Why does interest always come in bursts?

[spookie]

My guy and I became exclusive two weeks ago, and since then three other guys that I normally would have stopped to at least consider have revealed their interest. One is an old friend of mine, one is my guy's friend, and the third is someone I've had a MAJOR crush on for over a year (he's a (talented, obviously intelligent, HOT) actor that I've seen in a bunch of theater productions around town) and was recently introduced to at a coffeeshop. I'm not interested in the first, but VERY attracted to the second and it absolutely KILLS me that the third likes me now (he's been inquiring about me through some shared friends), when the timing is wrong.

 

Relationships involve risk and I want to have one with the guy I'm currently dating, so I believe he's worth the missed opportunities with these other guys, but still.... I wish this sudden interest in me were spaced out so I could slowly explore all the options, instead of making a rather blind bet - I don't know the guy I've picked long enough to know him, and the others at all.

 

Anyone else ever notice that you become much more attractive the minute you stop being available? Is it really a change in "vibe"? Or a subtle change in lifestyle that occurs when someone new enters your life that rigs the odds you'll meet more new people in your favor (example: different time allocation)?

 

What do you guys think?

[Timberlane]

Well, the whole timing thing has floored me recently. I'm now going on a friend-date instead of a a date-date, so I share your frustration. If only that interest had occurred some time a lot sooner than it did.

 

But I don't know if I would sweat the actor. In my experience with actor/actress types, they are not always the most stable platform on which to place monogamy. I agree, we often do give off a vibe that appears to win over the opposite sex unwittingly when we are coupled. It is a calmness, a contentedness that I think others see and desire to be in that state. And hey, we seem to have a line on it.

 

Rather than dwell on the lost opportunities, just revel in the affirmation of your own hotness.

[compassion42]

I notice it all the time! I do notice that it happens when I'm casually dating too but once I have an exclusive relationship I have a sudden burst of guys who are more interested than ever.

I think one of the causes may be that we do send of such a positive, carefree, full of sexual energy type of vibe that attracts men like a moth to a flame.

[Capricciosa]

Unavailable women are attractive because they are a) safe--they won't expect the guy to commit so he can moon over her with no risk of having to deliver; b) unattainable, thus immediately desirable, plus they bring out that man to man competitiveness; c) uninterested--once, when I was seriously involved with someone, a guy told me that I walked through the room like I needed nothing from nobody; d)pre-approved--if someone else wants her she must be worth having.

[OpenBook]

Unavailable women are attractive because they are a) safe--they won't expect the guy to commit so he can moon over her with no risk of having to deliver; b) unattainable, thus immediately desirable, plus they bring out that man to man competitiveness; c) uninterested--once, when I was seriously involved with someone, a guy told me that I walked through the room like I needed nothing from nobody; d)pre-approved--if someone else wants her she must be worth having.

 

Capri, you nailed this so completely and succinctly. I'm copying your words down in my diary!! Thanks.

[Capricciosa]

Capri, you nailed this so completely and succinctly. I'm copying your words down in my diary!! Thanks.

 

This took years of careful observation and analysis!! Go forth with this wisdom and prosper!!

[Trialbyfire]

There are some very good points raised by other posters but on the other hand, do you really want someone who's only interested in your value to others? Seems to me that if a guy is really interested in you, as a person, they would be doing their own research.

[OpenBook]

There are some very good points raised by other posters but on the other hand, do you really want someone who's only interested in your value to others? Seems to me that if a guy is really interested in you, as a person, they would be doing their own research.

 

I somewhat agree... but when you first meet someone who knocks your socks off, you really don't know anything about them. So you look for indicators. Being attached (another guy finds you worthy) is one of those indicators.

 

It's human nature... another "Law of the Jungle." If it's hard to obtain (somebody else has already snatched it up), it must be pretty special.

[Trialbyfire]

I somewhat agree... but when you first meet someone who knocks your socks off, you really don't know anything about them. So you look for indicators. Being attached (another guy finds you worthy) is one of those indicators.

 

It's human nature... another "Law of the Jungle." If it's hard to obtain (somebody else has already snatched it up), it must be pretty special.

Perhaps it's because I don't play by any laws or rules of that nature. If someone's attached, they're off-limits. If I'm attached, I'm off-limits.

[Capricciosa]

If someone's attached, they're off-limits. If I'm attached, I'm off-limits.

 

Sure, but this thread is about why the phenomenon occurs, not what you do about it.

[sb129]

The grass may appear to be greener on the other side of the fence?

 

We always want what we know we can't have?

 

There are a number of cliched sayings to describe this.

 

I think that some people can give off more confidence when they are attached, hence making them more attractive to others.

[Trialbyfire]

Sure, but this thread is about why the phenomenon occurs, not what you do about it.

Mmmkay...if you read the opening post and the flow of what I've said, you should be able to figure out why I even explained my position, as such...

 

Spookie has a few opportunities right now and is partially questioning her choice of man.

 

• My first post basically said that men with the need to value through others' eyes, aren't the kind of men she wants.
  
• Then OpenBook said, this is the way it is.
  
• Then I explained why I felt this way.

Hope that helps to clarify things and make it acceptable to you...

[MikeChurdh]

I am afraid that is just part of human nature OP. I am sure that as you get more comfortable with each other the bursts will grow shorter and shorter apart. TrialBYFire brought up some excellent points in her posts above which I also agree with wholeheartedly.

[spookie]

Thanks for the responses everyone. Capricossa, I especially liked your analyzation of the situation. I'm not sure it's applicable to every one of these guys (the actor did not know I was attached) but I am sure there is at least some truth to it for the other two.

 

I'd be lying if I said that all this attention wasn't making me wonder if I picked the right guy. My feelings about this are magnified because of the fact that, though he is willing to commit to being exclusive with me, I am not sure if he is emotionally "there" enough to be in a relationship. I'm going to give it some more time to find out, because I do like him, but to be honest it feels like I'm getting to know all his friends a whole lot better than I'm getting to know him.

 

He was out of town (with a female friend of his - I was not invited) again this weekend. I went to a party where I ran into and hung out with some more of his friends, one of whom spent all night with me. He'd previously told me I was hot (before be h realized I was dating A) and I got the sense that if he didn't know I was attached, he'd be trying to make things happen. He also invited to me their Halloween party, where A will also be but to which HE hasn't invited me yet.

 

So I don't know. I'm questioning things. I like A a lot but I'm wary of staying with someone just becuase I like him. If I'm not getting what I need out of the relationship, it's going to end. Right now, I'm not getting much of anything. We haven't hung out in a week, and though he continues to call me every day or every other day, he is vague about initiating plans. The ones he does initiate tend to be very last-minute and involve other people and a lot of alcohol.

 

I'll give it another week - and if some things don't change, I'm out.

[Star Gazer]

So I don't know. I'm questioning things. I like A a lot but I'm wary of staying with someone just becuase I like him. If I'm not getting what I need out of the relationship, it's going to end. Right now, I'm not getting much of anything. We haven't hung out in a week, and though he continues to call me every day or every other day, he is vague about initiating plans. The ones he does initiate tend to be very last-minute and involve other people and a lot of alcohol.

 

I'll give it another week - and if some things don't change, I'm out.

 

If you decide to end things with A, it should be because you have issues with A, and shouldn't have ANYTHING to do with the other guys' perceived interest in you.

 

Just as much as guys express interest when you're attached (hello, you're now a challenge), they will just as soon disappear once you're magically available... Be careful.

[oppath]

If you decide to end things with A, it should be because you have issues with A, and shouldn't have ANYTHING to do with the other guys' perceived interest in you.

 

Just as much as guys express interest when you're attached (hello, you're now a challenge), they will just as soon disappear once you're magically available... Be careful.

 

I agree with this LS Goddess. If you end things with A, it shouldn't be because you are curious about others, it should be because you conclude "we are not right for each other." Curiosity about others can sometimes mean that, because if you are interested in others, it means you aren't that into your guy, but if you end it, make it clear to yourself (and to him) that you just aren't right for each other. It doesn't make either of you bad people and you don't necessarily need to list reasons pertaining to him other than "it's not working. We aren't right."

[spookie]

If you decide to end things with A, it should be because you have issues with A, and shouldn't have ANYTHING to do with the other guys' perceived interest in you.

 

Just as much as guys express interest when you're attached (hello, you're now a challenge), they will just as soon disappear once you're magically available... Be careful.

 

Of course I would end it because of my issues with him, not because of other guys' interest.

 

My point was just that all the other interest has made me very aware of A's own apathy regarding spending time with me and getting to know me.

 

I probably wouldn't date any of the people that have recently shown interest (though I would flirt and spend time with some until I was sure). But I don't want to stay with A just because I haven't met anyone I liked better, or because I like HIM, if he isn't willing to put forth effort for this to actually go somewhere.

 

Is it wrong to date with the intent the relationship "going somewhere"?

[oppath]

 

Is it wrong to date with the intent the relationship "going somewhere"?

 

Of course not; for most people, that is the assumed intention, and if it is not it needs to be made clear upfront: I'm just looking to casually date and have fun.

[shadowplay]

Of course not; for most people, that is the assumed intention, and if it is not it needs to be made clear upfront: I'm just looking to casually date and have fun.

 

I don't necessarily agree with this...many relationships aren't started with the possibility of eventual engagement or marriage for example.

[oppath]

I don't necessarily agree with this...many relationships aren't started with the possibility of eventual engagement or marriage for example.

 

I'm not talking about marriage, I'm talking about a relationship. I think most people date with the assumption that someone is open to a relationship. That doesn't mean they are dating to find their future spouse. There is a big difference there. It means they are open to a relationship devoloping that is deeper than just a FWB or hanging out once every two weeks. Most people do date with the notion that you date to determine if you are compatible with someone for a longer relationship (which does not mean marriage as the goal). That relationship doesn't have to be super serious, but if you know a long term relationship is not in the cards for you, that does need to be communicated after several dates.

 

So when I say date, I don't mean going out on a couple dates to have fun and flirt and meet new people, I mean continuing dates and developing intimacy. You are certainly allowed to go out on dates without wanting anything long term to develop, but after a handful of those the other person should know "I just want to have fun" or "I'm not looking for marraige but I am open to an exclusive relationship at this point in my life." For me, the ING in Dateing someone implied multiple dates with ONE person, and I do believe most people assume that if you've gone out on 10 dates with a person, it is because they are available and interested in developing a relationship unless they clarified that earlier.

[spookie]

I'm pissed yall.

 

I spent last weekend with him, although nothing was planned in advance and I was more or less squished in between his other social obligations.

 

Then Monday... no word.

 

I called him Tuesday, left a brief message asking what was up. He called back late that night, invited me over. He and his friend were having beers. So I biked over. Got there after 1 am. He was drunk. I proceeded to get drunk too. We went swimming.

 

Wednesday - nothing. Thursday he gave me a call, we chatted.

 

Saw him briefly (15-20 mins) Friday becuase I had to get my bike back from his place. He left that afternoon to go to Dallas for the weekend.

 

Not a peep from him until this evening, around 7. He asked how was my weekend and said he was studying for a test and could he call me later?

 

It is now 12:30 am. He hasn't called.

 

Does it sound like he's not that into me? I mean I understand that people have obligations outside relationships, but he hasn't made time for me in a week and I believe when someone says they are going to call you, they should.

 

How should I proceed?

[Star Gazer]

Of course I would end it because of my issues with him, not because of other guys' interest.

 

My point was just that all the other interest has made me very aware of A's own apathy regarding spending time with me and getting to know me.

 

From what I've read, it seems that A is taking your relationship at a perfectly normal pace. He didn't get to see you this week, which seems to irritate you greatly, but yet he makes great efforts to see you on every other occasion.

 

It sounds like nothing A does is ever really enough, but then again the attention you get from other guys isn't really good enough either. You're never satisfied when it comes to attention. Why is that?

[Star Gazer]

I'm pissed yall.

 

I spent last weekend with him, although nothing was planned in advance and I was more or less squished in between his other social obligations.

 

Then Monday... no word.

 

I called him Tuesday, left a brief message asking what was up. He called back late that night, invited me over. He and his friend were having beers. So I biked over. Got there after 1 am. He was drunk. I proceeded to get drunk too. We went swimming.

 

Wednesday - nothing. Thursday he gave me a call, we chatted.

 

Saw him briefly (15-20 mins) Friday becuase I had to get my bike back from his place. He left that afternoon to go to Dallas for the weekend.

 

Not a peep from him until this evening, around 7. He asked how was my weekend and said he was studying for a test and could he call me later?

 

It is now 12:30 am. He hasn't called.

 

Does it sound like he's not that into me? I mean I understand that people have obligations outside relationships, but he hasn't made time for me in a week and I believe when someone says they are going to call you, they should.

 

How should I proceed?

 

See, exactly my point. You posted this just as I was writing my other response.

 

You're whining. "Boo hoo, he didn't make ENOUGH time for me during this one isolated week, the kind of attention I WANT him to make by READING MY MIND..."

 

You spent last weekend with him.

He invited you over on Tuesday, you went.

Thursday, he called you.

Friday he left to go out of town.

He calls you tonight, you tell him you can't talk and ask him to call you later. He doesn't. Boo hoo, you're ready to write him off.

 

He's been out of town, he has a life besides you. You really need to calm the heck down. If he doesn't do it for you, he doesn't do it for you...but don't blame his behavior. It sounds perfectly normal to me given the circumstances.

 

Do you want a guy who's going to constantly beg for your attention? Who's going to give up his own life to follow you around like a puppy? I hope not...

[oppath]

Sounds like he wants to see you twice a week, which is just fine for a 6 week relationship. If anything, I'd say since he is a college student, he's just doing the college relationship thing where he invites you out with his friends instead of on a date. That's pretty common at your age.

[Star Gazer]

Sounds like he wants to see you twice a week, which is just fine for a 6 week relationship.

 

Seriously....