Why does interest always come in bursts?

[spookie]

From what I've read, it seems that A is taking your relationship at a perfectly normal pace. He didn't get to see you this week, which seems to irritate you greatly, but yet he makes great efforts to see you on every other occasion.

 

It sounds like nothing A does is ever really enough, but then again the attention you get from other guys isn't really good enough either. You're never satisfied when it comes to attention. Why is that?

 

I wouldn't classify myself as an attention whore, but maybe you are right that I am somewhat needy in this regard. However, with A, I want to proceed with caution becuase I am wary of being disrespected and used. He has a history of being a player and a taker with women, and I do not want to fall into this pattern. I don't think I'm wrong for taking note of red flags.

[Trialbyfire]

I called him Tuesday, left a brief message asking what was up. He called back late that night, invited me over. He and his friend were having beers. So I biked over. Got there after 1 am. He was drunk. I proceeded to get drunk too. We went swimming.

I wouldn't have biked over to see him at this time at night/morning. Not only is it dangerous for a girl to biking at this time of night by herself, he's also not showing you any courtesy/caring/concern by inviting you but not coming to get you. It's a booty call.

[Star Gazer]

I wouldn't classify myself as an attention whore, but maybe you are right that I am somewhat needy in this regard. However, with A, I want to proceed with caution becuase I am wary of being disrespected and used. He has a history of being a player and a taker with women, and I do not want to fall into this pattern. I don't think I'm wrong for taking note of red flags.

 

Sure, it's always a good thing to be observant of potential red flags. But you're actively looking for them... where they don't really seem exist...yet. Like I said (as well as my LS BF oppath), seeing you twice a week during the fledgling stage of a college-age relationship is perfectly normal. I think you're on the precipice of being not just needy, but unreasonable.

[spookie]

See, exactly my point. You posted this just as I was writing my other response.

 

You're whining. "Boo hoo, he didn't make ENOUGH time for me during this one isolated week, the kind of attention I WANT him to make by READING MY MIND..."

 

You spent last weekend with him.

He invited you over on Tuesday, you went.

Thursday, he called you.

Friday he left to go out of town.

He calls you tonight, you tell him you can't talk and ask him to call you later. He doesn't. Boo hoo, you're ready to write him off.

 

He's been out of town, he has a life besides you. You really need to calm the heck down. If he doesn't do it for you, he doesn't do it for you...but don't blame his behavior. It sounds perfectly normal to me given the circumstances.

 

Do you want a guy who's going to constantly beg for your attention? Who's going to give up his own life to follow you around like a puppy? I hope not...

 

For the record, I didn't say I couldn't talk, he said that. He said he would be studying for a test all evening and that he'd call me again later, which he hasn't done.

 

I'm not ready to write him off just yet. And I appreciate the feedback. It's reassuring to know that his behavior is normal. I do like him and I want this to work out.

 

BTW, it isn't that I'm not happy with the level of attention he gives me. I am. I've just read so many not that into you threads on here that I worry about being the desperate girl settling for crumbs, ya know? Especially after he told me that he was used to girls doing just that with him.

 

It's more an issue of respect at this point than whether or not he's doing it for me (which he is, I really like him).

[oppath]

I wouldn't have biked over to see him at this time at night/morning. Not only is it dangerous for a girl to biking at this time of night by herself, he's also not showing you any courtesy/caring/concern by inviting you but not coming to get you. It's a booty call.

 

I would say he's just a college guy trying to fit in a semi-formal relationship amongst study, sports, and friends. Most college relationships fit this mold. And she could always say "I don't want to ride my bike over, can you come get me?"

 

If he's not meeting your needs, he's not meeting your needs. All it means is you are not right for each other. I'm not sure his behavior is atypical for a college guy given you have been dating 6 weeks. 5-6 months, and I'd take a different stance.

[spookie]

I wouldn't have biked over to see him at this time at night/morning. Not only is it dangerous for a girl to biking at this time of night by herself, he's also not showing you any courtesy/caring/concern by inviting you but not coming to get you. It's a booty call.

 

Yup. You see, that's closer to the way I'd read his actions. And when you couple this incident with the fact that, lately, the only time he's made for me has been AFTER midnight... well, I just don't want to be used.

[Star Gazer]

For the record, I didn't say I couldn't talk, he said that. He said he would be studying for a test all evening and that he'd call me again later, which he hasn't done.

 

Well, honestly, that just makes it worse! LOL Studying IMO should always come first. But this is coming from someone with almost four degrees, as well as one very long 3 day-straight little "test" we like to call the California State Bar Exam. In many ways, you remind me of Lauriebell in her initial stages with her now soon-to-be-fiance. Chill out, seriously.

 

BTW, it isn't that I'm not happy with the level of attention he gives me. I am. I've just read so many not that into you threads on here that I worry about being the desperate girl settling for crumbs, ya know? Especially after he told me that he was used to girls doing just that with him.

 

It's more an issue of respect at this point than whether or not he's doing it for me (which he is, I really like him).

 

You're not the desperate girl. So get over it.

 

If anything, having been used to girls tripping over themselves to be with him, he'll find you even more mysterious and appealing if you're not waiting by the phone to ride your bike over to his place as soon as he calls.

 

And remember, you teach people how to treat you. If you think there's a respect issue developing here, you're the one who needs to curb it by not reacting to what you deem to be disrespectful behaviors.

[Trialbyfire]

I would say he's just a college guy trying to fit in a semi-formal relationship amongst study, sports, and friends. Most college relationships fit this mold. And she could always say "I don't want to ride my bike over, can you come get me?"

At 1:00 a.m., knowing she would have to ride her bike? It doesn't take much to pull someone off a bike, especially if she's stopped. Not very courteous or respectful.

[oppath]

Yup. You see, that's closer to the way I'd read his actions. And when you couple this incident with the fact that, lately, the only time he's made for me has been AFTER midnight... well, I just don't want to be used.

 

How have your reactions at all created this reality? A week or so ago you were saying "I think I am going to just ask him to be friends with benefits" and then a day later saying "I'm falling for him." How did sleeping in his friends bed perhaps effect this too? Are there reasons for him not to be serious with you? And is it possible you've done anything to create a self-fulfilling prophecy?

[Star Gazer]

How have your reactions at all created this reality? A week or so ago you were saying "I think I am going to just ask him to be friends with benefits" and then a day later saying "I'm falling for him." How did sleeping in his friends bed perhaps effect this too? Are there reasons for him not to be serious with you? And is it possible you've done anything to create a self-fulfilling prophecy?

 

PRECISELY.

 

Yup. You see, that's closer to the way I'd read his actions. And when you couple this incident with the fact that, lately, the only time he's made for me has been AFTER midnight... well, I just don't want to be used.

 

You established this pattern from the get go. You and A = drunk swimming. You can't fault him for continuing in the pattern you established. It's up to YOU to change it if you don't like it.

 

And drunk college guys aren't exactly thinking, "Hmm, I should go pick up the girl who likes to ride over here to see me as soon as I call and get drunk with me and go swimming."

 

Again, teach him. Don't whine.

[Trialbyfire]

Yup. You see, that's closer to the way I'd read his actions. And when you couple this incident with the fact that, lately, the only time he's made for me has been AFTER midnight... well, I just don't want to be used.

Then don't let yourself be used. The next time you get a late night call, turn him down with the understanding that you would like to get together with him at a more reasonable hour, such as xyz date and time.

[amaysngrace]

Anyone else ever notice that you become much more attractive the minute you stop being available?

 

I think it's because you emit pheromones. And guys pick up on that.

[spookie]

Alright. I'll start being more firm.

 

I know the answer is obvious to most of you - don't let yourself be treated in a disrespectful way - but it's hard for me to find a balance between doing what I want, what makes me happy (and I am very much a spontaneous drunk biking/swimming at 3 o'clock in the morning kind of person) and not having those same actions categorize me as someone not worthy of respect.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

I want the freedom to live the way I do, to be dangerous and spontaneous, but I don't want my SO to think it's ok to put less effort into me and care less about me than he would about a girl who prefers a more high-maintenance relationship.

[halfarock]

Unavailable women are attractive because they are a) safe--they won't expect the guy to commit so he can moon over her with no risk of having to deliver; b) unattainable, thus immediately desirable, plus they bring out that man to man competitiveness; c) uninterested--once, when I was seriously involved with someone, a guy told me that I walked through the room like I needed nothing from nobody; d)pre-approved--if someone else wants her she must be worth having.

 

I don’t think any of this is true, certainly not for me.

a) Why would I pursue a woman if I had no plans of anything coming of it?

b) Why waste my time on someone who is unattainable? There are plenty of unattainable women out there, it doesn’t make them attractive to me.

c) Why would I pursue someone who was not interested when there are so many that are?

d) I decide who I like based on what I like, not on what someone else likes.

 

We always want what we know we can't have?

I don’t. You can't have me. Does that make you want me?

[oppath]

Be who you are, but accept someone else might not be who you want them to be, and don't be pissed at them because they can't read your mind or aren't in the same place as you. I'd be a little miffed at him too, but whatever reasons you have to be upset are, in my opinion, convoluted by some of your early posts about him. You were seeking advice analyzing him after a week or two, asking the same "is he into me" questions.

 

I think this is why SG and I are arguing against you. There seems to be a pattern here, and I don't feel all your doubts are justified, and I really feel that in some ways you will create your own reality.

 

Quite simple, next time he asks you over at 1am, say "not tonight, but I'll be done studying tomorrow around 8pm. You should come over then." This gives him a chance to accept, or if he has plans, COMPROMISE or COUNTER.

[Trialbyfire]

Alright. I'll start being more firm.

 

I know the answer is obvious to most of you - don't let yourself be treated in a disrespectful way - but it's hard for me to find a balance between doing what I want, what makes me happy (and I am very much a spontaneous drunk biking/swimming at 3 o'clock in the morning kind of person) and not having those same actions categorize me as someone not worthy of respect.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

I want the freedom to live the way I do, to be dangerous and spontaneous, but I don't want my SO to think it's ok to put less effort into me and care less about me than he would about a girl who prefers a more high-maintenance relationship.

It's got nothing to do with high-maintenance and everything to do with self-respect. If you don't feel you're valuable enough to be accorded respect, no one else will.

[avduo]

Alright. I'll start being more firm.

 

I know the answer is obvious to most of you - don't let yourself be treated in a disrespectful way - but it's hard for me to find a balance between doing what I want, what makes me happy (and I am very much a spontaneous drunk biking/swimming at 3 o'clock in the morning kind of person) and not having those same actions categorize me as someone not worthy of respect.

 

Does that make any sense?

 

I want the freedom to live the way I do, to be dangerous and spontaneous, but I don't want my SO to think it's ok to put less effort into me and care less about me than he would about a girl who prefers a more high-maintenance relationship.

 

By getting drunk and swimming at 3am, do you mean, getting drunk, loose and skinny dipping among other things at 3am? Hey what can I say, if you walk the walk, people are going to take on certain perceptions of you. There's nothing you can do about that but accept it. it's society. If you want respect, you have to be respectful to yourself.

[spookie]

..that I am defintiely at least a little bit crazy.

 

Here's the update. The good news is that he did end up calling last night, several minutes after I made my last post.

 

The bad news is that it took him about 50 seconds to convince me to let him pick me up so we could hang out for a while. I told him I could not sleep over and had half an hour... but instead of going out to eat like we said we would, he took me back to his place (where there was food), we played video games, had sex, and I slept over.

 

Ugh. I have no willpower whatsoever. At no point was I pressured - everything was my idea. I just followed whatever felt good. Short-term satisfaction.

 

So anyway, I'm insane becuase I realized today I DO keep looking for red flags where there are none. If anything, I have displayed far more red-flag, untrustworthy behaivior than he has... and yet, after more than a month, I ask the same questions. When will he call? Well, so far he's called exactly when he said he would... and yet each time I don't believe it'll happen. That's crazy in a nutshell right there.

 

We parted amicably after cuddling in bed all morning, and yet even now I'm not sure I really believe that he's going to call me again.

 

I'm not sure why I think in patterns like these. Maybe it's because things ended with my ex of three years with him just not calling me back and I have a HUGE fear of abandonment that I try to dispel by convincing myself that it's GOING so I am prepared when it does? I don't know. My ex caught me off guard with the way he ended things. I went home for the summer, he called me every night for a month and then just stopped. I called him for a week, no answer. I called him from a different number two weeks later, we talked, he said he'd call me back... and that was it. The last I heard from him.

 

But that's not normal, is it? I know I shouldn't be preparing for the same thing to happen here, yet I find myself completely convinced in my heart that it will. That, with no warning, this guy is just going to drop off the face of the earth.

 

And that would be hard to deal with. A breakup I can handle. But for someone to just disappear... that's harder to swallow.

[Star Gazer]

Look, you can't help the way you're perceived. But you CAN control they way you PRESENT yourself. You can't have it both ways, like this:

 

...but it's hard for me to find a balance between doing what I want, what makes me happy ... and not having those same actions categorize me as someone not worthy of respect.

 

I want the freedom to live the way I do, to be dangerous and spontaneous, but I don't want my SO to think it's ok to put less effort into me and care less about me than he would about a girl who prefers a more high-maintenance relationship.

 

Think of Lizzie. Do you think that in behaving the way she wants, doing what makes her happy, etc., accords her the right to demand respect from every guy she meets? By no means am I suggesting you're like her, but you can control the way you present yourself to men...and that includes through your BEHAVIOR.

 

You want things that are mutually exclusive. If you behave like someone not worthy of respect, and tolerate disrespect, you're not going to get it.

 

I think this is why SG and I are arguing against you. There seems to be a pattern here, and I don't feel all your doubts are justified, and I really feel that in some ways you will create your own reality.

 

Do you get this yet?

 

It's got nothing to do with high-maintenance and everything to do with self-respect. If you don't feel you're valuable enough to be accorded respect, no one else will.

 

And it's not just if you FEEL you're valuable enough, it's also based on whether or not you BEHAVE like you're valuable enough.

[spookie]

I totally UNDERSTAND the concepts behind how respect is accorded. If this were someone else's thread, I'd be giving the same advice you've been giving me. It's just, I lack willpower. But I guess that's something I can work on, too.

 

I'm gonna make myself a cheat sheet of everything that I have to do and NOT do each day.

[Cobra_X30]

And it's not just if you FEEL you're valuable enough, it's also based on whether or not you BEHAVE like you're valuable enough.

 

Some people need to believe it before they can behave it! Most can see right through fake, unless you are really good.

[Star Gazer]

Some people need to believe it before they can behave it! Most can see right through fake, unless you are really good.

 

When I was a scared, very new attorney and not feeling oh-so-confident, my mentor provided me the best advice summed up in three words: "Act as if..."

 

If you act as if you're worth it, people will start to believe it, and eventually you will too. You can apply this to almost every area of your life where self-worth is involved.

[Trialbyfire]

And it's not just if you FEEL you're valuable enough, it's also based on whether or not you BEHAVE like you're valuable enough.

If you feel it in your core, you will behave like it. It will give you gut feelings of, why am I putting up with this crappy treatment? Then, the behaviour will follow.

 

Most people go through a period of blind, deaf and dumb at the beginning of the relationship, letting things slide because you have no baseline to do a comparative with and because you care about them a lot, ie. Is this a one-off example of bad behaviour? Once you have the behavioural base-line, you will be able to rationally gauge reactions.

[Cobra_X30]

When I was a scared, very new attorney and not feeling oh-so-confident, my mentor provided me the best advice summed up in three words: "Act as if..."

 

If you act as if you're worth it, people will start to believe it, and eventually you will too. You can apply this to almost every area of your life where self-worth is involved.

 

The old "fake it till you make it".

 

The only problem with that is it relies on outside interaction to boost your confidence.

 

I work in a field where I get a lot of rejection. I have confidence because I know that Im good, better, the best! If I relied on the actions of others to prove this to me... I'd be a ball of quivering jelly one week and the jolly green gaint the next.

 

I think in the end its about looking in the mirror and saying. I like that person flaws and all!