Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 BE FIRM but don't tell him HOW FIRM THESE THINGS HERE ARE. You mean as in firm and perky? Lol.
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 Okay, he just called to say he's on his way over for the drive up. Wish me luck folks!
Tony Posted October 20, 2007 Senior Moderators Posted October 20, 2007 The OP is asking for advice in this thread. If you don't believe me, read the original post. Please give the creator of this thread the respect of either answering with some advice...and then finish off with a little banter...or go to the off topic thread with the banter. Many thanks to all!
Trialbyfire Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Okay, he just called to say he's on his way over for the drive up. Wish me luck folks! Good luck Kerewin. Remember, be firm but friendly so he understands without a doubt that you mean what you say. Set those hard boundaries... But...lest you forget....you do have a fallback plan...
MikeChurdh Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 A fall back plan is always necessary, believe me, I speak from personal experience. Also, please listen to Tony in the future guys. He does a great job of looking out for us, protecting us from Trolls, and making this board as enjoyable a place as possible to have intelligent conversations about dating in the 21st Century. Thank you, Tony. "I'm the GingerBread man, as fast as can be, try as you might, you will never catch me!"
MikeChurdh Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 LOL, thanks for backing me up on that Oregon Blackberry. I was hoping that somebody would! Tony is the best and I don't think enough people on this board appreciate all of the work he puts into it, for our benefit. Especially in protecting us from those nasty Trolls! Glad to see I am not the only one around here who appreciates his efforts. Bravo Tony! "I'm the GingerBread Man as fast as can be, try as you might, you will never catch me!"
Ponzoli Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I agree yes I definitely agree with the OP no doubt about it
Author Kerewin Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 OP here---oops! Think I helped encourage the banter (mostly as a distraction from my nervousness I think). Also pretty new to LS, so still learning the etiquette. Apologies! I need your thoughts again. I'd appreciate your patience in reading the following longish post. He picked me up and we went to our work related event. I expected, but was still a little sensitive, about the fact that he wasn't resting his hand on my leg like he normally did when he drives. The event involved a memorial for a colleague to whom I was close. So, I did get teary a couple of times, and he hugged me. Later told me he'd been depressed and antisocial for the last weekend after the break up. A couple of other times while we were hanging out, he spontaneously reached out, pulled me to him, and hugged me, stroked my hair, briefly touched my hand, etc. I didn't know what to make of it, and I was afraid of reading too much into his behavior. Funny thing is I was more relaxed and unguarded with him than I'd ever been. When were dating, I was always so into him that I'd been anxious about him liking me as much as I liked him, and had a hard time relaxing. However, since he'd already rejected me, the worst had happened and I simply let go. Aterwards, we stopped off at the beach and hung out together. Had a lot of fun and a lot of laughs. On the drive home, he asked "so am I dropping you off, or?....." I said "You're dropping me off, please". He seemed a little rejected and confused by that answer, so I said "Look, I know I wasn't clear about closing that door when we broke up, but before I met you I spent a long time after my divorce sitting things out. And I'm not looking to do that again. I'm ready to get out there. And I want to find someone special who recognizes I'm special too. And I'm just not wired so I can do that if I'm still sleeping with you". He started talking about a coworker who was going through the same thing I was. And that her boyfriend was being very distant. Funny thing is this coworker's relationship with her boyfriend was one of the relationships he had compared ours to during the break up talk two (short) weeks ago. He had said "I see how they HURT when they're apart from each other, and I don't hurt when we're apart". Still, I thought that was a little evasive, so I brought it back to us. I jokingly said he was deflecting and told him if we were going to be friends, and mean it, he should know I was dating again. (I had a so-so blind date last week). He told me he'd also had a date. And that he realized he'd always been in relationships and needed to date to figure out what he wanted. It stung to hear he'd been on a date. Stung, but didn't "kill" me like it might have two weeks ago. I've always been aware he's much better-looking than me, but I'd never been jealous of other women because I trusted him and the rapport we had. Still, it hurt because I'm pretty sure his date was much more of a "real" date than mine had been. He told me it was strange to realize he was free to respond positively when women flirted with him. He said that he normally put on "blinders" to other women when he had a girlfriend because women's jealousy creates "too much drama". I laughed and reminded him I'd never expressed any jealousy. That I didn't notice what other women did, only if HE chose to respond. He said "that's true, I guess you're the only girl that never did give me any drama". I jokingly said, "we're still friends, right?". And he said "Right. I mean, I can't get over how much fun I have with you." I said, "So I expect you to call me". He said he would, and I got out of the car and went home. In conclusion: I'm hurting. I still want him back. But I know "games" aren't going to work. I know that in my bones. Kills me because we have fun, emotional connection, and attraction. I don't know why it doesn't work. Any thoughts appreciated.
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 It was pretty good up until the part where you said "I expect you to call me." I mean, you shouldn't have said that. He doesn't owe you anything. I have friends but I don't say "I expect you to call me." Also, he is dating, so why would he call you? That would be disrespectful to a woman he starts dating. So, I disagree with your expectation to call you, and it really made it obvious that you want to get back together. At least you have your answer, he doesn't feel that aching, dying feeling of missing you when he's not with you. That is a sign of a man not in love. I would suggest that you have no contact with him. He was nicely telling you he has absolutely no intention of getting back together with you. Also, a lot of times an exboyfriend will say they are "dating" or "had a date" when really there was no dating or date going on at all. IT's just something guys say to protect their ego. My ex who I was with for 2 years said the same thing 6 months later, that he was out dating, and I found out from a female colleague of his who is our mutual friend that he had told her he had not dated since me, and he had told her this the same time he told me he had been dating someone. He would have no reason to tell her otherwise (she's a lot older than the two of us and married).
Author Kerewin Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 It was pretty good up until the part where you said "I expect you to call me." I mean, you shouldn't have said that. He doesn't owe you anything. I have friends but I don't say "I expect you to call me." Also, he is dating, so why would he call you? That would be disrespectful to a woman he starts dating. So, I disagree with your expectation to call you, and it really made it obvious that you want to get back together. At least you have your answer, he doesn't feel that aching, dying feeling of missing you when he's not with you. That is a sign of a man not in love. I would suggest that you have no contact with him. He was nicely telling you he has absolutely no intention of getting back together with you. Also, a lot of times an exboyfriend will say they are "dating" or "had a date" when really there was no dating or date going on at all. IT's just something guys say to protect their ego. My ex who I was with for 2 years said the same thing 6 months later, that he was out dating, and I found out from a female colleague of his who is our mutual friend that he had told her he had not dated since me, and he had told her this the same time he told me he had been dating someone. He would have no reason to tell her otherwise (she's a lot older than the two of us and married). OK: here's the info I've been withholding. He's facing a life threatening illness and no one in his life knows but me. And he's not planning to tell anyone but me. When we broke up, he asked me to stay in his life through it. So, even if I decide I can't handle keeping him in my life as "just a friend" after that crisis is resolved, I can't bring myself to walk away right now. Does this change anyone's opinion? Also, I know his date was real--he'd mentioned this person in a conversation we'd had earlier this week, but had omitted it was a date. D
jophil28 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 OK: ...facing a life threatening illness and no one in his life knows but me. And he's not planning to tell anyone but me. "A life threatening illness" no less ? And it needs to be a SECRET ! Hmmm.. did he tell you this on the day of the breakup or did yoiu know long before that time ?? Just me being inquisitive ( and perhaps suspicious )
Blurple Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I think it is very hard for a male to go from LOVER (having sex with a woman) to just friends and a platonic relationship.. maybe go over those grounds first to make sure you both are on the same page with the relationship? Then you wont have to explain.
Author Kerewin Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 "A life threatening illness" no less ? And it needs to be a SECRET ! Hmmm.. did he tell you this on the day of the breakup or did yoiu know long before that time ?? Just me being inquisitive ( and perhaps suspicious ) He consulted me about it early in our relationship. And I have attended medical appointments with him about it.
Pyro Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 "A life threatening illness" no less ? And it needs to be a SECRET ! Hmmm.. did he tell you this on the day of the breakup or did yoiu know long before that time ?? Just me being inquisitive ( and perhaps suspicious ) .....................
Author Kerewin Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 A post script: he's keeping it secret because he's a bit of a stoical type and because the diagnosis is not confirmed. And for the record, if I could make a deal with God to never see my ex again if that meant he DIDN'T have this illness, I would do so--in a heartbeat, without a moment's hesitation.
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Well, OK, this adds a little drama to the situation, however, he did say he didn't feel a really burning desire for you. When a guy states he doesn't miss you like a man in love should, that is not good. That is a man who has made a decision and come to terms with not being in love.
Author Kerewin Posted October 21, 2007 Author Posted October 21, 2007 Well, OK, this adds a little drama to the situation, however, he did say he didn't feel a really burning desire for you. When a guy states he doesn't miss you like a man in love should, that is not good. That is a man who has made a decision and come to terms with not being in love. You may be right. I fully acknowledge that. I know that although I think he's making a mistake, we both have to want this relationship. I did find it interesting that he mentioned his friend was having problems with boyfriend, given that he had previously held their relationship up as a model of what he thought he was looking for. (When I told an older friend of mine why he thought we weren't a match she said "Oh honey, you just met him a couple of years too early. He needs a little more seasoning to realize what a good relationship is all about. There's nothing different you could've done"). In any event, I guess I'm struggling to maintain a balance between meeting his needs for a friend right now with my need to heal. I'm just glad that there's a timeline on this; although the diagnostic process he has to go through is lengthy, it WILL eventually end. Thank God. Any thoughts on what all the hugging, hair stroking, etc., was about? Several times, it was just right out of the blue. Believe me, I KNOW when he's "making a move" and this was very different. Sweeter, but not quite "brotherly". I just don't get it. Why tell me you want to be friends and then get all touchy?
jophil28 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 He consulted me about it early in our relationship. And I have attended medical appointments with him about it. THis changes everything, That is tragic -- I do feel for you AND especially him. I had Ca in 1999 and I really appreciated the support and love of the lady in my life back.. You really do have a lot on your shoulders now. It is possible that he really does love you, BUT he is keeping you at distance because he does not want you to suffer the full impact of his illness, should it turn sinister ? Men do this sometimes, I know that I did.
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 THis changes everything, That is tragic -- I do feel for you AND especially him. I had Ca in 1999 and I really appreciated the support and love of the lady in my life back.. You really do have a lot on your shoulders now. It is possible that he really does love you, BUT he is keeping you at distance because he does not want you to suffer the full impact of his illness, should it turn sinister ? Men do this sometimes, I know that I did. Yeah, but if that were true, then why is he already out dating? He could fall for a different woman because that is the whole point of dating.
jophil28 Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 Yeah, but if that were true, then why is he already out dating? He could fall for a different woman because that is the whole point of dating. MY last reply was clearly intended for Kerewin. It would have been " good form " to allow her to reply first before you tried to demonize her B/ f and further add to her distress.
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I wasn't demonizing him. Everyone has broken up with someone before. That in itself doesn't make them bad in any way.
Trialbyfire Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 A post script: he's keeping it secret because he's a bit of a stoical type and because the diagnosis is not confirmed. And for the record, if I could make a deal with God to never see my ex again if that meant he DIDN'T have this illness, I would do so--in a heartbeat, without a moment's hesitation. Kerewin, when does he get the final results of his test? Is this life-threatening illness of a terminal nature or can it be cured? For the interim, I would continue being friends with him but nothing more.
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 I hate to say this but I would totally back off and not contact him. He told you he's out dating! Forget that. Why put yourself through that, he can lean on whoever he is dating now for support. Also, if you disappear for a while, it might bother him enough to realize that he has let go of a good thing. If you are too anxious and available to get back together, it is not a challenge enough for him and he won't miss you enough to want you back in a real relationship. My advice is if he contacts you, be civil, ask him how he's doing, but don't stay on the phone for more than ten minutes, and no coffee dates, lunch dates, whatever, especially at the last minute. Also, I have an e-book Getting your Ex Back which offers some really good advice and makes a lot of logical sense. It is worth the $30. Even if you don't use it to get your ex back, it offers really good advice about valuing yourself and self-improvement, and keeping your dignity (i.e. not groveling and being needy, at least not appearing to do so in the very least.) The one thing you will have a problem with is that it advocates at least 3 months of no contact in the beginning. In your case, if he contacts you, I would follow that advice. I think it is a good sign that he still has a lot of fun with you, he just needs more time away from you to truly miss you. In a couple weeks of you not contacting him and being civil but not overly joyed to hear from him, and not initiating any contact, he'll start a wondering, and then you'll have him at your feet.
OpenBook Posted October 21, 2007 Posted October 21, 2007 On the drive home, he asked "so am I dropping you off, or?....." I said "You're dropping me off, please". He seemed a little rejected and confused by that answer, so I said "Look, I know I wasn't clear about closing that door when we broke up, but before I met you I spent a long time after my divorce sitting things out. And I'm not looking to do that again. I'm ready to get out there. And I want to find someone special who recognizes I'm special too. And I'm just not wired so I can do that if I'm still sleeping with you". I thought you handled it fabulously well, Kerewin! You made it clear that your focus is OFF of HIM and on the rest of YOUR life. Men love that... and at the same time it really makes them stop and think. They expected to have to comfort you after the breakup... not move on confidently and optimistically. D'OH! Any thoughts on what all the hugging, hair stroking, etc., was about? Several times, it was just right out of the blue. Believe me, I KNOW when he's "making a move" and this was very different. Sweeter, but not quite "brotherly". I just don't get it. Why tell me you want to be friends and then get all touchy? Two little words, Kerewin... F*ck Buddy. Good for you for not falling for it!
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