JaneInVegas Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I have a hard time building self-esteem in my daughter, who is 14. My parents didn't know how to build any, so I don't have much self-esteem, and I can't teach my daughter something I've never known for myself. My daughter is beautiful and intelligent, but she doesn't think she's either one, and it breaks my heart. To make matters worse ... 2 weekends ago I caught her having sex with her boyfriend. She's 14, he's 15. So now she's grounded until January. She says I hate her and I'm trying to ruin her life (yadda yadda yadda) How do you build self-esteem during such critical times? She's not allowed to talk to her friends, or go anywhere except for school and run errands with her dad and I, and she's getting miserably down on herself. I have no idea how to boost her spirits while keeping her grounded until January!
melodymatters Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 My daughter is also 14, so I can symathize. Does she have any interests, sports, a local theatre troupe, where she can meet people, use her skills and gain real, lasting self esteem ?
Lizzie60 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I think that self esteem is somehow 'genetic' to some degree... My daughter is extremely strong and independant... and very intelligent.. never had any problems with her.. she was a 'model' kid... She has very strong self esteem... what I did... nothing extraordinary... I always told her she was smart and beautiful... and that she could do anything she sets her mind on... She's always been very hard on herself, she's a perfectionist.. not always a good thing.. but in her case, it serves her right... she always pushed herself passed her limits... But, really, I know a lot of parents who tells them the same thing, but yet, the child is very insecure... I think it's got a lot to do with their personality... some kids are stronger than others... it's like that.
Lizzie60 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 that I agree with Melody... put her into all kinds of activities.. ballet jazz, theatre, music..etc.
nittygritty Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Individual Counseling for her and Family Counseling may help. Spend quality family time together... Its possible that some of it is just manipulation after being caught and losing her freedoms and friends. Keep her so busy doing chores and family activities that she doesn't have very much time feeling sorry for herself. She does need healthy activities like sports, art, music, drama, dance, academic clubs, etc. to help some of her self esteem issues but her having sex so young is really bad for her self respect and self esteem. I think counseling might really help this situation if you could find a good psychologist that specializes in teens.
BlueEyedSarah Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I caught her having sex with her boyfriend. She's 14, he's 15. So now she's grounded until January. She says I hate her and I'm trying to ruin her life (yadda yadda yadda) If she isnt having sex inside the house it would be elsewere. I know its not right to be having sex at such a young age but I don't agree you should ground her for it. I think you should have sat her down and had a girl talk about safe sex, contraception ect. Maybe you have done this already though? Even if you have its good to keep reminding her about safe sex. Would you ground her if she was 18 and having sex with a boyfriend?
nittygritty Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 If she isnt having sex inside the house it would be elsewere. I know its not right to be having sex at such a young age but I don't agree you should ground her for it. I think you should have sat her down and had a girl talk about safe sex, contraception ect. Maybe you have done this already though? Even if you have its good to keep reminding her about safe sex. Would you ground her if she was 18 and having sex with a boyfriend? There is a big difference between 14 and 18. Should they provide them a bed or hotel room? If they had caught her smoking pot should they teach her how to roll a joint? If she had gotten drunk should they teach her how to hold her liquor? If she were smoking cigarettes should they start buying them for her? No It sounds to me like the girl may have had too much freedom. She's proven that she's not mature enough to make good choices for herself and being grounded until January is nothing compared to the type of consequences she's putting herself at risk for. Its possible she wanted to get caught to see if her parents cared about her. She's got their attention and they need to follow through by showing her they love her enough to care to punish her. Its scary stuff what she's doing and a 14 year old is not emotionally mature enough or responsible enough to have sex. She can't have sex if she loses her privileges to go anywhere other than school and if she gets caught having sex at school she will be suspended. I also hope they had conversations with her about HIV, Herpes and all the other STD's. Also, teen pregnancy, contraception, self respect, self esteem, etc. Perhaps they could also have their daughter volunteer her time helping people. Doing charity work would help her self esteem. Perhaps writing some papers on what self esteem and self respect are, may help too. There is a lot they can do right now to help their daughter.
Sarita12385 Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 I think grounding her for having sex was the right thing to do. I would've been enraged. I also agree that putting her into sports or some sort of extracirricular activity would help. Just stand your ground and keep your foot firmly planted. Don't let her walk over you. 14 is a tough age, I'm sure I was a pain in the rear with my mom You'll get thru this!
kobegirl Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 i dont know how I would react to catching something like that .. it wouldnt be good that's all I know .. grounding is good . I dont have daughters so I cant say i know how it feels but teenagers , yes , i do understand .. it is their world we are living in so they feel anyway . I know if I was in this situation i would be talking to her about birth control and also sexually transmitted diseases.. i would probobly make an appointment to the gynocoogist as well , only because since she has already has had sex , i would make sure nothing worse comes from her behavior such as pregnacy , or illness. because i doubt it will be the last time . as for self esteem , if you feel like you dont have any just act like you do .. fake it till you make it that is what some say . talk confidently with your daughter about how special she is and talk to her about how guys can be ... and such . make her feel like you are understanding her feelings even though you dont approve of or agree with her behaviors. also I just wanted to say , you are not alone , you as well as me and probobly alot of parents out there deal with teenagers that make us so emotional . your doing the right thing for sure grounding her. aparently teens grow out of all this **** eventually . even though it is hard for some of us to believe at times this seems to be the truth . so take heart and do your best . things will get better.
lovelorcet Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Can you please explain to me how and why grounding is the solution to catching her having sex? This seems completely ignorant to me as she has already had sex now. All you are going to do is push her away from you and you will end up having less and less insight into her life. Shouldn't you be looking for ways to build bridges to her and not destroying them?
nalbath Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I'm going through a lot of emotional ups and downs right now, and to be honest, my self-esteem is at my feet. It's that low. I use to be the "role-model" college student a couple of years ago. I had straight A's, made the presidents list, found time for hobbies, and had a very good social life. I was very determined back then, too. I set goals for myself and actually followed through with them. Accomplishing goals always gave me a sense of "pride" and raised my self-esteem in knowing that I was doing something good for myself. However, today. I pay my bills late, I don't attend class much, in fact I will have to pay for my own tuition next semester, because my financial aid is being terminated for making such bad grades. I don't do my homework, I'm not in shape anymore, and I don't have any real goals. Not to mention, I have like 0 social contacts. My point is, is that I realized that I have sunk to the bottom, and that I must swim back to the top of the water. In order to do so, I must plan goals for myself and accomplish them. At your daughters age, you are probably gong to have to help her set some reasonable goals for herself, so she can feel a sense of accomplishment. People strive on feeling like a "good-person" and people get that if they take care of themselves in that way. I hope this makes sense. It might also help to get her into counseling. She's too young to be having sex, and I would keep her in close check, if I were you. You might also want to sign her up for a microbiology course, or take her to go see one so that she can learn about STDs, AIDS, etc. I think it is always better to get a sense of what they are at a "microbe" level, so you can actually see what STD's do to your body...It's very scary...
ghdeter Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 lady im going to put this bluntly, if u catch her having sex once(im a teen i know what shes going through, im 15) chances are shes mad for u breaking it up, and will do it again, 1)tell her the risks 2)i know this sounds bad, but like i said i know first hand whats going on, just make sure shes safe, guys can be afraid to buy condoms so young, so maybe get her some and tell her you dissaprove of it all but if she doesnt want to listen to you she can have these, not only will this help her get over the weirdness of her mom walking in but she can be a little more friendly to you about it and a bit more open about her relationship seeing you understand, also make sure the guy shes dating isnt a weirdo
ghdeter Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 and still do what u can to get her away from sex, im 15 and i know this is a bad road to go down, if anything maybe tell her theres other ways to be intimate besides the home plate, sex is a huge risk in every way and should really be avoided
ghdeter Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 and the self esteem issue, really i dont think that there is much you can do about it, i had a few problems like that when i hit highschool and puberty, they kind of can fix themselves if ur lucky like me, if notmaybe try to get her a little bit of tighter clothing so there isnt as much baggyness in them and makes her appear, well, tighter
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 If she isnt having sex inside the house it would be elsewere. I know its not right to be having sex at such a young age but I don't agree you should ground her for it. Would you ground her if she was 18 and having sex with a boyfriend? Well I can see that you can tell the difference between 14 and 18 by comparing them to each other for an example, I'm not sure how someone could expect the two different ages to be treated the same. There is a huge difference in maturity levels. With me everything is a case by case basis, and there may possibly be some situation where I would indeed ground her for having sex with her boyfriend at 18. What could it be? ... I have no idea. She's my only child so obviously I haven't had to deal with an 18 year old yet.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 It sounds to me like the girl may have had too much freedom. She's proven that she's not mature enough to make good choices for herself and being grounded until January is nothing compared to the type of consequences she's putting herself at risk for. Its possible she wanted to get caught to see if her parents cared about her. She's got their attention and they need to follow through by showing her they love her enough to care to punish her. Its scary stuff what she's doing and a 14 year old is not emotionally mature enough or responsible enough to have sex. She can't have sex if she loses her privileges to go anywhere other than school and if she gets caught having sex at school she will be suspended. NittyGritty, you and I are on the same page. Grounding her for having sex with her boyfriend was to make it as difficult as possible for her to repeat the same mistake and prevent a potential abortion, STD, or whatever else. I know where she is at all times and the two of them do not have any opportunities together. Of course this is a short term solution, but I am using this time to make her understand she is too young and immature to be making sexual decisions. And you're right about her wondering whether her dad and I cared about her enough, we've had a lot of marital difficulties and it's been a bad situation. I've tried to protect her from all of that as much as possible, but I guess it wasn't enough.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Can you please explain to me how and why grounding is the solution to catching her having sex? This seems completely ignorant to me as she has already had sex now. All you are going to do is push her away from you and you will end up having less and less insight into her life. Shouldn't you be looking for ways to build bridges to her and not destroying them? Um ... ignorant? You did read that she's 14, right? The age between 13 and 15? I find it interesting that the two posters who have disagreed with grounding her are both from Europe. Do adolescent kids in Europe run around having sex on a regular basis with their parent's consent? ... or is this just a coincidence? Yes ... she has already had sex now. What is your point? Do you mean that now she is no longer a virgin she is now infertile and immune to STD's? Do you mean that she is now suddenly mature enough to handle the consequences of an immature boy whom she has laid her heart out to, and then dumps her and moves on to his next conquest? I am building my bridges with her in different ways other than saying, "It's okay honey, you're no longer a virgin, you can do whatever you want now. I'll even help you raise your baby while you're in school, or hold your hand while you're dying of AIDS, because I really want that nice big beautiful bridge paved by 'Have Sex All You Want at 14.'" No thank you ... nothankyouverymuch
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 My point is, is that I realized that I have sunk to the bottom, and that I must swim back to the top of the water. In order to do so, I must plan goals for myself and accomplish them. At your daughters age, you are probably gong to have to help her set some reasonable goals for herself, so she can feel a sense of accomplishment. Nabath, thanks for your insight and well thought out post. Do you have any idea what changed in you to lose sight of your goals? One thing I have done to provide the proverbial carrot for my daughter, is earning time off her being grounded. I check her grades online every day, and use those as factors for earning time off, plus not being late for classes (she has a tendency to be tardy), extra credit she does in classes, plus keeping her room reasonably tidy, etc. She's earned off about a week now, and I let her talk to her friends on the phone at night. It's been a tad easier lately, for both of us.
lovelorcet Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Um ... ignorant? You did read that she's 14, right? The age between 13 and 15? I find it interesting that the two posters who have disagreed with grounding her are both from Europe. Do adolescent kids in Europe run around having sex on a regular basis with their parent's consent? ... or is this just a coincidence? LOL!! You think I am the ignorant one here? I am not even going to poke at the irony... 25% of Americans (which I am also) have already had sex by the age of 15. That is 1 in 4. http://www.indiana.edu/~kinsey/resources/FAQ.html#Age By coming down so hard on her you are just going to drive her away. You should be helping her learn how to deal with things like birth control and protection from STDs. And sorry but she is going to get her heart broken at some point and you are not going to be able to protect her from that. Thats just life.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 and the self esteem issue, really i dont think that there is much you can do about it, i had a few problems like that when i hit highschool and puberty, they kind of can fix themselves if ur lucky like me, if notmaybe try to get her a little bit of tighter clothing so there isnt as much baggyness in them and makes her appear, well, tighter Tighter? Baggyness? I'm not sure what you're getting at here. But sweety, I appreciate your openness and honesty. No her boyfriend is not a 'weirdo' (I think that's the word you chose! lol) he's actually very intelligent and I like him. Well, I used to anyway, it's kind of hard to keep on liking him anymore. I guess that's not a good thing, but I can't help it. You've heard this a gazillion times before, but when you're a parent someday, you'll understand. Responsible parents who want the best for their kids are fierce guardians, and once someone has broken through the trust factor, it's pretty hard to get the trust going back again, regardless of how you feel about them.
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 LOL!! You think I am the ignorant one here? I am not even going to poke at the irony... 25% of Americans (which I am also) have already had sex by the age of 15. That is 1 in 4. By coming down so hard on her you are just going to drive her away. You should be helping her learn how to deal with things like birth control and protection from STDs. And sorry but she is going to get her heart broken at some point and you are not going to be able to protect her from that. Thats just life. I don't believe I mentioned anything about you being the ignorant one here. You don't need to throw statistics at me to make me realize the general population is losing morales at an alarming rate, at increasingly younger ages. So because the general population is making worse decisions at younger ages means it's okay for me to allow my daughter to do that too? That reminds me of my mother saying, "If everyone else played basketball out on the Interstate would you do it too?" I don't want my daughter to turn out like the general population. If your odds are true (1 in 4) then I want her to be one of the other 3. I want her to be better than average, I want her to be the best possible person she can be. I want my daughter to be focusing her life on making herself to be a good decent person, not having sex at 14. If you think that makes me ignorant, or naive, or whatever ... I can't help that, you just go ahead and raise your kids any way you see fit. Good luck to you and yours. By the way, what makes you think I haven't talked to her about STD's and pregnancy? And at 14, she is not emotionally prepared for the wiles of boys who say, "I love you, I'll love you forever, let's have sex now and finalize our committment to each other" and then dumps her the next day for the next in line. I'm not sure if you are a male or female, but surely you know the difference between the two sexes at 14. Females are naive about emotions at 14. No, I can't protect her from everything, but I sure as hell can try to do my best.
Recommended Posts