uniqueone Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 It's been months but I still can't seem to get over things. Maybe it's because I can't find anyone I click with. I've just wanted to be friends with him but he doesn't respond. From what I've learned, apparently he experienced a strong narcissistic injury. I figured if I build him up (in my emails to him) that he'd come around. I alternate with missing him and being angry. I (sorta) know that I shouldn't be friends because of how he treated me but there was too much that was good--the shared intelligence level, the similar sense of humor, similar interests, similar dislikes....... And then I think how I've been involved with much worse men. I mean, this guy wasn't after sex, he asked a lot about me, he didn't just run off right away, etc..... I'd be happy to keep him as a distant friend (he's long distance anyway). On the other hand, there are the bad things. Only I'm very forgiving and I also tend to think that the way he acted towards me was due to his self esteem issues. Part of me wants to write to him and tell hiim off for all of the bad things he's done to me. Right now he's justified it to himself that I deserved it (and I haven't blamed him for anything so he's pretty convinced that he was in the right). If I emailed him this, he'd have to see it and he couldn't deny it. The things I would say would make him feel bad. I'm hesitant to write it but afraid it would mean I'd lose the chance of him ever talking to me again.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 You're better off without him. Don't have a past flame as a distant friend. It won't work and you'll only feel worse... It is over and somehow you're going to have to accept that. Another thing to think about - You cannot save him, or help him especially if he doesn't want your help. Don't try to rescue a man 1)because you're lonely, 2) because you feel you can 'save' or 'change' him or 3)give him the 'ego' boost you think he needs. It's wasted energy, and that energy is best spent on YOU!
sedgwick Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Your post reads to me like you don't think you can do any better. I know what it's like to feel you've met the person with whom you have everything in common -- I did, and he dumped me three months ago, and it hurts like hell. But it hurts less than it did, because I have focused totally on myself and the things I love to do. Well, I mean I still think of him every minute, but I have to trust that this one didn't work out because there's someone better. It sounds like you want to send him an email telling him how badly he treated you so that he won't forget you're out there and maybe you can be friends. That's some skewed logic there, missy. What exactly is a "narcissistic injury," anyway?
Author uniqueone Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 You're better off without him. Don't have a past flame as a distant friend. It won't work and you'll only feel worse... It is over and somehow you're going to have to accept that. Another thing to think about - You cannot save him, or help him especially if he doesn't want your help. Don't try to rescue a man 1)because you're lonely, 2) because you feel you can 'save' or 'change' him or 3)give him the 'ego' boost you think he needs. It's wasted energy, and that energy is best spent on YOU! Thanks WWIU. I don't think I'm past the anger though. I feel like if he's never going to talk to me again, I might as well let him have it. I hate to say he really wasn't nice to me because then I look like an idiot for wanting to hear from him again. I guess here on LS, I don't want to say everything he did because then I'm going to really look bad for wanting him still. The thing is there were two of him. Most of the time there was the "good" one (which the one I want back of course). And then there was the "bad" one, which I guess I figure I could either ignore or keep at bay.
directx Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 thats tough Uniqueone. I really feel for you. I think your best bet is to just not write him. I would write a letter to him, expressing everything you feel, but not send it. Then sleep on it. Just my opinion. Good luck!
Author uniqueone Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Your post reads to me like you don't think you can do any better. I know what it's like to feel you've met the person with whom you have everything in common -- I did, and he dumped me three months ago, and it hurts like hell. But it hurts less than it did, because I have focused totally on myself and the things I love to do. Well, I mean I still think of him every minute, but I have to trust that this one didn't work out because there's someone better. I don't know how long you've been at it, but probably not as long as I have, I'm guessing. When you're younger, there's more hope I think. The older I get, the less I see that's "better" (sadly) It's not that the people have changed, but I think when you're younger you're more idealistic about it. (I know I was). I don't know....I don't experience that "Somewhere Over a Rainbow" feeling as much anymore. Anyway my point is that I don't have too much confidence in the statement that there's someone better. I RARELY meet people that I click with. It's not that there wouldn't be someone "better"---- because he wasn't such a nice person sometimes. But it's that there wouldn't be someone that I clicked with (intellectually, physically, etc...) Like I said, it doesn't happen a lot for me. Some people click with a lot of people. For those people, I think it would be easy to say that there's someone better out there for them. Those are the people who fit that saying "There's a lot of fish in the sea". For ME, there's a lot of fish in the sea, but they're all orange fish and I'm a blue one...and it's only occassionally that I see another blue fish... It sounds like you want to send him an email telling him how badly he treated you so that he won't forget you're out there and maybe you can be friends. That's some skewed logic there, missy. Either that....or to scar him for life.....I can't decide.......... What exactly is a "narcissistic injury," anyway? Here's a link on it: http://samvak.tripod.com/journal86.html
Author uniqueone Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 thats tough Uniqueone. I really feel for you. I think your best bet is to just not write him. I would write a letter to him, expressing everything you feel, but not send it. Then sleep on it. Just my opinion. Good luck! Why would you not send it? (And if I sleep on a letter, won't I wake up with ink all over my face?)
directx Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Why would you not send it? (And if I sleep on a letter, won't I wake up with ink all over my face?) I wouldn't send it because I think you should just ignore him and move on. get it out of your system, but show your freedom from him. And Im not responding to that very very bad joke.
Author uniqueone Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 I wouldn't send it because I think you should just ignore him and move on. get it out of your system, but show your freedom from him. And Im not responding to that very very bad joke. But what makes it better not to send it? I don't really get that. I guess you're saying that to HIM it would show that I'm still caring enough to write. Well, he already knows that anyway so this wouldn't be a new one to him. However, BEFORE when I wrote, I wasn't telling him how horrible he was. And who said I was joking? The last time someone told me to write a letter and then sleep on it, it took me three days to get the ink off!
directx Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 But what makes it better not to send it? I don't really get that. I guess you're saying that to HIM it would show that I'm still caring enough to write. Well, he already knows that anyway so this wouldn't be a new one to him. However, BEFORE when I wrote, I wasn't telling him how horrible he was. And who said I was joking? The last time someone told me to write a letter and then sleep on it, it took me three days to get the ink off! Yeah, maybe I am being conceited here. If I was going through what you are, I would do NC. And if you feel the need to contact, write a letter but don't send it. Its a way of getting it out of your system and really clarifying what you feel. Like therapy. I have written a few letters with no intention to send. And I discovered how I really feel sometimes. And to get ink off, use soap. Soap also kills those nasty odors too...
Author uniqueone Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 I would talk about the bad things here (which might help) but I'm reluctant for a couple of reasons. One would be if there were posters who would tell me to "just get over it". Another reason I'm reluctant is, if I talk about those things, then if I end up mentioning wanting to talk to him again, it'll look really stupid.
Author uniqueone Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Yeah, maybe I am being conceited here. If I was going through what you are, I would do NC. And if you feel the need to contact, write a letter but don't send it. Its a way of getting it out of your system and really clarifying what you feel. Like therapy. I have written a few letters with no intention to send. And I discovered how I really feel sometimes. And to get ink off, use soap. Soap also kills those nasty odors too... But you're not really saying what you're reasoning behind it is. WHY would you prefer NC? And how is that making you conceited?
directx Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I would talk about the bad things here (which might help) but I'm reluctant for a couple of reasons. One would be if there were posters who would tell me to "just get over it". Another reason I'm reluctant is, if I talk about those things, then if I end up mentioning wanting to talk to him again, it'll look really stupid. Well, you should just write it for yourself and keep it to yourself. And then maybe destroy it. the responses from most posters can be predicted 90% of the time. You have the self-righteous, the reasonable, and the ones too lazy to read the whole post and just make a quick response to feel involved.
Author uniqueone Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Well, you should just write it for yourself and keep it to yourself. And then maybe destroy it. the responses from most posters can be predicted 90% of the time. You have the self-righteous, the reasonable, and the ones too lazy to read the whole post and just make a quick response to feel involved. Unfortunately, writing and keeping it to myself hasn't worked. I've done that.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Thanks WWIU. I don't think I'm past the anger though. I feel like if he's never going to talk to me again, I might as well let him have it. I hate to say he really wasn't nice to me because then I look like an idiot for wanting to hear from him again. I guess here on LS, I don't want to say everything he did because then I'm going to really look bad for wanting him still. The thing is there were two of him. Most of the time there was the "good" one (which the one I want back of course). And then there was the "bad" one, which I guess I figure I could either ignore or keep at bay. Vent your anger in a letter to him, but do NOT send it. Put all that you feel down on paper...Get the closure you need by writing... He is your past, not your present or future...It's time to let go and move on.
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Unfortunately, writing and keeping it to myself hasn't worked. I've done that. Oops, I didn't see this one before I posted. Okay, well, then post some of those thoughts here and let us 'be' him and help you get the closure you need. Whatever you do, don't contact him.
funkybassplayer Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 if you need to tell him something do it, it will help you move forward with your life, and you know that even if he does not responed it does not matter b/c you said your bit, but personally, i would not send anything bad, maybe thanks for the good stuff, and wish him well. It sounds like you have pain that needs to be freeded to move forward, but i think if you send bad to him, you will feel bad. People like your ex, need love, not bad, cos they only act like they do b/c they are hurting deep inside. If you cant truly want to send nice things to him, then dont send anything. If you can without the need for a responce you will feel better for it. Its not a door mat, but its strenth, to wish some love is far better than to dreage up pain again. He may well see it as weak, thats b/c he cant understand the love you give him, but deep in the heart he will know and so will you.
Author uniqueone Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Vent your anger in a letter to him, but do NOT send it. Put all that you feel down on paper...Get the closure you need by writing... He is your past, not your present or future...It's time to let go and move on. I've done that. It doesn't help. Besides, I want him to feel bad.
Author uniqueone Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 if you need to tell him something do it, it will help you move forward with your life, and you know that even if he does not responed it does not matter b/c you said your bit, but personally, i would not send anything bad, maybe thanks for the good stuff, and wish him well. It sounds like you have pain that needs to be freeded to move forward, but i think if you send bad to him, you will feel bad. People like your ex, need love, not bad, cos they only act like they do b/c they are hurting deep inside. If you cant truly want to send nice things to him, then dont send anything. If you can without the need for a responce you will feel better for it. Its not a door mat, but its strenth, to wish some love is far better than to dreage up pain again. He may well see it as weak, thats b/c he cant understand the love you give him, but deep in the heart he will know and so will you. I think what you're saying is true....except when it comes to a narcissist. See, what you're saying is what I'm trying to get away from thinking. I keep thinking...poor thing...he just can't help the way he acted. Well I've learned that this is a trap that people fall into with the narcissist. They feel sorry for them. And Funky, why would you tell me to remember the good in someone who treated me badly? I mean, just as an example.....would you say that to a woman who lived with an abusive husband?
directx Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 And Funky, why would you tell me to remember the good in someone who treated me badly? I mean, just as an example.....would you say that to a woman who lived with an abusive husband? I would think that an abusive wife should never forget the abuse and never blame herself for it. Thats my guess.
Author uniqueone Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 I would think that an abusive wife should never forget the abuse and never blame herself for it. Thats my guess. But that's what it sounds like Funky is saying. He's saying to remember the good about him and he's saying that the poor guy just does it due to his low self esteem.
Author uniqueone Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Do you know that I flew thousands of miles to see the guy and hadn't eaten in 12 hours and after he picked me up at the airport he went through the drive through of a fast food place, ordered for himself and didn't ask if I wanted anything? Then as he got to the window, he said Oh, I guess I should have asked if you wanted something. The person at the window was waiting. I just said "no, that's ok" . He didn't even say "Are you sure? Not even a drink?" He then ate his lunch in front of me. Then he started talking about his computer problems and how I could fix them while I was there. I told him that the type of problems he's having would involve a lot of time and I'm not sure I could even fix them because I'm not that experienced in that area. He said "Well isn't it all just certain steps you take?" I said "No, not exactly". Then I laughed and said "So...did you invite me here to fix your computer?" He said "Of course not.......that's not the only reason." (Btw, that last part didn't mean sex as he wasn't after sex and some narcissists aren't) Regardless, it's conversations like this that I want to throw in his face. There's no way he can deny this happened and he knows he will look like an absolute a$$.
funkybassplayer Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 but all that stuff you said, does it matter? really? its you who is holding on to the bad stuff, and its stopping you from going forward. Your words are bitter, this will keep you in a dark place. as i said sending stuff cos you want him to feel bad never hepled, it wont b/c your wishing pain on him. What i was saying to let go of your pain is to be strong and move forward. Its not about him, but about you.
Author uniqueone Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 but all that stuff you said, does it matter? really? its you who is holding on to the bad stuff, and its stopping you from going forward. Your words are bitter, this will keep you in a dark place. as i said sending stuff cos you want him to feel bad never hepled, it wont b/c your wishing pain on him. What i was saying to let go of your pain is to be strong and move forward. Its not about him, but about you. You don't even consider what he did bad? And that's only the beginning. Doesn't anyone think this is bad??? Do LS'ers really think this is ok? This is aside from whether or not I should write him. Why doesn't anyone here think this isn't ok?
directx Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 But that's what it sounds like Funky is saying. He's saying to remember the good about him and he's saying that the poor guy just does it due to his low self esteem. Honestly Uniqueone, my perspective on people: when someone does me wrong, I don't forget it. I may forgive, but I don't forget. The way this guy treats you, he doesn't deserve you, your time, or your energy. I never forget the bad - thats how you learn, and the only way you can defend yourself from people that hurt you. If people want to throw the Bible in your face about forgiveness, throw the Bible term 'Don't cast your pearls before swine' right back at them at move on. And regards to the food thing, a person should ask a stranger in their car if they want something, not to mention a past acquaintance. If it was me, I would never forget the bad things he did to you, i wouldn't waste any second of your life you don't have to regarding him, and simply move him out of your mind the best you can. Don't waste your time or feel guilty about treating garbage like garbage. Life is too short.
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