Took two steps back today

[NorCalDave]

The bottom line is she doesn't respect you. You allow her to walk all over you and you can't respect someone that lets you use them. Keep dating the nurse and see what develops. Get the hope out of your heart for this women and stay away from her. We all deserve someone that loves us back.

 

 

I totally agree. Once I walk away for good and don't settle for her crumbs, she'll probably think of me occasionally and think "Wow he respects himself, I wonder if he's found someone else" instead of probably how she's thinking now, "I can walk all over him if I want, anytime I want".

 

For both our sake, I would rather have the former.

[NorCalDave]

People I am so proud of myself...Caliguy you'd be soooo proud of the power I took back for myself tonight.

Okay.

First of all, today, I was driving on the freeway with my co-worker Kim (a hottie, but married) today at lunch. Now, for some reason, traffic was slow and I had this weird feeling I might see my ex on the freeway.

Well, not more than a minute later, honestly, I see my ex driving on the opposite side of the freeway. We were going probably 40 mph, and I saw my ex's face looking directly at me. She had to notice Kim sitting next to me too.

So, I thought that was cool, that maybe it would get her thinking!

Well, after work, I went to the gym like I always do.

My ex was there, even though she hasn't been going to the gym at the same time as me for like 2 months.

It was very crowded so when I walked out of the locker room, not knowing where she was or who she was possibly with, I took a plan of action.

I told myself I would flirt with WHATEVER girl I saw, and I would not look around for my ex, and if I DID see her, I would acknowledge her presence but not stop and talk.

I didn't want her to think that I wasn't going to be civil and ignore her, but I also didn't want her to think that if I saw her, I would jump in her lap like a lap-dog and be her doormat (that she is so used to me being) and try and be her "friend" again.

The plan couldn't have worked more perfect.

So.

I got on the treadmill, and instantly I notice women all around me who I could possibly flirt with.

I chose one lady and we talked and smiled and laughed then she got off and left...okay, cool...not looking around to find the ex, just doing my thing.

I get thirsty.

So I get off the treadmill to go to the water fountain.

On the way there, I see an older-lady friend of mine on the treadmill directly behind me. I reach out and shake her hand and smile.

Guess who's on the treadmill directly behind HER?

The ex.

I looked at her very briefly for acknowedgment, but she was looking straight ahead and very much into her headphones and her workout.

Whatever.

So, I get a drink, and on my way back, I stick to the plan, and acknowledge her presence by lightly tapping her on the arm.

She appears startled, and scowls at me, barely acknowedging me.

I think in my mind, 'stick to the plan, don't let her affect you.'

(Normally what I would have done in this situation is get on the treadmill next to my ex, ask her what's wrong, how can I help, what can I do...basically just be her doormat. But not this time).

I smile back briefly, unaffected by her scowl, and get on the treadmill next to the other lady where we continue to laugh, talk, laugh, talk and the conversation is just amazing fortunately.

Guess what happens.

15 minutes later I feel a tap on my right arm.

There's Alicia, looking up at me with a smile on her face, and she says,

"I just wanted to say sorry for that back there, I was just startled by you, I didn't mean to come off as rude or anything."

Me: "Oh I just figured you were in a bad mood or tired or something. It's all good (still a happy smile on my face)."

Her: "Well yeah, that too"

Me: "Oh you're in a bad mood too? It's okay, it's Monday, don't worry about it, have a good one."

She walked away smiling (the good way, like she respects me and is acknowleding me) and I turned around and got back into my conversation with the other friend.

It felt great.

I feel like I took alot of my power back tonight, and this is the course I will run from here on out. That book No More Mr. Nice Guy is so right on about so many things.

A woman will never love a man if she doesn't respect him.

And women don't respect door-mats, they walk on them, they take advantage of them, they treat them like ****, and they don't sleep with them, they don't think of them other than a pathetic friend who they can have whenever they want.

For her to come up and apologize to me and smile back at me, and for me to stand my ground and act totally unaffected, I am proud.

Whenever I see her at church or the gym in the future, this is the plan of action I will stick to.

And if she never comes back to me?

Oh well, at least I respect myself and because of that, will probably attract a really good woman, more worthy of my time than my ex.

I can see it all surprisingly clear, and I like what I see!

[NorCalDave]

Which brings up the question:

If a woman stops loving a man because she stops respecting him, can she in turn ever love him again if she starts to respect him again?

[funkybassplayer]

Why do you feel like a doormat? you still like her, and i guess she knows that, but you know you cant be friends just yet. You handled the situation to the best that you could, and maybe she likes the attention you gave her, but no more. I think doormat is a saying for angry people, i think its more caring that you showed, and you did what you wanted to do, ask her out. You were not nasty, but she did stir up old emotions in you, and that tells you you have yet to move on, so at this point, friends is still not an option,and take from this that you have much healing still to do.

[NorCalDave]

Why do you feel like a doormat? you still like her, and i guess she knows that, but you know you cant be friends just yet. You handled the situation to the best that you could, and maybe she likes the attention you gave her, but no more. I think doormat is a saying for angry people, i think its more caring that you showed, and you did what you wanted to do, ask her out. You were not nasty, but she did stir up old emotions in you, and that tells you you have yet to move on, so at this point, friends is still not an option,and take from this that you have much healing still to do.

 

 

I feel like I turned into a doormat with her because I started to accept less than great treatment from her, and I would come back and ask for more.

Like last night, she scowled at me when I was simply saying hi.

Normally my doormat behavior would have tried to comfort her and see what's wrong.

But I didn't, I respected myself first, and walked away immediately when I got that bad vibe.

Then I went and enjoyed myself unaffected by her.

That's the difference, and she picked up on it and came and apologized.

She saw the difference in my behavior, and she probably respected me because I was respecting myself.

It's all about respecting myself and not putting myself in a vulnerable position to be hurt.

I know that women are attracted to power, and a man who doesn't respect himself by accepting less than stellar behavior from anyone is not seen as powerful.

I am just trying to change my behavior for myself first.

No wonder she hasn't wanted to take me back..who wants to be with someone who doesn't respect themselves?

Regardless, she ain't coming back, it's a done deal...but if I can respect myself, and she can respect me, I stand a much better chance of maybe rekindling something wayyyy off in the future.

It's all about respect- for myself, and from her.

Yes, I am not ready to be friends with her yet. So, I shall take care of me and not be her lapdog if/when I see her.

And we shall see what happens.

I'm bringing the new girl I am semi-dating to church with me on Sunday, and if the ex is there, she'll have to deal with seeing us.

And once again, I will be friendly and acknowledge her, but I won't go out of my way to talk to her or anything.

I've given my ex so many chances to be with me and go with me to church, so it's her decision she'll have to live with, and she'll have to take the chance of running into me with another woman.

[oppath]

I am just trying to change my behavior for myself first.

No wonder she hasn't wanted to take me back..who wants to be with someone who doesn't respect themselves?

Regardless, she ain't coming back, it's a done deal...but if I can respect myself, and she can respect me, I stand a much better chance of maybe rekindling something wayyyy off in the future.

 

You contradict yourself. If you truly respected yourself, this woman would be DEAD TO YOU! When a girl dumps me, it is over. I will never take her back. That may seem a bit rigid, but not really. If you walk away from this ****, you've made your decision and have to live with it, because I'm not going to grant you my love when you've hurt me.

 

You still want her back. It's ok to miss her. It's ok to feel sad. But get it in your head, dude, that you will never accept her back.

[NorCalDave]

You contradict yourself. If you truly respected yourself, this woman would be DEAD TO YOU! When a girl dumps me, it is over. I will never take her back. That may seem a bit rigid, but not really. If you walk away from this ****, you've made your decision and have to live with it, because I'm not going to grant you my love when you've hurt me.

 

You still want her back. It's ok to miss her. It's ok to feel sad. But get it in your head, dude, that you will never accept her back.

 

 

Right. See, I'm still kind of in my old mentality. You're right.

If I am on this road to self-respect, I should look at her and see someone who left me multiple times, who doesn't love me, someone who hurt me.

I'm just saying that now, I am going one step at a time and will not be her door-mat friend anymore.

That's the first step to this self-recovery.

If I can stay away from her when I see her, and not react so much to her actions (something I accomplished last night) then that puts me on the right path...the path AWAY from her.

Then gradually it will be easier and easier and I will be happy with myself because I am treating myself with respect.

You're right, what I should be saying is, 'The only way I'd ever even consider taking her back is if she shows up on my doorstep apologizing, saying she wants to work on her insecurities and try again, even go to counseling.

But we all know that with this woman, that will never happen.

So enough with the hope for the future, it's time to take care of me in the present.

Thanks for keeping me in check!

[CaliGuy]

Which brings up the question:

If a woman stops loving a man because she stops respecting him, can she in turn ever love him again if she starts to respect him again?

 

Dave, I'll be even MORE proud of you when you STOP CARING what Alicia thinks about you or even worry about seeing her. When you STOP going to same gym, when you STOP looking for her on the freeway.

 

You spend an enormous amount of your time (wasting is more like it) wondering about HER instead of focusing on yourself.

 

You should continue to read NMMNG and focus on YOU.

 

As for women respecting you after having lost it, very rarely. She'll respect you much more when you stop making excuses for "bumping" into her.

[CaliGuy]

Which brings up the question:

If a woman stops loving a man because she stops respecting him, can she in turn ever love him again if she starts to respect him again?

 

Dave, I'll be even MORE proud of you when you STOP CARING what Alicia thinks about you or even worry about seeing her. When you STOP going to same gym, when you STOP looking for her on the freeway.

 

You spend an enormous amount of your time (wasting is more like it) wondering about HER instead of focusing on yourself.

 

You should continue to read NMMNG and focus on YOU.

 

As for women respecting you after having lost it, very rarely. She'll respect you much more when you stop making excuses for "bumping" into her.