Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Last time I posted, people gave some nice advice, but didn't actually answer my questions. So I'll keep it simple. Hanging out with a recent ex tomorrow (and it's an event I'm already committed to attend). He's tried for the booty call before via text, and I turned him down. Have good reason to think he might try something physical tomorrow. What's a NICE way to turn him down? I know some who say "**** nice, just turn him down", but I really value his friendship. Please note: I'm requesting folks give me advice on HOW to do this, not whether or not I should.
Pyro Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Just stand your ground and simply tell him no and that you are not interested. He may not get it the first time around, so if you have to repeat yourself, say no again with a more firm voice. If there is a third time, then slap him across the face. Hopefully by then he will get it.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Tell him you have your period! LOL! Nah, seriously, just be honest with him. Tell him that you like him but aren't interested in sex with him anymore.
Trialbyfire Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 As a last resort, roll up some newspaper and smack him firmly across the nose, while saying "NO" in a firm voice. Okay, seriously... I would tell him what you've already stated: "While I value your friendship and would like to retain it, I hope you understand that getting involved with you physically isn't what I want."
Pyro Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 As a last resort, roll up some newspaper and smack him firmly across the nose, while saying "NO" in a firm voice. Okay, seriously... I would tell him what you've already stated: "While I value your friendship and would like to retain it, I hope you understand that getting involved with you physically isn't what I want." Did Henry Rollins teach you that?
Trialbyfire Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Did Henry Rollins teach you that? Now be serious, were there any four letter words in what I wrote?
Pyro Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Now be serious, were there any four letter words in what I wrote? True that.
jophil28 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 ... What's a NICE way to turn him down? I know some who say "**** Please note: I'm requesting folks give me advice on HOW to do this, not whether or not I should. I am speechless.You do not want friendship .you want him back .Get honest. Jophil Zzzzzzz
jophil28 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 As a last resort, roll up some newspaper and smack him firmly across the nose, while saying "NO" in a firm voice. Ha ha ! Finally - a feminist with a sense of humor. A world first . I will alert the Guinness book of Records. ...
reelwoman Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 hey Kerewin, I posted a new response to your first thread trying to answer that question---can't remember exactly but see if it helps. I suggested basically that you kind of blow it off with humor, ie saying " down, boy!" ( and i love the rolled up newspaper idea, you could use those techniques in tandem) so he knows you're not mad about it but that you are clearly setting boundaries: friendship with you does not include sex. If he can't handle it, put him in a crate with a treat until he is ready to behave. Oh sorry, I got mixed up with the dog training forum I'm also on...
Trialbyfire Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 hey Kerewin, I posted a new response to your first thread trying to answer that question---can't remember exactly but see if it helps. I suggested basically that you kind of blow it off with humor, ie saying " down, boy!" ( and i love the rolled up newspaper idea, you could use those techniques in tandem) so he knows you're not mad about it but that you are clearly setting boundaries: friendship with you does not include sex. If he can't handle it, put him in a crate with a treat until he is ready to behave. Oh sorry, I got mixed up with the dog training forum I'm also on... To add to this technique, if he has a tendency to jump up on you, hold both paws...errr...hands in your hands, squeezing firmly so there's some pain, while at the same time using a loving voice telling him he's a wonderful...man...
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 I am speechless.You do not want friendship .you want him back .Get honest. Jophil Zzzzzzz So what if I want him back? I'm clear that I'm not going to use sex to do that. I get a funny feeling that if I said I WAS going to sleep with him to try to get him back, you'd call that equally dishonest or manipulative. If I'm boring you, don't read or reply to my posts. But I wish you would keep responding--I find your self-aggrandizing vitriol funny.
Trialbyfire Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 So what if I want him back? I'm clear that I'm not going to use sex to do that. I get a funny feeling that if I said I WAS going to sleep with him to try to get him back, you'd call that equally dishonest or manipulative. If I'm boring you, don't read or reply to my posts. But I wish you would keep responding--I find your self-aggrandizing vitriol funny. Pssst...don't worry about it. LS has an infestation of these unbathed types lately. If you ignore them, they go find another home to infest. If it gets worse, call the exterminators.
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 Pssst...don't worry about it. LS has an infestation of these unbathed types lately. If you ignore them, they go find another home to infest. If it gets worse, call the exterminators. But I LOVE Jophil's posts. I keep picturing him hunched over his computer in a darkened room snarling about "damn women". His surprise at finding a woman with a sense of humor made me spit take my tea across the room. I mean, seriously, has Jophil ever made anyone her on LS laugh? (*listens to sound of crickets*). But if he DOES keep responding to my posts, I might start to think he has a crush on me.
Trialbyfire Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 But if he DOES keep responding to my posts, I might start to think he has a crush on me. You're probably right. I think he does have a crush on you. That's so sweet.
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 You're probably right. I think he does have a crush on you. That's so sweet. And that's the REAL reason he keeps discouraging me from trying to get back with my ex. He even has a pet name for me already---"idiot". (*swoons*)
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Well, the real reason you should not get back with your ex is he dumped you two weeks ago because he did not feel in love with you anymore. So...don't degrade yourself by getting back together with a man who doesn't love you.
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 Well, the real reason you should not get back with your ex is he dumped you two weeks ago because he did not feel in love with you anymore. So...don't degrade yourself by getting back together with a man who doesn't love you. Well, that's exactly the kind of advice I said I DIDN'T want (I know, I know...you think I don't want to hear it, but I need to hear it......) I appreciate that thought, I really do, but if this is a mistake, it's my mistake to make. Besides, I'm completely clear in my mind that I would never consider getting back with him unless he wants me as much as I want him. Self-esteem clown says that's a BAD idea. So yeah, I want him back, but I'm not gonna compromise the kind of relationship I know I deserve to do it. So, if that doesn't happen, I'll hurt, I'll spend my time believing with all my heart that there's no other man who can make me happy, and then I'll MOVE ON. How do I know that? Because I've been in love before. Been left and done the leaving. And all those break ups had one thing in common--they hurt like hell at the time, but they don't hurt anymore. So please, no more attempts to save me from myself. Thanks!
fray718 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Well, looks like you're gonna go thru with it anyway. I've been in your situation before. I'd say that if he makes a move, just say firmly (not in a weak manner) that you are NOT interested in fwb because that is not something you do. Show that you are strong and firm with this stance. This will make him respect you. Treat him like u would a colleague ie be nice and polite to him but do NOT show or display any signs of romantic feelings for him. Make him WANT u to show ur feelings by not showing them. Really, just treat him like an ordinary colleage. Like I said, I've been in your situation before n I was doing the same thing u did, hoping i can change things, but it came to the point where I realized that i could have used that time to find someone more worthwhile instead. But then again, u just never know. Hope it can actually work out.
jophil28 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 But I LOVE Jophil's posts. I keep picturing him hunched over his computer in a darkened room snarling about "damn women". His surprise at finding a woman with a sense of humor made me spit take my tea across the room. I mean, seriously, has Jophil ever made anyone her on LS laugh? (*listens to sound of crickets*). But if he DOES keep responding to my posts, I might start to think he has a crush on me. Can you get a whiff of my testosterone ? Mmmmm ! Women do find my subtlety attractive - that is why TBF is following me around the board Kererwin ..your iromantic nterest in me is only thinly disguised HOWEVER TBF has registered her interest first - so it is only fair to allow her to audition first If she is found to be an unsuitable candidate (and she does not look great so far ) then I will contact you later. Stay warmed up. I do find myself attacted to you and TBF - however my therapist is not very encouraging. She says that I should not associate with women who have demonstrated poor relationship skiils . However I am willing to give both of you a shot. May the best woman (oops, female something ) win.
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 Well, looks like you're gonna go thru with it anyway. I've been in your situation before. I'd say that if he makes a move, just say firmly (not in a weak manner) that you are NOT interested in fwb because that is not something you do. Show that you are strong and firm with this stance. This will make him respect you. Treat him like u would a colleague ie be nice and polite to him but do NOT show or display any signs of romantic feelings for him. Make him WANT u to show ur feelings by not showing them. Really, just treat him like an ordinary colleage. Like I said, I've been in your situation before n I was doing the same thing u did, hoping i can change things, but it came to the point where I realized that i could have used that time to find someone more worthwhile instead. But then again, u just never know. Hope it can actually work out. Thanks for understanding Fray! Yeah, the odds are against me. But at only 2 weeks, I think it's a bit premature for people to be telling me to move on or get over it. Not like I'd be able to appreciate another man at this point anyway, right? If it were 2 YEARS I could understand all the "reality check" advice some people have tried to give, but right now, I just think it's a bit premature.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Last time I posted, people gave some nice advice, but didn't actually answer my questions. So I'll keep it simple. Hanging out with a recent ex tomorrow (and it's an event I'm already committed to attend). He's tried for the booty call before via text, and I turned him down. Have good reason to think he might try something physical tomorrow. What's a NICE way to turn him down? I know some who say "**** nice, just turn him down", but I really value his friendship. Please note: I'm requesting folks give me advice on HOW to do this, not whether or not I should. If you want to maintain the friendship, I suppose you have to be nice about it. But remember, BE FIRM. Tell him you don't wish to complicate the situation - that you value the friendship you have with him. But do it in such a way that he KNOWS you mean business. If he senses that you are being soft about it, he'll pounce. If a man wants booty, he'll pursue aggressively. I'd say something like this, "listen, I really value what we have here. It's cool that we can meet up like this and chat. Now how many exes can say this? So let's not make things weird by having sex. I certainly don't want to go there and I know if you actually thought about it, you wouldn't either." Ask him what he thinks about it. And then take it from there.
OpenBook Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Just tell him you're not interested in getting involved with ANYONE right now -- you like your freedom, you're having your period, whatever -- the reason why doesn't matter (and you don't have to tell him the reason). Just tell him you're not interested... and then start flirting madly with someone else. That'll REALLY get under his craw.
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 Just tell him you're not interested in getting involved with ANYONE right now -- you like your freedom, you're having your period, whatever -- the reason why doesn't matter (and you don't have to tell him the reason). Just tell him you're not interested... and then start flirting madly with someone else. That'll REALLY get under his craw. LOL! I like it in theory, but since I'm not the flirty type--goes counter to the image one has to project working in the criminal justice system--, would be too obvious in this situation. And yes, Jophil, that means I carry a badge and a gun. That help the fantasy for you?
Timberlane Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 If you want to maintain the friendship, I suppose you have to be nice about it. But remember, BE FIRM. BE FIRM but don't tell him HOW FIRM THESE THINGS HERE ARE.
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