crushed in NC Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I am in need of some advice, here is my story. I am 46 and have been married twice, first husband 20 years. Husband now 9 years. My husband just recently lost his mother in July and seem to shut me out. I have been worried sick about him because he needed to talk to someone instead of keeping it bottled up. I ask several times for him to let me help him through this but he insisted he was fine. I found out 4 day's ago that he found someone at work that he felt he could talk to about losing his mother. He began shutting me out from his world which was rare because we do everything together. I received my cell bill which both phones are on and came across a number that was showing up constantly. I decided to ask him about this instead of driving myself crazy digging for information. When he came home from work Tuesday afternoon I told him that I suspected he was doing something wrong and he admitted it. He told me that he began talking to this woman at work about how hard it had been on him since the loss of his mother and they became close, he said that this has been going on since August but it was only one kiss and that is as far as it had gone. He did say that they talked everyday several times and he didn't know where it might have gone had I not questioned it. I don't know where to go from here I am trying to deal with this but have not made a decision on rather to try and save the relationship or just call it quits. I need advice on what I should do.
abeliever Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I read your thread and wanted to say I am sorry for your discovery. As you know we all are on here for the same reasons just different stories and variation of the same. My advice is just that advice. You need to be prepared and don't take his answers for what they are. Most times they tell you just enough for you to leave them alone. So let him think that- watch cell phone records and put recording device in his car to tape conversations, then listen and see for yourself. It is sad that these days people just don't do the right thing and confess. But if you read most threads their spouses almost all the time lie to their OS (other spouse) so that they continue the affair. He may be just talking and it may be just that one kiss. But please don't just sit there and not get yourself prepared. If you have been divorced once before you know you need to put money aside and get your ducks in a row only for "just in case" only. But be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. We are all here for you and keep us all posted. I wish you peace in this process, take emotion out of it. Treat this like a business deal then deal with the emotions later that is what got me thru. Now I am dealing with the emotions and though ITS not easy I am glad I found my proof and can move on knowing I did all I could do. Good luck and I am here if you need a friend. abeliever
BlueEyedSarah Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 He is not emotionally available to you. If I was in your situation I would leave the guy. If you don't have kids together that will make it a lot easier. But this is just what I would do... Has he stopped talking to this woman? He works with her and sees her everyday at work, there is no garantee that he has stopped talking to her even if he tells you he has. Are you able to trust him? After he kissed her...thats a bit far in my books. And you can never be too sure of how far he has gone with this woman, all you have is he's side of the story, beleiving he's word. From your post I don't think he is worth sticking around with, but its up to you if you can deal that your husband has emotinally opened himself to another woman. And the mistakes he hs done with this woman, phoneing, expressing deep emotions, lunch? Hanging out? Kissing...
Author crushed in NC Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 We do not have any children together and I don't have any money problems that would stop me from calling it quits. I love him deeply but feel as if he has destoyed my happy life that I thought we had. I'm afraid to start over but I have before. I really need some support right now, I haven't shared this with my family so someone to share with is important until my decision has been made.
BlueEyedSarah Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I think you should stay with a friend or family, they will be there for you no matter how close you are or not to them. I think its best to be away from this guy to clear your head rather than staying with him , looking at him every day you wake up thinking of how much he has hurt you. If you do decide to leave its best to go in NC to heal yourself and do good for yourself. Go out with your friends to try keep your mind off how hurt you are, go see a movie with a friend, go to a meal with your friends ect. You have been with him for 9 years? Of course you feel strongly for him and it will hurt to call it quits, but if there is no trust and he is not emotinally available then the relationship might not work. Later down the line with staying with him if someone close to him passes away again he may deal with it in the same way as he did here.
OpenBook Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 We do not have any children together and I don't have any money problems that would stop me from calling it quits. I love him deeply but feel as if he has destoyed my happy life that I thought we had. I'm afraid to start over but I have before. I really need some support right now, I haven't shared this with my family so someone to share with is important until my decision has been made. Hi NC. Here's my take on it... Your H has destroyed nothing. Damaged, yes, but not destroyed. He has not slept with her... therefore there is still a chance that the M can be reconciled. (In my book, that makes all the difference.) It sounds like you really got his attention when it came to light (you posted something like "he said it would have gone further had I not confronted him about it"). I think that's a good sign. He still cares deeply about what you think. I guess the answer to your question "What should I do?" is... it depends on two people -- you and him. You need to assess (1) how much you love him and think he's worth the trouble, and (2) whether he is willing to re-devote himself to the M. Good luck. I know it's a really tough call and it has lifelong implications for you. But no matter what the outcome of the M is, in the long run I think you will feel better about your decision knowing that you tried to restore the M before you walk away from it.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 If he is willing to work his ass off, go to marriage counselling with you and do all that he can to make things right again, would you be willing to give him a second chance? People make mistakes, bad choices, and if you feel you can work through this, rebuild with him, learn to trust again - Then give it your best shot. I don't believe in throwing in the towel without trying. Now, he must be willing to end the friendship with this woman completely. No contact. And, if that means you both talk to her, that she MUST stay away from him (if she is married too, mention to her that if she doesn't leave your husband alone, HER husband will be informed of her emotional affair and the kiss) so you two can rebuild things. The problem I see though is, they work together....So, is it possible for your husband to find another job? Or move departments? Tell your husband exactly how you feel, and talk to him about what you both want to do. I hope he wakes up and realizes that the co-worker isn't worth throwing his marriage away...
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I'm sorry for your pain NC. He lost his mother 3 months ago. Sometimes men find it very difficult to grieve and it could be that he looked for some outside stimulus to give him something to distract the thoughts of his grief - anything. You say you were worried sick and asked him how he was. Maybe he just couldn't confront the grief and that's why you were shut out. Grief brings all sorts of awful emotions to the forefront of our lives, including abandonment, defensiveness, denial, anger. Maybe his emotions made him search for anything to distract him from his pain. At the end of the day, you love him right? You and he need to figure out why, when the going got tough, the tough got going and latched onto another person at work. Once you can figure out that, you can make the journey to repairing whatever was missing in your relationship at that time. I'm not condoning what he has done, yet, I do know how grief does funny things and I would at least take his grief into consideration against what he has done.
Author crushed in NC Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 We just purchased a house to move closer to my job so I wouldn't have to drive so far, he works 20 minutes away and I 30 minutes. He was my best friend as well as my partner. He told me that the woman would continue to show her concerns of how he was doing and he opened up to her. He told me that he needed to be strong for me. He has never given me a reason for distrust and I guess thats why I am so hurt and shocked. We are in the process of seeking outside help but I just don't know if that will be enough. I am taking it one day at a time because he has been a wonderful husband and partner until now. The other woman is married and has three kids.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 It actually sounds like he used this woman to make himself feel good. An ego boost. She showed interest in him, made him feel desired. That doesn't mean he wants to BE with her, but it does mean he has betrayed you. I'm sure his intention wasn't to get into her pants and have an affair, but she obviously knew he was vunerable - and made herself 'available' to him...She listened to him, puffed up his ego... Is he geninually sorry for what he's done? Has he shown remorse, and regret? Does he understand that opening up and getting close to another woman was wrong and inappropriate of him? Is he willing to go to marriage counselling? End the friendship with her? Atleast on a personal level? If you feel the need to, talk to her and let HER know that she isn't welcome to your husband...Let her know that if she pursues your husband or tries to be-friend him, you WILL be speaking to HER husband about what's been going on. That ought to scare her off... I hope your husband understands how you feel and is willing to open up to you now.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Your H has destroyed nothing. Damaged, yes, but not destroyed. He has not slept with her... therefore there is still a chance that the M can be reconciled. (In my book, that makes all the difference.) Maybe that's true and maybe it isn't. The challenge that crushed in NC faces is that, having already been deceived by her H, how do you believe his version of what did or didn't happen ? When caught, almost every WS at first tells some variant of that story - "We're just friends" or "We just hang out together" or, in this case, "We just kissed". As subsequent events often prove, the acceptance of those facts as the one and only truth comes with substantial risk... Mr. Lucky
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