concernedquestion Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Hi, I am/was dating a man until recently. He is a wonderful man in every way except one. He carries a lot of guilt about being a single father. I admire his devotion as a father. but, sometimes, I feel like a second class citizen in this relationship. he never plans anything on friday evenings or sundays with me.. even when his daughter is busy with other activities. last night, like last friday night he refused to plan anything with me b/c he wanted to be available to pick up and drop off his daughter at some weekly activitiy. this is great.. but, he never considers the idea of a carpool or asking his daughter to specify a drop off and pick up time so that we could plan something. I think this is very unreasonable and am not interested in just waiting around for someone who doesn't value our time enough too. he spent last night waiting in a bookstore until his daughter calls for a pick up. his daughter is 16 years old. I have been in a relationship with him for almost 1 year. we have talked about marriage and having children. I feel very unsettled about this and don't want to be second to his daughter and want to be able to rely on him. now we have an in between period of down time. any thoughts? thanks, concerned
nittygritty Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Being a parent takes priority over dating romantic relationships. Parental love is unconditional. His daughter will need her Dad less and less but she is a permanent fixture in his life, you aren't. Perhaps dating a man with kids isn't something you can handle. If you realize that you can't then you should end the relationship and move on.
Timberlane Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Actually, it sounds like this guy isn't prepared to date you, not the other way around. I never had problems setting up dates with single mothers and my friend is one as well and we do things all of the freakin' time, sometimes over roadtrips and weekends. This guy is just inconsiderate. Let him know you won't accept that and he needs to show you that you matter to him. The proof is in the pudding. If he gives you the tired line about how his kid comes first, then move on.
sb129 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Can you not hang out with him while he is waiting for his daughter to call?
Lizzie60 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Hi, I am/was dating a man until recently. He is a wonderful man in every way except one. He carries a lot of guilt about being a single father. I admire his devotion as a father. but, sometimes, I feel like a second class citizen in this relationship. he never plans anything on friday evenings or sundays with me.. even when his daughter is busy with other activities. last night, like last friday night he refused to plan anything with me b/c he wanted to be available to pick up and drop off his daughter at some weekly activitiy. this is great.. but, he never considers the idea of a carpool or asking his daughter to specify a drop off and pick up time so that we could plan something. I think this is very unreasonable and am not interested in just waiting around for someone who doesn't value our time enough too. he spent last night waiting in a bookstore until his daughter calls for a pick up. his daughter is 16 years old. I have been in a relationship with him for almost 1 year. we have talked about marriage and having children. I feel very unsettled about this and don't want to be second to his daughter and want to be able to rely on him. now we have an in between period of down time. any thoughts? thanks, concerned You will have to get used to being 'second'... and it's normal. His first priority is his daughter.. I know this is hard for you.. but there isn't much you can do about it... He knows his daughter better than anyone else... maybe he just doesn't trust anyone near her, or he wants to know what is going on 24/7... Especially at that age... teenage girls are scary for parents... So I say, be patient and if you can't.. I say move on... find yourself a man with no kids. I understand how you feel... that's why I refuse to date men with children unless they are adults... I do not want to share my time with his children...especially at my age... been there, done that..
OpenBook Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Can you not hang out with him while he is waiting for his daughter to call? I was thinking the same thing. Actually, I admire any man who makes it his top priority to be available to his children. It's no skin off your nose, Concerned... I mean, it doesn't take anything away from your specialness, or the way Single Dad feels about you. It's just a time allocation issue.
nittygritty Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I will say that teenage girls are...well...I'm sure you remember that time in your life. Hopefully, each year beyond 16 will be easier and easier. His daughter may even be good at manipulating Dad and he falls for it. If you love this man try to be patient and understanding with the situation. If he intentionally excludes you from being included from all activities that involve his daughter than its understandable why your feeling like a second class citizen. Offer to go be with him during some of these activities. If he never includes you than I would rethink staying in the relationship. If you think you can handle this flaw in your partner than just accept it about him and stay and enjoy the relationship that you have with him.
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Well...I know that he thinks he is being a great dad and everything, but he deserves to have a life, too. After one year, you should have met his daughter and you should be spending significant time there, so any pickup and dropping off on Friday nights would include you and not be an issue. If he loves you, he would be making time to see you. It is possible to have a serious relationship with a woman and be a single parent. Is he really committing to you? Because if you have been seeing him for a year, you should be at the stage of discussing marriage and where the relationship is going. Does he see you in his future? Because by your post, I don't think he is figuring you in to that equation.
compassion42 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Are you two broken up now? Have you told him how you are feeling and what you need from him? Sometimes it isn't as obvious to the other person as we think it should be.
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 She just posted it yesterday. Do you think they broke up since just then?
compassion42 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Her first sentence was something like: "I am/was dating a man until recently" which implies that they might be broken up-just my opinion.
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Her first sentence was something like: "I am/was dating a man until recently" which implies that they might be broken up-just my opinion. Wow, good point. Compassion, I hope everything is going well. But at the same time, if he's treating you second-class, it is probably for the best. A man is doing his kids a disservice if he is running at their every beck and call and spoiling them. They need to realize that he deserves to be happy in a relationship, too. The whole "The kids come first" is fine and dandy, but kids also have to learn that the parent is the authority and just because they went through a divorce, doesn't mean the dad had to be their servant and instant chauffeur. Also they will have to deal with the fact that Dad is in love and she is important to him, too, and he will make room for her, too. If you are being shoved aside for the kids, and he would rather spend a Friday night sitting at Barnes & Noble waiting for his "princess" daughter to call than being with you, something is wrong. I was in a relationship with a guy, after 5 months the kids understood that I was a serious part of his life and they would have to deal. His daughter was a complete brat about it and would call from her mother's on those weekends demanding to be picked up and for me to go home. Ummm, didn't happen. Who's the boss? Dad. If she was to spend the weekend with her mother, that is where she stayed, he didn't let his kids push him around.
Author concernedquestion Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Hi all, thanks so much for responding with your advice. I am still in a state of uncertainty over how this will impact my life in the future and what my feelings really mean. I don't know if it's the fact that I can't join lives with a man who aleady has a child or whether it's just the fact that I am unhappy with the level of uncertainty that I experience when the control is in someone else's hands. I don't like the feeling that the decision is his whether or not he is willing to spend time with me or ask his daughter to set a schedule so that we could also plan. I discussed this with him further and he said that he would consider that it's ok to let his daughter know that when she calls when she is ready to be picked up that she has the option of calling us when she is done and she has the choice to either have someone drop her off at the place we are or we pick her up or she gets dropped off at home. the catch is that we need to be nearby enough for her to be picked up or dropped off at our location. My boyfriend also suggests that although I may be happy with this idea now, I will be unhappy later on that we are limited by our activities b/c of the location. I want to grow to be understanding without losing track of my life. Does anyone have a suggestion on how to do this? Thanks so much for your advice!
Author concernedquestion Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 oregon, how did you get the situation to be this way? Maybe I could learn from you, b/c my boyfriend experiences a lot of guilt and I get the feeling that I am completely forgotten when her needs are there even if they are not urgent.
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