Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 So, tomorrow I have plans with the ex. It's the first time I've seen him since the "friends" speech he gave me (2 weeks ago). 1 week ago, he did try to booty call me and I turned him down. I've been making myself scarce both because I've been busy and cause I wanted to give myself space to get over him. I think I made a mistake today and had a really long IM chat with him because I had just received some really disturbing news that was exactly like a situation he and I went through. I say it's a mistake because I've been trying to play it cool. (LOL, I know how silly that sounds, but I think I was too available the first go round and he got bored). I want him back, but not as a FWB. How should I play things tomorrow? Just focus on just being good company? If he tries to get physical, how should I turn him down so he knows I'm open to a relationship--if not with him, then with someone who recognizes I'm special-- but NOT a FWB. I want to set up boundaries that won't push him away as a friend, but WILL let him know that I've had time to realize my own value. I definitely want to keep him in my life, regardless of what kind of relationship we wind up having.
spookie Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 So, tomorrow I have plans with the ex. It's the first time I've seen him since the "friends" speech he gave me (2 weeks ago). 1 week ago, he did try to booty call me and I turned him down. I've been making myself scarce both because I've been busy and cause I wanted to give myself space to get over him. I think I made a mistake today and had a really long IM chat with him because I had just received some really disturbing news that was exactly like a situation he and I went through. I say it's a mistake because I've been trying to play it cool. (LOL, I know how silly that sounds, but I think I was too available the first go round and he got bored). I want him back, but not as a FWB. How should I play things tomorrow? Just focus on just being good company? If he tries to get physical, how should I turn him down so he knows I'm open to a relationship--if not with him, then with someone who recognizes I'm special-- but NOT a FWB. I want to set up boundaries that won't push him away as a friend, but WILL let him know that I've had time to realize my own value. I definitely want to keep him in my life, regardless of what kind of relationship we wind up having. Why would you definitely want to keep him in your life, if he doens't respect you enough not to treat you as a booty call? I don't know, I don't wnat to be cynical, but to me it seems that these kinds of situations are usually hopeless. You have to start with a certain amoutn of momentum to keep a relationship going. Once one party decides he doens't value the other, it'll all over IMO. And subtle maniuplation never worked. If I were you, I'd stop being his friend. But I'm not, and you insist on that so.... I would try to be myself as much as possible and watch out for your own best interests.
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 I hear you, and any other guy who tried the booty call move most certainly would NOT be friend material. There is an extenuating circumstance here, but because telling it violates something very private, I can't really share it. So, I really just want to hear from folks HOW I can achieve what I asked about in my original post.
jophil28 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 So, I really just want to hear from folks HOW I can achieve what I asked about in my original post. OK here is the reality - You will ONLY get what you want if HE wants the same thing as you do. My take, after reading your story, is that he does NOT . He has the power. HE put you in the 'friend zone" . Men do that when we are tired of a relationship . The fun has gone OR she is a baitch.. It does not matter what kinds of flirty, manipulations you pull, he has dumped you without openly saying so.
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 Well, while I did express hope of getting him back, I'm NOT expecting it. I was really asking how to turn him down if he tries for sex and establish a friendship. Sorry if that wasn't clear. And the not subtle implications that I was be "bitchy" or "not fun"--where did you get that information? LOL!
jophil28 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I want him back, but not as a FWB. How should I play things tomorrow? This is 'womanese' for - I want him back as my BOYFRIEND and I need some tips and tactics to manipulate him back into my frame. Hey Kerewin - you need to get more honest with yourself about what you really want here. Then you need to realize what HE wants - He wants occasional booty and NO more. SO therefor, if you want anything more that that, it ain't gonna happen.. Why ? Cause he has the power and you don't. " RT's rules say ," The person who needs the other least has the most power."
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 Jophil, I'm VERY clear that what I want vs. what I can likely have. So would I like him back? Yes. Is that likely to happen? No. Does that mean I can't try? No. And for the record, HE has been the one initiating contact --repeatedly-- WITHOUT re-suggesting the booty call option. I may not be over him now, but I KNOW I will get over him. And when that happens, I'd like us to be friends, so I want to make sure I have a good way of turning him down tomorrow without shutting the door on our friendship. Just curious, you trying to provoke biatchiness out of me to prove your earlier suggestion about why men break up with women? If so, a pox on you! LOL.
reelwoman Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Kerewin-- how long were you together? 2 weeks might be too soon if you're feeling so overwhelmed. you don't have to get together in person just because he wants to. I would be sure that you really feel comfortable. Don't put yourself through something that will be too painful. you have every right to take whatever space you need to heal and to find yourself again....I think sometimes it's easy to get lost in thinking what the other person wants or what they're thinking. I would try to put all that aside---you can't control or know what he thinks. But you can help yourself AND any possible future relationship by focusing on yourself, what you really want, how you really feel, about him, about what went wrong, what you liked about being with him and what maybe didn't work for you? I got dumped by a guy that I was very unhappy with for a number of reasons, but once he broke up with me I was totally focusing on trying to figure out how i was deficient. Remember that you are not deficient in any way, and that sometimes a relationship just runs its course, for whatever reasons, that in most cases really have nothing to do with the other person. IF he wants to be friends and you feel you would be happy with that and not driving yourself crazy trying to be what you think he wants, trying to make him see how great you are, all that stuff, fine. but I would say, since you already know you want to get back together, it would be better to take a break altogether without being friends. It's way too hard to get over someone if you're seeing them all the time. And the boundaries are difficult to install...especially if you don't honestly want to have those boundaries. It's also hard to rebuild your self-confidence when you're constantly confronted by a guy you want to be with and he's told you he just wants to be friends---that hurts! I would really take some time--months, whatever you need---to absolutely get over him before being friends. IF there is a foundation for friendship, it will still be there in 6 months. If there is a possibility for more, I still believe you ahve to get over the person in order to be with them again if you want things to be different. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it's true. You could start by having no contact and then gradually, when you feel ready, have the occasional email or IM, and gradually work up to getting together in person. If he's not a jerk, he'll understand and he'll be willing to give you space. Don't let him pressure you; DONT think about what HE wants or needs from you. He's cut you loose, so you have NO obligation to him,even to be his friend. Value yourself enough to do what will make YOU feel good about yourself--not what you think will make HIM feel good about you. Be strong!
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I agree with Joquil....you are going to be back on this board in a couple weeks crying because you're confused as to why he isn't behaving like a commited boyfriend and wondering why he doesn't want you back the way you want him back, and why he isn't treating you like he did when you were a real couple. This is not going to be a fun ride.
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 Kerewin-- how long were you together? 2 weeks might be too soon if you're feeling so overwhelmed. you don't have to get together in person just because he wants to. I would be sure that you really feel comfortable. Don't put yourself through something that will be too painful. you have every right to take whatever space you need to heal and to find yourself again....I think sometimes it's easy to get lost in thinking what the other person wants or what they're thinking. I would try to put all that aside---you can't control or know what he thinks. But you can help yourself AND any possible future relationship by focusing on yourself, what you really want, how you really feel, about him, about what went wrong, what you liked about being with him and what maybe didn't work for you? I got dumped by a guy that I was very unhappy with for a number of reasons, but once he broke up with me I was totally focusing on trying to figure out how i was deficient. Remember that you are not deficient in any way, and that sometimes a relationship just runs its course, for whatever reasons, that in most cases really have nothing to do with the other person. IF he wants to be friends and you feel you would be happy with that and not driving yourself crazy trying to be what you think he wants, trying to make him see how great you are, all that stuff, fine. but I would say, since you already know you want to get back together, it would be better to take a break altogether without being friends. It's way too hard to get over someone if you're seeing them all the time. And the boundaries are difficult to install...especially if you don't honestly want to have those boundaries. It's also hard to rebuild your self-confidence when you're constantly confronted by a guy you want to be with and he's told you he just wants to be friends---that hurts! I would really take some time--months, whatever you need---to absolutely get over him before being friends. IF there is a foundation for friendship, it will still be there in 6 months. If there is a possibility for more, I still believe you ahve to get over the person in order to be with them again if you want things to be different. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it's true. You could start by having no contact and then gradually, when you feel ready, have the occasional email or IM, and gradually work up to getting together in person. If he's not a jerk, he'll understand and he'll be willing to give you space. Don't let him pressure you; DONT think about what HE wants or needs from you. He's cut you loose, so you have NO obligation to him,even to be his friend. Value yourself enough to do what will make YOU feel good about yourself--not what you think will make HIM feel good about you. Be strong! Thanks for your feedback. Yeah, tomorrow is kind of set in stone though. It's an event we both HAVE to attend, not necessarily one we want to. As far as him trying for the booty call; I put that in there just to underline that although I still don't know what the problem was for him, at least I can rule out attraction. He asked nicely, I turned him down nicely. Men try for sex without effort--that's just the way it is, I accept it, so that's a "no harm, no foul" for me. However, he did express how much he's looking forward to seeing me. Advice about not trying to prove how great I am is much appreciated though. You're right there. I'm very much in that "He made a mistake" mode still, and I should definitely be wary of behaving unnaturally as it will only come across as desperate.
Oregon Blackberry Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 You might feel that he made a mistake, but he probably isn't. It doesn't matter if you are the most beautiful, hottest, sexiest, kindest, most intelligent, funniest woman in the world, if he doesn't feel "it," he doesn't feel "it."
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 I agree Oregon Blackberry; which is why I said I was taking reelwoman's advice about not trying to "prove" he made a mistake to heart. Thing is, I can't control my feelings, but I CAN control my behavior. And that's what I'm asking for help with. HOW to act, WHAT to say, etc. No one's really answered my most pressing question--how should I turn him down if he tries for sex WITHOUT making a big deal out of it. Doing it in person makes me a little nervous, and I don't want to make a bigger deal out of it than it has to be. Thanks!
reelwoman Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I agree Oregon Blackberry; which is why I said I was taking reelwoman's advice about not trying to "prove" he made a mistake to heart. Thing is, I can't control my feelings, but I CAN control my behavior. And that's what I'm asking for help with. HOW to act, WHAT to say, etc. No one's really answered my most pressing question--how should I turn him down if he tries for sex WITHOUT making a big deal out of it. Doing it in person makes me a little nervous, and I don't want to make a bigger deal out of it than it has to be. Thanks! RE: turning him down if he tries for sex--- OK, if you CAN, if you think you can pull it off, I would try to laugh it off. This is not going to work if you can't try to mean it while you're doing it, though. I'm not saying to play games but just to save face, I would try not to show anger or sadness or regret, if possible. If he tries to kiss you, maybe just shift your mouth so it's a cheek kiss and give him a hug or something, and he should get the idea. If he tries to say anything in the way of making a move, maybe you could try something like, " hey! that's not my idea of friendship!" or even "down, boy!" ( that's one of my favorites when I'm trying to rebuff someone in a friendly way) but kind of making it a joke, so he knows that you're not mad but you ARE setting clear boundaries---friends means no sex, period. Good luck and let us know how it goes! It's a tough situation. If you are at all into yoga or meditation I would do some of that beforehand to get your head into a clear, calm space. I"m not a crunchy granola type, but I swear yoga makes me feel so much calmer and more focused....
jophil28 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Jophil, I'm VERY clear that what I want vs. what I can likely have. So would I like him back? Yes. Is that likely to happen? No. Does that mean I can't try? No. And for the record, HE has been the one initiating contact --repeatedly-- WITHOUT re-suggesting the booty call option. I may not be over him now, but I KNOW I will get over him. And when that happens, I'd like us to be friends, so I want to make sure I have a good way of turning him down tomorrow without shutting the door on our friendship. Just curious, you trying to provoke biatchiness out of me to prove your earlier suggestion about why men break up with women? If so, a pox on you! LOL. You can TRY all you like - trying to rescue your drowning relationship is pointless .It ain't gonna happen . Why ? because he does not want a relationship with YOU. He wants booty -you want an LTR . Vastly different wants. Do you get this yet. HE is not EVER going to be your boyfriend so drop this errand of foolishness and go date someone who wants the SAME as things as you do. ( Why do women persist with these pointless rescue missions ?? You are an idiot to think that you can MAKE a guy love you again who has clearly grown tired of you )
Author Kerewin Posted October 20, 2007 Author Posted October 20, 2007 Well, as long as YOU don't get tired of me Jophil, I'll never be lonely.
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