LoveLace Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 OK so I admit it...called Marty Mon. night. Just a message said hope your doing good, wouldn't hurt anything if we ever want to chat sometime. I also explained I no longer have text messaging. The next night, he called....BUT..he only let my phone ring not even twice I don't think...I barely had enough time to see the caller ID. I figured he'll try again if something cut off the call...but no...I didn't want to seem too anxious so I waited like 20 min to call back...but as more time went by, I decided that if he wants to talk bad enough he'll try again another time, like tomorrow? He would have been driving home from work at the time he called. But the next day, everyone I spoke to said I should have called him back, like right away. So at lunch time I did, and left a message that I missed his call last night, but to call me later if he wants....not a peep since then. That was..Wednesday. Today is Friday. WTF? Why did he call and hang up so quickly? People said he got nervous..someone else that now he probably thinks I've moved on...He hung up cuz he wanted me to anxiously call back...???? I think I finally got closure. I packaged his favorite book he loaned me, and sent it off with a letter (something like this) I was at Jenny's last night, where I met you...I miss you a lot. I don't know if you feel the same. But the space has been good, because we were both guilty of bringing something into what we had. I forgive you, and hope you forgive me, too. I felt a lot of pressure to balance everything. You caught some heat, and for that I'm sorry. I know you need more time, and you don't expect me to wait around. I can't guarantee I'll be around when or if you desire my availability again; otherwise my heart is still with you -- you always used to ask me why? Because you are fun and real and I adore you. I only want you to do what feels right at this point, and always. I never wanted either of us to feel pressured. I wanted to play by ear from the beginning, but all the future talk got in the way. I then explained a little about my mom needing major surgery, my roommate's drug problem...It feels as though I'm there for everyone around me...with no one there for me, to ask how I'm doing, or tell me I'm beautiful or special; maybe I expected more of this from you; maybe it was too much to expect. However, my daily strength comes from knowing I'm needed. I hope all is well for you. I purposely refrained from asking any questions or making any requests, for the sake of no pressure. Then I disposed of my favorite picture of us I still had sitting on my darn desk at work. He should get the package tomorrow. Perhaps it might look as though I"m seeking a response...but to me, the important thing is that I somehow felt it was getting me further down the road of letting go. He'll get to see all I had left to say, which was hard because I knew that it means The end. I practically had to force myself to do it. It was really only like 3 and 1/2 paragraphs long. I still wish I knew what the half-ass phone call was all about. ?? But I refused to try and keep getting him on the phone to find out. That would only make this harder. Anyone who gets a letter, knows they have an option to respond or not. Calling too often just feels wrong. Remember, I told him that calling a lot makes an ass of me. I wonder if he did the quick hang-up call just to keep me from blowing his up or something? To make me think he is trying to talk to me, even though he doesn't really want to? Ugh. sigh.
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