hurtin_bad Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I found out about a month ago that my H had an affair. He is no longer in the same location as the OW but he is not willing to give up calling her? Should I still be trying to make this work? All i get from him is that he is confused!! How long should I be waiting for him to quit talking to her? They are both in the army and they are not living in the same state...do I just wait for this to fizzle out or do I give an ultimatum? I am at wits end trying to figure out if I should walk away?He doesnt seem to want to divorce but he doesnt want to work for our marriage either?
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 You tell him that he has to go no contact with the OW completely and go to marriage counselling with you or he is out of the house. How long have you two been married? Do you have kids? Also, how long did he have the affair with the OW? IF he wants to stay married to you, he MUST get his sh.it together and start acting like a husband. He needs to work on himself, prove to you that he IS worthy of a second chance. This man broke your trust. He betrayed you and hurt you in the worst way... And, he doesn't want to do the work required to fix the marriage? Yeah, he's a fool.
Integra Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I found out about a month ago that my H had an affair. He is no longer in the same location as the OW but he is not willing to give up calling her? Should I still be trying to make this work? All i get from him is that he is confused!! How long should I be waiting for him to quit talking to her? They are both in the army and they are not living in the same state...do I just wait for this to fizzle out or do I give an ultimatum? I am at wits end trying to figure out if I should walk away?He doesnt seem to want to divorce but he doesnt want to work for our marriage either? A few questions for you, if you don't mind. 1) How long have you been married? 2) Do you have children. 3) How long was the A? The the A isn't over if he is still contacting her.. Period.. For it to be over he has to be completely NC w/ OW. Why? Well, keeping in contact w/OW (even if it isn't physical) is keeping the EA part of the affair still going.. Of course he's confused.. He's not completely out of this A. As far as you trying to make your M work.. The first thing you need to know is What do you want... Deep down inside.. What do you want to do.. Because I'm looking at the part I bolded.. And that isn't the statement of someone who has actually started having the deep and painful heart to heart w/ their WS on whether or not to try and save their M. Ultimatums don't work unless you're honestly going to follow through.. No follow through equals empty threats... Sorry... But rebuilding a M after an A is an all or nothing thing.. There is no half-way to it.. To rebuild after an A you and your WS have to want it 110% and you both have to be willing to work, learn and change together...
norajane Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 How long should you be waiting for him to stop talking to her? Not another minute. He's not committed to you if he is still involved with her. The question is, how long before you get fed up with him enough to go talk to a lawyer about a divorce? You don't have to wait for him to make a decision. The decision is in your hands.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I get so tired of reading the same bullsh*t excuses over and over and over from lying cheaters. Yes, they're all "confused." Nothing confusing about wanting to KEEP your marriage and KEEP your girlfriend. The only "confusing" thing about it is how to do it successfully. Boot his ass out the door and let him be "confused" on someone else's watch.
Author hurtin_bad Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 We have been married for 5 years, we do have one 2 year old son...and the affair apparently was going on for about a month while he was training in another state. He didnt tell me about it at his own will ...i had to findout on my own. I appreciate every bit of ya'lls advice...i need all the help i can get.
rockerdude Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 No!! No, no, no, no. Run don't walk away from this. None of us have wanted a broken life/relationship. We all probably thought at one time..."I can fix this." But you cannot. After forgiving 2 adulteries and then 18 years later...it happened again. Don't think they will change...they just postpone their desires, until the right situation comes again. Then they do it again, for different reasons, but the thrill is what they want. They KNOW what excitement awaits and they just cannot say no. They are like drug addicts. They are emotion, lust, power, control, revenge,Ego, Selfish, etc..addicts, and they have so much they don't even understand about themselves that they cannot possible fix themselves or their relationships. Someone comes along and can see through them..and they think the person is GODLIKE and that "they" are SPECIAL in this persons eyes. It is a sick and twisted musical and YOU don't need the heartache...trust me. They are not confused (mine said the same thing). They are lustful (emotionally & physically) liars and they know what they are doing and even get a sense of even more power when YOU let them back in. It is just one of those "sins" as it were that, does something to a persons soul whereby they cannot ever seem to overcome. Why? Because they ...and everyone get this......they WANT to have the situation again. Why? BEcause they WANT to be able to say no the next time it comes around. IF it doesn't come around they end up getting into a situation, thinking that they will have the will-power, the self control, the decency to do the right thing...THIS time. But they can't. WHY? Because treachery IS a spiritual thing. I say this thinking about it this way... They want to have a principle in their heart that makes them a right person BUT they never choose to let..."something else" in... They WANT to do it (overcome being an adulterer) without help, so THEY can "feel like" a better person. To be able to say, "I" did it this time BUT they cannot do this unless they "apply" some principle to their "heart" and let that guiding principle "BECOME" a part of themselves. Most won't do this. Even when they do get counselling or get saved or changed by some wisdom....they "always" enter into the "adultery" thing...trying to "do it themselves" to make up for their past failure. It is so stupid...but I have experienced it firsthand and have seen about 5 other personal close friends....do the exact same thing...again & again. Even tho` they did change somewhat before the next time. But there will be a next time...I assure you. I digress. I'll say this in parting...I believe in God. But even he doesn't make people choose what is right. People love their freedom MORE THAN they love honoring a covenant/contract/relationship/vow etc. Which requires..."accountability" to which they see as opposite their freedom. They always choose to devalue what they have and sell out for what is behind door number 2 in hopes that they don't have to face themselves or be accountable to someone else. Why? It is easier, it is fun, it doesn't make them feel bad about themselves and they always blame YOU for doing what is right and trying to help them ....they don't want "our" help, they want "their way" and it is ultimately, very pathetic and sad. And unfortunate that "we" get hurt and our kids get hurt in the process. And of course he doesn't want to divorce....it is painful. He doesn't want to give up "her" it is pleasureable. Even IF he does....he will do it again and even if you make him work through it and pay a price "like accountability for a year" or "calling the OW with you on the phone and telling her it was wrong and he chooses YOU over her and it is over.....he'll resent it later and do it again to get back at you "disciplining" him over it....even though that is what is best for him. Adults are the biggest babies of them all and they cannot handle this..children can. Train a child and he grows up right. Train an adult and they get pissy, vengeful, spiteful, blame-shift, accuse, use denial, harbor bitterness, play the victim, etc...laughs.
Author hurtin_bad Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 I take your advice to heart...I believe it was your thread that has prompted me to quit "trying" to save my marriage. Everything you said that he will do or say he has done. So with your thread weighing heavy on my mind...I have chosen to not just walk but "run" away from this relationship.!!! Thank you very much! your words were exactly what I needed to hear!
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