Took two steps back today

[NorCalDave]

...I feel horrible right now...I ran into the ex today....my heart is still beating fast, my mind is racing....I don't know if anyone knows my story but I've been on a self-induced merry-go-round with my 20 year-older-than-me ex for the past few years.

I let her move in with me this summer....she wanted to be friends/roommates, I wanted to possibly get back together.

She ended up moving out after 40 days.

When she moved out, we took two months of no contact.

Until today.

I decided to go the gym to take out my frustrations on my team (Cal) losing today....my ex moved an hour and a half away and I haven't seen her at the gym in over 2 months...so I didn't think I was at risk of seeing her.

But when I went in and started to lift weights, I noticed her out of the corner of my eye.

Immediately, a million thoughts hit my mind all at once.

I suddenly froze up and didn't know what to do.

Suddenly she was next to me and we exchanged hello's.

The music was pumping loud so she was kind of bouncing and dancing around playfully...we laughed, joked, caught up a bit, and it wasn't awkward at all...it was actually quite nice.

Then at one point she did a lower back exercise and I was suddenly reminded of my physical attraction for her...her body was just....staring me in the face.

We continued our own workouts but we kept working out in the same vicinity so all the conversations I've been wanting to have with her, we had.

No heavy stuff, just light conversation.

She hinted that she hadn't seen a movie in forever and also that she had been out dancing the night before.

So, I suggested- like a dummy- that we either go to a movie or dancing sometime....she said, "Yeah, sure..." and then she had to go and said, "It was nice seeing you"....and walked away....I was left feeling empty and wanting more....

...so I called her when I was leaving the gym....we talked more and I said, "Ya know it would be nice if we could always be friends like this"...and she said "Well, yeah, we tried to be friends before but YOU couldn't handle it (which I couldn't, I am soo attracted to her)....for me, it's like a done deal, been there, done that."

At that point, I didn't know what to say. A lump swelled up in my throat and I was silent.

The conversation was going nowhere all of a sudden and I just said, "Well it would be nice to be able to see a movie once in a while, or get some coffee after church, ya know?"

And she said, "Yeah, I know, as long as you know it's not going anywhere, it's fine. Once every 3 months maybe, but not once a week."

 

At that point I just agreed with her and said have a great night.

The thing is, I have been reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and I did exactly what it says not to do.

I put myself out there in a vulnerable situation, asking her to spend time with me because it felt so good to catch up again, and feeling rejection...again.

I know she doesn't love me anymore because if she did, she would have wanted to spend time with me, and it would feel reciprocated.

Instead, I got "it was nice seeing you" and I know that she only wants to hang out once every 3 months.

 

I took 2 steps back today by not immediately walking out of the gym right when I saw her.

Instead of walking away from someone who hurt me and doesn't love me anymore, I let her hurt me more.

Why?

I guess because I have been missing her for 2 months and wondering if I would ever see her again.

Well I saw her, and I feel horrible right now.

It's tough to think that I can still love her but she has completely disconnected.

And even though she's come back before twice, all I have to remember are her words over the phone: "Been there, done that. Done deal."

 

The same old story I guess. I don't know why I expected different.

[Trialbyfire]

The music was pumping loud so she was kind of bouncing and dancing around playfully...

Then at one point she did a lower back exercise and I was suddenly reminded of my physical attraction for her...her body was just....staring me in the face.

She hinted that she hadn't seen a movie in forever

that we either go to a movie or dancing sometime....she said, "Yeah, sure..."

she said "Well, yeah, we tried to be friends before but YOU couldn't handle it (which I couldn't, I am soo attracted to her)....for me, it's like a done deal, been there, done that."

 

 

Dave, I quoted the pertinent points. She played you like a fish.

[Bosiell]

That blows Dave, sorry the hear that story. As tbf has stated she has played you big time, pretty pathetic really. Do not beat yourslelf up tho, the way you reacted was only natural, but you will learn from that, regain those steps and some. You CANNOT do that friends thing while you still have strong feelings, simple as. I have mulled that over so much recently about my ex, but I know I just cannot do it, I will not get over her that way.

 

Tell her where to get off and look after number one.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Damn man where's your B***s?

 

Check it out, yeah you could just go out for meaningless coffee. Keep your feelings seperate from her. Didnt we tell you a long time ago to switch gyms? If your gonna be this affected by a person who treated you like garbage, you need NC!

 

So now your back to square one!

 

The besy thing to do is forget going out to coffee and keep your eyes ahead, look forward and stay forward. Trust me for an old chick she might be fine but her insides are messed up, what about the future that you want for yourself.

 

A wife, kids, a marriage. You are the only one who is holding yourself back from it. It's time to think about only you. Stop obssessing over this dumb broad!!!

[CaliGuy]

At that point I just agreed with her and said have a great night.

The thing is, I have been reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and I did exactly what it says not to do.

 

Easy to read, hard to do, eh? Don't beat yourself up over it. Recognizing your mistakes is the key to preventing them in the future. So you had a breakdown? It happens to all of us.

 

I put myself out there in a vulnerable situation, asking her to spend time with me because it felt so good to catch up again, and feeling rejection...again.

I know she doesn't love me anymore because if she did, she would have wanted to spend time with me, and it would feel reciprocated.

Instead, I got "it was nice seeing you" and I know that she only wants to hang out once every 3 months.

 

I took 2 steps back today by not immediately walking out of the gym right when I saw her.

Instead of walking away from someone who hurt me and doesn't love me anymore, I let her hurt me more.

Why?

I guess because I have been missing her for 2 months and wondering if I would ever see her again.

Well I saw her, and I feel horrible right now.

It's tough to think that I can still love her but she has completely disconnected.

And even though she's come back before twice, all I have to remember are her words over the phone: "Been there, done that. Done deal."

 

The same old story I guess. I don't know why I expected different.

 

What you have to do is stop going to places you know she could possibly be at. We've discussed this before. And going to the same gym she goes to it would have been good for you to expect her to be there and plan ahead what you would do.

 

It doesn't matter what she thinks anymore. She's old news. Keep focusing in on you, keep reading the book and plow forward with your life. You can't change the past. It'd done and over with. So put all of the focus on TODAY and your future and try not to think about her.

 

There's a great woman out there waiting to meet you, when you are through with your ex.

[carrotgirl]

my ex moved an hour and a half away and I haven't seen her at the gym in over 2 months...so I didn't think I was at risk of seeing her.

 

Who drives an hour and a half to go work out at a gym? Think it's like TBF, and CaliGuy said.... yah, she played you and also, don't beat yourself up on this one. Onto bigger and better!

 

Carrot

[Yamaha]

When are you going to realize she likes it that you want her? She gets such a rush out of messing with you and YOU LET HER.

 

Take your lumps and get on with your life.

[NorCalDave]

Dave, I quoted the pertinent points. She played you like a fish.

 

Played me like a fish?

Think so?

Yeah, another thing she mentioned that I thought was weird was she told me she went dancing with the girls from her salon the night before, and that she had wore a revealing dress, and when her nephew saw her leaving, he said, "Oh tia, you're going to catch tonight!"

So, for some reason, she wanted me to know that the night before she was wearing sexy, revealing clothing.

I didn't know how to react to her telling me that. I just said, "Yeah, young kids are more perceptive than you'd think."

But why would she want me to know that she was wearing a sexy dress the night before, and that her nephew even made a comment about it?

Obviously she has no sensitivity for how that would make me feel...I dunno, maybe she was just making conversation....but it seemed odd that she would tell me that...

So, is all this a game to her? Am I just a little lapdog that she comes to and runs from?

I just remember her telling me this summer, "I want to be friends with you the rest of my life."

Not many people, girls or guys, tell me that. It feels good to hear something like that.

But when I asked her to be friends again yesterday she immediately let me know that I can't handle being friends and that to her we are a done deal....but we can hang out and go to a movie, "every 3 months or so."

Who says that?

I told my roommate that she told me that and my roommate immediately exclaimed, "What? What a bitch!"

Why is she so mean to me?

I always treated her with so much care and love.

The book is helping me to see the difference between being nice and caring, and a doormat. I guess at some point I became the doormat, and I guess she'll always see me that way now (until I change my behavior with her) and so maybe she gets a kick out of playing around with my emotions.

 

The one question I want to ask her now is, "Why did you ever get together with me and commit to me (2 different times) and say you love me if you knew you were just going to leave anyways?"

Seriously, I'd like her to answer that question.

 

I remember our second go-around, the weeks leading up to the breakup she started mentioning things like, "Well what if we're not together in 5 months and we can't go on that trip together?"

And, "I wonder why God put us together for this period of time?"

 

It's like she knew our relationship was going to expire, and that she would leave, but she just prolonged the inevitable and kissed and made love with me up to that last day.

Was I just a rebound? Was I around just to make her ex jealous?

She always mentioned how her ex was very insecure about us.

Why was she with her ex two weeks after our breakup?

Were they planning on seeing each other while we were still going out?

 

I know these questions shouldn't matter, but I'm sorry, I put my heart on the line with this woman and there's still so many things I don't understand.

Maybe because of the age gap she just never really gave us a chance in her mind. But maybe the connection we had was so strong that she just had to give in, even though she knew she would leave again at some point...

...For something that supposedly felt so good to her- "with you it's like licking a lollipop, you can't lick just once", in her words- it amazes me that she can just walk away and not care and simply slide into friendship mode.

Maybe menopause and hormones have something to do with that.

But why did she kiss me and tell me "No one's ever treated me as good as you" 2 months after our breakup?

Why wouldn't she want to be with someone who treats her the best?

I guess the age difference and her insecurity with it.

 

There's so many things when I write it out...yeah, I can see that this would never work.

Now I just have to shut that "hope" switch off in my heart.

I hate that switch!

[oppath]

Dave, she has treated you this way BECAUSE YOU LET HER. And there were numerous RED FLAGS in your relationship that YOU CHOSE TO IGNORE.

 

Yes, she is a bitch.

 

Regarding friendship: it was too soon for you to be friends before, and it seems to be too soon now. She wasn't being bitch, she was trying to say "I don't think it is a good idea to be close friends because you need to heal and move on."

 

It sounds to me like she cares about you a lot and wants to give you that space.

 

That does not mean she's not a bitch.

 

But YOU allow her to treat you this way. Moving on is hard, especially when you feel victimized some how. I'm going through it too. I still have pains of my ex and feeling ****ed over. I write emails and don't send them every 2 weeks or so, expressing anger. But I recognize that for all her BS, I made decisions too. I allowed her to take advantage of me. I knew things weren't right, but I didn't put my foot down.

 

Find a different gym. Let her lie in your past.

[Chrome Barracuda]

2X4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Stop questioning everything and let her go man!!!

 

Grow some freaking balls!!!!

 

Your a chump and she doesnt want you. You remeber how laura treated steve on family matters!!! Right now your urkel!!! and your getting clowned around and led by your nose, shoot she got your nose wide open she can drive a damn 18 wheeler up there and you wouldnt notice!!!

 

Let her go!!!!

 

Your gonna be stuck for the rest of your life on some old bitch!!!! How pathetic is that!

[NorCalDave]

2X4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Stop questioning everything and let her go man!!!

 

Grow some freaking balls!!!!

 

Your a chump and she doesnt want you. You remeber how laura treated steve on family matters!!! Right now your urkel!!! and your getting clowned around and led by your nose, shoot she got your nose wide open she can drive a damn 18 wheeler up there and you wouldnt notice!!!

 

Let her go!!!!

 

Your gonna be stuck for the rest of your life on some old bitch!!!! How pathetic is that!

 

 

I'm a chump? A little harsh, I'm sorry that I love the woman still, even though she's a bitch.

[NorCalDave]

Dave, she has treated you this way BECAUSE YOU LET HER. And there were numerous RED FLAGS in your relationship that YOU CHOSE TO IGNORE.

 

Yes, she is a bitch.

 

Regarding friendship: it was too soon for you to be friends before, and it seems to be too soon now. She wasn't being bitch, she was trying to say "I don't think it is a good idea to be close friends because you need to heal and move on."

 

It sounds to me like she cares about you a lot and wants to give you that space.

 

That does not mean she's not a bitch.

 

But YOU allow her to treat you this way. Moving on is hard, especially when you feel victimized some how. I'm going through it too. I still have pains of my ex and feeling ****ed over. I write emails and don't send them every 2 weeks or so, expressing anger. But I recognize that for all her BS, I made decisions too. I allowed her to take advantage of me. I knew things weren't right, but I didn't put my foot down.

 

Find a different gym. Let her lie in your past.

 

So I guess it's a bad idea to have her cut my hair this week huh? Dang, 'cause she knows how to cut my hair perfect.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm a chump? A little harsh, I'm sorry that I love the woman still, even though she's a bitch.

 

That's right she's a bitch!!!!

 

She doesnt care about you or your little feelings!!!!

 

Dont you understand, your doormat man!!! When she gets dirty from other relationships she wipes her feet on you, because you let her. Your the one who's weak willed. You think I'm harsh but it's the truth!!!

 

Goddamn where's gunny where you need him!!!

[sedgwick]

Hey guys...would it be possible not to refer to women as bitches, old bitches, old chicks, or broads?

[NorCalDave]

Hey guys...would it be possible not to refer to women as bitches, old bitches, old chicks, or broads?

 

 

Yes....but in this case, she is older than me substantially (probably the root of our breakups) and she is and has been acting like a selfish bitch.

It's true.

I've also been a bitch, but probably more like a "little bitch" for being doormat boy.

So, it's not a gender thing. We're both bitches in this case.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hey guys...would it be possible not to refer to women as bitches, old bitches, old chicks, or broads?

 

NO!!!!

 

lol. I call it like I see it!

 

I'll try to tone it down but damn I feel the hate through the damn computer screen!

[NorCalDave]

NO!!!!

 

lol. I call it like I see it!

 

I'll try to tone it down but damn I feel the hate through the damn computer screen!

 

 

feel the hate from whom?

[sedgwick]

Ooo, does that mean I get to be a b@stard and a pr*ck?

[sedgwick]

I tried to simply state my request without chastising anyone. I don't "hate" people. It just makes me uncomfortable, as I am a woman using these boards to help me heal from a breakup, and I'd like to feel welcome and comfortable here even though I have a vagina.

[Chrome Barracuda]

feel the hate from whom?

 

 

I hate you because of what your doing to yourself. You remind me of a friend I had back in the day when he thought this girl he was chasing was made out of gold and we was all saying to him she aint nothing and in the end after months of him saying she's the best, she turned out to be a complete loser who didnt even love him.

 

I hate her because she's not making it clear that she's moved on, she playijng games with your emotions.

 

And last I hate it because at one point I was just like you in the same exact situation, When the light bulb in your heart comes on, Your gonna feel hate and resentment and a willingness to make better for yourself.

 

I moved on from the chick I was chasing and I feel a whole lot better.

[Blurple]

Hey guys...would it be possible not to refer to women as bitches, old bitches, old chicks, or broads?

 

Depends, when you have learned as much as I have about GIRLS and seen the conniving, exploitation of other men with using their bodies. Not being able to make up their minds and hurting the other party in process of being stupid and confused all the time.

 

*Those words at the best description a man can use so that the other man knows what hes talking about.

 

*not saying that all woman are like this (always exception to the rules)

[oppath]

Hey guys...would it be possible not to refer to women as bitches, old bitches, old chicks, or broads?

 

Absolutely, please understand I was referring to this one woman because I believe the OP has not really gone through the anger phase. Yes, he has felt victimized, but at some point he needs to realize his ex really took him for a ride, and he has some responsibility for it, but it is ok, because even good people (his ex and himself) make mistakes. Humans are imperfect.

 

I'm not familiar with you sedgwick, but if there were some guy who really took you for a ride, I would not hesitate to call him an ******* if I felt you had him on a pedestal.

 

My ex was a fantastic woman, but she was a bitch in the end. It took a while for me to take responsibility for my share in her screwing me over, namely me not asserting boundaries or tolerating behavior I knew didn't meet my definition of a healthy relationship. How she treated me was wrong, and she was a bitch, but I needed to learn to make better choices. Norcaldave needs to make better choices. I've never felt he truly went through anger in the sense that he doesn't see her for who she is and he hasn't accepted his own responsibilities yet. I'm sure she is a lovely woman in many ways, but she also treated him poorly and with a lack of assertion. I really think the attitude that "she is a bitch and I can do better" would be good for him to take, as long as he doesn't embitter himself towards all women.

 

For me, I think my ex is a bad person despite some tremendous qualities, and I still have anger, but I don't believe other women would treat me as callously as she did in the end. She is a bitch, but women aren't. Women are awesome, and my experience on LS has given me LOTS OF HOPE that there are amazing women in the world.

[NorCalDave]

I hate that I am still this way too. I hate that I give her so much power and that I have wasted so much time on her.

What can I say, I haven't met anyone I feel as strongly about...hopefully I will in the future.

What I am finding with this new girl I am kind of dating is that there are really, really, nice, giving, beautiful women out there who will treat me a thousand times better than how my ex did.

This new girl doesn't "do it" for me like my ex did physically and chemistry wise, but she is so thoughtful and caring and not selfish. She always offers to bring over a bottle of wine and a movie, and she listens to what I have to say, and she is generally very sweet. She's a nurse, so I guess she's a naturally caring person.

On the other end of the specturm is my ex; all conversations revolved around her, all decisions were made by her, everything was always about her.

She wanted sex? She went to me.

She needed money? She went to her other ex.

One of us started fading away from her? She would reel us in.

 

I was always trying to please my ex, and I could never do anything right.

Only a handful of times did I ever get a phone call from her where she was just asking about me and how I was.

Most of the time she called me only to tell me something about her or her family or her friends or her ex or some other bull****.

I always listened intently and gave feedback, even when I wasn't even sure what she was talking about.

Even when I did something totally thoughtful for her, like replacing her screen door, I didn't do it right or fast enough.

With this new girl Sara, all I have to do is send a simply "Hey beautiful" text message to her and she texts back "Oh you're such a sweetheart."

 

I wish my ex would have been appreciative of how good I was to her and didn't always pick on me all the time. I wish my ex was more giving and loving and nurturing....but she's not.

It is refreshing though, to know that all women are not as selfish and narcissistic as my ex. Now if I can just find that passion and chemistry with a sweet girl, I'd be a happy man.

I know I know, the key is to be happy without any woman. But we all know a man needs a good woman to be truly happy.

[Yamaha]

The bottom line is she doesn't respect you. You allow her to walk all over you and you can't respect someone that lets you use them. Keep dating the nurse and see what develops. Get the hope out of your heart for this women and stay away from her. We all deserve someone that loves us back.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, she played to your weaknesses.

I hate that I give her so much power and that I have wasted so much time on her.

Loving someone shouldn't be about a power struggle. Weakness is a strength because the strength is put into the relationship, before you.

 

You were weak with the wrong person for you, so it's time to man up and take back your power.

What can I say, I haven't met anyone I feel as strongly about...hopefully I will in the future.

You've been obsessing over this woman for years. It's not surprising your feelings for anyone else won't come close to it, especially considering that 50% of the strength of the emotion, was built on fantasy.