lost4ever Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Has anyone ever been to a weekend marriage retreat thing? I am kind of thinking about it, but need opinions
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Been to a few, sure. Generally we've enjoyed them very much. The best for us was one where John Grey did one of his first "Men are from Mars/Women from Venus" courses. We stayed at the Four Seasons for the weekend, met a lot of nice couples, had a great time, got some laughs and some really good information. Also did a marriage builders weekend retreat thru a local church....was a bit more religious than I was prepared for I think, but the course material was the Five Love Languages and the author (Chapman) was the speaker. Again, excellent stuff. I'd say go for it....but you are likely to get more out of it if the two of you are already in "listening/learning" mode. I wouldn't recommend it as a replacement for true MC by any means. But as a refresher course or enrichment thing, excellent way to fill up a weekend!
Author lost4ever Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Thanks, my situation is a mess, we are in the listening/ learning stage I guess, ( trying to get back together after an affair, and a speration, and divorce papers signed; not final) We went to MC for a bit (neither of us liked it) We ae both "ify" on if we should even try to make this work, I guess I thought of this more as a weekend to "look" at our relationship to see if we should even try. We love eachother, We are just going down two really different paths. And the religion thing is really a bother to me, I don't want any retreat that is even semi-related to a church...maybe I'll look into the mars/venus one; we both read that book and liked it.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 We love eachother, We are just going down two really different paths. And the religion thing is really a bother to me, I don't want any retreat that is even semi-related to a church...maybe I'll look into the mars/venus one; we both read that book and liked it. Well, Its kinda pointless unless he is willing to change. Has he said that he is willing to change? Plus you have some issues to work on regardless. Is he willing to help you?
Curmudgeon Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 A caution! Most retreats are designed to take a good marriage and make it great. By the same token, they can spell the end to a "bad" one.
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Thanks, my situation is a mess, we are in the listening/ learning stage I guess, ( trying to get back together after an affair, and a speration, and divorce papers signed; not final) We went to MC for a bit (neither of us liked it) We ae both "ify" on if we should even try to make this work, I guess I thought of this more as a weekend to "look" at our relationship to see if we should even try. We love eachother, We are just going down two really different paths. I really don't know quite what to recommend to you then. On the one hand, the marriage retreat weekends are, by and large, filled with normal everyday married couples, some of whom may be dealing with an issue and others who are doing just fine but go to them as an "enrichment" thing. On the other hand, you could find yourself surrounded by several happy, normalized couples and learn some things from them, or it could be a miserable weekend of being surrounded by happy couples and you can't relate because you've got some elephant-sized issues in your own relationship. And as Curmudgeon said, that can take a troubled marriage and make you feel like crap when comparing yourself, or make you believe that there's just too much damage to repair. I've actually seen that happen in a few sad circumstances. Can I ask why MC didn't appeal to either of you? Did you consider trying a different MC if the one you tried wasn't meeting your needs? Typically (not always) MC won't work unless both couples are open and willing to communicate with the MC and each other. If that's not the case, it's just a waste of time. Likewise, the central theme for most of the weekends is communication, you'll do several workshops with other couples, you'll do several little homework assignments with your spouse. My instinct is to tell you to go to one....at this stage, I doubt it can hurt. You may not get EVERYTHING out of it, but I doubt it can hurt. You may also try reading one of several good books prior to the event together...as in shoulder to shoulder, on the couch, reading a chapter together each night and then talking about it for 15 mins.
bunset Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I cannot recommend any particular program, but we do continue MC. It's been a rough year or so, and there are still questions about our ability to keep it together. I guess fortunately (or un) we are both too stubborn to 'give up'. This also requires a proactive approach by you BOTH. I feel that if you both go to any counseling together, it demonstrates an effort to work on it. That's just one of the pieces of goodwill you need to stockpile to rebuild. If you do choose and go to one, I'd very much appreciate hearing your opinion of it.
quankanne Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 we did a Marriage Encounter weekend nearly a decade ago, and my husband will tell anyone who listens that it's the best thing we ever did for our marriage. while it is a religious-based retreat, the tools they gave us to help us communicate better were fantastic, and for us, the effects have been long-lasting. I can't say that on the outside that we've changed or our marriage has changed, but I do know that because we learned how to communicate better and because we focused on expanding the initial attraction for each other, it's been a Godsend. More importantly, we learned to trust in our relationship and our feelings for one another that even arguments are kept into perspective (i.e., even if we want to knock each other's block off, the love and trust stay the same). even if you are skeptical, if the both of you are willing to make that kind of time commitment for a marriage retreat/enrichment course, go for it.
Curmudgeon Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Believe it or not, the EX and I were a post-Encounter presenting couple. We made three weekends and two "deepers" and look where we are now. The dialogue can be a Godsend as you said. Unfortunately, but not really, it didn't last for us. I certainly hope it does for you. If she'd followed the fair fighting rules (do they still teach those?) things might have turned out differently but looking both back and forward, I'm glad they didn't.
Author lost4ever Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 I really don't know quite what to recommend to you then. On the one hand, the marriage retreat weekends are, by and large, filled with normal everyday married couples, some of whom may be dealing with an issue and others who are doing just fine but go to them as an "enrichment" thing. On the other hand, you could find yourself surrounded by several happy, normalized couples and learn some things from them, or it could be a miserable weekend of being surrounded by happy couples and you can't relate because you've got some elephant-sized issues in your own relationship. And as Curmudgeon said, that can take a troubled marriage and make you feel like crap when comparing yourself, or make you believe that there's just too much damage to repair. I've actually seen that happen in a few sad circumstances. Can I ask why MC didn't appeal to either of you? Did you consider trying a different MC if the one you tried wasn't meeting your needs? Typically (not always) MC won't work unless both couples are open and willing to communicate with the MC and each other. If that's not the case, it's just a waste of time. Likewise, the central theme for most of the weekends is communication, you'll do several workshops with other couples, you'll do several little homework assignments with your spouse. My instinct is to tell you to go to one....at this stage, I doubt it can hurt. You may not get EVERYTHING out of it, but I doubt it can hurt. You may also try reading one of several good books prior to the event together...as in shoulder to shoulder, on the couch, reading a chapter together each night and then talking about it for 15 mins. A caution! Most retreats are designed to take a good marriage and make it great. By the same token, they can spell the end to a "bad" one. We are not too worried about being surrounded by happy couples, we actually get along really well, even when we were fighting, I think we need something to compare our marriage too (to see if it is good or bad) I guess neither one of us know if it is good or bad (sounds strange, but that is how we feel) We are best friends, we have great times together, we don't have the same goals in life (kids, job, or even where to live) and I guess this is what is stopping us getting back togetherm we are both afraid that somewhere down the road it will have been a waste of time because we are so different and neither one of us want to waste the other persons time. Neither of us come from families that are "normal" when it comes to marriage (my parents very un-happy with abuse, and addiction, and everything else that goes with it, but mom stayed "no matter what") and his parents were divorced; they still get along great, now his step mom and dad have been together for years but there church still will not let the step mom be part of the church because she was divorced, I think it would be good for us to see the problems that everyday couples have... Really we just need someone to tell us if it is time to give up. MC didn't go bad, just didn't do anything; we had no problem talking to eachother, both knew the problems (for most part) we just didn't know how to fix them and MC will not tell you how to fix them only how to talk about fixing them...Are problems are not communication, sex, ect...more like I don't want kids, he wants 5 (can't comp with 2...that's silly) I want to get my Masters so I make more money and can shop for things and live the "good" life, he wants to sell all of our things and quit our jobs to run a farm...things like that
DazedandConfused66 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 We are not too worried about being surrounded by happy couples, we actually get along really well, even when we were fighting, I think we need something to compare our marriage too (to see if it is good or bad) I guess neither one of us know if it is good or bad (sounds strange, but that is how we feel) Well actually then, by all means, attend a retreat! That's an excellent way to get comparisons. You may find that your "issues" are more commonplace than you realize and find some other couples who will share with you what worked for them, etc. Really we just need someone to tell us if it is time to give up. I think that's really a decision only the two of you, or one of you, can reach. If someone ever told me to "give up," I'd likely do the exact opposite actually. MC didn't go bad, just didn't do anything; we had no problem talking to eachother, both knew the problems (for most part) we just didn't know how to fix them and MC will not tell you how to fix them only how to talk about fixing them I'm not sure I agree with that statement. I know some excellent MC's who really know how to get couples to deal with root-cause issues. You talk a lot about "symptoms" of why you two aren't seeing eye to eye, but a great MC talks about root causes and has the ability to get you to talk about the RIGHT things, not just about your problems. Anyone can do that....that's not that tough. But getting past the issues to the root causes about WHY you want such different things, and if there is a common thread connecting your root issues to build a scaffold of communication around...that's what separates the good MC's from the great ones IMO. Are problems are not communication, sex, ect...more like I don't want kids, he wants 5 (can't comp with 2...that's silly) I want to get my Masters so I make more money and can shop for things and live the "good" life, he wants to sell all of our things and quit our jobs to run a farm...things like that Please don't take this as making fun of you but wow...that's a huge difference in goals. I'm somewhat surprised the two of you hooked up in the first place given that kind of divide. Sounds like an episode of "Green Acres" to me. Regardless, given the extra information you've shared, then I'd have to say you'd benefit from a retreat weekend. Depending on where you live, there are always some going on, typically in the fall/winter months. Just google "marriage retreat" and you should hit a bunch of listings. There are also private and semi-private retreats for just the two of you or a small group of couples....typically far more expensive, but that's because they take place in locales such as Sonoma, Sedona and such. If you are on a budget, most of the ones I've seen in my area run about $500 a couple for a weekend retreat, includes an overnight stay and most meals at a pretty upscale hotel around here. Good luck!
NoIDidn't Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I know its not a marriage retreat, but go see Tyler Perry's movie "Why Did I Get Married". Its very insightful for those that are in watching/listening/learning mode. I really liked it. A small spoiler: the couple you least expected to make it (with all the mutual cheating), makes it. One never can tell when its time for a M to be over with. Only the people involved can make that decision (married to each other, that is).
Author lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 thanks to everyone for the advice. I don't take the green acres thing in a bad way (it's my opinion too) The movie, I been wanting to see that. I feel that whenever I try to do something to "help" us reach a decision it back fires.. I had him go on the marriage builders website, it only made him more angry/depressed I take the day off work and school to hang out with him we had a great time until the end of the night, then he said it hurt too much to be near me and made me go back to my apartment. (then changes his mind before I even get home ..5 min later) I am afraid to move because it will upset him, I don't understand what he wants, I have told him if he don't think he can go on with the M, I understand and we will sign the papers right then, but he will not tell me either way, he says he wants me back (but still don't want me to move back home) He can't let go of me one minute/ and be by me the next; I just need an answer, I hope the weekend thing works one way or another...All he has to do is say one time he can't do this and I will leave, but he will not...but yet he won't try anything
quankanne Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 are y'all getting individual counseling, esp. him? Sounds like he's got an inability to follow through, and there could be something in his past that affects him this way. You know: If I don't decide for myself, the decision will be made for me therefore I don't have to take responsibility for that action because it was thrust upon me ... IC will help him pinpoint this indecisiveness and help him surpass it (ideally). Otherwise, you'll be the one stuck making all the decisions and having to deal with any fallout if he doesn't get help for himself.
Author lost4ever Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 esp. him? Sounds like he's got an inability to follow through, and there could be something in his past that affects him this way. You know: If I don't decide for myself, the decision will be made for me therefore I don't have to take responsibility for that action because it was thrust upon me . It's not him, it's both of us, that's why we need someone from the outside to say look jerks, Yes you belong together now work on it...or Look Jerks, you both are crazy and need to go your own way (notice both times we are both jerks )
quankanne Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 ah, unfortunately it doesn't work that way! what is it that dear abby/ann landers says? "Ask yourself, 'Am I better off with him or without him?' and let that guide you."
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