. Im nervous as this is the first time Ive seen her in like 3 weeks. Since that time I have only spoken with her about us once (stated at beginning).

 

Even after all this time apart I still want her back. Ive learned what and why things started to go downhill with us. I am still convinced that she is trying to prove to herself what she did was right. She's still not seeing anyone on anything more than a hanging out basis. Arghh...I am fine for a while then sometimes I just break down all over again. I feel good knowing that she knows how I feel but I still want her back so bad. Even after all this...I wish sometimes that we did break up on bad terms so I would actually have something to be angry over and be able to move on a lot easier.

[Spinderella]

Bos, its good to cry sometimes. What is it that you think you need to change? Have you been repeating mistakes in relationships or who you pick?

Late 30's is not so old, especially for a man, to settle down, maybe have a family.

I think its a mistake to think that what you give isnt good enough for someone, unless you can identify some big mistakes. More likely that you choose people who are not compatible with you, and what you give.

[Bosiell]

Hey Niceguy. no problem at all with jumping on this thread .

I know only too well what you said concerning you would rather have broken up on bad terms, with some needle, of some dishonesty even on her part just to let me down easier. But she was very honest with me at the brake up and I fully understood (although still hard to take in and accept) her words and feelings. If she had of been a right bitch to me then I know for sure I would not be feeling half as bad now.

 

Hey Spind hon.. I wouldnt like to call my actions in my relationships as mistakes really. I just cant help but try and care for someone, show my affection, always put them first, their happiness. I always thought that would be enough, but it seems for whatever reasons, and I do not particularly hold any grudges, it just isnt. Guess its that "nice guy" theory shining through, and I am now believing it is very much true.

 

Just feel I need to starting putting myself first, showing more backbone, more character, more confidence.

 

I do believe still I have a lot to offer someone, but maybe its the way I show it, maybe its too much for some girls I have met. Or maybe I have simply been damn unlucky!!

 

ps, thanks for the age comment, will remember that

[MattyTee]

Hey Bos,

 

Just jumping in here cos I saw you mention the Nice Guy theory. I bought the book recently and must say it's an interesting read. I notice a few little triggers in the words you are using there:

 

"I just can't help but try and care for someone"

"Always put them first, their happiness"

 

The title of the book of course sounds like it's all about being a jerk but it really isn't.

 

To give you an example that I found. One thing I would often do is give, give, give and then I couldn't work out why I wasn't getting anything in return. The thing is in a way all that giving is loaded with a sort of "I'll give you all this but you must return it equally". At the same time I wasn't really listening out to what she wanted but instead I was giving what I thought she wanted... make sense?

 

It's about being more integrated and taking responsibility for your own needs first. Ironically when you do this you are able to give to others much more freely. Anyway, from someone who is a lovely, 'nice' guy and also ended up single - perhaps give it a read.

 

Bah I'm babbling it's late. Book is "No More Mr. Nice Guy" - def. worth a read.

[JCD]

OP, how you feel is a choice. You either feel positive or negative or fluctuate between the two. You got to feel positive because if you don't you'll dwell on your failures and start feeling down and depressed. That's not good. So, you have to think less of your ex because if you don't, you'll get depressed again. It might feel like you're being a jerk to her memory but you're not. You're moving on by looking toward a new girl because she is the only one that will get you out of this dark hole you're in. It's amazing when you start thinking about a new girl and all of the sudden your ex becomes insignificant. All that excitement of someone new brings you out of depression and you'll feel alive again. It's also good to cry and get it out but don't dwell on her memory too much.

[Spinderella]

Bos,

I was going to say something about "nice guy syndrome" but I didnt want to sound insulting. That book sounds really good. I know I've heard people (Cali guy) mentioning it on here, but wasnt sure about how good it was.

I suppose it is similar to not being able to truly love another, until you love yourself first.

I have a few nice guys in my past, and the reason that they are no longer in my present, is for all the reasons that Matty Tee just mentioned. They would make themselves indispensible to me, and tell me wonderful things about myself, but I begun to mistrust their reasons why, because it did always seem to have a motive behind it. It was like they would bend over backwards to find things to please me, but never really be there for the things I really needed, and never tried to understand what I needed. I felt like, they didnt care about what I needed, but almost wanted to give me no good reason to be able to say I was unsatisfied. When I did say I was unsatisfied, they basically treated me as though I was a b**** who had problems, and acted like a victim. When I no longer felt amorous, they acted as though I was just using them and got b**chy. In targeting what they felt was their problem (I showed her my emotions), they became cold and acted like a jerk. The problem was never seeing emotions, the problem was being unable to discern which were emotions and which were emotional manipulations. The problem was never they did not do enough, the problem was that they never seemed to care about what I really needed.

This may or may not be how you were, but anyway, thats a glimpse from a womans point of view.

[MattyTee]

Bingo!

 

'Nice Guys' are anything but nice...

 

The problem with the nice guy thing is that although they appear to be nice, resentment builds, frustration rises and then they end up acting like a jerk anyway. Not that I want to put myself down in front of hundreds of forum readers, but I really saw that in myself. I couldn't believe it! I thought, I'm a nice guy, I do nice things and care about people but when I looked at how that played in my relationship I could suddenly see a lot of negative behaviours. It's never black and white, a lot of the time I would give expecting nothing in return - but it has helped me enormously to realise where this behaviour all came from and how I can change it.

[Spinderella]

Matty Tee,

I think its really brave that you are willing to be open about yourself, even if it IS on an anonymous forum . Seriously though, I do. I know that sudden sinking feeling you get, when you first realise an aspect of yourself that you are really not proud of. But it is the first step to real change. Shifting those mental images of yourself also dissolves the ego alot, which is a real block to allowing inner love to shine through.

[Spinderella]

I just realised you had your picture up

[Bosiell]

Yo

Feeling stronger today, bit more energised, poss because weekend is getting there now, and another week down the path of recovery I guess.

 

Thanks for the replies as ever folks

 

Matt. Yes I have heared of that book, think I will defo be getting it. thanks alot.

With my latest ex, although I tried my best with her, I never ever did just because I wanted something back in return, I was just happy in knowledge that she appreciated and liked the attention and care. But for a relationship to truly grow the other person must also feel the same way, I guess my ex just couldnt do that as much as she would have liked(though I was happy enough with what she did for and to me). I say honestly (not with my latest anyway) that I dont look back and think God I was a jerk at that point, and wish I couldve said or done something different instead of being a doormat. But I do know where you are coming from.

 

Spind, good post.. Hmm, hard day at work and trying to get my head around what you are saying. I would not like to think at any stage that a girl I fall for and want care for would then begin to mistrust me because she thinks there may be a an alterior motive, that would really screw with my head. If there some needs that I do not know about or can see then I would like to think that is something that can be talked about, But again that is just me. No way do I doubt what you are saying, there are some mighty mixed up individuals out there, men and women, who seem incapable of consideration. Its a point of view I have never contemplated before and thank you..

 

ps, how you both doing today, well i hope?

[MattyTee]

I just realised you had your picture up

 

Yeah ... oops