lexi29 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 So anyone have any idea how long it takes to feel "normal" again. Its been two weeks since he left me, I've posted on here a dozen times which helps, I've packed his stuff away, gotten rid of anything that reminds me of him. The first week was hell- I cried every day about every 20 minutes. I was depressed, lonely, had dreams about him and his son every night and woke up to the harsh reality, couldn't eat, couldn't think straight, had panic attacks, just in absolute hell. didnt' think it would ever end. The 2nd week has been better. I actually made it 3 whole days without breaking down!! I got my appetite back a little, I'm getting used to just staying home by myself watching tv with my cats (oh no!) and since I found out my ex already has someone new I'm kind of given up on the hope of ever getting back to him. I take comfort in the fact that he "traded down" and that he cheated on her already! I know I'm a horrible person. Well we were in no contact for a week and he called me this past wed and told me he thinks about me alot adn that I can spend time with his son if I want to (he originally said I'd never see either of them again) but now for some reason he's not mad and still wants to keep in touch once in awhile. I thought this would make me feel better but it made the cycle start all over again. I'm not as bad as the first week but I"m crying on and off and I'm missing them like crazy. The weirdest things make me think of him. Yesterday went to the grocery store and I could NOT make myself buy anything that I fixed him for dinner lately, anything that we ate as snacks lately, nothing that his son loves to eat. So basically I came home with some bananas and some microwave dinners and some milk. Pathetic. Today I got some pictures developed from a disposable camera I had- thought they were pictures of my parents' new house. Well turns out there were some pictures of him and his son on the roll of film. Pictures from August that I totally forgot I"d taken. My ex has his shirt off and looks so damn good. His son looks so cute. I remember that day so well. It was a great day. I broke down thinking how much things have changed. The dumbest things remind me of him- I can't watch my favorite tv shows because we used to watch them together on his couch all cuddled up. I can't eat certain foods, can't wear certain clothes that he liked, can't go places we used to go, cant' even drive on certain roads without the memories flooding back. Its ridiculous!! I thought I was doing better, thought things were getting easier but every since he called me its just started the pain all over again. I've tried keeping busy, tried talking to other guys, tried finding new things that interest me but my mind is always on HIM. I still dream about him almost every single night. When do you feel "normal" again??
blind_otter Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 The time it takes to feel normal again differs for everyone.
niceguy27 Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Lexi I feel for you. The things you listed about grocery shopping, tv shows, places, roads, etc. are ALL things that I had a hard time with. The first time I went to the grocery store I had to hurry up and leave cuz I started to break down (where we shopped). I just recently started making my dinner again for myself. "Normalcy" returns only after time. Its good your going through the grieving process. You have to let it out. After a while you will slowly think less and less as you come to accept it. Go rent some movies or a series and veg out for a few days. Everyone copes with it differently. I love ice cream bars and so when I come home and Im alone, I will watch some recorded shows and eat ice cream bars. Stupid but its something I like to do. Also, start a routine of something;anything to take your mind off of things. Even if its just for a little bit. Hope you feel better!!
trulysomething Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 I don't know how long it takes..but I wish it would hurry up. It's tough for sure, but you will make it through. The old adage applies..If it's meant to be, it'll be meant to be.
brothermartin Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Hi LEXI. Listen to this: This morning I was getting dressed to get ready to leave and I accidently put on an old sock of hers hat she left here. I almost couldnt make it out of the house, I just wanted to sit there and cry all day. But, I got up, finished getting dressed, took a deep breath, and proceeded on with my day. It may sound like a tough-guy speech, but that is "normal". Im sorry your're having to go through this s**t, but it will get better.
alwayshurt Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Yesterday, while I was getting out my car I noticed something of the floor of the passenger seat. It was her lipstick which it probably was stuck somewhere and decided to come out right on my birthday. It is a nice gift, don't you think?
niceguy27 Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 Wow...how ironic is that? Three weeks after we broke up, I was on the way to the watering hole to hang with some friends (to medicate) and she almost side swiped me pulling out of her work parking lot onto the road...That was weird! Its those stupid little things that will suddenly trigger an episode of intense sadness that really pushes my buttons. I can be fine all day and have something like that come up and destroy all the progress I made so far. So its not easy but tomorrow isnt today.
heartoutside Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 I find it interesting that everyone seems to be grieving the same way. I had a hard time going to grocery as well. I hated it. I was lucky in that my brother was staying with the first month of the break up, so when we did go to the store he did the shopping and the cooking. I sure as hell couldn't do a damn thing, well except drink. I seemed to do that really well! It does get easier. I'm now at the stage where I'll have maybe 1 crappie day to every 5 or 6 good days. I go the store and make tasty food for myself once again! There are always going to be little things that remind you of her or him. Just push through them; if it's a song, change the song, if it's a sock, throw the sock away, or burn it!
Author lexi29 Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Wow its really weird that others are going thru the exact same thing!! It makes me feel less alone if that makes any sense. Just feels like being on a rollercoaster or something. When I think I"m doing better something catches me off guard and sends me crashing back down to the depression. I keep having dreams about him and HER. After I have these dreams its almost like my mind is tricking myself into believing I actually saw him and these things (in the dream) happened and I start missing him all over again!!! I've tried thinking about other things before I fall asleep and that normally works but when I wake up in the middle of the night or an hour before I have to go to work, I fall back asleep and dream of him then. Last night's dream was really weird, it was that I was at his apartment with my ex and his son and his new girlfriend (who I know) and she was telling me that the reason he left me is because I'm too thin. She was telling me that I look discusting and that he likes her because she is curvier. In the dream I asked my ex this and he started telling me how awful he thought I looked and that it grossed him out to have sex with me. NOw I know this was just a dream and that all of this is totally untrue. But I woke up thinking that the reason he left me is because my I'm too skinny. Which is crazy because he always said I have the perfect body and his new gf (and he's said this himself) needs to lose weight. She is chunky. Not trying to put her down just repeating what he said and what I've seen. Its just strange that its been almost 3 weeks and I"m still having dreams about him. I almost feel like jumping into another relationship right away just to have something to take my mind off of him. I mean it worked for him! He replaced me so quickly. he has someone doing everything I used to do- didn't even wait a week to have her start staying at his apartment like I used to. It was as if he just took all the feelings he had for me and transferred them to her. Just like that. Wish I could do that because it would stop the pain but I just don't think I could do that.
nemo28 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Lexi: All that you are going through is a completely natural part of a break up. You need to allow youself to grieve the loss of your ex and his son, its all natural. I broke up with my ex months ago and I still dream about him most nights. I have gotten over the not being able to go to places that we used to frequent together or watch our favouritie tv shows on my own, it takes time and you can't rush it. It will get easier bit by bit but try not to obsess about it. Jumping into a new relationship straight away is what my ex did and seems like a good option to forget about them but it's not the answer. I started seeing someone a few months after we broke up and when that didn't work out I started grieving for my ex all over again.. I didn't love the new guy and didn't think it was fair to string him along, yes he filled a void in my life but it was only temporary because as soon as he was gone then all thoughts went back to my previous ex.. My thoughts are still with him, i think about him day in and day out. I work with him, he doesn't talk to me. Just this morning i saw him and said "hey" he looked straight through me and completely ignored me.. And you know what? How dare he. It is the last time i will waste my breath saying anything to him. But Lexi, you gotta go with the flow hun, there is no time frame to forgetting about lost loves, you have to allow yourself the time to grieve and do all the usual things and learn to be happy with yourself. If it's meant to be with your ex then it will not pass you by. Chin up. Better times are ahead for you.
Jmina Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 two weeks, three weeks...thats nothing!! its been 5 months for me. It has gotten better. I too couldnt go to the mall for about 2 months after. i couldnt and still dont want to watch certain dvds that we watched together. i bought a new bedspread and i cant put the one we had back on my bed again. . ever its still hard but im at a stage where ive find my happiness again. i still have a deep sadness in me left from loosing her, but i also have many things to be happy about.
Msblueyes Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I'm doing the same thing. When he left Friday, I took the sheets off the bed, and put the new ones on that had been sitting, patiently waiting since May...(guess I wasn't ready yet) and I'm wondering if I should just toss those old blue ones...they were from "before" rehab and now that he's moved out, maybe they should, too. (can ya feel a little anger?) Still have to wash my twenty year old comforter that I will never get rid of, but I'm ok with that. Previously, I had thrown away all the pillows & bedding from our old apt. when he entered rehab. I think getting rid of things like that (although a bit costly) WORKS! I'm not one to cook, and we only went to the supermarket a few times, so it's not soo bad but I go in & just kind of look at boxes of food. I haven't the heart to cook even if I did. I don't do frozen food too well, either. I will drink my slim fast, which, thank god doesn't make me cry...he didn't take any of my kitchen utensils...like I need them...but did take the olive oil? There is a chair on my front lanai, it's his, even when my girlfriend from upstairs sat talking to me on Saturday, she kept looking at the chair & it's like we were both talking to him while he wasn't there...well, I'm going to tell him to come & get it...I have a replacement for that as well. I broke down just trying to mention to one of my friends that I needed to get rid of the chair...so don't think any break down in any moment is strange. I know that when I start gettin choked up & my eyes water, I'm about to lose it. It's okay, I know it's part of the process. I went out to the place on Friday's that we normally go, only with other friends. He was supposed to show up to meet one of my friends but didn't. That was good. Maybe it was even planned that way. Either way, I had a great time, and didn't have anybody telling me what to do. We don't drive when we go there as it's downtown & just a short walk from my house...so we could make like fish and it was all good. I think the same thing when driving around town. He told me the location of where he moved but I haven't asked to see it or what the address is. Why bother learning something that I really don't need to know, especially right now. He still calls, I'm polite. I don't even know why he's calling. I think the reason for our break is many and not sure about the whole thing but I'm sure the truth will unfold, but I'm not going to beg for it...I'm just going to take care of me. Peace!
Author lexi29 Posted October 23, 2007 Author Posted October 23, 2007 I went to see a counselor today, saw a different one last week. First time in counseling so I wasn't sure what to expect. When I made both appointments I was in week #1 after the breakup. I was crying, emotionally a wreck, couldn't eat or sleep. Now i"m doing better (crying is maybe twice a week now except when I have dreams about him, then I'm depressed the entire next day) but I still need someone to talk to, to work thru this. My friends (as great as they are- are in a different place in their lives, mostly happy places (just got married, just moved in with SO, just had a kid etc) so they have had enough of my sob story. Posting on here has really helped though and I want to thank everyone who had a kind word, shared their experiences and pain, or offered advice. you've all been a lifesaver. The counselors have not been what I've expected. The first woman, I saw last week. She let me tell my story and she kept telling me "you have a good head on your shoulders, you should realize you are so much better off without him" She kept putting him down and saying why would I want to be with a guy like that and that I'm lucky he left me. I got really angry because I didn't want to hear that. After crying uncontrolably for a week, not being able to eat, tortured in my sleep by dreams of him, waking up to the bleak reality that my life has totally changed, having panic attacks, being flooded with memories of our good times and missing him like crazy etc I do not feel "lucky". She just didnt' seem to understand why I wasn't rejoicing the loss of this "loser". She told me I shouldnt' think about him at all during the week, or talk to friends about the demise of the relationship but instead bottle everything up until next week when I see her again. The counselor I saw today was nice. She kept getting lost though. I would tell her the story (together 3 yrs he has a son etc) and it was like she wasn't even listening!! She asked if I was sleeping ok and I told her yes but I hated to sleep because almost every night I dream about him adn his son or him and HER and I wake up and am miserable and haunted the rest of the day. She kept saying everyone needs 8 hrs of sleep and if lack of sleep is interfering with work I need to see my doctor about sleeping pills. I kept trying to tell her I have NO Problem falling asleep or staying asleep, I'm just bothered by these dreams. She would then say I should take benadryl or something to help me fall asleep. I don't know if its because I'm in sucky mood but it just frustrated me (and normally I'm a very reserved polite person) and I just wanted to yell at her!! This was my first meeting with her and I told her it had only been three weeks since he left me and she started talking about "is there anyone who is interested in dating you or you think would date you?" Why would there be anyone interested in dating me? I'm an emotional mess!! And i've been in a relationship the last 3 years why would I have any prospects in mind? I told her I'm not ready to date yet and she said it would make me feel better. She suggested taking classes or joining a gym. Great ideas if I had any energy!! I'm not ready to meet new people yet, I'm introverted anyway so meeting new people is a challenge and one I"m not ready for. I mean I feel very down on myself right now and beat up and don't need anyone else rejecting me at the moment. The counselor then suggested I go to the movies or out to eat at a place my ex and i used to go- by myself!! To get rid of the memories of my ex and I adn to prove that I"m strong enough to be without him. first of all I have no problem going to the mall or grocery store by myself but a movie or a restaurant? No thanks, I think that would make me miss him even more. Has anyone been to see a counselor? Did they have any good advice? Did it help?
tomwiz Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Basically, i felt bad for myself for a few days sat around, did nothing. Then started going out like mad, talkin to all kinds of other people, just expanding my horizons, I've been on a few dates now and although I miss my ex, its kinda helped me to realize that while I still care about my ex...I want her, I dont need her
MattyTee Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 Hey Lexi, In response to your question about a counselor, I've been seeing one for a little over a month now and have found it to be very helpful indeed. Really the job of a counselor isn't to sit there telling you to go out dating or even really to fire advice at you all the time. In my sessions he will ask me how my week has been and listen for a while. When I'm quiet he will gently ask me one or two questions about something specific I have talked about - he leads me in questioning myself really, he's not giving advice. A skilled counselor will reflect your own thoughts and beliefs back at you and try and give you a different perspective. I met up with this counselor through word of mouth, so if you can then I would ask around friends or family to see if anyone knows a good one. If not, then keep trying because the relationship with your counselor is important if you are to work well together. As a sideline I've been doing much better generally in myself. Working out a lot, eating better, cleaning the flat! I've kept myself busy and spent a lot of time reading self-help books. I'm not even vaguely interested in dating (regardless of how much 'easier' it would make it for me), that's just not me. I've only ever been with one person and I'm more than happy to be alone - in fact I need to learn to be happy alone! For some reason I just broke down tonight. I've been crying solidly for about 45 minutes. My ex is long-distance from me anyway but I've now been NC for nearly 4 weeks. She's made no effort to contact me and I believe she has found someone else now. It just all caught up with me and hit me this evening... ah well ... back to some crying before bed
heartoutside Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 It may take sometime to find a counselor that works for you. But MattyTee is right, they really shouldn't be giving you advice but be more of a person for you to vent to and they should then bounce back your thoughts. When I went, basically I was just asked a lot of questions at first and then I talked and she would talk at the end. But you can't expect answers from them. That I learned. I went in thinking she would have answers for me, she won't. They help guide you to find your own answer(s). As for going to gym and not having energy. Go to the gym and you'll find the energy slowly coming back. If you don't feel like going, force yourself, as hard as it is so at least go for a 30mins. Or walk outside for 30mins....it helps...
hopeforlove243 Posted October 23, 2007 Posted October 23, 2007 I am thinking about go seeing a counselor, not sure what I would expect, but I don't know if I want to tell my story all over again to the counselor, that will just make me feel very sad again.
Msblueyes Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I, too, was thinking of seeing a counselor, but I think that it may not help as I should be glad that someone who caused me so much pain in so many ways is not living with me anymore. I will now not have to buy someone cigarettes, give them $20 when they're broke, not have a person in my bed who doesn't want to touch me, etc... I don't have to worry if they're cheating on me... Being that Halloween is coming up, there's lots of activities going on in my town & I will go out with my friends & try to have some fun. I'm not going to go out & get trashed, but go out to have "fun". What I haven't done for myself in a long time. I don't think I'm ready to date, I don't have any desire for that either...it will take time. I'm not depressed, but sad. I have to learn how to be on my own and take charge of me....something I've neglected in the past couple months. I, too, want to know how to let my xbf get into the past.
MattyTee Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 Me again! (no, I don't have anything better to do ) Well, I would actually advise seeing a counselor to anyone (if they are a good one). The end of a relationship is the perfect time to take stock and look at yourself. A good counselor will be there to listen and reflect your thoughts to you. It sounds crazy to pay someone to do that, but if you get a good counselor you will appreciate having someone there who will not judge you, they won't tell you what to do, they don't have any contact with you outside this environment. I've been able to talk to my counselor about things I've never told anyone!
Author lexi29 Posted October 24, 2007 Author Posted October 24, 2007 How do you find a good one though? The first counselor drove me crazy cause I was sitting in her office fighting back tears and trying not to break down and I'd told her the symptoms I'd been having (trouble getting to sleep, panic attacks when I'm in a public place he and I used to go), no appetite, dreams about him all the time, depression, crying uncontrollably at times, no energy, anxiety etc and she tells me she wants me to go to my dr. and have a physical because there may be some physical reasons for these symptoms. I'm not a dr, not a counselor but I"m 100% sure all my symptoms are caused by my break up. I didn't have any of these symptoms until the day he told me it was over and I found out about his new woman. My insurance doesn't cover a physical anyway and my dr. would probably laugh me out of his office if I went there and told him my symptoms. He'd probably ask if there had been any trauma in my life recently. So is there anything I should ask when I"m calling a to schedule an appointment or anything I should look for (credentials) in a counselor?
MattyTee Posted October 24, 2007 Posted October 24, 2007 I'm guessing you are in the States? If so it might well be different there. I was quite lucky in that my mother has a friend who's a counselor and so she passed on my details to the guy I'm seeing now (who was actually her tutor). I felt more comfortable talking to a guy but in our first session he was very open said we'll see if we like each other and if we do then we can continue. If not then he could pass on the details of another counselor (i.e. he would suggest someone). The best way is through word of mouth - which can be initially difficult because it's hard to tell people you are wanting to see a counselor (at least it was for me). If you can't do it from word of mouth then going to see your doctor and getting some advice might work (I'm sorry I don't know how the insurance works there). My therapist here is not on our health service (which would be free) but instead quite costly. After our first month he asked if I could continue paying the full amount and after a little bit of working it out he agreed to half the original fee. We have something in England called Relate counseling - usually for couples but singles can go too. You might see if there is something like that locally? Sorry I can't be too much help here - being English and all
bigheartkindsoul Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Time hun, it is still early on for you but sounds like you have done alot of the right things and being strong enough to do that shows you have it in you. For me it is about 10-12wks I am not sure as I stopped counting (a good sign) and I feel pretty much there. Keeping busy was key for me. The gym helped relieve stress and a good outlet. Seeing friends and having a laugh with them also a good distraction and relief even if temporary at your stage. Treating myself well and treating myself to shopping trips or massages or nice foods when I was off my food a bit. Also laughing was another key factor, laughing heals. I had to push myself alot of the time as I just didn't want to do anything alot of the time but made myself as I knew I'd feel better. I was also recovering from depression, so the final key for me and I know not possible for all to do, but was my recent holiday. I had two weeks of fun, little stress, good food, sunshine and little time to think about him or little time to feel down or low. This has given me a lift and have been able to stop my meds. I donno but hope that helps a little. Keep as busy as you can, and get your life back on track. Take care x
bloodaye Posted October 28, 2007 Posted October 28, 2007 this is gonna sound absolutly ridiculous,but me and my ex were walking down the street one day and at this construction site a barrier fence toppled and almost fell on us,i pushed it up enuff for both of us to get outta the way,that fence is still there over a month later, every time i c that fence and remember how gratefull she was that i was able to hold it up for that brief second it makes me wanna die,its the most silly things that remind u of a person,there is much more that reminds me of her,but i find the most insignificant things r the worst,im dying here.and i have so much regret and guilt,the guiult is the worst,cause u think to urself,'what if i didnt say this,what if i didnt say that,or what if i didnt do this or that" i wuldnt b feeling like this,i wish i culd turn back time,god i wish i culd.
GuerreroAzteca Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 its been 2 months for me. There seems to be a trend here, everybody says i thought i was doing better then i crash and burn. I'm not going to say there is one way that works to get over people. But it seems the trend is not working. People do well and get busy with life and forget to cry and grieve. If you do well and then break down, then maybe we did not grieve enough. I'm making it a point to let all the feelings out and dedicate time to be pathetic. so that i get sick of it. There is no right way to do it but letting go is so much easier said.
MattyTee Posted October 29, 2007 Posted October 29, 2007 Hey Guerrero, That's very true. People need to give time to grieve properly however grieving isn't a simple process. I don't think there ever is a final curtain on it but over time the power and emotion of it lessens. We just need to learn to give ourselves time to break down whenever we need it. It may not even be about what we think it is, it could be release from something else too. It has been three months for me and the past week has been terrible. I have cried, sometimes for hours on end and today ... I cried most of it! I had been doing much better before then to.
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