Scared my marriage has been a mistake

[sbriggs2]

Hi everyone,

 

Am new to the forum and would love some thoughts on my situation.

 

My husband and I have been married 5+ yrs (been together 9) and I felt from the beginning that I never quite measured up for him. When I've tried to discuss this with him, he always asserted that it was my problem, that I was lacking in self-esteem and need to sort it out on my own (I have tried to work on this by seeing a counselor as well). While I'm sure that self-esteem plays an important role in how I feel, I do feel that his attitude toward me and treatment of me is playing a key role in all of this.

 

As a result, I've tried from the beginning to 'be what he wants me to be' by giving him what he wants. This has included following him around the world (he wanted to live in a different country so we did), staying in two jobs I didn't like in order to make sure I didn't compromise our 'financial situation' (this responsibility for some reason fell on me, not him...), postponing having children (we're still not in agreement on this...), etc. I am adult so I take responsibility for consciously making these choices. However, that doesn't stop a big part of me feeling like I have no voice in this marriage. That my needs seem to be less important.

 

Whenever I try to discuss this with him he says that I'm being difficult, taking the 'fun' out of our marriage, or that he does so many wonderful things for me that I don't recognise and take for granted. His treatment of me, as a result, can be very erratic. One minute he's hugging me and wanting to spend time together, and the next he's speaking to me in a cold, souless way and, almost, ordering me around ('do this' 'don't do that' etc). I feel very angry and resentful towards him - which I think has also made the problem worse b/c I've certainly become less affectionate myself!

 

I feel so foolish that I've let this go on like this for so long, but I honestly am not sure how to handle this. I feel so alone b/c I don't feel I can confide in anyone about this (I honestly am embarassed and don't want friends and family to know my marriage feels so empty to me right now).

[4whatItsWorth]

There's no "fun" in marriage! ...just kidding.

 

Sounds like he's got emotional issues or multiple personalities...but I am no doctor. I can be like that sometimes - but it only lasts for about 20 minutes and then I'm all "lovey-dovey" again...but it only happens when I am pissed off at my sweetie.

 

I'd say if you've done all that for him...make a list about things he does for you. If it's shorter than his...well, screw that! If you're not happy in a marriage then you shouldn't be in it.

 

It does sound one-sided...what are all these things he's claimed he's done for you? If he won't discuss it..then there is no communication. Marriage should be give what you except to receive in return...and by the sounds of it you're giving it all and not getting it back...

 

Especially red flag he doesn't want kids. He could keep you around for years, making you feel unloved and then you'll be there with no kids and wasted years. ...how was he BEFORE the marriage?

[sbriggs2]

Well, before the marriage things were, of course rosier..lots of 'I want to start this exciting new stage in my life and I don't want to do it with out you', etc. etc. I suppose I could say there were signs...I know that he was always could be a bit self-centered, but to be honest, I was the same. I think that what happened was that for whatever reason, as we married and time moved on I kept giving more and he didn't feel that he needed to do the same. And, yes, the children situation is another issue that we need to resolve one way or another.

 

What I'm now trying to reconcile for myself is whether to try to work on sorting out these issues or, sadly, make the decision to move on from someone who I love deeply, but isn't making me happy at the moment. And if I do decide how to work on these issues (which, honestly, I want to do), how do I (practically) do that?

[EnigmasMuse]

I've tried from the beginning to 'be what he wants me to be' by giving him what he wants.

 

~Whatever you do, should be done because YOU want too, not because you feel like you have too. If, by chance you did these things because you felt you had to, then perhaps thats where some of this hesitation comes from?

 

as we married and time moved on I kept giving more and he didn't feel that he needed to do the same.

 

~This is pretty common in relationships, not justifying it at all, just saying its common sometimes where there is one person who is the giver and the other the taker. Sounds like, over the years he may have take you for granted because you have done so much. He comes across as being entitled to what it is you have done for him over the years. Also when you try to tlak to him about hw you fel on things, he seesm to dismiss your feelings, and comes across that he wants to avoid the problem because its possible he knows he has a hand in this and doesn't want to deal with it.

 

~My advice to you, keep seeing a cousnelor, my guess is he wont go to one with you, since he sees there is no problem, (or that he feels he doesn't have one). Also, maybe stop doing so much for him. At some point if he doesn't wise up and want to work on things with you and the marriage you may have to make a decison on what you feel you need to do.

[Great Gazoo]

I think you should continue to work on yourself and hopefully some answers will come to you. It sounds like you have lost your identity in this marriage in some ways. You will never be happy if you don't have some say in your own life. Remember you only live once, make everything count, if you want children I would definitely clear that up. It could become a sore spot with you at some point in your life.

[MrsHellnoFire]

men get away with as much as you let them.

you have positioned yourself in the marriage as a doormat due to low self-esteem or whatnot and it's time to change that.

start working on yourself; inside and out. financially even so you feel more confident and secure to start demanding a little more of what you want out of life.

[Unluckilymadlyinlove]

My husband is the same way. We have only been married three months though and it drives me crazy. What I do is when he gets in one of his moods where he's complaining about what I am not doing or telling what I should do is I write him a letter and email it to him. That way I can say what I need to say without getting angry and lashing out at him. It works really well. I get to say what I need to say and let him know how it makes me feel without him interupting or discounting my feelings. It also allows him to email me back and really think about it. I don't think you should end your marriage over this. I just think you really need to let him know how you feel and stand up for yourself. You don't have to be mean or even stop being so giving....you just have to let him know what is and is not acceptable. You may even tell him that they way he treats you makes you question or marriage. If he can come to realize how truely upsetting this is to you he may be more willing to change. It seems like right now he does not even know how big of a problem this is for you.

 

Good Luck!

[tomboy]

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. Me and my husband, who I also love deeply, experience difficult periods like this too.

 

I am a bit confused by your description of your husband. When you say you don't measure up, it sounds like your husband is a very driven person. But then you say he makes you work two jobs to support you financially. Does he not work?

[GeminiWoman]

I am in the process of divorcing a man who sounds identical to yours. We have been married 18 years. He was very critical, pretty controlling, very driven, a perfectionist who expects the same from others. Like you, I changed myself to conform to his expectations.

 

But over the years, as my self-esteem grew stronger, I began to get more assertive, not always 'doing' for him because he expected it. That's when his temper started to flare and he became angrier and angrier towards me and started getting verbally abusive.

 

Some people really believe they are entitled to have everything their way. The believe that they are always right and there must be something wrong with the other person. There are several good books about this. One that comes to mind is "Controlling People," by Patricia Evans. Also, try googling 'critical people' or 'controlling people.' There are some good websites out there. Dr. Phil also has some good information on his website about this topic.

 

I would highly recommend individual counseling. A good counselor will help you sort through this and help you decide what is acceptable behavior to you and what is not. Good luck. This type of personality is not easy to live with. I thought it was me for many years but only after I got into counseling did I realize that people in good marriages do not treat their spouses this way as a general rule.

[RecordProducer]

Marriage is one big, steady, long-term compromise of attitudes, not compromise on what color you choose or where you go for dinner. That's why it's difficult to be married. You have to give up half of yourself in order to please the other one. And if you don't like this, you feel resentment and the marriage fails, i.e. the fun is extracted from it.

 

You need to genuinely favor this symbiotic lifestyle in order to support it with actions. It's very difficult to be emotionally independent in a marriage. Marriage is best suited for people who are not free-spirited or self-sufficient (with some exceptions of people who are right for each other completely). Despite of the myth that a person has to be happy with him/herself in order to be happily married, my observation of many marriages demonstrates the opposite: the more comfortable one feels integrating with a partner the more successful the marriage. Sometimes the "successful" is closer to defective or degrading.

 

I think the worst thing in my two marriages, the mutual denominator of both, was that somebody stepped on my freedom. I want sex, but he doesn't. And now I am stuck with him. I can't go out and try to find a lover, I am not free. Or he imposes his family on me - I don't have the freedom to tell them to f*ck off. If I do (like I did), there is no compromise and the marriage is over (which it is).

 

You can't hold somebody's hand and not be pulled and pushed by them. What you did for your husband is not such a big deal: you compromised. He said you took him for granted and he is probably right, just like he took you for granted. Marriage is one big taking-for-granted business.

 

His change of moods is also something that happens when you live with people. You have to be able to deal with the fact that he is not always sweet, romantic, and generous. There are times when he is selfish, grumpy or cold. And that's normal.

 

I think the most important things in a marriage are stability of character and love. That's something that I didn't have in my marriages. If you feel really down, you might suggest MC. Your husband sounds like a good man if your post describes him accurately. If you love him, don't toss his love for nothing. He might be cold when he sees that you are not affectionate!

[JackJack]

there is no compromise and the marriage is over (which it is).

 

Not to highjack this thread, but are you serious RP? Is your marriage really over?

 

If so, I'm sorry to hear that.

[OpenBook]

It's very difficult to be emotionally independent in a marriage. Marriage is best suited for people who are not free-spirited or self-sufficient (with some exceptions of people who are right for each other completely). Despite of the myth that a person has to be happy with him/herself in order to be happily married, my observation of many marriages demonstrates the opposite: the more comfortable one feels integrating with a partner the more successful the marriage. Sometimes the "successful" is closer to defective or degrading.

 

I think the worst thing in my two marriages, the mutual denominator of both, was that somebody stepped on my freedom.

 

RP you have completely blown me away with this post. Finally, somebody came out & said what I have suspected all along!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing that.

[RecordProducer]

Not to highjack this thread, but are you serious RP? Is your marriage really over?

 

If so, I'm sorry to hear that.

My marriage is still alive, but it has cancer that's spread all over. I give it six more months.

 

RP you have completely blown me away with this post. Finally, somebody came out & said what I have suspected all along!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing that.

In a marriage everything can be solved, improved, changed, ignored, or worked out. Everything except how you feel. I see marriage as a long awaiting for happiness to start. Occasionally, you have good moments, especially when you meet other people - then you pretend that you're happy and feel good in your role.

 

I would label a marriage happy if I could only see one scene: the couple sits and talks about something they are both interested in, they look at each other and listen with genuine interest. They laugh, they are relaxed...

 

I have never ever seen the aforementioned scene in my whole life. However, I constantly see people sitting or walking next to each other as if they are strangers. They look unhappy, they look completely disinterested, cold, and distant. They look in different directions and if you observe them for a long time, you can guess what they are talking about. You hear lips moving... the husband looks at his wife... then passes her the child's jacket... 10 minutes later her lips move again... husband looks at her, his lips move too and they are getting ready to leave the fast-food restaurant.

This is the sad reality of most marriages. But when this very couple meets with their friends, they will laugh and start many sentences with "My wife and I... my husband and I..." as if they're a happy, loving couple.

[Touche]

Marriage is one big, steady, long-term compromise of attitudes, not compromise on what color you choose or where you go for dinner. That's why it's difficult to be married. You have to give up half of yourself in order to please the other one. And if you don't like this, you feel resentment and the marriage fails, i.e. the fun is extracted from it.

 

I could cry for you that you believe this. Shows you've never been with the right man. It's NOT one big, steady, long-term compromise of attitudes, as you say if the two people involved happen to have very similar attitudes. In that case the compromises are quite minimal.

 

You need to genuinely favor this symbiotic lifestyle in order to support it with actions. It's very difficult to be emotionally independent in a marriage. Marriage is best suited for people who are not free-spirited or self-sufficient (with some exceptions of people who are right for each other completely).

 

Again, this is quite sad to me. And I don't believe it to be true. I don't think it's the exception.

 

Despite of the myth that a person has to be happy with him/herself in order to be happily married, my observation of many marriages demonstrates the opposite: the more comfortable one feels integrating with a partner the more successful the marriage. Sometimes the "successful" is closer to defective or degrading.

 

I think the worst thing in my two marriages, the mutual denominator of both, was that somebody stepped on my freedom. I want sex, but he doesn't. And now I am stuck with him. I can't go out and try to find a lover, I am not free. Or he imposes his family on me - I don't have the freedom to tell them to f*ck off. If I do (like I did), there is no compromise and the marriage is over (which it is).

 

All of that shows is that you picked men who were incompatible with you. Nothing more and nothing less.

 

You can't hold somebody's hand and not be pulled and pushed by them. What you did for your husband is not such a big deal: you compromised. He said you took him for granted and he is probably right, just like he took you for granted. Marriage is one big taking-for-granted business.

 

No it isn't. Not a good one anyway.

 

His change of moods is also something that happens when you live with people. You have to be able to deal with the fact that he is not always sweet, romantic, and generous. There are times when he is selfish, grumpy or cold. And that's normal.

 

I'll agree with that. What makes the difference is the DEGREE and FREQUENCY of the negative traits that are displayed.

 

I think the most important things in a marriage are stability of character and love. That's something that I didn't have in my marriages. If you feel really down, you might suggest MC. Your husband sounds like a good man if your post describes him accurately. If you love him, don't toss his love for nothing. He might be cold when he sees that you are not affectionate!

 

.........................................

[Touche]

My marriage is still alive, but it has cancer that's spread all over. I give it six more months.

 

In a marriage everything can be solved, improved, changed, ignored, or worked out. Everything except how you feel. I see marriage as a long awaiting for happiness to start. Occasionally, you have good moments, especially when you meet other people - then you pretend that you're happy and feel good in your role.

 

I would label a marriage happy if I could only see one scene: the couple sits and talks about something they are both interested in, they look at each other and listen with genuine interest. They laugh, they are relaxed...

I have never ever seen the aforementioned scene in my whole life. However, I constantly see people sitting or walking next to each other as if they are strangers. They look unhappy, they look completely disinterested, cold, and distant. They look in different directions and if you observe them for a long time, you can guess what they are talking about. You hear lips moving... the husband looks at his wife... then passes her the child's jacket... 10 minutes later her lips move again... husband looks at her, his lips move too and they are getting ready to leave the fast-food restaurant.

This is the sad reality of most marriages. But when this very couple meets with their friends, they will laugh and start many sentences with "My wife and I... my husband and I..." as if they're a happy, loving couple.

 

Come to my house on most nights and you'll see the above. It's sad that you don't have role models for what a good marriage looks like.

[Curmudgeon]

I would label a marriage happy if I could only see one scene: the couple sits and talks about something they are both interested in, they look at each other and listen with genuine interest. They laugh, they are relaxed...

 

I have never ever seen the aforementioned scene in my whole life.

 

It really happens, RP. One of the strengths of my wife's and my marriage is our ability and willingness to communicate. Even when we disagree, we have conversations, not confrontations.

 

With both of us in the same profession, albeit with different agencies, when we married, we have always had plenty to talk about, even now that my wife's retired.

 

My fondest hope for you is that one day, you'll find that too. Just don't wait 50 years like I did!

[RecordProducer]

Come to my house on most nights and you'll see the above. It's sad that you don't have role models for what a good marriage looks like.

:bunny: I actually corrected my post (the part that says with a few exceptions...) when I thought of you. I am so happy that you have the kind of marriage that I would like to have. I am happy for you and I am happy that it happens so I can keep hoping. But that's rare, honey. Most marriages are sad.

 

It really happens, RP. One of the strengths of my wife's and my marriage is our ability and willingness to communicate. Even when we disagree, we have conversations, not confrontations.

 

With both of us in the same profession, albeit with different agencies, when we married, we have always had plenty to talk about, even now that my wife's retired.

 

My fondest hope for you is that one day, you'll find that too. Just don't wait 50 years like I did!

You too made my day. So your wife is a lawyer too?

 

Maybe I'll meet the right guy in the law field.

 

Thank you, guys. I was starting to feel bad about my marriage dying, but you convinced me again that it's good for me. It's not just a matter of surviving a divorce and getting on my feet, going to school and being financially independent, dating guy and finally getting laid. It's about me stepping out of the visious cycle and having another chance for meeting the right person for me.

 

I want a warm-hearted philosopher who feels comfortable in his own skin. Basically, I want a person like myself, which is good, because if nature popped out one like me, she must have popped (or pooped) out more of us.

[Curmudgeon]

You too made my day. So your wife is a lawyer too?

 

I write law but I don't practice it. My wife and I are/were both legislative and political analysts.

 

As long as Americans vote idiots into office they'll need people like us to give them the right words for their bills and assess their impact.

 

Of course, the real fun is going before the Legislature and testifying on their bills in policy and fiscal committee hearings, especially when opposed to them because they would create bad public policy!

[RecordProducer]

Of course, the real fun is going before the Legislature and testifying on their bills in policy and fiscal committee hearings, especially when opposed to them because they would create bad public policy!

So they propose bills and you assess them and testify before committees, right? And how do you know which laws will create what public policy?

 

What's public policy refer to? Public response, public interest or economic effects?

[Curmudgeon]

So they propose bills and you assess them and testify before committees, right? And how do you know which laws will create what public policy?

 

What's public policy refer to? Public response, public interest or economic effects?

 

I have a capacity and knack for twisted logic. Therefore, I can assess potential statute based upon the intent of the law, the letter of the law and the probable application of it, if it passes, where the rubber meets the road. I also assess potential court challenges, especially as they might raise Constitutional issues.

 

That's a convoluted way of saying I'm VERY analytical.

 

Public policy is all of the above; programmatic, societal, legal and fiscal.

 

Fun stuff, huh?

 

Can't wait 'til I retire. Less than three years to go. I've become jaundiced!

[RecordProducer]

Public policy is all of the above; programmatic, societal, legal and fiscal.

 

Fun stuff, huh?

 

Can't wait 'til I retire. Less than three years to go. I've become jaundiced!

I can't wait to get there! A bit more than three years to go.

[MrsHellnoFire]

Marriage is one big, steady, long-term compromise of attitudes, not compromise on what color you choose or where you go for dinner. That's why it's difficult to be married. You have to give up half of yourself in order to please the other one. And if you don't like this, you feel resentment and the marriage fails, i.e. the fun is extracted from it.

 

You need to genuinely favor this symbiotic lifestyle in order to support it with actions. It's very difficult to be emotionally independent in a marriage. Marriage is best suited for people who are not free-spirited or self-sufficient (with some exceptions of people who are right for each other completely). Despite of the myth that a person has to be happy with him/herself in order to be happily married, my observation of many marriages demonstrates the opposite: the more comfortable one feels integrating with a partner the more successful the marriage. Sometimes the "successful" is closer to defective or degrading.

 

I actually sort of agree with this but there is a big problem when someone abuses their upper ground in the relationship and continues to walk all over their partner as they allow it. And that is exactly what is happening in this situation. That's why I believe this woman needs to work on herself. Difference between compromise and being a complete doormat.

[Curmudgeon]

I can't wait to get there! A bit more than three years to go.

 

I'm still not totally convinced my wife will be willing to leave this state and move back east since her daughters and grandchildren are all here. I've made it clear I'm doing so with or without her.

 

I'll keep you posted!

 

Of course, there's a wee bit of an age disparity we'd have to work through. :rolleyes:

[Touche]

I'm still not totally convinced my wife will be willing to leave this state and move back east since her daughters and grandchildren are all here. I've made it clear I'm doing so with or without her.

I'll keep you posted!

 

Of course, there's a wee bit of an age disparity we'd have to work through. :rolleyes:

 

Curm, that part in bold kind of shocked me. Did your wife know this before you got married? Did she agree and now is changing her mind?

[Curmudgeon]

Curm, that part in bold kind of shocked me. Did your wife know this before you got married? Did she agree and now is changing her mind?

 

I made it clear from the onset, before we married, that when I retired it would be ABC -- Anywhere But California! At the time she said she'd follow me anywhere.

 

At around the same time she vehemently declared that no one would ever be permitted to come between her and her daughters. That was fine with me because I never intended to, and haven't. She raised them for 16 years as a single parent with absolutely no support of any kind from their father. I could understand her feelings.

 

Fast forward to today! When we got together she had one granddaughter. She was 18 months old and she and her mother had been living with my wife. Now she has two grandsons as well. I'm not convinced that when the time comes to relocate, she'll still be willing to. She hasn't said as much but my gut instinct is that it may not happen.

 

If that's the case, I go and she stays. She'll always be welcome to join me if she chooses to (up to a reasonable point) but I will not let her hold me back. She'll also have to go back to work to augment her retirement because I will not support two households. I've worked too hard for what I have to lose a major portion of it ever again.