leoparda Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 WARNING - Long I have been in my LDR now for about 15 months. I met my boyfriend in june of '06 we immediately connected and were inseparable. I met him at the end of my stay in a south american country while studying abroad last year and even considered taking a semester off of school to stay and be with him. In the end I decided it was best that I finish school first and then come back when I am done. At first we both figured we would never see each other again and accepted it as a small unforgettable opportunity that could have been much more. After coming back to the states it was very hard for me to reintegrate myself back into school, the culture and my life. All of my friends had either moved or graduated so i began a whole new school year friendless constantly thinking about the boyfriend i left behind and wanting to be back in south america. One of my only friends who was left in town was an ex (which whom I had never consummated the relationship). Feeling very lonely and dissatisfied with my situation one thing led to another and I had sex with the ex. There were no feelings or sparks left between us. Neither of us wanted a relationship, but there was still an intense sexual attraction, and that was it. We slept together a handful of times in a span of a few months. Although there was no emotional involvement I was still missing my more recent boyfriend, constantly thinking about him. After about four months of being back home my conversations with the boyfriend (which had been going on since my return) began to get more serious and did not die out like we had expected. We both had been thinking about each other for months and began talking about when I would return. At this point I put a stop to the random casual hookups with the ex feeling extremely guilty but also understanding that I was not technically with my south american boyfriend since we accepted it was 'over' once i left the country. Now, however, things were changing and we were beginning to talk of my return and he even told me he was going to wait for me. At this point I made the mistake of failing to define fully the relationship, as in are we missing each other and hoping to see each other? or are we a serious item? Our intense feelings and conversations indicated a true emotional desire to be together but we always talked of my return not as a specific date but as a probable "whenever it happens" type of occurrence. This past summer, one year after my return (and consequently one year of NOT seeing or visiting him in person due to expensive plane tickets and a poor college student's income) I realized that a return to south america after I graduate would be impossible. The whole entire year I was working two jobs to pay for expenses and to try to save up to return right after i graduate. This was unsuccessful and left me very drained and depressed as I was working all the time with no gain. I soon realized that my return would have to be postponed. After telling this to him we decided that we would not put any specifics on my return and to just let things happen. By this point the effects of the LDR had been taking a toll on me. I would communicate to him how I felt and sometimes I would hold it in. I had (and have) very few friends who understand and sympathize for this situation. Most of them think it is a doomed unrealistic relationship. Some of the LDR related problems had to do with his access to the internet and phone usage. He does not have a computer so he has to use internet cafes and phone call centers to keep in contact with me. This means he has to pay every time he writes or calls me. To me, the prices aren't expensive, but to him I know they are sometimes not affordable, so sometimes there would be a few weeks where we would not be able to talk. He is also a college student and has very very little money. He has even had to hitchhike home to his parents home a few times because he could not even buy a cheap bus ticket home. During the point in time that I was realizing a return would not be possible this year I was very depressed and experiencing great anxiety over financial, school and relationship issues. I ended up having sex with a friend of mine during this time. I immediately felt disgusted with myself but continued to do this for a few weeks. I presented my situation to the counselors I went to and neither of them really thought it was an important situation even though I was obviously very upset and angry with myself. They offered me no real help. Even though I ended the sex and several months have passed I can feel it just eating me up inside. Sometimes I just break into tears because I feel so horrible. I don't know how to tell him either. I do not want to do it over the phone but I also don't want to wait 7 to 8 months either. I want to do it now! I don't believe in keeping anything from a significant other. I feel he deserves the truth, and if that means that he cannot be with me then that is the way it will have to be. I just love him so much and hate myself for what I did. I do not feel horrible because I am afraid I will lose him (although I AM afraid of this) but rather because I can hear his pain in the silence that will be there after I do tell him. He is very sensitive and I am afraid this will ruin his spirit and crush him. I do not have enough money to be able to go and tell him in person but dont know how to do this over the phone. It is not the ideal situation, but then again what is? Even though our definition of our relationship is foggy emotionally I do feel committed to him. I am not a person who regrets and never have been. But this has been eating at me for so long. I wish it never had happened. And I hate myself for doing it. Nicole
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