Etoile013 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Hi, I'm new to this site and really needed an answer to my problem. I'm 29 yrs old and my husband and I have been married for 8yrs but have been together for ten. For the past year and a half or two, I've had this crush on this guy that I work with part-time and my husband not only happens to know him pretty well, but think's that this guy has a crush on me too and although, I haven't admited to my husband how I feel, he knows that I have a crush on this guy. I try not to flirt and avoid the man as much as I can to try to make the feeling that I have for him go away but for some reason, he seems to always know when I'm coming and we always end up running into eachother. The longest I've went without seeing him, was a month. When I see him again however, the feeling seems to get stronger than before. I have not told him how I feel but I know that he senses how I do. It's not going away one bit. I see it in this man's eyes how he feels about me but, I also see that he respects the fact that I'm married. He tries not to be too pushy. And even though things are rocky with my husband, I don't want to hurt him in any way. But I feel that my husband is moving in a direction and me in another. I want children and he's 43yrs old, already got two and wants no more. My time clock is ticking. What am I suppose to do, wait another 10 yrs for him to tell me that he still wants no more kids??? I love him dearly but this has really put a strain on our relationship I can't trick him into having more he'll only resent me. And this guy, he' 37 and has two of his own from prev. My husband, keeps throwing up hints about me moving on. But it just seems so hard I'm not heartless. I've never felt like this about any man since I've been with my husband. This crush just grew on me because when we had first met, I thought he was attracting but I didn't feel anything for him for a while. All I saw was my husband. He wasn't too shy of making me notice him either. He's not too shy a person at all but lately, when I come around, he's very happy to see me but seems to be a little more shy and intimidated of me. But that's how he makes me feel! I can go on and on. I haven't been able to tell anybody. I don't want to make the wrong move. Please, help!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ocean-Blue Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 You say that your H has been dropping hints that he'd like you to "move on". What does this mean exactly? Do you think he's suggesting that you two separate or get a divorce? If that's the case, perhaps you should consider sitting down with him and talking things out. Get it all out there on the table. And then figure out what you want to do. Your marriage is in a total rut right now b/c you want kids and your H doesn't. If you can't see your life w/out children and he is insistent that he wants no more...well it's an insurmountable issue, isn't it? If he's not willing to budge, you really need to figure out what you want to do. Don't focus on your crush for now. This is about your marriage and your future. Do not allow this crush to be a determining factor in how you choose to proceed. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Hi, I'm new to this site and really needed an answer to my problem. Please, help!!! Bonsoir, Etoile! I was going to tell you, Don't Do It! But, after hearing about your desire for children I really felt for you. Did your husband promise you children in the beginning? Is he adament about not ever having any with you? This is something you definitely need to discuss with him before you make any decisions. And if you do decide to start something with this OM (other man) I would say that you're in for a very rocky ride full of emotions you didn't know you were capable of enduring. If you really want to start something with him, get a divorce first. Otherwise, you will experience more pain and frustration than you can imagine. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Etoile013 Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 My husband actually has said for the longest that he wanted a divorce. Every time there's an issue that comes up, that's what he throws up. I just try my best to keep to keep us together. It's just becoming draining however because I try my best to be happy and content with what I have. He likes to complain. I got used to dealing with his temperament. But in the past few years, he just seems to not be able to make up his mind on what he wants. One minute he wants us to be 2gether, the next he wants a divorce. I thought we probably needed counsling, he says everything's fine with him but everything is always wrong with everyone else. Children wise, I have no siblings and my family is not that big. So, yes I do want children. My husband knew this when he first got with me. He on the other hand, never told me that he didn't want anymore. He always made it seem as if he wanted more. He's never told me to go on birth control. I'm helping to raise my step-son who's 13 now. he's been with his father since he was 7. Link to post Share on other sites
jtalia Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 Speaking from my personal experience, please wait until you are divorced before you start ANYTHING with this person. I say this because I am currently going through a similar situation. My OM is my neighbor and my H's friend. The guilt about kills you. At first I thought I could handle it and that we would be able to be "just friends." It has developed way more than that and gets harder everyday to deal with. I do have kids with my H which makes it a little harder. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Etoile013 Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Thank you for the advice White Flower. I've alway's been a 1 man woman and would definately wait before making a move. I wouldn't want to be cheated on myself. That's why I was saying that I try to avoid my crush as much as I can. When we do have small talk about 5 min or less, I don't mention anything negative about my relationship at home when he ask me how my husband is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 My husband actually has said for the longest that he wanted a divorce. Every time there's an issue that comes up, that's what he throws up. I just try my best to keep to keep us together. It's just becoming draining however because I try my best to be happy and content with what I have. He likes to complain. I got used to dealing with his temperament. But in the past few years, he just seems to not be able to make up his mind on what he wants. One minute he wants us to be 2gether, the next he wants a divorce. I thought we probably needed counsling, he says everything's fine with him but everything is always wrong with everyone else. Children wise, I have no siblings and my family is not that big. So, yes I do want children. My husband knew this when he first got with me. He on the other hand, never told me that he didn't want anymore. He always made it seem as if he wanted more. He's never told me to go on birth control. I'm helping to raise my step-son who's 13 now. he's been with his father since he was 7. I'm sorry to hear that your marriage has been a capricious one with its ups and downs. I suppose you never know what kind of mood to expect from your husband? And this makes it difficult because when you bring up important issues he will be wishy-washy. This happens to be what I deal with and I know that sometimes it is just easier to not deal with it at all. But since you are at the crush phase with this OM, you need to get couceling or at least have a serious discussion with your H before your crush goes any further. It seems unfair that your husband got to have biological children, but you don't. Do you have fantasies of having children with your OM? Have you ever asked him if he wants any more children? Don't start something with him if you are basing your crush on the desire to have kids. He may really like you, but may never want to have kids with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Etoile013 Posted October 21, 2007 Author Share Posted October 21, 2007 Do you have fantasies of having children with your OM? Have you ever asked him if he wants any more children? Don't start something with him if you are basing your crush on the desire to have kids. He may really like you, but may never want to have kids with you. The weird thing is that I have not really gave that a thought. He would probably be the only man besides my husband that I would want kids with. But of course I wouldn't just run into making that dicision like that. I've never asked him if he wanted more himself or not anyways. I see that I have an intellectual and emotional attraction to this man. It's not so much sexual although, he does give me butterflies when he's near me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 My husband actually has said for the longest that he wanted a divorce. Every time there's an issue that comes up, that's what he throws up. I just try my best to keep to keep us together. It's just becoming draining however because I try my best to be happy and content with what I have. He likes to complain. I got used to dealing with his temperament. But in the past few years, he just seems to not be able to make up his mind on what he wants. One minute he wants us to be 2gether, the next he wants a divorce. I thought we probably needed counsling, he says everything's fine with him but everything is always wrong with everyone else. Children wise, I have no siblings and my family is not that big. So, yes I do want children. My husband knew this when he first got with me. He on the other hand, never told me that he didn't want anymore. He always made it seem as if he wanted more. He's never told me to go on birth control. I'm helping to raise my step-son who's 13 now. he's been with his father since he was 7. Go to marriage counselling to try to fix the marriage. If the MC doesn't work and you both feel a divorce is necessary, then divorce. But, to throw in the towel without really trying kind of sucks. Not only for you both, but for his kids, as they've been in your life as well. It does sound like you and your husband have problems communicating with eachother. But, that is no reason to cheat on him...Not saying you're going to, but allowing feelings to grow, fantasizing about someone else isn't helping your marriage. Talk to your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
NocturnalRaids Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 Sounds like you should leave your husband, if you two don't share the same interests. Link to post Share on other sites
HeartBrokenInNY Posted October 23, 2007 Share Posted October 23, 2007 do not do not DO NOT start anything with this crush unless you divorce your husband. It will not lead to anything and will only cause a lot of pain for everyone, unless you intend to leave your husband for the other man. And if you do have that intention, divorce him first. I wish I had a better reply to your post but I am currently in a similar situation, except that I'm the other woman. Indeed, it causes a lot of heartache and although I don't regret us having been together, at times I wish had I known what would happen and had been a stronger person and not give in. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 do not do not DO NOT start anything with this crush unless you divorce your husband. It will not lead to anything and will only cause a lot of pain for everyone, unless you intend to leave your husband for the other man. And if you do have that intention, divorce him first. I wish I had a better reply to your post but I am currently in a similar situation, except that I'm the other woman. Indeed, it causes a lot of heartache and although I don't regret us having been together, at times I wish had I known what would happen and had been a stronger person and not give in. I so agree with you here;) Link to post Share on other sites
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