Author luigi Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Was a strange day today. I guess no stranger than the rest. I had a deadline today, so I was pretty busy, but very hard to finish my work. It hit pretty hard today, as I am sure it will do for days to come. At the same time, there were moments where I was convinced I was dreaming. Moments where I thought, hey, seems like a good time to go hug and kiss my wife...then I would remember what happened! These were like split second moments. Then I would look up from my desk, and realize that things were really f'ed up. I told her that though I cannot think to be alone right now, she needs to go for a while. She got a tix back to the states. We will have one counseling session together next week, and then she will leave for the states. We will both go to counselors separately for a while. She was meant to be somewhere in Europe in November, so she will come back here then. Thats about three-four weeks. That seems like sufficient time to make some decisions. She is now wearing my wedding band around the necklace she wears all the time...dunno what to make of this. While I have not spoken to my family about it, I have begin to seek out trusted friends, through they are far away. It has helped to talk...but it does not help that the three lives that were affected are intertwined so much with our community of friends. People don't know what to say, they can't believe it...they hear me, and I guess that is enough for them to know it is true. So time...time time time...
norajane Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I told her that though I cannot think to be alone right now, she needs to go for a while. She got a tix back to the states. We will have one counseling session together next week, and then she will leave for the states. We will both go to counselors separately for a while. She was meant to be somewhere in Europe in November, so she will come back here then. Thats about three-four weeks. That seems like sufficient time to make some decisions. She is now wearing my wedding band around the necklace she wears all the time...dunno what to make of this. Uh, back to the States? Is that where this other guy is? Is she going to stay with him? Why aren't you talking to your family about this? They love you, they care for you, and they can help support you.
Author luigi Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 No, the other guy is not in the states. She is going to stay with her family. I guess the reason I feel I cannot speak to my family is because I am still in doubt. If I continue with what I think is right (divorce) then I will tell them...if not, I will wait for a while to tell them. You are right, they do love me, they do support me. Something just feels premature to tell them...
norajane Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Maybe guys are different. My sister would be the FIRST person I'd call if I even suspected my SO was cheating - I'd want her support as I went through that. I wouldn't wait at all to ask for some help from her, much less wait until I had already decided to divorce.
reboot Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Maybe guys are different. My sister would be the FIRST person I'd call if I even suspected my SO was cheating - I'd want her support as I went through that. I wouldn't wait at all to ask for some help from her, much less wait until I had already decided to divorce.Guys, especially if they hope to salvage the marriage, typically don't want to tell their families that their wife is a cheating ho.
cj1988 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I am so sorry you are going through this pain, at least she told you what happened. A lot of us are still living and wondering what really happnened in our narriage. I can tell you now that December 1st is d-day for me and I am still so upset inside it makes me sick and he still denies it all. So, you have the truth, now make your decision. My H will not even show remorse and is not the same now towards me. I am moving this month to our lake house and belive it or not his D-day will be again December 1st, I wil then decide if he is coming with me or not.....it is not his choice now, he has time to mend my heart and has not, maybe it is best for both. Think of you and ONLY you now. If you stay, it will take years to get over this, can you do that? I tried, I thought I could and cannot. Hope you can for you !
Darth Vader Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Norajane, if his wife went back to the states, and filed for Divorce, would the state that she filed in take precidence over him if he were in a foreign country? Just a feeling I'm having............ Perhaps a disturbance in the Force!
Sal Paradise Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 There is no way you can forgive this. Why is it that people do this? It's bad enough to cheat but do you have to do it with one of their friends? The only thing lower than that is to cheat with a member of their family. This is unforgivable. Walk away before she destroys you to such a degree that you never recover.
jmargel Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Maybe I can offer some insight to your situation since I was once in exactly your shoes. Back then, my ex-fiancee of 5 years cheated on me with my 'best friend'. It made me not trust anyone. It was like a double whammy in that not only did my love betray me, but my close friend did as well. However in my situation she left me for him. Needless to say they got married, had a kid and got divorced. I wasn't about to try to hang onto something that wanted to be let go. Three years later she came to my doorstep asking for forgiveness and told me how immature she was when she was with me. I sent her on her merry way. Each situation is different and I believe first with this 'friend' of yours, you can no longer be friends. This is all on him though, he is the one that betrayed your trust. He could have controlled all of this and his excuse is pathetic. This just shows you that he can do this again. As for your girl, there is no timetable to decide on what to do. You are exactly right in that it is your choice in this decision. Besides the cheating part, how has she been treating you? How is her maturity level? Her kissing him in front of you and her telling him she loves him is a sure sign of immaturity. Was it love? I would doubt it, I would think it's more of infactuation, but I wouldn't tell her that. If she comes to you telling you this, then that might ease your mind, however like most men you want to know how could this happen so that you have the security that it won't ever happen again. Thing is, part of love is being vulenerable. There is no guarantees with your girl or the next if you decide it's over. There are certain boudaries that when crossed are deal breakers. The foundation of your relationship has been torn apart. With that being said it would have to be rebuilt from the ground up. The only thing I can recommend at this point is to not make decisions based totally on emotions. Also look up the 5 stages of grief that is something that you are going through.
Author luigi Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 Went to therapy today. I am not necessarily elated to be going to therapy. It does help to talk about it, but I don't know, never been a fan of it personally... just my own opinion. I am sure it has helped many people. Nothing was said today that had not already been said to each other. Anyhow, she is leaving tomorrow for about a month. Hopefully I can gain some clarity during this time to make the right decision. Thanks for all of your words, very appreciated.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Something bad is gonna happen luigi. Why is she leaving for a whole montha fter y'all fresh in therapy? That doesnt make sense! Right now she's a wayward wife and her judgement cant be trusted. Trust me she'll say she'll need some space and all kinds of bull**** under finding herself. That's BS!!! Watch your back and get to a lawyer now!!!
Author luigi Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 I had not read the replies from cj, darth, sal, and jmargel...thank you. Jmargel and cj, thank you for sharing your stories. Chrome...perhaps you are right. But in this case it is circumstantial. She is to be in Italy in November to support her sister in a trial...her sister was kidnapped and raped, she was going to support her during the trial. So, this set up a sort of 'convenient' (if that word can even be used in this case) timeline. She was otherwise just going to go from here to Italy to meet her mother and sister (not a secret rendezvous, confirmed by her mother). So eventually we came to the agreement that we cannot be in this apartment together while I am trying to make this decision. So, we decided that she would leave from now until she has to go to Italy for the trial. We went today to therapy to start the thing off, get some advice as to how to handle things from here. I will continue to see the therapist here (though I am not particularly happy about that), and she will see a therapist in the states. When she returns it will either be for a few days to pick up her things, or to stay. Don't like that there is a time limit to this decision, I suppose there does not have to be, but it might move my thoughts forward a bit. But Chrome, I hear you!
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