Author Kerewin Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Nice to wake up to all the kind words this morning. It's okay if you guys don't agree with each other; as long as you all mean well, I don't mind if the advice is contradictory. And it's been REALLY helpful since I have no one in my life to talk to about this because I'm honoring his wish for privacy. So, to try and answer some of your questions (apologies for getting lengthy again).... The diagnostic process is so lengthy because the receiving news that you have the disease he is facing is considered an incredibly damning diagnosis. It is fatal, incurable and untreatable. Therefore, they stretch out the testing over several months to give folks the option of deciding they just don't want to know if they are sick. Because of what the disease does to you, the suicide rate among folks who have it is incredibly high. Even the Mayo Clinic's only advice is "coping strategies". Statistically, there is a 50% chance he has it, but he has been showing some symptoms. I think he is dating for the same reason he is continuing to work, see friends, make plans, etc. He just doesn't know if he has it. And living as though you're dying seems like tempting fate. And sitting back giving yourself nothing to do but brood would probably be intolerable. I don't know how he feels about me. When he told me what he was facing, I barely knew him. I remember thinking "Why are you telling ME?" Inside, I was even a little angry about it; it was such a heavy burden, and it made it impossible for me to just "date" him. I don't know HOW you casually date someone who may be dying. In that moment, that instant, I had only two choices--get him out of my life, or make him a priority. I chose to make him a priority. Now that I know him better, I think he chose to tell me because he's the kind of guy who believes you don't talk about heavy stuff with other guys. You talk about it with girls. And at the time, I was his girl. Motivated by what he was going through, I know now that I made myself too available to him. I was always available for last minute dates, lengthy phone calls, etc. So, I think he lost interest because it was easy to take me for granted. I don't think it was a deliberate choice on his part, but he's not terribly introspective. I don't think he ever connected my availibilty to his health crisis, or his drop in interest to how "easy" I was to have at any time. I still think his needs should come first right now. And that is a big part of the reason I was still considering making myself sexually available to him, even if it meant I might hurt more later. Trust me folks, a door mat I am not. I have NEVER made such an effort to put the other person first as I have with him. I'm normally very Type A alpha--if anything, I can be a little selfish in my romantic relationships. My friends are completely baffled by this change in my behavior, but I can't explain without violating his privacy. I do it only because I'm mature enough to realize that what he's facing is more important than any hurt feelings I may have. Cutting him out of my life is NOT an option; I would spend every moment, day and night, wondering about his health. It would be torture not knowing. The little part of me that always copes with dark humor says "I can't believe a guy who thinks he may be DYING thinks he can do better than me. I think this a new personal low" . The rest of me prays all the time that he doesn't have this, that I would give anything if only he were healthy. Even if that meant seeing him happy with someone else. (I've put that one on the bargaining table with God too--not that it's really mine to offer, anyway). Even though this has all been incredibly painful, I think I'm figuring out what real love is for the first time. How it really is selfless. And learning to open myself up even at the risk of incredible pain. Any thoughts or advice appreciated.
Author Kerewin Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Hokay, I know my last post was long, and I hate to be a needy biatch , but I would appreciate some thoughts on it.
jophil28 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 You made it clear that your focus is OFF of HIM and on the rest of YOUR life. Men love that... and at the same time it really makes them stop and think. *** Oh, and are you a man with insight into the male thought processes?
OpenBook Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 You made it clear that your focus is OFF of HIM and on the rest of YOUR life. Men love that... and at the same time it really makes them stop and think. *** Oh, and are you a man with insight into the male thought processes? No, not at all. You men completely mystify me. All I know is WHAT WORKS with you. If I do X, you do Y. That kind of thing. And I've lived long enough to understand that I can't put any weight into anything you say to me. It's what you DO that I pay attention to.
Bulbberbutt Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Why would you invite him in the first place if you know he is going to try and get in your pants? Unless in reality you want to sleep with him and thats why you invited him and not some other guy "friend".
reelwoman Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Hey Kerewin-- I do think you did an AWESOME job of handling things with him and you said and did all the right things----by that I mean you stood up for yourself without being bitter or hostile, you were compassionate and genuine without being a doormat. If understand not wanting to cut him out of your life, but I do think you need to be careful and put your Alpha self on guard---you are not obliged to be there for him just because he wants you to be or just because you're a nice person. He told you he's dating which means he is TELLING you he's not interested in being serious with you ( even if he is FEELING conflicted about that). In this case I would listen to his words, and try to ignore the tender caresses. I'm not as cynical as some to think he's just trying to get you in the sack, but I do think if you have feelings for him that go beyond wanting to be friends who have sex, you are setting yourself up to get hurt if you start sleeping with him again. He told you about his illness but that does not make you responsible for him---he can tell someone else if he wants to. Find a balance between your natural compassion and caring for this guy and not letting yourself be manipulated. I also can imagine that if I had such an illness I might also prefer to date casually rather than be in a serious relationship because of not wanting to inflict my whole scenario on another person who would get hurt. He may feel that by keeping people at arm's length, he's not going to drag them into it. Thing is, he's already dragged you into it. Again, that doesn't oblige you to be his therapist, caretaker, or sex partner. If you want to be his friend, I would set some boundaries--figure out how much you are willing to give him before you would feel overburdened; and think about what you get from him. It should be more than just the privilege of his attention and company! Is HE a good friend to YOU? How are you doing? Feeling any more clear about it all tonight?
Sweetcheripie Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Wow - that is an incredible story and I think you are handling it with amazing strength and grace! I can't believe how hard it must have been for the two of you to go to a memorial together and not be thinking about his future. Of course he reached out to touch you and hold you and how bittersweet that must have been for you. He must be going through a roller coaster of emotions and you are being incredibly understanding yet firmly standing up for your self and boundaries. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I hope his diagnosis turns out positive, he gets a clear head and heart and sees you for the incredible woman you are. I wish I could give some great advice, I just don't know what to say, other than I am so impressed with your good heart and incredible strength.
Sweetcheripie Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Have the doctors said when there will be a diagnosis? Why doesn't he want to tell anyone else? Does he have family? I'm sure his parents, sibs etc would want to know. Just checking in on you too! How are you?
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