bubbabrusky Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 my wife and i have a complicated past. recently, she has decided that it would be best if we separate. a logical step for her towards divorce. two days ago is when i found a text message on my wife's phone. (forgive me for snooping, it has been the only way into her life in recent memory) normally, i would not confront her about it, but this time it was particularly unusual: about three months ago, my wife and i went to a concert where she ran into an ex-boyfriend. she told me about this guy once or twice only saying that they never struck up a physical relationship. she had a problem with him being a vergin and ended up leaving him for a more experienced partner... she didn't go too much more into their relationship than that. since that day, they have seen eachother on a nearly nightly basis. i work during the day, while she stays at home with our two girls. one four and the other one. she goes to school part time at night. on her free time, she would hang out with him. i began giving her a hard time about the amount of time that she was spending with him by remarking about how she better not be cheating on me with him, etc. i thought i was being very reasonable given the circumstances. she went to a concert with him out of town and "left her phone in his car" for hours, even after the concert had let out. she was supposed to stay with his brother, but they ended up getting a hotel near the venu. they were gone together for at least 18 hours without calling me to "check in". she has been going to parties, bars, whatever with him for the last couple weeks and sleeping over his house saying she was too drunk to come home at that time. totally reasonable and expected once and a while, but not consistantly weekend after weekend! she insists that they are not physical, and she does not sleep in bed with him, only on his couch. anyways, going back to the text message. it said someting to the affect of "since the day i met you the sky was clearer, i love you". so i had to say something to her about that. she got really defensive and i had to walk away from her. eventually she caught up with me and asked if i wanted to talk about it and i said yes. she went into this whole thing about how she wanted a separation and it should be no suprize to me because she has been saying this to me for years and i have not been listening. we have both been unhappy for some time now... this was definately no secret. there was unresolved issues from our past and she insists that i have not stopped doing what i have been doing to hurt her. i admit to hurting her. but i didn't think that we couldn't work it out. so in the mean time of having this conversation with her, she must have called this guy up and asked him to come to our house. when he walks into the back yard where we were she asks me if there was anything else i would like to say. i didn't want to have this conversation in front of him so i kept my mouth shut. she tells me that she does not want me to hate him if she ends up with him and she also does not want me to hate her. that statement made me very aware that my suspicions about them were true. so i asked him if he reciprocated her feelings and he agreed. i asked him how long has he felt this way and he says a long time. i assume the whole time they have been hanging out since they re-discovered eachother again. i continue to give her space and she continues to sleep over this guys house. i don't know how much longer physically, mentally and emotionally i can go on like this. she still insists that they are not physical. that to me, is secondary to the emotional relationship they share. it will break my heart when i find out they are sleeping together. i am short tempered with my girls and it is affecting every other aspect of my life. i do not have friends i can confide in so i am even more secluded with my thoughts. i love my wife and believe that she may have some love for me deep inside her. she is never here with me for me to share anything with her, so how can i continue to make up for my mistakes in the past? (she has cought me looking at porn online and i did not stop the first time she told me that it hurt her. there are some other left over trust issues from our past too that are too complicated to go into) i have never spent the night with another woman, not even on her floor. i want to spend the rest my life with her, i just don't know how much longer i can sustain myself under present circumstances. i don't know what to do.
lostboy60645 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 This, like so much in life, is more complicated AND more simple than you think. How is it more complicated? Well, as a sex addict who is addicted to porn and who is now divorced due to complications related to that addiction, trust issues surrounding use of porn is complicated. We look at porn for escape, relief, excitement, numbing, and I bet there are other adjectives we can find. The truth behind it, like many addictions/compulsive behavior (even if it's not an 'addiction') is that we fail to be truly intimate emotionally with other people. That is a complicated issue that really gets to the crux of relationship problems related to recurrent porn use. How is it simple? I'm afraid that this one is more painful, so strap your seatbelt on, take a breath, and then let this rattle around in your head for a while before making any snap judgements. I, for one, don't think it's "totally reasonable and expected once and a while" for a spouse to go out drinking with a friend of the opposite gender and stay over 'on the couch'. My G-d, I can hardly stay on the couch at an attractive woman's house if I was sober! You're absolutely right that the 'emotional affair' is as or more important a blow to your situation as anything, but I'm afraid that it seems highly unlikely that your spouse has ended it there. If you're like me, you spent many of those nights that she was out with her 'new friend' as opportunities for you to surf porn without restrictions or worries--which would worry me if it's true, for both you and your wife. So, what to do with this possibility? I'd say this is also simple. Although you'd like to repair and restore your marriage, it's better to get into individual therapy to help you process this and, perhaps more importantly, to look at how you and she disconnected emotionally before any of this happened. I'd also explore the notion of sex addiction. You may want to look at the questionnaire on www.sa.org to see if you fit the bill. Separating at this point will probably be the most painful thing to do initially, but I also think it's the most important thing. It seems like the two of you remaining under one roof opens you up for more pain and now is a time to begin to protect yourself from that. Speaking of, you may want to get yourself tested for STD's if you've remained sexually active with her and you suspect that she may have been with this guy or anyone else. I'm sorry to unload this rather sad perspective, but your safety and recovery supersede saving your marriage. It just might help you save it, but it absolutely will help you save yourself. Good Luck
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Lostboy60645 has covered most of the things I wanted to say. I'd like to add though that it's very probable that your wife and her flame are in some kinda affair. Even though they may have restricted it to emotional, though I doubt that, there's already huge damage done to your relationship from her side. You have also contributed to it by your habits of porn and other things like you say which are too complicated to mention here. In view of the situation the best solution immediately is for you to have a long chat with her without the other guy as to where she sees herself regarding your family life. If she is adamant on a separation you don't have much choice in the matter, and you should take the obvious way out of this, by insisting that since she is the one about to move in with someone else, she is the one who will move out. However, are you in any state to look after your kids and work at the same time ? Take the help of family and friends for a while until you sort your head out. Also talk to her about whether she has decided to divorce you or whether she is interested to work on the marriage at all ? If her answer is for divorce, there is nothing you can or should do immediately, because she seems to be in an affair with the other man at this time and her response will be totally unreasonable towards reconciling. Moreover, if she has cheated, are you sure you want her back ? And are you sure you will be able to forgive her for having some kinda affair with the other man ? If your answer to these questions is no, then you should do some thinking about your future course of action. Consider a long-term separation or divorce in that case and start working on who gets the house and kids and how to split the money, etc.. If, however, you are able to take her back and she also wants to work on the marriage, then both of you need to go for immediate Marital Counseling as also Individual Counseling to help the two of you get rid of your problems inside yourselves and also with regards to each other. Either way this is not gonna be an easy process. Be prepared for a bitter pill and take it on the chin like a man. You played your cards and some of them were bad, so you're responsible to an extent. However, she also is equally responsible for the situation deteriorating to the extent that she has had an affair, emotional or otherwise, outside of your marriage before things were totally over between you two. Take this situation as a wake up call and take the rest of your life in your hands and start dealing with things rather than running away from the problems as you have been doing. Nothing else will work to bring you and your family out of this situation with anything like normalcy or safety. If you don't wake up now, you're gonna be worse off than ever. Just my two bits .. Bobby
BUBBA'SWIFE Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 yes its me his wife. i have to say that i am sicken with the idea that he thinks he has any justification in being upset. he went out of town, and on the "anniversary" of our previous abortion, i found out he tried to not only meet a girl but also have sex in that far away city (yes this was not too long ago, DURING OUR MARRIAGE) so have i been with another guy? yes. have i cheated? no. never. that thought sickens me as well. does my husband look at teenage porn and REPLACED me with it over the last few years? yes. am i a teenager? no. just someone who needs to have my space from a man who a) pushed me to take anti anxiety pills then jokes me for it b) punches holes in the house over our daughters crib from his bad temper (oh if he wants some stuff secret then fine, ill stop here...) no surprise iam not taking his **** anymore. he never did ask my friend who my husband knew was coming over, how long of the feelings. please dont feel sorry for him. and i dont need to get a test. maybe a sanity test for wondering why i stayed with this lying sack of fellas, when someone says "you are losing me" its not time to look at porn or lie about everything important. just to let you know. thank you. ps-if you think strangers are really going to help you, then its even more obvious that you have not been listening to a word i have said. no wonder you changed the password to the email we share.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 no surprise iam not taking his **** anymore. he never did ask my friend who my husband knew was coming over, how long of the feelings. please dont feel sorry for him. and i dont need to get a test. maybe a sanity test for wondering why i stayed with this lying sack of fellas, when someone says "you are losing me" its not time to look at porn or lie about everything important. just to let you know. thank you. ps-if you think strangers are really going to help you, then its even more obvious that you have not been listening to a word i have said. no wonder you changed the password to the email we share. lol... It's true, I dont think he is going to find anything but emotional support here. You however could probably use a place to bounce some ideas around. I mean seriously... your smack dab in the middle of a rebound relationship. If your going to leave your husband, fine, great, do it. Don't drag another man into the middle. This could cause an emotional disaster for you! You have kids to think about!
BUBBA'SWIFE Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 oh believe me i want him to get all the help in the world. not just for me but for the kids. i need support too. when i was crying and i would go to my husband he told me to find help from my friends, go online and join a thing like this. what a stupid thing to say unless you really just dont care. so iam not surprised he went to strangers for help. he asked me to do that for a long time when he would stay out all night getting drunk and bring home the wrong formula for the baby. the only thing i think about with the kids is that i want them to know that this is not how a rel works, a marriage should be OR a man should act.so actually iam just doing what my husband has been asking me to do all along, go somewhere else for emotional support. thanks.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 oh believe me i want him to get all the help in the world. not just for me but for the kids. i need support too. when i was crying and i would go to my husband he told me to find help from my friends, go online and join a thing like this. what a stupid thing to say unless you really just dont care. so iam not surprised he went to strangers for help. he asked me to do that for a long time when he would stay out all night getting drunk and bring home the wrong formula for the baby. the only thing i think about with the kids is that i want them to know that this is not how a rel works, a marriage should be OR a man should act.so actually iam just doing what my husband has been asking me to do all along, go somewhere else for emotional support. thanks. Well, if it means anything.... I would do the same under those circumstances. Sometimes we make mistakes in how we conduct ourselves in a relationship... but sometimes we make a mistake in choosing to be in the relationship. Do what you need to do to show your kids what a good marraige can be! Bubba, If your still on board. Maybe it would be best if you did some couseling. It sounds even from your original post that you may have some emotional issues to deal with.
BUBBA'SWIFE Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 lol... It's true, I dont think he is going to find anything but emotional support here. You however could probably use a place to bounce some ideas around. I mean seriously... your smack dab in the middle of a rebound relationship. If your going to leave your husband, fine, great, do it. Don't drag another man into the middle. This could cause an emotional disaster for you! You have kids to think about! actually, i dont think i can go through anything worse than what my husband has put me through. emotional disaster indeed.
Jasmine8719 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 First off Im a woman...I feel so enraged by this...I won't go off saying bad things about your wife... that very disrespectful...But i can't believe you've put up with this situation for this long. First off... that is YOUR wife not his she should not be spending the night at another mans house going out partying with him...she has an apparent loving husband and TWO KIDS....I couldn't believe you didn't kill that man as soon as he stepped into your backyard...I know you know she's sleeping with him that's obvious...it's like she's telling you but not in those words...so what are you waiting for...I think you still have options...either you can accept that's shes cheating and want to try to work things out,marriage counceling, try to get back with her, but you need to be demanding no she can't be hanging out with this other man and spending the night, if shes drunk go pick her up or you just seperate and start over. Okay yea you may have done things in the past but it was her choice to move on with you and make things work you shouldn't look back and use that as an excuse for your actions, well her's. And porn?...please tell me it's something worse than that...there is nothing wrong with men looking at porn I mean theres a limit of course but anyways...Your situation is stuff...But you need to be strong do what makes you happy...She obviously wants to be with him. I dont mean to be so harsh...Good Luck! -Jasmine
Jasmine8719 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Bubbas wife..I posted my comment before reading all the other comments and I apologize ...you try to help someone from one point of view without looking at both sides...But now that you get both sides it is a little different...Im really sorry what you and your husband are going through right now...I don't think it is right to be spending the night at another mans house though...even if your drunk your husband should pick you up...I think you need to work things out at home before going off with another man emotionally or physically...I guess that's were the seperation comes in...I hope you work everything out...Good Luck! -Jasmine
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I find bubba's wife to be highly disrespectful and very resentful of the fact of her husband is starting to acknowledge the downfall in the marriage and he is reaching out for help! How freaking dare you come on his own thread and come to condemn him!!! Your pointing out his problems but are you facing yours. The pot cannot call the kettle black. Your cheating, he cheated plain and simple. Either you two work on making your marriage better than what it was or get off the freaking pot!!! He doesnt need you to come on him emasculating him, belittling him. If your fed up with problems that he caused in the marriage. The thing is to not cheat, dont lower yourself to his alleged level by doing worse than he did. File for divorce, Go through the grieving the marriage and then resettle and date! There's no need to disrespect him on this magnitude. He's already losing his marriage, right now he's in alot of pain and that should be contentment enough!
BUBBA'SWIFE Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 well... for the last three and half years at the least i have been trying to get him to talk to me. about us. about my feelings why i am saying iam sad and he saying whatever. i think the lack of respect everyone is starting to mention is that this marriage is a typical lonely housewife who has been crying for two and half years at the least. i came on here cos my husband sent me thru email the replies without telling me what he said. i had to search for his post and felt the need to reply. telling my side of the story was my way of reaching out. iam sorry this happening too. i hope if anyone learns from this experience is that communication is key. and whoever said beating the guy up when he entered the backyard must be an idiot. and it just proves how fast people do want to run. i as a woman ran to a friend for support. not pornography. i think my husband was just looking for someone to say "your wife is cheating cos she stayed at someone elses house" this justification is moot. he lost his marriage the day i found out he tried to have sex when he went on a busniess trip. he emasculated himself when he allowed his wife to cry herself to sleep everynight.
Author bubbabrusky Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 well, first off, i did not come into this forum to justify my wife satying at another person's house as cheating. i already knew that without another'a opinion. she does not see it that way. when he came into the back yard, like i said, they both said they had feelings for eachother. that to me was an admission. right then and there i knew what was happening. the guy said he has felt this way for a while now. she too, probably. long before that conversation she was spending the night with him (and i will never know for sure if it really was on the couch or in his bed or on the floor or on the roof, whatever). i repeatedly asked her not to spend the night. i would give her a hard time about the amount of time they spent together, but i told her i wouldn't give her grief about anything but her spending the night with him. what i came here for was support for my looming divorce and/or separation from the person i love. i do not want this to get too far off subject. this is about me, my probloms, my seeking for solutions. what do i do emotionally going forward knowing i was the one responsible for breaking up a marrage? what do i do? how do i live with myself? i know i did things to drive her off. i was reaching out to a group that hopefully would be able to give me guidance. i was given some advice to seek professional help and i did. i have not met with the councelor yet, but i have talked with him over the telephone. i answered his questions the best i could. there may be some deep rooted problems that i will need to work out for myself, hopefully with my wife. the addiction and mood swings, etc may be due to manic depression. apparently, this is the untreated verson of bipolar complex. i will be able to get the complex under controll with some perscriptions. will we be able to move on with our marrage? i don't know. hopefully. like she says, she was forced into this situation. by the circumstances, and by me. i did not take control of my emotions or responsibility for them. whenever i was asked how could i do this to her if i loved her, i would have no answer. hopefully this doctor will help me find those answers. I LOVE YOU! I KNOW YOU WILL READ THIS! this is all my fault and i will make it so none of the past "actions" will happen again. am i saying that i will be perfect in the future? no. and i know you can't say the same about yourself. i didn't marry you because you were perfect! i never took people seriously when people told me they had to take meds to keep under controll, or whatever their situation may be. why was i never recognized as a manic depressive or depressed or whatever my ailment might be? by my parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers? i don't know. maybe the people surrounding me in my life didn't take mental illnesses seriously either. i don't want my life to date to be defined by actions i did not have 100% controll over. (even before i met my wife, i have had problems in social situations, school, etc) now i am paying for it. my wife and kids are paying for it. i am not trying to blame my situation on an illness (of which i have not been confirmed to have, mind you, i have not actually been in to see the doctor - he only says it sounds like the symptoms). this is just another page in my book. i was told one time long ago, that the long hard road was ahead. i never could have imagined.
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Obviously both of you are hurting here and there seems to be something that both of you want to do about it. Do you think the two of you could sit down and chat with each other across a table without fighting too much (only when the kids aren't there ofc) ? Bubba, you've started walking the tough road, that's good. Stick to it irrespective of where this goes. Do it for yourself. Bubba's Wife, you can see he's willing to make a go of it. Are you ? Just my two bits .. Bobby
Cobra_X30 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 actually' date=' i dont think i can go through anything worse than what my husband has put me through. emotional disaster indeed.[/quote'] That just means you dont need MORE emotional chaos. Look, after reading all this stuff, I think you two should work on something to become friends. Definitely divorce. Bubba needs to learn how to be a husband from this experience. I think you need to forgive each other for the bad stuff and work on creating a good situation for your child!
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